Two Backpacks

Oh no, oh no-no-no! She'll know it's him! She literally caught him with his pants down! She'll be furious, and then she'll see him, see his dick, and she'll point a finger at him, and she'll laugh...

Ground level, finally

Phalicia walked from the point she crashed and hit the ground, her fall broken by a huge inflated ass. It took her some effort to get out of her backpack straps with her hands still being numb from all the holding and maneuvering she did.

But it was nothing! She lived! She could breathe, blink, turn her head, and even walk! It was too early to tell with all the adrenaline in her blood, but at least she had no open fractures.

She barely even registered a silhouette standing nearby. Something in his figure seemed familiar like she had seen him somewhere, so, her brain on autopilot, she just said "Oh, hey! It's you again!"

It might have come out a bit too happy too, but the overwhelming joy she felt at that moment cannot be explained to those, who take walking on solid earth - and with their own two feet too, for granted.

Robert was shocked. Well, at least he's not under fire? For now at least.

"Uhm, hi!" he agreed. What else do people tell each other in such situations? "My name is Robert!"

Phalicia was preoccupied with inspecting herself. What was this liquid that coated her? It wasn't blood as she initially feared, so what was it? She let some part of her brain manage external communications, while she was dealing with that mystery. "Nice to meet you, Robert. My name is Phalicia," she repeated words she had to repeat countless times every day throughout her life, "But it's not related to what you might think, and it's in fact..."

"Latin for 'Lucky'. Yes, a beautiful name." And a fitting one.

"Oh?" she glanced at him.

That was normally her phrase he completed, at least the first sentence. Under normal circumstances meeting someone who doesn't crack some low-tier joke, let alone is educated enough to remember what it means from the get-go would be a big surprise. Her ancient Rome-obsessed father would be so happy... But with everything else that happened today, this particular surprise was pushed to the back of her list, but still...

Oh, right! It's the guy from the bus! Well, that answers "Who builds a huge inflated ass in his yard?" - the same person that carries a huge inflated cock in his parachuting rig.

Regaining control of her hand Phalicia squeezed her naked breast. She didn't mean anything by it, she was still trying to understand what she was coated with.

Robert's mind was melting. He was not prepared for the onslaught of horny women raining from the skies on his butt, and he had no idea how to proceed from there.

Rubbing her index and thumb together Phalicia smelled her palm. That wasn't soap, that wasn't oil - it's too soft, Vaseline, perhaps? No, it's too fine... A smell hit her nostrils and she realized - it's a lube! Her whole life she struggled with getting wet during sex, not seeing anything exciting in that activity, so the smell of lube was well familiar to her...

She also realized something else. She just crashed, topless, on a private territory in the lair of a guy with a weird sexual obsession, whom she just recently saw going there with a girlfriend. She didn't feel any threat from the guy, he was probably as confused as she was, but still. At least it would be impolite to overstay her welcome.

"Uhm, look, I'm so sorry that this all happened..."

Robert rose brows. It was a phrase he was supposed to say - at the very least - after nearly causing a fatal accident to this poor woman.

"...I think I'll just leave you two, just gotta find my sweater... Oh, and here's my rig, I'll be taking that... My apologies to your partner, I didn't plan on crashing your day."

"Oh, that... No, it won't be a problem. We... just broke up, actually."

"Really?" Phalicia burst laughing.

"Of course," thought Robert. She was shocked by the fall, but now his patheticness caught up with her, and she was laughing.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she managed to squeeze between laughs, "It's just that I broke up with my partner too! In the middle of my fall, if you can imagine!"

She... wasn't laughing at him? She was... inviting him to laugh with her? That's...

A chuckle escaped Robert's chest. Then another one. Phalicia's laughter seemed contagious and soon he joined her.

A topless woman and a butt-naked man in socks were laughing loudly at the sight of a ripped and deflated inflatable ass.

Phalicia stumbled and nearly tipped over, but Robert reached out with his hand just in time to catch her.

"Thank you," she said, regaining her posture.

With adrenaline leaving, she felt tired. Her head hurt, she must have bonked herself on it with her knife... thank god it had a blunt edge!

Phalicia stepped back and looked at the pile. The air was warm but still, where's her sweater?

"Oh, and let me guess! She dumped you because all she needed was money, right?"

"...", "Right." How did she know?

"Yeah, she seemed like the type," No, her sweater is nowhere to be seen, it might as well be on a tree or behind a fence. Phalicia turned back to Robert and reached up to give him a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Well, looks aren't everything, and I'm sure you can do better!"

That... was something Robert didn't realize he needed to hear.

"Yeah, I was told that, but... And what are you looking for in a partner? If you don't mind..."

"Yeah, no, I don't know anymore. I mean, I always value trust over anything, but then the guy I thought I could trust starts laughing at my cry for help and wishes me to die!"

"That's horrible!"

"Yeah, and he was banging my best friend behind my back too!"

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"And he forgot to charge my camera today..."

"..."

"So, how can I even trust anyone anymore? He seemed so sincere I never even realized..."

"Well," Robert joked in a flash of self-loathing "I, for one, am physically unable to cheat. Not that I suggest anything! But my interests are so bizarre, everyone just laughs in my face anyway."

"With all the inflated stuff? Yeah, I've figured. Well, I'd take that over cheating any day, to me that's more acceptable. Besides, everyone's crazy about something. I, for one, for skydiving. Speaking of - not cool, man!"

"?"

"You've opened my reserve!" Phalicia picked up her backpack and gestured at one of the compartments. "Now I'll have to pay certified rigger again."

"Certified... who?"

"Rigger! A person who's qualified to inspect and repack your reserve! Twice a year, of after it was deployed, or opened - which you did."

"I thought you pack your own parachutes?"

"Main one - yes, but the reserve is far too important, there are regulations. And just so you know - the closest rigger isn't even in this country, and I just had mine repacked ahead of the season!"

"I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you," Robert apologized. What could it be? "Would you like a new purse, or shoes, or..."

"What?" Phalicia seemed dumbstruck, if not offended at the suggestion. "I'm a working woman and can buy my own clothes, thank you very much! If you could pay for a repackage, we'll be squared. If not..." she just waved. It's not like it was that big of a deal.

"Well, absolutely!"

"Good! Good... Listen, you have some spare jacket I could borrow?"

"Should have a few," in that same shed, where the rope was. Robert still wasn't sure what he'd do once that woman departed. Her life might've been saved, but his situation was hopeless all the same.

"And I guess my reservation for the dinner is falling off too, what a shame..."

"You... like fancy dinners?"

"God, no! It's a kebab booth by... well, one guy, he makes a killer marinade, and I've asked him to prepare us a whole bucket!"

"Oh... Yeah, that's a loss"

"You have no idea!"

Robert thought. Then thought again. It was a very silly thought. He'll get embarrassed again. He'll humiliate himself, again. There probably could be a better way to do it, but...

"Phalicia," he asked reaching for his pocket. "I know I've just met you... and that this is crazy..." Still pantsless he kneeled before her, "...but would you like to marry me?" he asked, holding out the ring he was intending to give to another woman not even an hour ago. But between then and now it seemed like a lifetime worth of emotions, and he thought...

For the second time in a row, Phalicia was stunned. Not even five minutes ago she was sitting on a plane with a man she hoped would one day get to propose to her. Since then she survived a heartbreak, a roller coaster of emotions, and a crash. And now that she couldn't care less about where that "man" fucked off to, another man she barely even met was proposing to her.

Phalicia was certain that such things ought not to happen to normal people. It would be crazy if they did.

Then again, she loved crazy, normal was too boring. She looked at Robert. A fairly handsome man. His pick of jacket and scarf shows an attempt to pass as an artistic personality, but the boring blue-ish tinted glasses betray and expose him as an office worker.

So, in other words, someone with his own style, a job to sustain himself, and a weird hobby that is mostly harmless. Assuming you don't mix backpacks ever again.

"I mean..." Robert added nervously, "I know it's all too soon, and I would totally underst~" he was abruptly cut off when Phalicia pulled him close and sealed his lips with a kiss. Not bad, but he really needs more practice.

"I do, I do, or how do they say it?" Phalicia smiled and extended her ring finger, helping Robert to put his ring on. Surprisingly, it fit.

There was an argument for "getting to know each other first", but she had spent 5 years learning Denis, and what did she learn? That he was an asshole who could not be trusted, that's what.

"Although, I can't help but comment that this ring is far too fancy to my taste," too many shiny things, were those diamonds? "If we get to marriage, I'd propose we return this one and get two simple rings instead."

Robert could not believe his eyes. This woman had seen him at his worst and still accepted him for who he was. He couldn't even begin to explain how happy it made him feel.

Phalicia wasn't actively looking for this information, but she was aware that the registry office has a mandatory month-long waiting period, so that would be the time to get to know at least to some extent and decide on how to proceed. Maybe they can arrange some prenups and agree to each keep their own or something.

"Just on one condition!"

Robert looked at her.

"We take a selfie! Right here and now!"

Phalicia hugged Robert with one hand (no, it does seem like a pulled muscle) while covering her breasts and demonstrating the ring with the other one. Robert took careful aim, so that that his naked bottom would not be seen and took a photo.

"Great! Now, can you post it to some social media... No, not the one where retards yell at each other... Yes, the one with fake photos will do! And could you... Ah, actually, post as-is, I'll just share and comment on it later!"

"Ah, I get it now," Robert finally realized what was happening. "You need me to get back at your ex? Well, I do realize that I'm not much of a man myself, but..."

"Hey, shut it!" Phalicia punched his shoulder. "You built this huge marvel of human anatomy, and had the courage to propose to the girl you've just met! That's pretty manly in my book! But, I just fell over five kilometers on... how big that ass was?"

"Five by seven"

"I fell over five thousand meters, got dragged sideways, but managed to hit a patch of thirty square meters at two hundred kilometers per hour - Dead. Center. I just need something to remember a moment!" there's not even a point of sharing this story at the club. No one's going to believe her. "Damn *him*, not charging my camera might have been the worst offense of all!"

Denis was still floating - not that high, but far away. He wasn't making it to the beach, and it appeared he might land in the forest. There was something Phalicia mentioned... or warned? about forests... But hey, what the hell does she know? She's dead! Slight alter to the plan - land in the forest, walk to the beach, and score some beach babes - Denis was still ready to go!

"If I ever dare to try that again, I'll just have to get Guinness committee watching!"

"I'll might need to build a bigger ass for it first..."

"You bet your ass you do!"

"What?"

"What?"

Bettia made herself comfortable in the passenger's seat. She skipped a few cars (a red Kia with some looser, old BMW with two losers and a dog), before hitching a ride in a black new Mercedes. There still wasn't a single thought in her head, but the whole ordeal made her satisfied. After she fucks the driver - a rich young major - and tells her friends about how she put Robert in his place - everyone will be so envy!

A young unemployed driver also wasn't much for thinking, however, he was satisfied too. He cried to his aging mother for months until she bought him a car and now look - a chick scored! When he brags to his friends - everyone will be so envious!

Phalicia, her hair still wet after a shower and wrapped in an oversized (but surprisingly comfortable) male jacket followed Robert (with his pants back on) around what used to be his huge inflated ass. Robert showed her how he made it, and she was asking him questions that went way beyond common courtesy, gasping and marveling at his ingenuity.

Robert, happy to finally be heard, hopped around and explained with childlike enthusiasm.

At that moment, all four of them were happy.

This is an April's First story. Meaning, that I first learned it in April, a few years ago, from the source I have no reason not to trust. At first, I was reluctant to put it in writing, since I didn't know how it ended for all four of them. And now that I do - I may have forgotten some technical details or confused some skydiving things - and for this, I apologize.

I myself am not a technical person, nor have I ever been near a parachute - except for when I visited Phalicia and Robert's new apartments, to congratulate them.

Anyway, as you might have guessed, the two of them stayed together and married. It wasn't perfect - both had their own quirks, and both had to adjust to adjust to make it work, but they don't seem to regret it one bit.

But for all its worth, Robert always makes sure that Phalicia's parachute is packed properly - he even went ahead and got certified. They didn't tell much, but I get that Phalicia never saw any issues with sharing Robert's kinks. Outside of bed, she supports him now that he - with a much clearer head than before - is trying to start his own bouncy castle manufacturing. Not sure how it will go, but maybe one day he will be able to stop worrying about inflation fucking him?

Bettia wasn't missed by any of Roberts's close friends or relatives. When blackmailing failed, she moved on. Like a prized trophy - too beautiful not to fall for it, but too expensive to maintain - she's passed around from man to man. She picked up on the occult and now works as a fortune teller, teaching young girls secrets to happy life and marriage. There's even a client who made her a fortune asking her to invoke a curse against some woman he hates.

On that faithful day, Denis lost control of his parachute in the middle of a forest, right as he passed a pine tree. He collapsed and, tragically, hit his ballsack on a tree branch, ripping his testicles as he fell down three stories high before shattering bones in both his legs. He lost consciousness and was rescued only two hours later by some girls returning from the beach, who called an ambulance on a bleeding and yelling madman. But by the time he arrived at the hospital, it was already too late. Now, he is even more moody than before. There isn't a day now that goes by without him going on a long tirade in a high-pitched voice, blaming Phalicia for "what she had done to him," and he spends half of his every paycheck on a fortune teller, trying to invoke a deathly curse against her. So far it has been ineffective.