Two Southern Gentlemen Ch. 16

Jesse is looking a little intrigued and I don't think I'm imagining that maybe he's also looking a little turned on, but he speaks slowly.

"Do you know how crazy this sounds? You want to do anything I tell you at all? You sound like you want me to be your cult leader or something."

I try to find the words to explain it, some way I can convince him, get him to see it as clearly as I do. The excitement is growing within me and I have to stand up. I'm almost drunk with excitement, I'm almost fucking giddy, and I start pacing restlessly, the need to convince him is so strong. The words are tumbling out of me, a kaleidoscope of impressions and feelings.

"That freedom I felt last time. I've never felt so free in my life. That feeling, that's what I keep coming back to. It was by giving myself up, by letting myself go, that's where the freedom came from. No pretending, no more pressure to act a certain way because it's expected of me, no rules to obey. It sounds like it shouldn't make sense, but it makes perfect sense. I realize now that the answer isn't to grasp tighter at things and try to hold them tighter and tighter and tighter, the answer is to just let go. To trust. To trust you. I need this. I need you to control me. To keep watch over me. To guide me. To teach me."

He's shaking his head, still trying to wrap his head around what I'm saying and clearly not comfortable with the idea. He's just too damn modest!

"You're popular, you're physically stronger than I am, you're rich. I'm just dirt poor trailer trash, like you said before," Jesse says.

"I was a fucking idiot when I said that before, and anyway, none of that stuff matters. That's all material bullshit. That has nothing to do with this, nothing at all. You and I, right now, right here, that's all that matters."

"Pleasure me? You're not worried about that being gay?" he asks, a challenging expression in his eye.

"It doesn't matter if it's gay or not," I say, meaning every word. "I don't need any labels. I don't need to think or have an opinion about anything other than that you're the one telling me what to do, and I'm the one who obeys. My pleasure will come from serving you."

He still doesn't seem completely convinced, so I try to explain it more, and my own explanation convinces me more and more that this is absolutely the right decision.

"It's not just about not having the pressure of having to think for myself anymore. Although, having someone else guide me, to be able to let go, to be able to leave the responsibility of making decisions to someone else, yes that's definitely part of it. But that's not what this is really about. This is about letting myself be free by giving myself completely to someone else. To completely trust in someone else. And not just anyone else, but you. Not just being told what to do, but told by you. Not just being used, used by you. You, the person I respect more than anyone else I've ever met. Do you see?"

He doesn't respond, so I try another way of explaining it.

"There's that natural order among animals. We learned that in biology class, right? It's like you've got the alpha male in the pack, and everyone knows who the alpha is and has to obey him. It's like Joe and the football guys defer to me, because I'm the best player by far on the team, and I'm the strongest, and I'm the fastest. But it's even more than that with you. You're more than just the alpha male in the pack. It's like you're the human, and I'm the ant. Or, I guess, the dog. I'm so far beneath you, but I want to live to serve you. You're so much better than I am. I want to serve you, I want to have that one true purpose. I know it's a big favor, possibly the biggest favor I could ask of you. I know that I'm not worthy of even asking to be able to serve you. I can't make you say yes, but I'm begging you for this chance."

I'm so riled up that I kneel down next to him and look him straight in the eye.

"Please, please say yes. You asked me what I want. This is what I really want. I'm absolutely positive. This feels so right to me. Please."

I feel like there's this pure fire burning in me, lighting up my core, burning clean and bright. I try to push all of that warmth into my words, to transmit all my sincerity to him. I have to convince him. I have to. It's like my whole worthless life has all been leading up to this point, and I'm on tenterhooks, almost breathless waiting to see if he'll go for it, if he'll say yes. I don't want to push any further. I've said my piece and spoken from the deepest part of my heart, and I'm afraid of saying anything more, that saying the wrong thing would tip him the wrong way, tilt him away from me.

Jesse studies me silently for what seems like a very long time. In some ways I feel even more respect for him, that he's taking this seriously and really thinking about it, but I'm also wishing so hard that he would just say yes, please say yes! I can hear my heartbeat thundering in my ears. This feels like the most important moment of my entire life. Like a holy Judgement Day.

"You'd be giving me quite a responsibility..." Jesse says slowly, thinking out loud. I try to be patient, try to show him how much I'm trying to be worthy of him.

"You would do whatever I say?" he asks me again.

I feel a glimmer of hope and respond eagerly. "Yes, sir. Whatever you say. Anything."

That "Yes, sir". Judging from the look on his face, he's also remembering how significant a moment those words were the last time we were here together. But they mean so much more now. This time the words came out so naturally, so easily, without even thinking. The thrill of being obedient to him gets me rock hard, and I feel greedy for wanting it all, wanting all of his attention and control.

Jesse is focused, really considering this carefully, but the more time he takes the more I let myself feel more hopeful. If he wasn't considering it at all he would have already said no by now, right?

"Can you promise you'll be completely honest with me? No games, no bullshit. Can you do that?" he asks, sitting up on his knees.

"Yes, sir. Easy. I will never, ever lie to you, I swear it," I say.

"Are you still going to date your girlfriend?" he asks.

This one's much, much harder. My first instinct is to try to sugarcoat it, to try to come up with some convincing argument, but I just said I was going to be completely honest, and so I'm going to be completely honest.

"I don't really want to date her, but I feel like I can't dump her without a good reason. I want to play football in college, I want to go pro. That's always been my dream. And Misty's part of that whole life. Football, girlfriend, going pro, it's all wrapped up together, and I... I don't think I'm ready to give up that dream yet."

I answered honestly, but my heart sinks a little and I think I've lost my chance. But Jesse is nodding.

"If I told you to break up with her, would you?"

I can't help hesitating at the enormity of such a request. Breaking up with Misty would be like the first crack in the path I've spent my life building up of following my dream of becoming a pro football player. I have to take a second, not because I have a doubt about how I'm going to answer, but because it's hard to actually come out and say it, like just saying it would destroy my dream right then and there.

I have to swallow hard a couple of times, but finally I say it. "Yes, sir. I would if you told me to do it. I trust you. I trust that you'll do what's best for me, what's right. I trust you absolutely."

Jesse is watching my face closely and he seems satisfied with my answers, and I only notice now that I've been sweating bullets during his questioning. I feel relieved that I got through that, but I'm definitely not in the clear yet.

Jesse stands and instinctively I feel like he wants me to stand as well. We're still facing each other, and our eyes are still locked. When he speaks again, there's a solemness to both his voice and his words.

"Dusty. You said you would do everything I say. Did you mean it? Are you really willing to do anything and everything I say, without question, without fail. Can you do that?"

The way he says it, it's so solemn, it's almost ceremonial.

"Yes, sir," I say, and saying that feels so good.

"Anything and everything? Swear it. Swear you'll do everything I say, without question."

It's become easy to say "Yes, sir", but to swear to it, to swear to obey anything and everything... to really commit to what wasn't even an idea in my head, well, my conscious thoughts, until a few minutes ago. But having to think about breaking up with Misty, knowing in my heart that I would be able to do it, I know now that I really would be able to do anything this man told me to do, even break up with Misty, even give up my football dreams for him, even that. But I still have to think hard about all of this one more time. Last time, by submitting I was able to completely free myself, all because I trusted this man, Jesse. How much do I trust him, really, really trust him? I'm looking into his bright hazel eyes, and I see honesty in them, openness, compassion, intelligence, gentleness, strength, wisdom. The look in his eyes says that he still doesn't quite expect that I'd be able to swear to such a vow, but like before, he wouldn't judge me if I turned away now. But I know that the alternative, of not taking this risk, is to drive myself crazy, living a life full of anxiety, confusion, doubt. But it's not really a risk, even though it seems like it would be. Even though in terms of time I don't know him really well, I know in my heart with complete certainty that I can trust this man completely.

"As God is my witness," I say equally solemnly. "I will do absolutely anything and everything you say, without question, without fail. I swear it. So help me God."

"I believe you," he says in response, nodding.

There's no big thunderclap or other sign from heaven, but I feel such an immense and complete relief that I've been accepted that I feel tears coming to my eyes. I don't know what convinced him in the end, but I know that this is as right as right can be, and I feel so unbelievably, wildly, deliriously happy, no, overjoyed.

Jesse surprises me by interrupting my thoughts and continuing the ceremonial talk that I thought was over.

"And I will also promise. I swear this before God in heaven: to be completely honest with you, same as you are to me, no bullshit, no games. I will try to always be worthy of your trust. I'm warning you now, I may not get it perfect every time. But I'll always try to do the right thing by you, to the utmost of my ability. Do you accept my promise?"

"Yes, sir," I say, still surprised and deeply moved by his vow, which I feel so unworthy of. "I do."

Jesse looks pleased and smiles broadly, and then he starts laughing loudly.

"I half expect the preacher to pop up out of nowhere to bless our vows before heaven," he says chuckling.

"I was thinking the exact same thing," I say, laughing along with him, and I think we're both feeling a big release of all the tension.

We're left smiling at each other, and I feel so warm and light and just plain happy. This has got to easily be the best moment in my life so far.

"I feel like we should shake hands on it or something," I say, still smiling.

"We can do better than that. Come here," he says holding his hands out.

I put my hands in his like a bride on her wedding day, and he leans forward for a kiss on the lips.

Without hesitating I meet him halfway and our lips join together as we seal our vows with a chaste kiss. He feels 100% like a man and it's, well, fucking electric. But not a dangerous electricity like before. This is warmth, comfort, coziness, like a crackling fire providing light, safety, and security.

"All right then," he says with a more businesslike air as he pulls back.

He pulls out his already erect dick from his pants.

"First you're going to strip all your clothes off, and then you're going to suck my cock until I cum, boy."

I feel his words reverberate all through my body, especially my crotch.

"Yes, sir!" I say. I'm so happy and excited to have my first official command. And I can't wait to obey.