Ugly American Ch. 01

"Darrin." Zoie addressed me.

"Yes!" I said almost jumping to attention.

"Let us get you some aspirin, for if you have a headache later."

"No problem Zoie I have a tough noggin" I tapped my head with a knuckle.

Zoie looked confused. "What is this noggin?"

"Forget it Zoie." I was trying to figure some way to keep talking to her. Having been out of the dating scene for over a decade, I was not sure what to do. "Umm..Ah..Zoie..will I see you later?"

"Zoie gave me kind of a half smile. "Well Darrin I will be in the Officer bar at 2200 tonite."

She paused for a moment as I looked confused. "Darrin that is 10PM in your American time. I would as you say..much enjoy to see you there."

I bid Zoie goodbye than saw my Pilipino junior engineer still in the medical center lobby staring at me.

"What?" I said.

The small engineer chuckled. "I never saw Zoie smile before. We call her "Ice Queen" on the ship. She is always nice, but holds everybody at bay. You wanna share some of those New York City or Los Angles lines you laid on her with me?"

Now it was my turn to laugh. "Not all of us are from New York or LA, lots of America between those two coasts. Let's get back to the engine room."

++++++

That evening the Officers broke out the bottles of Aquavit I had brought. The bar was a whirlwind of accents -Nordic, German, Eastern European, Caribbean Island, with several others I could not understand. I found the biggest language barriers to be with the crew members from "Across the pond" -as the UK residents like to say. I found as an American the United Kingdom and USA shared the same language, but not words. "Torch (flashlight)", "Spanner (wrench)", "Lift (elevator)","Petro (fuel), Bonnet (hood), had us united by the same tongue, but divided by a common language. I saw a Spanish crewmember ask his Dutch counterpart if they were to speak English or American. At first I thought it did not make sense-now I understood.

These people could really drink. Mac had warned me on the airplane "Look Darrin my boy -I do not care how well you think you can hold your booze. Any twenty year old Aussie girl will drink your ass under the table. Unlike the States there is generally no age limit for alcohol in most countries-so while you were sneaking beers at your prep school graduation, these kids were already quaffing down a liter of ale."

I heeded Mac warning, sticking to ginger ale after a few toasts with the Aquavit. I could not see what those pale monsters saw in that drink. Damn stuff tasted like lighter fluid.

Mac was engaged in a heated debate about firearms with the Israeli Chief of Security, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Zoie the nurse standing above me.

"Darrin may I sit and talk a while at you." She asked.

"Sure Zoie" I replied, grabbing a chair from a nearby table. "What would you like to drink? We brought some Aquavit."

Zoie wrinkled her nose, before placing her hand on my leg as she sat. "A glass of white wine please Darrin."

I returned with Zoie's drink, we were alone at the table as an impromptu dart game had sprung up in the bar, roping in most of the patrons.

"Thank you Darrin." Zoie said sipping her glass.

"No problem Zoie." I racked my brain for something to say. "Um..how long you been on ships?"

"This is my second contract on this ship." Zoie replied. "I did two other contracts on the ROYAL VIKINGs sister ship."

"How long is a contract?"

Zoie smiled at me before answering me. "My contracts range between six and eight months shipboard, with about six to eight weeks off."

"Do you go home then? Where do you call home?"

Zoie paused before answering. "I mostly stay a few days here and there with various members of the crew I have made friends with. Otherwise I camp out at a hotel. Home..well that is a long story."

I could listen to this lady talk all night. However I felt this was not a story I would hear now.

"Do you like it?" I asked trying to keep the conversation going.

"Yes Darrin it is not so bad a life. Enough about me, tell me about you and your life in America."

I gave Zoie the short version of my little town, showed her a picture of AJ on my phone display, explained how I had come to be on the ship.

"Zoie returned my phone with AJs picture. "You and your wife must be very proud of him."

"Sad to say Zoie, we are not together anymore. AJ stays with me now."

Zoie seemed a little shocked. "Your son's mother is not with him? What kind of women would.." She stopped for a second. "Sorry Darrin, none of my business." Deftly changing the subject Zoie asked "We are going to do the Caribbean run out of Miami and Fort Lauderdale this season. It will be my first time in North America, I look forward to it. Are you near those Ports?"

"No" I shook my head. "But my Mom is retired, she lives in South Florida now. AJ and I have been meaning to come visit her. Perhaps we can meet up.?"

Zoie gave me another smile. "I would like that Darrin."

Just then the dart game broke up, so the table became crowded again. I saw that Zoie had became quiet, more reserved. It was if there were two Zoie's-the polite professional with the staff, and the friendly lady I had just been chatting with.

I really was enjoying my time with this international group, but felt my energy level start to drop after a while. Zoie must have noticed, as she drained her glass of wine then turned to me. "Darrin I must get up early, would you walk me to my cabin?"

Talk about an energy boost. I jumped up as Zoie bid our table mates good night.

+++++

As we walked the ship, Zoie nodded to passengers, stopping every now and then, saying a few words to various guests. From the conversations these people had recently visited the sick bay (excuse me-"medical center"). Zoie took great interest in their answers. I was impressed by her concern with people she had just met, and may never see again in a few days.

Finally we reached the officer area of the ship, standing in front of her cabin door.

Zoie turned to look me in the eye. "Darrin I enjoyed talking at you, and would like to see more of you. But as large as this ship is, it is still small and I do not wish to be as you say ..another belt notch."

She then gave me a kiss that knocked my socks off. When I sought to embrace Zoie, she pushed me back.

"Darrin there is something you need to see first." With that Zoie pulled back her hair with one hand exposing the left side of her face. The other hand pulled over the neckline of her blouse showing off her left shoulder.

All of Zoie's skin, from the far left temple into her hairline, down her neck and over her shoulder disappearing under the shirt, was an ugly mass of mottled discolored membrane, pockmarked and rough.

I stared for a second until Zoie turned away releasing her hair to cover the disfiguration, while rearranging her top to hide the ghastly scars.

Zoie spoke as she revolved to face me. "Childhood accident Darrin. I understand if you are offended."

I finally found my voice. "So what Zoie? What does that have to do about what a great person you are?" I shrugged. "You didn't have to show me that, but I am glad you did."

Zoie smiled at me, putting her finger on my lips. "You are kind man to say so,-even if you did not mean it." She shook her head as I tried to speak. "Darrin I let you sleep on it. If you still feel same way, I meet you for noontime meal on top deck tomorrow."

With that Zoie disappeared into her cabin.

++++++

I could not wait until lunch to see Zoie. Mac was in better spirits, now that our major issues seemed to have been overcome. However, he was still having no luck convincing the Chief engineer to run full out on our fuel.

At noon Mac, with me in tow, met an elderly group of his countrymen that were on Holiday with their wives. They spent some time talking and swapping war stories. The older Scotsmen were telling what sounded like tall tales of "the good old days". I was awaiting Zoie's arrival, wandering away, leaving the group on the on the top deck. When one of the Scotsman wives peering over the railing shrieked "PIRATES! PIRATES!'

We all rushed over to side railing, were I was astonished to see two zodiac boats with a bunch of raggedly dressed armed black men up against the side of the ship. In the distance, four more zodiac boats were racing toward our vessel.

The ships security officer dashed to the stairway pulling out his radio as he ran. "Code POPPA, Code POPPA. This is not a drill- this is not a drill. All Security Personnel to stations. Prepare to repel boarders. I repeat this is not a drill. Code POPPA."

We all continued to stare over the railings, when one of the guys on the zodiac raised an AK-47 in our direction, firing off a volley of bullets.

"Jesus Christ!" I shouted, throwing myself away from the railing like everyone else. I hit the deck, crawling away as fast as I could, when I saw Mac leap to his feet.

"COME ON LADS! DON'T JUST LAY THERE!" Mac shouted, waving is hands, pointing to the railing. "Let's show these bastards what happens when they get a Scotsmen's BLOOD UP!"

Suddenly a cry rose up from this elderly group of men that shook me to my bones. This crazy mob of Scots jumped up off the deck, rushing to grab bottles off the tables, -jostling each other as they raced to the railing. Then they started throwing wine magnums, jugs and decanters over the side of ship down at the pirates. After the bottles were all used up, they next hurled deck chairs at their attackers heedless of the gunfire coming up from the small boats below. I watched in disbelief as these old men picked up entire tables, flinging the counters over the side down at the zodiacs. It was not just the men --I saw the wives chucking their high heeled shoes at the bandits. Umbrellas, ashtrays, dishes, cups, glasses, and then whole coffee services became hand thrown missiles. Anything not bolted down was tossed at our assailants.

I couldn't believe it, but it looked like the antics of these William Wallace "Bravehearts" were holding off the boarders! The zodiacs backed away from the ship, as the trash onslaught continued. On a deck above, I saw the ships security staff fitting parabolic looking devices onto mounts, as the ship leaped forward.

Mac pointed up at the security staff, then started yelling. "Give them bloody bastards the sonic blast!" Mac had a big grin on his face as he pulled me up off the deck, pointing out the devices, and the zodiacs surrounding the ship. "One of our divisions makes them noise toys. Them things will blow out them goddamn asshole eardrums with a narrow sound beam."

I was terrified, but Mac looked like he was having the time of his life.

"Look there Laddie." Mac said pointing out a larger boat in the distance. "That is them fucker's mother ship. Them bastards never would had made it out this far to sea if that mother ship had not brought them."

"Mac can't we just outrun them" I said, while trying to stop from shaking.

"Gotta get that damn mother ship, or them pricks will just follow us around the ocean."

Is as if Captain Sven had heard him, our ship turned and headed full speed at the mother ship. Meanwhile the old Scots were crowded at the railing shaking their fists at the zodiacs, calling the pirates foul names, cursing them out, most daring them to come back and fight. One elderly man undid his pants to bare his ass, whirling around to "moon" the pirates. Then all of them-men and women - began releasing belts, dropping trousers, lifting skirts and turning their naked backsides until over three dozen pale white wrinkled buttocks were on display, hanging over the railing.

Even as terrified as I was that sight made me giggle. Meanwhile our ship was bearing down on the pirates mother ship full speed. A dozen zodiacs were trying to keep up with us, like angry sea dogs. A few saw what the captain was doing, and started firing both small arms, and hand held RPGs at the ship. As the two ships closed, our captain poured on the steam. The Pirates mother ship tried to pull away, but Captain Sven was having none of that. Our ship shuttered for a moment as we rammed the Pirate ship in its aft section. The hit tore off the mother ship's props, and most of its tail.

A triumph shout went up from group as Mac yelled. "That buggers done for! She's dead in the water!"

I was elated for a moment, but saw we had another problem. The pirates in the zodiacs were now redoubling their effort to board the ship. With their mother ship knocked out, their only choices were our ship, or being stranded in the middle of the ocean --which could mean a certain slow death.

I ran for the engine room, being thrown against the hallway bulkhead walls as Captain Sven made swooping S turns trying to overturn the smaller zodiacs with the ship wake. Reaching the engine room, I explained quickly to the Chief Engineer what I wanted to do.

The big Nordic gave swift orders to his staff, then turned toward me to speak. "Go Darrin! We give them pirates some Viking Thunder!" the blond giant then slapped me on the back so hard I almost fell over.

I followed the Philippine junior engineer holding a box, who raced ahead, leading me to an upper deck. Standing at the railing on the back aft of the crew deck, we saw at least a dozen zodiacs closing in on the ship. A loud GUSH came out as the dump pumps discharged hundreds of gallons at a time of the modified JP jet fuel from the ships tanks into the waters below. The Filipino and I grabbed a handful of flares from the box as the pirates got closer.

Now I am certain at some point in my life I have done dumber things then throwing white hot lighted flares onto an ocean of jet fuel. But at that moment, I truly could not recall committing a more inane dim-witted act.

The first few flares went out, or had no effect. I knew that the fuel was lighter than seawater, so the fuel must be on the surface. I tried to keep the rising panic down as a pirate zodiac almost reached the ship. Suddenly I remembered it was not the fuel that burns,-it was the vapors coming off the fuel that burns. We were down to throwing out our last flares when unexpectedly a massive WHOOSH of air crackled thru the sky. The churning wake from the ship had agitated the fuel enough for vapors to be developed. These vapors had ignited!

Little did we know I had unintentionally created a small Fuel Air Bomb close to the surface of the water. A mini mushroom cloud rose up as a fireball spread out, sucking oxygen from the air. The Filipino was faster and wiser ducking down behind the ships railing plate. I was still standing there with my mouth open, staring at the sight when the concussion blast reached the ship, slamming into me hard.

Last I remember was being picked up, then hurled several yards into the aft bulkhead before darkness slid over me...