Under Life

I know I'm sitting on the floor holding my knees and crying so hard I can't breathe.

Marks house I'm in Marks house.

I remember, I remember watching you because; it was in that moment I knew that I loved you. I remember watching you listening with big eyes. Listening to Mom rant about those dirty lesbians that god hates. I can hear her now, but then I wasn't listening to her. We aren't lesbians; we loved each other, didn't we.

I can feel you holding me, you love me. I feel your skin, Marks house we're in Marks house.

I remember, I remember watching you nodding your head, listening to Mom and nodding your head. Filthy lesbians, dirty lesbians, and then you looked that me. You looked at me, and I have to hide. I can't let you see, I have to hide. You'll think I'm a lesbian if you see me. You'll hate me.

"Missy, I remember, I remember Mom....my Mom..."

I can feel your tears; I can feel your skin. Marks house we're in Marks house. I know I'm falling apart, but I can't stop. I have to remember it all.

I remember, I remember running, running away. Running from you, I can't let you see, have to hide. Your following me, I can't let you see. Why are you following me? I can't let you see. That I love you.

"Missy remember...seventh grade...Mom's church rant. Dirty, filthy lesbians...Mom seventh...God hates lesbians...have to hide...can't let you see."

As I say this, you're looking at me. I know I'm sitting on the floor. So it's OK for you to see me, Marks house. I need you to remember with me. So we can heal.

"Missy...Mark's house, safe at Mark's...we need to heal...Mom, my Mom."

I can feel you grab my face; it's so slick with tears.

"Your eyes Missy, your wonderful beautiful eyes...I'm sorry...you need to remember..."

You're shaking my head.

"NO...Janey you don't need to remember. Your done remembering, ENOUGH come back to me NOW. We're at Mark's house, safe at Mark's. Janey I love you, hold me, I need you Janey!"

I have to help Missy, I always help Missy. Because I love her.

Mark

***********************

God...I feel so helpless. One minute we're all having fun chasing each other around the house. They disappear running around the corner; I hear the bedroom door slam. Janey teasing Missy to come out. Then this...wailing scream, it sounded like someone was dying, dying in horrible pain. I run, flying around that corner, Missy's throwing herself out the door of the bedroom. Janey's sitting in a ball against the wall. She's wailing, crying, and gasping trying to suck in air, all at the same time. Even in just those few seconds. Janey's screamed and cried so hard she's out of air. She's trying to talk, tell Missy to remember. Something about her Mom, she's bouncing her head against the wall.

Janey's freaking out worse than any drunken drug trip I've ever seen.

I can't do anything, I'm frozen, standing here watching Janey come all apart. I can see that their trapped in some childhood memory. Missy's got these huge tears running down her face. I can tell she's repelled by the memory that Janey's reliving, but she's trying to help Janey. Trying to get Janey to stop remembering.

I can't make sense of what Janey's saying, but Missy can! God hates lesbians, seventh grade, running, Mark's house, it's just gibberish. Missy's yelling at Janey telling her to stop, telling Janey to help her.

The volume just drops; Janey throws her arms around Missy and carries her to the floor. I feel like I played a whole b-ball game, running. I don't know how long I've been holding my breath; I'm panting, head dizzy. Janey still crying, but it's just crying. God...just crying, what man can deal well with a woman just crying. Most guys want to run and hide, or do something to make it stop, fix it. I didn't do well, I froze.

Janey's wrapped around Missy, her heads buried in her shoulder, sobbing. Missy's making soft noises, holding Janey. Patting her on the back, trying to get her to settle down. I look into Missy's eyes...their hollow pits filled with pain. My god such pain! It's as if her soul was silently crying. She's being so strong, hurting so, but focused on helping Janey. She's such an amazing woman...

"Mark come help me get her on the bed." I virtually jump to help her, but Janey jerks in response.

"Slowly Mark, slowly, pick her up and take her to the bed, please."

As I lift her away from Missy, she turns her head to my shoulder, and wraps around me. A soft whisper in my ear.

"So strong, Mark you're so strong."

"No Janey, our Missy is the strongest." A soft giggle.

"Yeah she's very special, isn't she?"

"She's the best thing in our lives, Janey."

I kneel on the bed and lay her in the center. Missy's crawling to her. They roll to face each other. Missy looks in my eyes and rolls hers to Janey, silently asking me to hold her too. So I spoon Janey and try to enfold them both. Their whispering to each other, but I don't listen in. I just try to hold them both, and get myself calmed down. I think we might have a problem; the three of us are very emotional people. We're going to love hard and fight hard, times three. A little later:

"Mark I have to get out of these wet pants, please stay here."

I nod to Missy. I pull my knees up into a tighter spoon position, ease Janey tighter to me. I don't realize until Janey:

"Very pretty Mark." I'm humming to Janey a silly little lullaby.

"You make me feel so safe Mark, even in the middle of my freak out. I knew I was safe in your house."

I lean in and kiss her ear. We just lay there and settled out. It seems like Missy's been gone awhile. When she comes back.

"It's just after lunch Mark so I made some sandwiches. We're probably all hungry."

Janey

***********************

I feel as if I'm washed out, I could sleep for a week. But at the same time I'm wired, my body's almost shivering. I've 'never' done anything like that before. I dropped into that memory in an instant, it hit me hard. I didn't have any time to do anything.

"Mark...Missy, I guess I should try to explain what happen to me today. I don't want Mark to throw me out as a nut case.

Running around the house like we used to, triggered some memories. In remembering those games we played, I remembered how much fun it was. I remembered when it stopped, seventh grade. Then I knew why it stopped. My mind put together all the pieces, and dropped me into that day. So many years ago. And it was one day, everything changed that one day. Hell maybe in that one hour."

"Mark, Missy had the wonderful pleasure of growing up around my Mom, but I don't think even she got the full effect. My Mom was the epitome of 40's church lady, a throwback to a time when women weren't supposed to think for themselves. If the pastor, or anyone in authority, told her anything. It was the absolute truth, and she swallowed it whole. If she heard, I know she did, a fire and brimstone sermon on unnatural acts against God. It was the total absolute truth, straight from God, as he told it through the pastor's mouth."

"I don't know why she felt she had 'caught' two pre-teen girls. And had to teach them the wrath of God, double barreled, and at full volume. Against those filthy, dirty lesbians. But that's what she tried to do. She stopped just short of physically beating us."

"Why Mom did that I don't know. Unless Missy can remember something else, what I remember is we had all our clothes on, we weren't kissing, weren't touching in naughty places. Why she felt she 'caught' a couple of lesbians, I don't know. Unless she could read my mind, that was part of what was so traumatic that day. It was the very day I realized that I loved Missy. I don't know how Missy was feeling, but I was young and in love. Maybe that's what tripped Mom off; she could see I was 'in love'."

"To know that my Mom is the one who hurt us so, burns. A mother's love is supposed to be gentle and nurturing. Not to mindlessly spit out poisonous venom, which some fire and brimstone preacher said to her."

"That's part of what hurts so much, the years; of pain, doubt, denial, and just plain deep loneliness. The time to find out how, 'we' wanted to live 'our' lives. That's what my Mom robbed us of."

"That's the memory my mind dropped me into. It was as real as standing there in my own body. Because that's where I was, right in my younger self. Standing there looking and listening to Mom preach at me and Missy. But it was more than just a memory, what was freaking me out was I was there and here too."

"I could feel Missy touching me. Here in the hallway. I could see her back in our old house. Everything was doubled but different. Happening at the same instant, in the past and present both. Feeling how scared I was in the here and now. Feeling the pain and fear Mom was causing Missy and me, in the then. My mind couldn't handle it. The mind is a powerful thing. It's also a very fragile thing too. The fear and pain a mother can drive into it is terrifying. Now Mark knows, for sure, I'm a nut case."

"Yesterday there was something I decided to do. So I made an appointment for today, which I need to do at the hospital. I'm going to have to hustle to get there. No Missy I'm not running away, I'm going to get a blood test done."

"A blood test. What for Janey?"

"A blood test for STD's. I'm always very safe and careful, but with us all involved. I'm going to be sure, very sure. I asked the doctor, yesterday to be sure to test Missy's blood. He said that they always do, but he would make sure. I felt that if Missy was tested clean, Mark would be too. So with my test good, we would all be sure, safe, above board."

"That was very good thinking Janey; I didn't know that they would test Missy's blood automatically. Tying mine in with hers was sharp. Getting yours done. That's thoughtful, very thoughtful. I appreciate it."

"You guys need to sit and think, talk to each other. Decide if you really want to have this nut case around." Missy jumped up wrapping her arms around me.

"Always Janey, always, you're not getting away from us now. Never again are you going to be away from me. I love you Janey, always."

"You said you feel safe in my house and in my arms. You're always welcome in both."

Melisa

***********************

After Janey left, Mark and I just sat and looked at each other. I think we were both still in shock. I know that I had never seen anything like what happened to Janey. But it answered a lot of questions. I knew Janey always considered her mother a religious nut. I know I felt, she was seriously overzealous. And I can see what her influence would have been on us, when we were that young. I'm not very religious, but then again, I don't disbelieve. Being told that God hates lesbians.

At that young of an age; I know I would have believed her, without a doubt. Looking at that now, I realize how much I've been blocking out. How much of my life I've ignored, how much love has been lost. I guess that love hasn't been lost, just the time. Plus Janey's pain, oh god...Janey's pain. I don't know how she'd lived with that and kept loving me, for all those years. To love someone that much, for most of your life. And never have them acknowledge, or even see that love. But if Janey and I had been together all along, I wouldn't have Mark, I mean we wouldn't have Mark.

OH...GOD, I just realized how much shit this is going to cause between Janey and her mom. I mean they hardly talk to each other now. Janey and I together...are going to freak her out completely. Add Mark in, shit that woman is going to implode!! She's not going to leave her church for months. Janey's dad is so fed up with his wife right now. If she causes a split with Janey, he might leave her. Janey's definitely daddy's little girl. He'll want anything that makes her happy.

Maybe, no probably we won't have to even worry about Janey's mom. I know their relationship was severely strained before, now! With Janey's realization that her mom is at the root cause of her pain and anguish. I know Janey will never forgive her. I think that relationship is dead. That's so sad, but I don't think Janey should, or will forgive her.

I know I don't, to severely traumatize two young girls. To the extent that, they mentally blocked out an incident. Causing it to affect the rest of their lives. Thinking about how this influenced our lives, I wonder if it made this a self full filling prophecy? If Janey and I had been left to grow up normally, we might have grown out of little girl crushes? Instead she drove this deep into our psyche. Then added the contradiction of being wrong, filthy, hated by God. It made each of us hide our feelings from each other. Fearing the other's censure, disgust, and possible exile. Exile from someone you love.

I know when I felt Janey's pain and horror of that memory today. It was so strong it blasted all the walls I had created in my mind too. Against us loving each other, and of my true feelings for Janey. You see, I think I loved, and had sexual feelings for Janey before she did for me. Well, as much sexual feelings as a young girl that age can. I was the one who kept coming back crying to Janey, for her special hugs. I know I wasn't that broke up about Tommy Johnston. But I wanted Janey to love me, and hold me. This was much before that day with her mom.

When her mom 'caught' us, castigated us at full volume. Of how much she loathes lesbians, that being me. Because I loved Janey, that made me a lesbian. Then Janey ran from me. I was sure she knew what I had been doing. Getting her hugs and love. I thought she believed her mom and thought I was a lesbian. She was going to hate me, and leave me, all alone. So I would show her that I wasn't a lesbian and would never be one. I would hide my love from her, and I ended up hiding it from myself too.

I realize that I've been sitting here lost in my own head space for awhile, ignoring my lover Mark.

"Hey big boy, you want to go mess up the bed?"

Mark

***********************

I have been sitting watching Missy, with her thousand yard stare. Lost in her thoughts. I feel like I've been run through the mill, played b-ball all day long. As I thought a while ago, all three of us are very emotional people. We are going to love hard, times three. And it really fucking wipes you out. I feel a little jealous that Missy's probably wrapped up in her head about Janey and all the drama today.

Well not much, but a little, that wailing scream from Janey today has really affected me. In my life I don't think I've seen anyone in that much pain. Sure bruises, torn muscles, broken bones. But not that much soul crushing emotional pain. Strangely I know it couldn't have been faked, no one is that good an actor. But the weird part is I could actually feel her pain, in my heart I could feel her pain. But I couldn't relate to that much pain in my mind. It just didn't compute. I came up blank, I froze. I've graduated from college, in charge of an international company, big CEO. I've played countless major basketball games. Some televised, before thousands of people. Hell, before the whole nation. And I came up blank!

I think if I could have ripped my heart out, and given it to Janey, to stop that pain, I would have! Logically I'm amazed, that day in the bar, when I first seen Janey. Sure she was hotter than a forest fire, sex on long tall pins. But I also thought; blond, arrogant, show off, cock sure of herself, wild child. Beautiful yes, but I wasn't really impressed with her. Then she just walked out on her best friend, left her by herself in that bar. Then she disappeared for weeks. I wasn't impressed.

But that bashful shyness, in getting undressed last night. That childish game today. Then that wailing scream of pain. Is forcing me to review my judgment of Janey. Our time in the hospital yesterday. Seeing her very evident love for Missy, yet her willingness to make hard choices for Missy's health. If all of us are right in our thinking, a true triad relationship. They're life time choices. Yet she made them to benefit Missy first, not herself. Like she said in Missy's room, Missy's been her whole life...'Hey big boy, you want to go mess up the bed'. As I look up, those white blue eyes banish that little bit of jealousy, in a single heart beat.

Melisa

***********************

Oh shit, I just asked Mark if he wants to 'mess up the bed', before I even thought about it. Now, somehow it doesn't seem right.

"Missy this may sound real weird, but I feel like that would be cheating..."

"Yeah Mark, it feels like being unfaithful. Janey should be here."

"I think we've made a commitment, Missy, or at least to an attempt at one. This first time should be with all of us. I know there will be other times, where one of us has to be gone. But it feels like this first time needs to 'set' things, set that commitment. I don't know if that makes sense?"

"Exactly how I feel too. I couldn't have said it better."

"Well, I guess we wait on our blond wild child."

"Ha-ha-ha, why do you call her a 'wild child', Mark?"

"I just started calling her that after that day we met at the bar. She strutted up to my group, brash and bold. Like she didn't give a fuck what you thought of her. She was hot and wild, and she knew it too. A wild child, so that's what I called her."

"Ha, I'll have to tell her that, I think she'll get a kick out of that. Janey, the wild child, yeah it fits too."

"Hey Mark Janey's back, and she brought dinner too."

Janey

***********************

Driving in the car to the hospital gave me some much needed time to get my head on straight. The emotional hits just seem to keep coming, one right after another. Damn this Jaguar of Mark's is sweet, drives like a dream too. All the bells and whistles, plenty of power, smooth, smooth power. It's just what I needed to take my mind off that emotional roller coaster.

I told the hospital lab to rush the test results. They promised me a call by tomorrow afternoon. I know it will be clear, but you never know. You can be as careful as you can be, but shit can happen. Just one tiny tear in a condom, something you never spotted. Just once, that's all it would take. I won't risk Missy; I would do anything to keep her safe. I would never hurt her. A simple blood test is just small change.

DAMN mom, I could hate her. I know she's my mother, but I could hate her. Until today, I thought the only one mom's extreme beliefs hurt, was maybe herself. We're so far apart in our view points, all we do is fight. I can't even stand to be around her. I think it's been two maybe three months since I've even talked to her. Even on the phone, damn her. I'm glad she's a woman, if she was a man she would go around beating her beliefs into everyone with her fists. With mom you're either with her or against her. If you're with her, it's down the street in lock step and emotional fists. DAMN her, I know dad's fed up with her too.

Part of what makes mom's beliefs so extreme. Are not the beliefs themselves, after all she goes to a Christian church. It's just that there is no mercy of Christ in mom. She's all Old Testament; stone the sinner to death in the streets. The preacher will tell you who the sinner is and hand you the first stone. And by damn it's your duty to god to throw that stone, when he tells you to.

Mom never used to be so bad, it seems the older she gets. The more bitter and hateful she becomes. I really think, because of my love toward Missy. Mom would stone me to death in that street, literally. And think herself righteous, if it wasn't against the law.

I need to quit thinking about mom, it's getting me to hate just like her. Plus the only one that's hurting is me. I really need to leave it behind, in the past. To go forward into life and love, with Missy and Mark, to love not hate.