Under Orion's Gaze

**** TW: The following story might not be for everyone as it contains sensitive content that some people may find disturbing. It mentions struggles with mental health, depression and self-harm, even though it ultimately is an erotic love story. Please proceed with caution. ****

*Summary:*

This is a narrative about a long term relationship with a person suffering from mental health issues. A stable, compassionate and supportive man is reminiscing his connection to a woman he's deeply in love with. In flashbacks he is reliving the start of the relationship, the first time sleeping with her, her "confession" that she's troubled and his reaction to all of that. He is talking about how her illness affected his view of her and the relationship itself. And how, in the end, even though the journey was hard and didn't turn out as he'd hoped, it was worth going through it all, cause there is beauty, grace and strength even in the most vulnerable people on this earth.

*Author's Note:*

I wrote this one a while ago and it was originally published on Reddit as a script offer to the voice acting community. It has gotten a few very beautiful fills that I deeply treasure, but since this is a piece still very dear to my heart, it deserves to be shared here as well, even though it might not be a standard erotic story. I hope some of you might connect to it nevertheless.

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★ UNDER ORION'S GAZE ★

3am. Outside all is quiet, almost hauntingly so. Only the stars are gleaming silently, shining their light through this window next to my bed and telling their tales of days gone by.

Oh Hypnos, bless me because I need rest. But my desperate pleas are falling on deaf ears once more. The god of sleep is a cruel master.

I lie awake, my breath is slow and steady though, my eyes are wandering. There, in the dark sky, Orion is looking down on me.

My mind journeys to the chapter of our third date, it targets our walk out of the bar, after we had talked for hours and hours. The cold winter air transformed your breath into hot steamy clouds as you laughed and told me that you didn't want to go home just yet.

„I would like to show you something", you said and timidly took my hand. We walked in silence for a little while, not minding it, because we both felt comfortable enough in each other's presence already. And to be honest, the warmth of your hand in mine and feeling you next to me was all I needed in that moment.

You lead us to the riverside, a little distance away from the late night silent roads and their yellow buzzing street lights. Ballsy to come here with an almost stranger, I thought, but looking back at it now, I realize it was probably more a wild mixture of recklessness, excitement and in the end trust, that made you decide to bring me here.

Your hand still in mine, we sat down on a huge piece of driftwood near the shore. The soft rustle of the river in our ears and the stillness of the night were beautiful, but nothing compared to that glance you gave me when you turned towards me and directed me to look up. My gaze followed yours to the sky. I hadn't even realized the stars were so bright and visible. On a midnight blue, almost black sky thousands of tiny orbs flared their light into the nothingness of space, composing constellations that had already been interpreted, admired and worshiped by our ancestors.

"A gorgeous sight.. " I stated, looking back at you, knowing it wasn't only the sky I meant, but you sitting next to me like this. Eyes wide in delight, full of longing and on your lips a soft smile with a hint of underlying sadness.

You gestured south-east, at Orion the hunter, and then told me your favorite version of a tale about the son of Poseidon and how he was blinded as a punishment for pursuing Merope, daughter of the ruler of Chios. After losing his sight, he wandered towards the east in hope to find and be healed by Eos, goddess of the dawn. When she saw him, she instantly was smitten. Begrudged and jealous of that love, the goddess Artemis shot and killed Orion, who was then placed amongst the stars, close to the seven sisters, the Pleiades, who he also had once tried to unsuccessfully woo. Night after night he now tries to catch up with them, but never succeeds. Just like Eos is never able to see Orion again, for when dawn approaches, he will vanish from the sky and is out of her reach for eternity.

Your eyes turned sad as you kept your gaze on the constellation and I could sense your melancholy getting stronger as you finished your narration. I realized you were not only telling a story, but you were affected by it, drowning in it. The emotions the gods once experienced themselves were overcoming you, flooding through you, filling you with their pain and love and yearning.

I was impressed and bewildered, that someone would immerse themself so deeply into a simple mythical tale, but I found out pretty soon that this was just who you were. What you did. You not only listened, read, saw, but felt everything, always. Tasted others' tears, embraced their laughter, smiled at their beauty, fought with their anger, crumbled in their despair. Nothing was trivial to you, not even a simple story. And I admired you for it. For your empathy and grace, for being so exceptional, so brave. In that instance, sitting next to you like this, your hand still in mine, I knew that I loved you. Wanted you. Needed you to be mine.

You must have felt me staring at you, because you took your eyes off the night sky and looked back at me. I wanted to apologize for my impudence, but you excused yourself for being absent minded instead. I wouldn't have any of it and I shushed you with a kiss.You let out a small gasp of surprise, but then kissed me back and we melted into each other. Your lips spoke to me about your shy longing for connection, your quiet need for love, your hidden desire to be wanted, your hope to be whole again in another person's arms. And I was ready to give you all of that.

When we parted, your eyes were still closed and I felt that you didn't want to lose this moment. It was essential for you to savor it, to etch it deep inside your core, so you could come back to it whenever you needed to. You digesting a simple kiss like this intrigued me and instigated the thought of how you'd react to more. What would it feel like if you drowned in my embrace, with our naked bodies intertwined in ecstasy, our moans reverberating in our ears, our souls singing the same song of pure bliss in tune with each other.

I found out later that night. I took you home. Your invitation to warm up with a cup of tea after sitting outside for so long was a mere pretense and we both were aware of that. As the electric kettle turned itself off, we had already utilized our bodies and growing desire as our own source of heat.

Your kisses burned up my insides, with an intensity I had never expected. I craved every fiber of your being, my need becoming pervasive. You took off my shirt and every time your lips left mine, my longing for you amplified. The hardness between my legs raged and you smiled coyly as your hand drifted down from my chest, found its way to my pants, and caressed the outline of my manifestation of lust.You seemed surprised at my reaction and the quickening of my breath.

I pulled you closer again, my lips traveling from your cheeks, down your neck, leaving trails of kisses and nibbles while breathing you in and undressing you. As my hands moved under your shirt and tried to lift it up, your body stiffened.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked, as you took a step away from me, lowering your gaze in sadness and shame. "No... I... still want this, but you need to know something first." you said in a timid tone. And then you told me about your markings. About how life hadn't been good to you from early on and how you hadn't been good to yourself as a result of that. About how you needed to subdue your emotional pain with a physical one, in order to not fall apart and lose your mind completely. About how these scars were written all over your body, monuments of your own failure, weakness and ugliness.

You slowly peeled off your shirt and my gaze shifted over your form, taking in all these lines and marks spread all over your body. Some crisscrossed, some lined up in almost perfect symmetry, some slightly raised, some sunken in like river beds where your pain had flown deeper. I looked at them and I perceived constellations born out of suffering and despair. I never believed that beauty could exist in self destruction. But there you were. Your eyes told stories of dangerous beginnings and lost endings, meanwhile your soul was radiating life nevertheless. Yes, you were beautiful to me. Even more so than before.

"I'm not used to being loved, wanted... everyone left, only pain ever stayed. And when they see me, all of me, they turn away and run..." you whispered sorrowfully. "So please, run now. No hard feelings. I'm used to it..." you faltered.

For a moment I was at a loss for words. Not because I thought you were weak or a failure, but I was shocked at the fact that life had been so cruel to you, that you had to unleash violence against yourself as a resolve to cope. That people had left you alone in and with your darkness. That the universe had gifted you this immense empathy, a shining star, but placed in the vicinity of all these black holes called despair, loneliness and loss.

You stood there looking at me, dripping with vulnerability. "I'm not telling you this to evoke pity, I'm telling you, so that you can understand, that you know what you've gotten yourself into... " Again, I shushed you with a kiss. As I grasped your face between my hands and looked you in your tearstained eyes, I promised that I wouldn't be going anywhere. Not tonight, not for as long as you needed me. And I meant it.

I slowly undressed you completely, wanting to see all of you, every single mark and bruise and sign of hurt life had left on your body. My fingertips traced over each scar, reading every little story they told, intrigued, like a blind man discovering his new favorite book. Silent tears fell from your cheeks and I kissed them away as we found our way to your bed.

Your wide, quiet eyes gazed up at me in disbelief, as if all of this was a mirage and not reality. I could feel your apprehension, your confusion, but also your need to give in. To let yourself fall into this experience, to claw at it so it would not disappear again, like so many things had before.

I removed the rest of my clothes and lay down next to you, my body yearning for you even more. We kissed and you held onto me as my hands caressed you, explored you, as my mouth followed my trail of touch, sealing your wounds with my lips. And finally, under my touch, you opened up like a flower, you started to believe that this here was reality. You radiated like the brightest stars, shining like Orion in the night sky watching over us through this window next to your bed. You were beautiful. You were everything. You were mine.

I worshiped you with deep desire, with pulsing lust swallowing me as I caressed and sucked on your breasts, savored your smell, tasted your sex. Your wetness drowned my thoughts, your cries of pleasure made me throb violently as I buried my tongue deep inside you. My thumb on your clit bringing you closer to ecstasy with every little movement. With flaming spasms erupting from your core and birdsong escaping from your mouth, you gushed over my tongue and I drank every last drop of your nectar. Your taste was irresistible, my new drug of choice, giving me a personal high from which I hoped to never come down.

You pulled me back up to face you, because you wanted to taste yourself on my lips. This set me over the edge. Your saliva and cum mixed with your moans in my mouth, your desire for more, the anticipation of finally being one with you was too much to withstand. My hunger reigned as I parted your legs with my hands and then slid myself between them.

With begging anticipation you guided me inside and your warmth and wetness swallowing me nearly made me lose my mind. I buried myself into you and then you tightened around me, wrapping me up while I was spreading you open. Your eyes searched for mine while your nails dug into my back and your legs pulled me even closer.

With slow movements in perfect unison our connection grew as we made love. Sinking deeper into each other's gaze, into each other's souls, we painted our names in each other's heart, each thrust a new brush stroke for every letter.

Encouraging whispers of worship escaped both our lips, and tears of overwhelming pleasure were streaming from your eyes as I emptied myself inside of you with a groan. You clenched hard as I filled you up and then screamed once more as you came for the second time.

Our movements slowly subsided, and I couldn't believe how beautiful you looked, sounded, felt and moved. How anyone had possessed the sheer insanity to abandon you, hurt you, lose you. You were mine, and I was yours. So it had been written now.

I collapsed on top of you, kissing you softly, our foreheads gently touching and resting on each other. You wanted me to stay inside and I was glad about that, because the thought of parting with you already seemed impossibly painful.

Your eyes were closed as we lay there, still unified, and there was this look on your face again. That silent processing that went on in your soul, you etching us into your core, this time paired with an angelic smile on your lips and a single joyful tear fighting its way through the crease of your eyelid. As I scooped it up with one finger and tasted it, you opened your eyes again. "Will you still be there in the morning?" you asked. I placed a kiss on your forehead. "Not only in the morning, love. For as long as you want me to."

And I was. I knew you were afraid of me not keeping my promise, but I did. I always did, because I am a man of my words and I was deeply in love with you.

I was there in the times you were overflowing with joy for what seemed like the first times in years. These were my favorite moments, seeing you happy, elated, almost carefree, simply due to one tiny, seemingly trivial thing, like a cool breeze playing with your hair during one of our walks through the forest. Or seeing you with my dog and how obsessed and gentle you were with him that it almost made me feel jealous. Or the time you came home from work with the biggest smile and then told me how your favorite customer had voiced their appreciation for you and it had brightened your whole stressful day. And of course during the times we made love to each other.

But I was also there when your bed had become your casket for a week, because of all these dreadful ghosts and memories that haunted you. They caught up with you, had their clutches in you as they smothered you, choked you and whispered their vile swansong into your heart, lured you away from life and brought you closer to being dead to the world. I was there when you screamed at me that all you could do was just pretend to be alive in this all consuming darkness that the light will never reach, so what sense was there in anything. I was there when you sat violently sobbing on the bathroom floor with a knife in your hand, after I had just come home from work. Your gaze so far removed from this world, from me, that it scared me to death and I was afraid I might not be able to pull you back to the land of the living.

There were highs and there were lows. I guess that is what people call life, right?. Yes, there was life when we were together, for both of us. But there was death inside of you too. And he had no regard for our love or our future. He needed you to be only his, not mine. And who am I to compete with that?

I was still there, when you left me. When the melancholy and illness swallowed you entirely, and I wasn't able to convince you anymore that I still loved you with all of my heart, that there was more to us, to life, even after all the years we had spent together.

"It's not you, it's me. I don't deserve you. You deserve better than me". What a cliché. I was ready for a forever with you. But you lost yourself in the void, death as a new lover, laughing in my face. I could not save you. And in your eyes, you needed to save ME from yourself.

It has been months. I still can't sleep. I still think of you and always will. I'm still here. You aren't. I would have stayed, if you had let me. I would have saved you, if you had let me. You were worth it and nobody can tell me differently.

My gaze drifts to the window again. Whenever I look into the night sky now, Orion is spelling your name.