Under Your Skin

Acknowledgements

ElectricBlue66 approached me for advice about one of his stories and I was happy to help. What I didn't expect was to fall in love with one of his characters. With his kind permission, encouragement and sensitive editing, I've been able to write again after a very long time, using his character for my inspiration. It's been a joy, and I hope that comes across in the words below. Hannah and Jude are now part of my life's story.

You can find EB's novella, Songs of Seduction: Silk and Skin, here:

CHAPTER ONE

Hannah felt a little lost. The curator of the gallery, whom she'd met a day or two before, had been both charming and insistent that she should attend, but private views were new to her. She felt a bit of a fraud, because her clothes were mainstream and safe, though she always yearned for more. That's what had drawn her the gallery in the first place: she passed it every day on the way to work, but it was the current exhibition, with its splashes of gorgeous fabrics in the windows, that convinced her to explore.

She had the advantage of being taller than many women and scanned the faces in the crowd, until someone caught her eye and beckoned her over.

The friendly face was the curator, holding a raised palm to guide her through the crowd "Hi, thank you for coming, we really appreciate it", he beamed.

"Hello again! It's Sebastian isn't it? Thanks for your book suggestions the other day, I bought them both in the end. So... how's the show going? Lots of amazing people here... who clearly know far more about fashion than me, because I've worn totally the wrong thing.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she continued, turning to the young woman standing beside Sebastian and offering her hand. "I famously talk too much when I'm nervous. I'm Hannah."

As Hannah arrived with her flutter of energy, Sebastian's sister had taken the opportunity to appraise her. Hannah was indeed about the same height, with tumbling auburn hair held with a bohemian ribbon. She actually admired her choice of cheeky tailored jacket and short skirt, that cocked a snook at the older, fashionable elegance the show had attracted. Despite her nerves, Hannah had an openness in her face that held no secrets. If there were substance to her looks, she would be an easy person to like.

"Jude, I'm Jude," she replied with a smile. "Have you been offered a drink? Seb has a caterer doing the rounds." She poked her brother's arm.

"Do... do you both work here... or...? " Hannah looked from one to the other, and Sebastian replied.

"No, I'm the only one who's on official duty, Hannah. Jude's my sister, my lazy twin sister."

Jude grinned at the rebuttal, the poke back. Hannah could see the affection between them, but a brief puzzlement flickered in her mind. But then, Sebastian's attention was caught by another guest.

"I'm sorry. Duty calls, would you both excuse me for a minute?"

"Your brother's a bit of charmer isn't he?" Hannah smiled, turning back to Jude.

"He's kept quite busy. A trail of broken hearts of course, all the way back to kindergarten."

"Well, you've cornered that beauty gene between you, haven't you? Help me out Jude: I'm more science than arts and I feel an impostor amongst all these gorgeous dresses. I don't know where to begin."

"Well, like anything else, there's a language to fashion, especially Bonnard's work, which makes it baffling at first. Is it too many feels and you can't put words to your thoughts?" asked Jude, leaning in conspiratorially.

"Now that you mention it, yes that's about it," Hannah replied with a nod, drawn in closer.

"In that case, Hannah, allow me to guide you through a world of silk, sensuality and ..." Jude searched for the right word.

"Sex?" offered Hannah, turning a face of mock innocence to Jude, at which they both exploded in laughter, making heads turn their direction.

"Sophistication! Hannah, really! Is that your nervousness showing again?"

"It is. Would you mind tucking it in for me? Lead me on and tell me more. This is so kind of you."

They linked arms and chatted, noting the fashions on show outside the glass cases as much as Seb's beautifully arranged displays. After a few minutes and each now with a glass of wine, they arrived in front of a dress where Hannah's quiet gasp made Jude turn to her.

For once, Hannah did not look back, for her eyes were fixed on the cascade of ivory into crimsons before her.

Jude examined her new acquaintance a little more closely: the curve of her athletic neck, her glowing complexion and just the beginnings of lines at the corners of her eyes. A tiny glass rainbow swung excitedly from her earlobe, matching her pretty pendant hung from a snake necklace.

"How does it make you feel, Hannah?" Jude asked, continuing to steal more details from her face.

"A bit overwhelmed, actually," Hannah spoke quietly.

"Give me three words then. Close your eyes for a moment and feel for them."

A frown weighed on Hannah's face as she lowered her head and closed her eyes.

As she gazed at Hannah, Jude pictured her sleeping, saw the child from whom she'd grown, but saw a hurt in her too. She hid it well, but Jude sensed it and felt a surge of warmth towards her.

"Suffering, forgiveness... and desire. No, not desire -- I can't quite put my finger on it."

Hannah had opened her eyes and found Jude looking at her intently.

"Passion" they both said at the same moment.

Hannah's mouth hung open as the word left her lips. There was puzzlement in her face at the significance of the moment, of the word, of the sudden sense of familiarity she found in Jude.

Jude's eyes lingered as she turned her face to the display case.

"Interesting words. Wow. Where the hell did those come from, Hannah?"

"I'm sorry -- do you think that's pretentious nonsense? I feel a little foolish saying it."

"No, no. Not at all. You're right. Did you know Bonnard named this dress Red Resurrection? Have you read up on his work?"

"Um, no," said Hannah, feeling awkward. "I just did what you suggested and those were the that tumbled out."

"Aha! I thought I might find you here." Sebastian's voice broke the spell. "Listen Hannah, we're moving next door to the bistro in a little while. Why not join us?" Seb glanced to read Jude's face, but he already knew she agreed.

"Yes, you must Hannah, please," insisted Jude, taking Hannah's arm again to pull her closer. "Hannah claims to be a scientist, but her soul is lost in art. It's ok Hannah, I'll chaperone you from my insatiable brother."

"Great. Look, folks are starting to wander off, so I'll see you next door, once I've closed up. Fran and Bonnard are already over there I think."

'It's not the brother you need worry about, Hannah.' Seb thought, as he weaved through the groups and nodded back to parting waves.

Hannah and Jude made their way arm in arm through the remaining guests, down the stairs into the lobby, where Jude stop abruptly, making Hannah stumble. Hannah followed her eyes to see what had startled Jude outside the wide glass doors, but there was no one there -- it was as though she'd seen a ghost.

"What is it, Jude," laughed Hannah. "Someone unwelcome?"

In response, Jude took both Hannah's hands and walked her backwards away from the glass doors. Confused, Hannah said nothing but was becoming increasingly concerned by the panic in the other's face. Jude was breathing hard, deliberately through her nose then out her mouth as though she were inflating a paper bag.

"Is there something I can do, Jude? Jude, look at me, I'm here -- you're not alone."

"It's nothing... sorry... it'll pass in a moment," Jude managed to say between breaths.

"Well it clearly is something, Jude. Come and sit down here. I won't leave you, it's ok, there's no rush. Take your time."

Hannah sat alongside her on a bench away from the other departing guests, whose voices seemed suddenly loud and intrusive in the steel and glass of the reception area. Jude hung her head, leaning forward to hug herself, while Hannah placed a hand on the small of her back. After what was less than a minute, but felt like an hour to Jude, she found her voice.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," she snapped at the words in exasperation.

Hannah said nothing and hoped that her presence was helping. She couldn't help but feel the heat of Jude's body through her silk dress that mapped every contour of her spine.

With a shake in her voice, she went on "I'm sorry Hannah, you must think I'm a weirdo. Shit -- I'm like the person you don't want next to you on a bus."

"No," said Hannah quietly after a pause. "I'd still be pretty chuffed if you sat next to me. Can I get you anything? Water?"

Jude shook her head, patting away the suggestion with a hand.

"Jack Daniels? Vodka? Crack? I know of some people down town who have contacts."

"Fuck, that would be a sight. Sorry, I owe you an explanation," said Jude, to which Hannah simply replied with a small shake of her head.

"It's not a biggy, but every now and again I get a panic attack -- it's a kind of agoraphobia but not like an open-spaces thing. It's the difference in the air, inside to outside, so going outside sometimes feels like falling and it freaks me out. Well that and a few other stupid random things."

"Doesn't sound stupid to me at all, Jude. Do you have a fallback plan -- is there something I can do to help?"

At that moment Sebastian, came bounding down the stairs having noticed them. Jude looked up with a 'we need help here' face and he immediately hunkered down in front of his sister.

"Come here, come here. I've got you," he cooed and pulled Jude forward into his shoulders, rubbing her back with his hand.

"I'm sorry Seb, I'm sorry," Jude wailed into her brother's embrace.

"I didn't know what to do, Sebastian, I'm sorry," said Hannah, reaching forward to touch his arm. "It happened so quickly."

He wrinkled his nose to her as if to say 'don't worry'.

"I'm fine now -- it was just a moment, Seb," said Jude and she eased herself away from his embrace.

"But I suspect our new friend thinks I'm a nutter." She reached a hand across to Hannah, who squeezed it tightly back, with a smile.

"I'm no stranger to panic attacks, Jude. It's a shitty thing. We can meet up another time if you like."

"No, no, I'm good. Seriously. We must go over to the bistro -- it's important to Seb, well, to both of us really."

"I've got my car round the corner, Jude. I could bring it to the front and run you home if you'd like. I've got no other plans, so we could finish the party there while Sebastian sees to his guests."

Sebastian looked into his sister's face and gave her a nod, then turned to Hannah.

"That's really kind of you, Hannah. It's your call, sis -- this is just business next door and there'll be other shows."

Jude nodded in resignation and trace of annoyance at herself.

"I'll literally be two minutes," Hannah toned as she rose and slung her bag over her shoulder. She stopped at the door and turned to them both, "I was joking about the crack, but have you at least got fruity teas at yours?"

Sebastian laughed "We've got a library of teas at home!"

Hannah rolled her fingers in a wave and was gone.

*****

"This is amazing, Jude. Colour me gob-smacked. I assume those are prints and not the real thing?" Hannah had stopped in the open hallway and turned about to take in everything.

Jude's mood had completely changed once they were driving home, as though a weight was lifted from her shoulders.

"No, they're originals. We collect, when we can. Lets raid the fridge, Hannah. Have you eaten at all?" said Jude raising her voice as she disappeared towards the kitchen. Hannah was slow to follow her in, admiring the elegance and style of the house, so when she found the kitchen, Jude was already lifting out some trays from the double-door fridge.

"Wow, that fridge looks like it's off a 1950's car. Here, let me help you with that."

"Grigio or we've got a Merlot open, Hannah? Seb, always over-orders for the private views and puts it through the books. It's feast or famine in the arts world."

The two girls took their feast to the lounge, swinging their legs up to face each other on the sofa. They munched happily on the treats for a while, and then, as Jude leaned forward to top up her glass, Hannah asked "So come on Jude, tell me: are you are a Lifer or a learner?"

Jude paused, hugging the bottle to her chest as she tried to unpack the question.

"Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?" asked Jude with a trace of suspicion.

"I mean," said Hannah, spelling it out. "Have you always known or did you figure it out later?"

"Meaning...?"

"Being transgender. My trans radar lit up the moment I saw you, then Sebastian dropped the twins bomb and I was certain. I hope you don't mind, with me, I mean? You know I'm trans too, right?"

Jude said nothing.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry -- you didn't. God, you know how to make a girl feel good about herself."

Jude remained silent.

Hannah sat upright and made a playful show of offering her hand.

"Jude, 'hello', I'm Hannah and I'm as trans as fuck. You are totally gorgeous, I hate you because I am jealous of you genes and bone structure and now that that's out of the way, shall I get my car keys or can we complete the journey to being best mates?"

The continuing silence was broken only by a distant noise from the kitchen and for a moment Hannah was terrified her big mouth had blown it again, just as it had when she'd asked a former employer if he had a boyfriend.

"You really do motor mouth when you're nervous, huh?" replied Jude, looking Hannah straight in the eye. The colour shrank from Hannah's face as she was suddenly chilled in horror.

"Oh. Fuck. I am so sorry," Hannah replied, setting down her glass, just as Jude threw her head back in a series of hooting laughs.

"Your face! Oh, that was priceless, Hannah! Got you! I got you properly didn't I?" crowed Jude, now crawling up Hannah's bare legs, so that they were face to face.

"Why are you nervous, Hannah?"

Still thrown by Jude's mischief, Hannah shrank back, holding up her hands like a startled meerkat.

"Why are you nervous?" Jude repeated more softly.

"Because," stammered Hannah. "Because you're so fucking gorgeous and unless I threw myself at you, I didn't think I had a chance, but you've probably got a dazzling boyfriend, with bedroom eyes, who never gets cress in his teeth and takes his socks off before his trousers. That kinda nervous."

Jude rested her weight on Hannah's torso and leaned her head on her palm, just inches from Hannah's face, like a cat waiting for a mouse to move.

"Is this happening?" asked Hannah. Jude gave a little nod and leaned in to Hannah's ear to whisper, "It seems to be that way."

Jude let the silence grow like a blanket spread over them: her nose just touching the other girl's ear, until finally she ended their agony, by pouting her lips to kiss its lobe.

Instead of melting to her advances, she was surprised Hannah didn't turn her face to her as she'd anticipated.

"Too fast?" asked Jude softy, tilting her head to try to make eye contact.

Hannah nodded and shuffled herself up the cushions "I'm sorry, it's my turn to be weird, Jude."

Jude was piqued by her reaction, and a little surprised, but instead rolled herself upright to sit alongside her to stroke her bare legs with a hand, in the peaceful quiet of the house.

"Smooth me," Hannah intoned quietly and Jude looked up.

"It's what I used to ask my elder sister to do: smooth me Ellie, smooth me, and she'd stroke me like that."

The two girls sat in comfortable silence, one stroking, the other with closed eyes. There was only their quiet breathing in the room. Finally Hannah broke the silence with a quiver in her voice.

"It's just that... I sense this is going to be serious... between us, I mean... and I'm frightened by the emotions I have inside. Is this a serious thing for you Jude? I trust you, probably too much already, given we only met a couple of hours ago and I don't want either of us to be hurt... but mostly me I suppose. Is that a selfish thing to say?"

Jude had let her hand come to a rest low on Hannah's thigh and they both felt the heat of that contact.

"Shall we just see where it leads us, Hannah? I don't think either of us should make promises neither of us can begin to get a handle on right now."

"I can feel your intensity Jude. You kinda glow like ... I dunno, like embers in a fire, waiting to burst into flame."

"I won't burn you, Hannah."

Hannah put her hand over Jude's, their hands turned palm to palm and fingers entwined, gripped and they found themselves looking eye to eye - Jude's hazel to Hannah's blue. Hannah pulled the hands towards her and Jude followed, letting the other girl run her fingers into her hair behind her ear. Jude watched as Hannah closed her eyes and finally, slowly their cheeks brushed against each other, noses gently explored, until their lips met and the slightest pressure from Hannah pulled them into a kiss.

At length, their lips parted and their out of focus eyes, from too close faces, blinked. Their mouths shared the same sweet air and a second kiss followed, with the same slow gentleness. Jude wriggled herself round to lie back against Hannah's chest. No words were needed: hands smoothed bare arms and fingers played church and steeple.

In the growing evening darkness of the room and with the softest whisper, Hannah broke the silence, "This is perfect."

Jude nodded and reached a hand back to Hannah's face, who ceremoniously kissed each finger in turn.

Jude spoke next, her voice thick and sleepy, "Stay"

Hannah nodded. "I'd like that."

*****

Jude led Hannah to her own bedroom and soon found some pajamas for her. She seemed exhausted, although she'd only had a couple of glasses of wine She accepted the offered toothbrush and make-up remover with small "Thank you"s.

Jude had lit both bedside lights and soon had her friend tucked up under the duvet in a way that made her feel quite motherly.

"I'm sorry, Jude -- it's been a long day. I've been up since six with work and I'm a wuss when it comes to wine."

"Don't worry, sleepy head. I'm so pleased to have someone for a sleepover. I haven't done it for a very long time."

"Me too. Are you not coming to bed too?"

"No, not yet. I'll wait up for Seb and see how his big night went. We can all have breakfast in the morning. I assume you don't need to dash off anywhere?"

Hannah shook head with closed eyes. "He won't mind will he? Sebastian?"

"He'll be delighted too. And call him Seb or you'll sound like a stranger. Would you like me to read you a story Hannah?"

There was a pause and Hannah opened an eye, "Jude? Fuck off!"

They both smiled.

"Sweet dreams. Anything else I you need? Glass of water? Line of coke?"

Hannah made a lazy, sleepy smile.

"'O gentle sleep. Nature's soft nurse, how have I frighted thee, That thou no more wilt weigh my eyelids down.... '" began Jude then Hannah interrupted,

"'...And steep my senses in forgetfulness? Why rather, sleep, thou liest in smoky cribs,' something something, something .... I forget the rest. Did you do Henry for GCSE too?"

"Uh-huh"

"Jude -- we're going to have so much fun. Night, night."

Jude reached over and switched off the lamp. She gazed at her new friend and felt so blessed, so lucky. She leant down to kiss her hair, but Hannah was already asleep.

As if on cue, she heard the lock turn on the front door and she padded quietly to the bedroom door and pulled it silently closed behind her, then did a fist pump and a little dance on the spot.