Understanding Sonia

"Sonia, I had no idea."

"But here's the clincher, Archie. Do you know what Borderline Personality Disorder is?"

"Never heard of it, but is it like bipolar or something."

"Worse, and I would trade everything I have and can do, except you, to be rid of it."

I looked at that beautiful face and, even though I didn't understand all of what she'd said, I was beginning to understand a little more.

"Look it up and read about it," she said and closed her eyes. "If you want to forget about me and go another direction, just say so, and I'll understand. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened."

"Do you want me to go another direction?"

"That's not a fair question because you haven't read about it yet."

"It is a fair question, and I want to know the answer."

I thought she might be ready to cry again, but she didn't.

"No, I don't," she said quietly.

"Then I won't, no matter what."

She looked at me, those big blue eyes nearly melting my heart once again.

"In that case, you have to realize that I do things sometimes that I don't understand. They're totally out of character if there is such a thing. And after I do them, I wish I hadn't, but it's too late then."

"I guess I need to learn, and I'm counting on you to help that happen."

"I just don't want to lose you." She was clinging tightly to my hand.

I had some reading to do, but I could tell this "fear of losing me" was a big part of what I was about to learn. I was anxious to find out about the rest of it.

"This is awkward, but let me say it anyway. If I could have my druthers, I'd have you move in with me, not so that I could, well, you know, but just so I could be with you as much as possible and learn about what's going on with you." I received a tiny smile.

"If I were me, that might happen. But I'm not me. I'm what's been installed in me by my father and mother, and that's nearly obliterated the real Sonia. I left England to be with Martina and hopefully recover who I am. So, some things, like being a virgin, are very important to me because it's been drummed into me for as long as I can remember. I don't know how many times I've heard my father say that the "wedding bed sheets should be stained with blood.' Maybe I should rebel and just..." She paused, and her cheeks turned very red.

"I don't think you need to do that," I ventured, not sure how to respond to what she'd almost said.

She seemed to grit her teeth. "And I won't," she said decisively. She finished the last bite of her Apple Pecan salad, and held out her hand. "Can you stay with me until, well, until it's time for you to leave?"

"Sonia, you know I'll do that, or at least you should. And, if you wanted, I would spend the entire night with you." Her eyes widened. "And, I could sleep with you without touching you." That would be as difficult as anything I'd ever done, but it was Sonia, and that made it possible.

"That would be a lot of trust," she said quietly. "You're a very fit man, you know. I'd have to trust myself as well."

It wasn't till later that I found out what being a fit man meant to her.

We went to her place and talked a lot more. She played the piano and sang for me, apologizing afterward that she did it so poorly. I was totally enthralled by both as she played so easily and sang so beautifully, just another pair of talents from this multi-talented lady.

At midnight, I suggested I could leave, or I could stay the night. I was slightly surprised that she seemed to be debating about how to answer.

"Perhaps it's my father speaking," she said, "but it's been far less than two weeks, and, even if, well, nothing happened..." Her voice trailed off.

"Okay, but do I get a special sendoff?"

She smiled, and our lips met, hers pressing hard against mine until I pulled her lower lips into my mouth and touched it with my tongue, accompanied by a soft moan from Sonia. She pulled away.

"Archie."

"I'm sorry, I just--"

"--Don't apologize for doing something very natural," she interrupted. "It was, well, wonderful. I'll ring you in the morning when I'm up and dressed."

I smiled, probably a suggestive smile.

"Men are so bloody predictable," she said and led me to the door.

Another warm kiss, and I was on my way.

***

I was up until three, reading and trying to digest what I had read. It wasn't easy reading, particularly since I could relate at least a part of it to Sonia. According to what I was reading, there are nine signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, and a person needs to have five of them to be considered a victim of the disorder. All of them sounded scary. And I wondered how many of them were a part of Sonia.

My phone sounded at a little after eight, rousing me from a very sound but troubled sleep. An unpleasant dream of me suffering from BPD and inflicting the symptoms on Sonia had me feeling depressed as I answered the phone. The sound of her voice swept away those thoughts.

"Hi," I answered sleepily.

"I woke you, didn't I?"

I chuckled. "Something had to."

"Do you want to come over?"

"I do, Sonia, very much so."

"Oh good," she said, sounding almost relieved.

I bit my lip, recognizing the brief exchange and a couple of earlier ones as well.

"Give me twenty minutes,"

"I'll be here."

We had a great day together, and I told her about what I had read. She asked about my reaction, and I explained that it had just made me want to be with her and understand her even more. I could tell she had some doubts, probably fueled by her experiences with other men. I offered to spend the night again, but she was reluctant, and I guessed she might be more concerned about her reaction than mine.

We met at school on Monday, had lunch together, and realized that we needed to study If we wanted to stay in school. When we were together, even though we vowed to only study, it just didn't work. We limited ourselves to an hour an evening, which always turned into an hour and a half. Saturday was a day we'd spend together.

It was nine o'clock when I parked in front of her building and knocked on her door. She let me in and hurried to the kitchen.

"Fixing breakfast," she called over her shoulder, maybe explaining the absence of the kiss I had expected. I began wandering around the apartment, just looking at things. In the eating area, there was a small buffet with little carved figures sitting around on it, rather randomly placed. My symmetrically synced brain forced me to rearrange them in neat groupings and...

"What are you doing?" Sonia's voice was very sharp with an accusatory sound.

"Just rearranging these a little," I said, wary of what might be happening.

"You don't think I'm capable of arranging my own apartment? Do you want to change the furniture too? How about my kitchen cabinets or my closet? They may not suit your taste either." Hands on hips, she was an intimidating figure.

"Sonia, don't be silly; it was just..."

"So, now I"m silly too. What else is wrong with me, Arch? Go ahead, tell me."

"Sonia, there's nothing wrong with you."

"I can't arrange my apartment properly, and I'm silly, and who knows what other faults you might find with me. If I'm so bad, why don't you just leave?"

"I don't want to leave; I came here to be with you." A part of me knew what was happening, but the rest of me was having trouble accepting it.

Sonia turned and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. I followed quickly and tapped on the door.

"Sonia, if you won't let me in, at least come out, and we can talk about this." Whatever "this" was.

No answer from the closed door.

"I'll just sit here and wait then."

"You're not Grampy Paul, so go away.".

"Sonia."

"Go away."

Reluctantly I stood and left, the morning not going the way I hoped it would. It was to be the beginning of our weekend together, but it had gone dreadfully wrong. I drove home slowly, determined to do more reading about BPD, and hoping that might console me.

I read, paced, and banged the wall several times, careful not to punch a hole in it, although that's what I felt I'd like to do. I went to McDonald's for lunch, then to the men's gym at school to play a little basketball, trying to drain the excess energy that had been building since I'd left Sonia's.

The reading told me that this was to be expected. I guess the fact that it was the first time I'd seen it made it more difficult to accept. I wondered what would happen next and how long would it take to happen.

At a little before six that evening, I got my answer. It was Sonia calling.

I answered and could see a face that had clearly been crying.

"Hi," I said, not sure how to act and hoping she'd help me.

"Hi. I...I'm sorry. If you decide to...well...stay around, you may need to get used to hearing that."

"At least the staying around is a sure thing, Sonia."

"I mean, I wouldn't blame you at all--"

I interrupted. "--no more talk of that. I'm here, and I'm going to stay here, no matter what."

"'No matter what' covers a lot of territory, Arch."

"I suppose it does, but I meant what I said."

There was a pause, and I could see her nibbling her lower lip.

"I've decided something," she said quietly.

"Oh?"

"Would you consider coming back here this evening?"

"Will take me ten minutes to get there."

"Bring a pair of pajamas," she said, the blue eyes looking right at me from the phone.

My mind was racing as I processed what she'd said. Did she mean simply that I was going to spend the night, or should I take it literally and bring a pair of pajamas. Was that her way of telling me we wouldn't be sleeping together nude? I decided that was probably it.

"I actually have a pair, and I hope they still fit," I responded.

"If they don't, you'll have to wear a pair of my sweat pants and shirt."

That certainly solidified the answer.

As I drove the short distance to her house, something filled my mind that probably had no business there. I remembered things from wedding vows I'd heard at family and friends' ceremonies. "For better or for worse. In sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer." We weren't about to get married, and no one had even mentioned the "L" word yet, but all those words seemed to apply if I was going to dedicate myself to Sonia. There were nine things on that list I'd just reviewed, and I knew that at least five of them had to apply to Sonia. How much would the struggle increase if all nine of them applied?

I knocked on her door, pajamas under my arm, and waited.

The door opened quickly to reveal a very questioning look from the beautiful blonde.

"May I get a hug?" She spoke very quietly.

"You're going to get more than one," I said, but only if I can get a kiss."

Our lips met, and our arms went around each other, squeezing hard. When I pulled her lower lip into my mouth and caressed it with my tongue, she surprised me; her tongue found its way between my lips, pressing against mine. The sound I heard was unexpected and came from somewhere within me. I pulled my head away before I did something I'd regret.

Sonia began squeezing me so hard I had to strain to get a breath. She turned me loose but held me with her eyes.

"How do you put up with this crazy English woman?"

I so wanted to use the "L" word but was afraid of her reaction. There was plenty of time.

"I don't have a choice," I answered. "You're the only English woman I know."

"Then stay here with me."

Somehow I heard that simple statement in two parts. First, she was asking me again to spend the night with her. But the second was a silent plea to not abandon her. So much more to learn and understand, and I prayed for wisdom and patience.

"I brought my pajamas," I said, answering the first part of her plea.

Sonia smiled. "You're very brave. And I hope something else as well."

"Have you planned a full evening for us?"

"Pink Panther," she replied.

I knew of the Pink Panther movies--my parents loved them, but I'd never seen one. It would be light and funny and might make things easier for me (and her?) to handle. I hoped so since being with the tall blonde filled my mind with things I was anxious to do.

Sonia had chips, dip, soft drinks, and, of course, wine, which we would have to handle extra carefully. As far as I was concerned, this should be as near-perfect an evening as I could imagine. However, I'd already learned that she could be full of surprises.

The table in front of the couch was soon full of treats, we'd settled comfortably, and the TV was alive with Inspector Jacque Clouseau and his shenanigans. We laughed, nibbled, laughed some more, and Sonia poured two glasses of wine. Now we laughed and sipped and probably relaxed a little since the wine glasses were actually tumblers.

When Sonia finished her second glass of wine, she snuggled against me, her head on my chest.

"This is a funny movie," she said, her words the tiniest bit slurred and her hand resting on my thigh--high on my thigh. Of course, this left my head resting against the wonderful aroma of her shampoo, and when she turned her head to look at me, a kiss was inevitable. I was about to nibble on her lower lip when her tongue was dancing with mine, and I was on my back, Sonia on top of me, her lips pressing hard against me, her tongue frantically probing. Suddenly she raised her head.

"What do you want?" she asked, catching me totally off guard.

"Sonia, what--"

She interrupted. "--do you want these?" She lifted her sweatshirt and displayed two large and perfectly shaped breasts.

Did I want those glorious orbs in my hands, in my mouth, pressed against my chest? But should I have them? The answer to the first question was simple; the answer to the second more difficult.

Sonia was struggling against my hold, and before I knew it, her breasts were pressed against my face, her arms around my head, squeezing it against her. They were delicious, but I had to get it stopped.

I pried her arms away from my head and her off me. Her face changed in an instant.

"See, you don't want to be with me." She tried to pull away, but I had her arms and decided it was time.

"Sonia, stop squirming and listen to me." She finally stopped and looked at me warily. "I'm falling in love with you, and I'd like to be with you every second of every day...for the rest of my life." I'd said it, and I meant it. She immediately challenged me.

"Do you mean that?" The look on her face was anything but challenging, though.

My smile formed slowly.

"You know I do." I hoped she did.

"Arch, you're so different from any bloke I've ever known. I'm still a little fuzzy from the wine, but I'm falling for you too, in love, I mean. It's just, oh God, just hug me."

I hugged her hard.

"You want to know something else?"

"What?" she asked innocently, looking at me.

"Those are fantastic boobs."

Her eyes closed as her cheeks began turning red. She bit her lower lip.

"Would you fancy seeing them again?"

It seemed the wine had her reverting to her English roots, and yes, I fancied seeing them again. But maybe a change of pace was needed.

"How about we finish the movie, and when we go to bed, a little peek?"

"The movie's over. Ready to go to bed."

"Oh," I answered, glancing at the blank TV screen. "Ready then."

As we headed to the bedroom, I had a serious talk with myself. The two breasts I had seen were a little beyond what I had imagined, and I suspected the rest of her might be the same. I had to be able to contain myself. I told myself that if I really loved her, I could and would do it.

Thankfully, she changed in the bathroom, and I pulled on my pajamas in the bedroom. When she came to join me, as I had guessed, she had on a pair of short pajama pants, and that was all. It was a little bit more than a peek. At least I could see she had the top in her hand. She stood there smiling at me for five seconds, then slipped the top over her head.

"Let's get in bed," Sonia said, pulling back the covers and climbing in.

She was lying with her back toward me. Despite it possibly being the wiser choice, I didn't come to her place to sleep back to back. So, I climbed in and cuddled against her, and with her height, we fit together nearly perfectly. I carefully wrapped my arms around her waist, perfectly content with what was happening. She took hold of my wrist, lifted her shirt, and slid my arm under the thin material, pressing my hand against her warm and very soft breast. My contentment increased by about one thousand percent.

Once my hand closed on that smooth flesh, I knew what would happen--and it did. I slid my hips back a couple of inches so I wasn't pressing it against her. She moved her hips so they were pressing against me once more. I moved...and she moved.

"You're touching me; I should be able to touch you," she whispered, pressing against me. "Now go to sleep."

After running through at least two hundred fantasies, I did just that.

Sometime during the night, I awakened, the result of the wine I'd had earlier. We were still in the same position, and I was willing to endure a little discomfort to leave my hand on her breast. At last, not needing an unpleasant accident, I headed to the bathroom. Feeling much better when I returned, I found Sonia sitting on the edge of the bed.

"My turn."

When she returned, she lay down right where she'd been and lifted the hem of her top. I resumed my position, and when I put my hand where it had been, a very erect and hard nipple pressed against my palm. She might be a virgin, but she wasn't immune to sexual feelings. Still, the very first personal thing I had learned about her was that she was a virgin. Its importance wasn't lost on me.

When I awoke again, I felt very rested. Sleeping with Sonia obviously agreed with me. It wasn't long before she was awake too.

"Morning mouth," she said as she turned to face me.

Before she could move, I let her know that MM wasn't an issue. Her lips seemed even warmer and softer in the morning. It was the perfect way to start our day.

***

I almost didn't answer my phone when I saw the strange number on the screen.

"Hello," I answered cautiously.

"Hello, and glad you answered. This is Martina; I stole your number from Sonia's phone."

"Nothing's wrong that I don't know about, I hope."

"No, no. I wondered, after the time you've spent with Sonia, if you have questions I might be able to help with?"

"You have to know that anyone who's around your sister has questions."

"That's why I called," she said, chuckling. "Why don't we meet and talk?"

"Sounds good to me."

Both of us were free, and we agreed to meet at Wendy's. I was ready with the first question.

"Haven't heard anything about you and Peter. Did you two get together?"

From the smile that crossed Martina's face and the rosiness that colored her cheeks, I decided that not only had they gotten together, but they had actually gotten together. No more questions regarding that.

"I did talk to Sonia yesterday, and she mentioned that you had said something very special to her."

"I told her I was falling in love with her and wanted to spend every moment with her I could...forever."

"That's quite a commitment, Archie. How much of Sonia have you actually seen?"

"I honestly don't know, Martina. Probably not much. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work."

"She's been with two or three blokes in the past, but each of them ran after one of her 'episodes.' She loves you, you know."

"She said that."

"Do you know anything about what her 'episodes' might be like or how many there might be?"

"Only from what I've seen, and that isn't much, I guess."

"Listen, I hope to love you as a brother-in-law one of these days, and if there's anything I can do to help that happen, please call on me."