Understanding Sonia

"Thank you," I replied.

We hugged and went our separate ways, and I wondered what might be in store for my future. It took ten days to find out.

I expected to meet Sonia in English class, but she wasn't there. I texted but received no answer, and after class, I called, but it went straight to voicemail. I debated about leaving school and going to find her but decided to give her time to, well, perhaps recover. After my Thermo class, I called again with the same result. I jumped in my car and headed to her apartment.

I knocked, ready with my questions.

"Go away."

"Sonia, it's me. Open the door."

"Go away."

"I love you. Let me in, and we can talk about it."

"No. Just go away and leave me alone."

"Sonia."

No reply.

"Okay then, I'll just sit here by your door until you open it."

"No, just go away."

I sat down and wondered. How long would this last? Was it a simple one hour of sitting by her door, or was it to be two or three days of torment and uncertainty? Maybe one more try.

"Sonia, open the door and let me in. I won't say a word and won't touch you. That's all I'm asking."

When I finished, there was no "go away," just continued silence. I wasn't sure what to do next when I heard the door unlatch but remain closed. I stood and slowly opened the door, stepping into the dark apartment. I was silent, felt my way to a chair, and sat down to wait. I held my breath in an effort to hear her breathing, unsuccessfully, but as my eyes became used to the near-darkness, I finally spotted her huddled on the couch.

I yearned to run to her and hold her, telling her how much I loved her and how I could make everything okay. Instead, I sat quietly, watching the couch and waiting for some movement. This was going to be a test of my patience, my resolve, and my love of this beautiful but vulnerable woman.

It was two hours before I saw her move, saw her stand, and saw her walk toward me. She stopped three feet away.

"How can you not hate me?" she said, sincerity in her voice. "I hate myself."

"I suspect you just don't understand yourself, Sonia."

"Do you understand me?"

"I'm learning a little each day. And loving you helps me learn."

"You keep saying that, but sometimes it's hard for me to believe it's true."

"I think that's probably true, Sonia, but what you believe doesn't make it true or not true."

"I think you're just trying to confuse me, and that's really easy to do right now. Why don't you just leave and give me time to think."

"You can think all you want, but I'll just stay here in the chair and won't say another word unless you ask me to."

Playing this kind of thing by ear was totally new to me, and I had no idea what I should be doing. The simple fact was that I loved her and wanted to be with her. I watched her return to the couch and sit down, not arguing about my staying there. I felt relieved since, had she asked me to leave, I'm not sure I could have done it.

It was forty-five minutes this time before she stood and walked to my chair, looking down at me. With a smile, I held out my arms, and Sonia lowered herself to my lap. We spent another thirty minutes in silence, holding each other. I'd found out a little more about Sonia and the things that helped define her and wondered how many more there might be.

***

The winter's cold had passed, and the days were much warmer, and we were enjoying being able to spend more time outdoors. There had been both up and down days during winter, and I was getting much better able to handle them and understand that they were simply passing episodes and, at least for me, much more easily endured. I knew that BPD was a personality disorder and was always with her--it just seemed to manifest itself more pointedly on certain occasions. Sonia had more difficultly as, afterward, she always felt guilty for putting me through them. I think she was understanding now how deep my love for her was and was much better able to handle her guilt. Plus, I was constantly assuring her that, over time, it would get much better, and there'd be fewer episodes. At least that's what I'd read.

In the spring, she had a Shakespeare course, and I wondered if I couldn't arrange something. We'd gotten friendly with several of her classmates and spent a lot of time with them, even though "Engineer Archie" felt a little out of place. Sometimes though, I was able to entertain them with some science-y things.

On the sly, I talked with her professor, a wonderfully cooperative lady who seemed more excited than I did about what I had planned. On the fateful day, I dawdled about, making Sonia a tiny bit late for class, but giving the professor a couple of minutes to take care of her part of the plan.

Near the end of the period, I knocked on the classroom door and stuck my head inside.

"Sir, this had better be important for you to interrupt the class." The professor sounded very stern and ready to thrash me.

"It is, it really is." I came inside and started toward Sonia.

"Archie, my God, what's wrong?" She had a panicked look on her face.

"I'm about to take care of what's wrong," I said, kneeling in front of her chair.

Her eyes were wide, her mouth open as she looked from face to face in the room.

"Look at me because I'm the one who loves you and wants to spend his life with you. Sonia, will you marry me?"

She was breathing so hard, I was afraid she might pass out, but that didn't keep her arms from going around my neck as she said, "I don't know why you want me, but yes, I'll marry you."

Applause and cheering from the class as I winked a thank you to the professor.

"Better than Hamlet any day," her best friend called to more applause.

In the five minutes of the class still remaining, we were congratulated, hugged, and I got a special kiss from her best friend, who reddened my face when she said to Sonia, "He's gorgeous, and I couldn't resist kissing him." That was a first.

I'd made the commitment in my head, heart, and to her many months ago, but this was the final signing of the contract, and I was overjoyed that it was done.

Outside the room, Sonia called her sister.

"I'm engaged," she yelled at the phone, and the look of sheer joy that filled her face nearly brought tears to my eyes. It was a look I didn't see often enough, and I hoped that would be changing in the future.

***

I'd like to report that the engagement was the medicine that cured Sonia's BPD, but it wasn't going to be that simple. I think it helped, and we had great times together, including sleeping together more and more often with the emphasis on "sleeping." Preserving Sonia's virginity was getting to be more and more difficult, and several nights I had to jump up and get a drink of water in order to cool my passion. Remember that this was a gorgeous six-foot-tall blonde, with nearly perfect breasts and long, long legs, a little difficult to ignore when your heart is pounding, and your blood is ready to boil.

With summer and the warmer weather, Sonia's sleepwear grew skimpier with each passing day. Unfortunately, I was following her lead and trying to stay cool. Not surprisingly, our efforts to stay cool only succeeded in heating things up for both of us. Plus, if Sonia had a little extra to drink, it seemed as if it erased her sexual reticence, and she would "come on" to me, and we'd reverse roles with me fighting my very nature to help her keep what I knew in the morning would be as important to her as it had ever been.

We were working on planning our wedding, which would eliminate the issue. Our senior year had begun, and I was in my apartment working on a particularly tricky design problem when there was a knock on my door. I called for whoever it was to come in, not wanting to be distracted from my problem. When I did look up, Sonia was standing just inside the door, a somewhat blank look on her face.

"Hey babe, surprised to see you today." I was wary of the look but wasn't ready for what happened next.

I watched her pull the engagement ring off her finger and throw it at me.

"There," she said, "now you're free to find a woman you can be with for the rest of your life."

This was a more severe episode of things that had happened previously, and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it.

"I've found her already, Sonia."

"I can't allow you to have to put up with me, Archie. I'm going to leave; just forget about me."

I didn't say anything or follow her since I knew this would pass away as the others had done. When seven days had passed and she wouldn't respond to texts, phone calls, or my knocking on her door and pleading to the silence I found, I called Martina, and she was unaware of what was happening but said she'd find out for me.

It was another four days before I heard back from Martina, and she was not a bit encouraging. She told me that Sonia felt that I was the most perfect man alive, and she loved me so much that she wouldn't be a burden to me for the rest of my life. Martina also told me that she had something that might change things based on her conversations with her sister and that I should not be surprised at anything that might happen. Just go along with it, she added.

Martina didn't want to share anything additional until she knew a bit more, but I tried to listen to the words she didn't speak, and I heard optimism. I knew that's what I wanted to hear as the emptiness I was feeling was bordering on more than I could endure. I was sure I was "good" for Sonia, and we were making progress in our coping with BPD. I didn't want it to end.

I was moping about the apartment a few days later, hoping my roommate might stay among the missing as he always asked about Sonia, and that simple act was like driving a dagger into my gut when there was a knock at the door. My heart leaped as I hoped it might be what seemed to be beyond hope, but when I opened the door, it wasn't a blonde but a redhead that I saw. She motioned for me to step outside.

"Hi," she said with a big smile. "I'm Rochelle, a friend of Martina's, and she said she had warned you that something unusual might happen and to just go with it. I'm the unusual that's happening." Her giggle was captivating, as was everything else about her.

I wondered what this might be about and hoped I might find out quickly.

"Martina has told me about you and her sister and what's happened recently. She says that her sister is adamant about giving you your freedom so you can find somebody "worthy" of you. She says that Sonia still loves you, and she's counting on that for what we've cooked up." She put her hand on my arm and leaned in like she was whispering. "This is part of it; just go along with me, okay?"

Rochelle was different than Sonia for sure but equally as beautiful in her own way. I was a little wary of what might be going to happen.

"I've spent some time with Sonia and her sister, and I always told her that if she ever got tired of you to let me know and I'd "jump your bones" before she'd finished saying it. I was trying to make her feel good about herself and...now I'm blushing, and I'm not here to "jump your bones."

I knew that getting my bones jumped by this beautiful redhead wouldn't be a bad thing, but at the moment, I was much more concerned about Sonia. Evidently, though, I had some look on my face that had her blushing even more.

"I'm sorry," I finally got out. "Didn't mean to make you feel self-conscious since you're just trying to help."

"It's fine. But I wasn't kidding about what I said. I've seen you around with Sonia a few times and, while I want more than anything to get you two back together, it is nice to get to know you a little better."

"Back to business then. What's Martina's plan?"

When I'd finished asking that, she gave me a hard bump with her hip and laughed loudly.

"Figured it out yet," she asked, grabbing my hand.

The hip bang and the laugh caused a light to blink on.

"Jealousy?" I asked simply.

"Yep. Martina told her sister I'd said I was going straight to your place, with a couple of embellishments I'm too embarrassed to mention.

"But they should be here for it to work."

"Oh, they are, don't worry. Marina is making sure of that. I think we've done what we need to do, so stand straight and tall while I get on my tiptoes and give you a kiss."

I did as requested and received a little peck from Rochelle. Her last words were very loud.

"I'll call you, and we can get together later," she said, waving at me as she climbed into her Mercedes and zipped away.

This seemed like a desperate attempt by Martina to restore our relationship, and I prayed she knew Sonia's intricacies well enough that it would work. I wasn't brimming with confidence and was remembering the Mercedes driver who had just kissed me. I had settled down to one more lonely and desolate evening when there was a gentle knock on the apartment door. I knew Rochelle wouldn't knock that gently, but I had an idea who might. Heart pounding, I opened the door a crack and peeked out.

"I don't want to lose you," she said as quietly as she had knocked.

"You haven't," I assured her, opening the door wider.

"Is your roommate here?"

"He went home for the weekend. Come on in."

We stood awkwardly looking at each other until I decided there was only one thing to do and opened my arms to her. She smiled and quickly settled against me.

"This is what people who love each other do," I said, squeezing her.

"They do more than this."

We'd certainly done more than just hug or kiss on many occasions, but had been careful not to tread too close to the edge. I took special care when we went somewhere that Sonia would be drinking--I didn't drink, and it saved us more than once. I assumed that wedding plans would keep moving now that things seemed resolved.

"I love you so much," Sonia said, "but I still don't know how you put--"

My hand over her mouth cut off her speech.

"Here's the answer to all those questions, forever. I love you.

I knew that today she believed that with her whole heart, but I was sure there'd be days when I'd have to convince her one more time. But I was still thinking of what she'd said. They do more than this. Was she talking about more than the more we'd previously been doing? How was I to read that, or had I already exaggerated what she'd said? She was looking at me as though she knew what I was thinking.

"Arch, I'm sorry and thankful you love me the way you do." She was biting her lower lip. "Martina told me that when Rochelle found out I'd, well, what I'd done, she was anxious to take my place. She'd teased me before that she wanted to 'jump your bones.' When I tried to picture that, it crushed my heart." Her face had a look of sadness, but her eyes were full of a new fire.

I marveled at how well Martina knew her sister. But, even as I was thankful for that, I was puzzled by what I was seeing and what I thought I had heard.

"Sonia, what's happened? What have I missed?" A big smile crossed her face.

"My head was clear for a change, and I wanted you beyond anything I'd felt before. And driving over here just now, I realized something else."

I nodded, ready to hear what had suddenly changed.

"When we first started going out, do you remember me telling you I wasn't 'me,' I was what my parents had inserted in me. At home, I was rebellious, temperamental, and disruptive, just the opposite of Martina. And, of course, there was the BPD, which they never fully acknowledged, even though Father was a professor. He felt he was entitled to perfect children and wasn't willing to admit that wasn't the case.

"So, he stuffed me with values, lots of them that tortured me; they were so different from what I was meant to be. One, in particular, Arch. One, in particular." Now she was biting her lip in earnest. "I want to get rid of that one, Arch, so badly."

I think I was beginning to tremble as I realized what she was trying to say without saying it. It was the first thing I'd learned about her and been one of the controlling features of our relationship. Was she really ready to cast that aside and change what she was or, at least, what she had been? But standing here staring at those blue eyes, and at all the rest of her as well, I could feel my will beginning to waiver.

"Sonia, I don't know what...are you sure? I mean, well, you know." I received a big smile.

"I'm not going to let him win by making something happen that I don't want to happen. I mean, keeping something from happening that I want to happen. You love me and asked me to marry you. I love you and said yes, and soon we'll be married. It may seem like a small thing, but it's important to me."

"It's not a little thing, Sonia. It's huge. Tomorrow will come, and I don't want to, well, you know, make a mistake."

"Archer Doyle, if this day ends and I'm still a virgin, that will be the mistake."

Something occurred to me, not a small matter.

"Sonia, I don't have any kind of protection."

She stared at me, thinking.

"Arch, I know a little bit, and this is my safest time of the month. Plus, we'll be married soon and, well, I'd love to have our baby."

That sounded a little tenuous, and my brain was trying to rebel against the feelings that were tearing through my body. At this moment, though, it was as though my brain was fried and had no chance of winning the battle. It was as though two gates had been opened, and we were freed from the place that had constrained us for all this time. We leaped into each other's arms with a passion that had been held in check too long.

We kissed, a kiss like none before it, and I wanted my lips to taste every bit of the skin I had so longed for almost from the first day I had seen her. I ached to touch her, to caress her, to make every bit of her mine. Her lips were fire; her tongue felt red-hot as it touched mine. The sounds I was hearing were heating my blood, and her arms were squeezing me against her.

"Sonia, last time, are you sure?" I was so overwhelmed by passion I was surprised I was even slightly coherent.

Gasping, she said, "Archie, shut up and just tell me what to do."

I didn't need to tell her much as she was doing pretty well without my instruction. Her blouse was halfway off as I was struggling with my shirt. When I looked again, she was topless, her beautiful breasts bouncing as she fought with her pants. When mine were off, I looked, and for the first time, saw a totally nude Sonia.

My breath caught in my throat. I'd been with Sonia a long time now, but this was different. Stunning came nowhere near describing her. And, best of all, she wanted me. The problem, if you could call it that, was that this was a total surprise. I wasn't a virgin, but I'd never made love to a virgin either, and this one was treasured beyond anything I had ever imagined. I ached for this to be fantastic for her.

I knew that if I took her in my arms here, we'd never get out of the living room. Holding out my hand, I led the most beautiful woman in all of the world toward the bedroom. But she had her own thoughts.

"Stop," she said, "and turn around."

When I did, her eyes were fixed on my throbbing erection. Her hand moved tentatively until her fingers wrapped around it.

"It's so hot," she said, her hand moving gently, and I knew she had no idea I was working to keep my knees from buckling. She lifted her eyes to mine. "That feels good, doesn't it?" she added, reading my expression. Her hand moved a little faster, her eyes still locked with mine. I wanted to make this a great experience for her, but already, she had me ready to explode.

I grabbed hold of her wrist, which caused a sudden look of uncertainty to cross her face.

"Where did you learn how to drive me crazy?" I said, panting hard.