Vibrations

That little nagging voice in my head snickered at me for being the piece of shit that I was. For not being there when my family needed me...

"Do you want to talk to Audrey?" She asked.

I thought about it. "No. I want to grab some clothes and get on the road. Tell Audrey I'm on my way."

"Okay, Jakey..."

I started walking quickly to the bedroom, forgetting about the bloody, broken nose. Forgetting about the pain. Forgetting about Alyssa, who, incidentally, was still beating on the front door and screaming at the top of her lungs for me to let her back in, I noted as I stopped in the hallway for a quick second.

"Casey..." I tried to think about what to say... how does one thank a friend for stepping in and taking care of your family because you were too big a piece of shit to be there when you were needed? I settled for, "thank you."

"Please just hurry..."

"Okay."

With that, I hung up the phone. I grabbed my black backpack, the one I used for school, and dumped my books out on the bed. A book on Environmental Law flipped face up, reminding me of that failure...

I forced the thought out of my mind as I grabbed underwear, pants, socks and a couple of shirts and stuffed them in the bag. I ran back to the bathroom and grabbed my shaving kit, throwing in my toothbrush, toothpaste and razor. I shoved that into my bag too.

I nearly ran back to the bedroom, giving one final panicked glance around the room, trying desperately to figure out if there was anything else I needed to get on the road.

Fuck it. If I need anything else I can get it at a store when I get there... I thought wildly to myself, just desperately wanting to get on the road...

In all the excitement, I had forgotten that Alyssa was still outside. Still smashing on the door like a goddamn crazed gremlin, a gremlin that was also high on PCP.

I grabbed the handle and took a deep breath. I really didn't want to open that door. Like, really, really didn't want to open that door.

Briefly, I considered going back into the bathroom, opening the window and jumping from the second floor... the thought of doing so made me laugh a little.

Stop being a coward and just face this... I warned myself. Putting it off won't make it any easier...

I wrenched the door open and Alyssa recoiled back. She again, must have thought I had finally lost my temper and that I was going to hit her...

She really doesn't think much of me... The thought smashed home as I realized how little we truly understood each other.

Even after six months... she thought I was going to beat on her and I thought she was a reasonable, uncrazy person. For a split-second I felt regret smash through the corridors of my mind at the time I had wasted with her. Thinking on it, I realized that I had allowed myself to be paralyzed by fear and a deep-seated sense of sympathy. I had not broken things off with her because I knew she would take it hard, and somehow, it was just easier in my mind to suffer and let her go on her merry little way. I hadn't loved her, not really. I don't think she loved me either, we were both just too terrified to be alone and so we had clung to each other like two survivors at sea, feeling like it was better to be alone together than to face it, and be alone, alone.

Anger and sorrow fought each other for control of her face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you."

I pushed my way past her, just wanting to be rid of her, to get on the road and start off, to take the chance to be with my mom... who might very well be dying as I had this pointless conversation hundreds of miles away...

She grabbed my arm, as I closed the door, screaming at me, "Goddamn it! Talk to me!"

I whirled on her, "Enough. We're done." I told her, my hand slashing the air in front of me. "I'm sick of this bullshit. I've had enough. Go find whatever the fuck it is that's going to make you happy, but leave me the fuck out of it."

I watched as her sorrow turned to anger, as the worm turned in her mind, poisoning her thoughts.

I walked away from her before her rage could erupt again.

Three doors down the corridor a door opened and my landlady, Mrs. Epstein stepped out. I could see the disappointment painted on her face, plain as day.

She was a little old lady, sweet as could be. I really liked her and I was embarrassed at the fact that this had to play out in front of her...

She looked at me and the disapproval in her eyes sent a shiver of shame through my spine...

"Kids, enough is enough here... if you two have to fight constantly at least do your neighbors the courtesy of not letting it spill out into the hallway." She admonished me like a stern schoolteacher...

My eyes found the floor and I shook my head ruefully.

Leaving Alyssa standing there, her mouth flopping open and closed like a beached fish I walked up to my landlady. "Mrs. Epstein, I apologize. I'm sorry for the scene."

She shook her head at me, "Don't be sorry Jake... do something about it. Be better."

Sighing, I tried to explain to her. "I just got a call. My mom's in the hospital. I have to go home for a few days."

Her face instantly filled with concern, "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry..."

I shook my head at her, trying to let her know not to make a scene about it. Things like this always embarrassed me.

"Can you keep an eye on my place for me while I'm gone?" I asked. "I don't know how long it will be."

Alyssa's voice echoed from behind me, "What do you mean your mom's in the hospital?"

I sighed again, tilting my head back towards Alyssa. "This one is not welcome here anymore, but she's most likely going to have a hard time getting that into her skull."

Again, Alyssa's voice piped back up, "What the fuck does that mean?"

I closed my eyes and instinctively reached up to press on the bridge of my nose, only to be reminded of the broken nose...

I winced touching it, the pain rocketing through my face.

Mrs. Epstein's eyes narrowed in anger, her eyes flashing towards Alyssa. "Missy. Do I need to call the police to get you to leave?"

Fortunately, that shut her the fuck up...

Of course, if the cops showed up I most likely would be in a shitload of trouble too... I'm sure it would get twisted around. At the very least I'd end up tied up forever answering questions and it would put me on the road all that much later. I wanted very much to get moving...

I shook my head at her, "We're okay, she's leaving, and I'm fine, and I need to get on the road."

She clenched her jaw at me. "Okay, honey." Patting me on the arm she added, "If you need anything just call okay?"

I nodded weakly at her. "Thanks."

Alyssa followed me all the way to my truck. She would not shut the fuck up, and somehow, she got it into her head that I wanted her there...

I just ignored her, walked fast and tried to get her to finally fucking understand I had no desire for her to be there anymore. I just wanted her to walk away... how could she not get that? What did I need to do to be more clear?

See, that's the problem with being a doormat. People didn't understand what you are doing when you finally get up and shake the dirt off...

I had just thrown my bag into the bed of the pickup when she finally said "Just give me a couple days and I'll drive down and join you."

I spun around. "Are you fucking stupid?"

The venom in my voice surprised me.

Her face went wide in shock. "How dare you talk to me like that?"

I jabbed a finger towards my broken nose. "How dare I? Listen here, you crazy bitch. You broke my fucking nose. I've pretty clearly told you," I emphasized each word with a chop of my hands, "I. Don't. Want. You. Around. Me. Anymore. What do I have to do? Take out fucking billboard that says, 'Fuck off crazy bitch, I don't have time for any more insanity in my life!'?"

My jaw clenched and I could finally feel the anger rising up from within me. "We are done. Not with this conversation, not for right now. Forever. I don't want to see you ever again. How much clearer can I make that for you?"

Sadness welled up in her eyes as tears started to gather.

And now she's crying... Fuck! I thought to myself in exasperation.

"How can you be so mean to me?" She sobbed. "Just let me help, I just want to be there for you."

I held my hands up. I couldn't take it anymore. "Enough. I have to go."

Spinning away from her I opened the door to the cab of my truck...

"I know you're just upset Jakey," Alyssa said, "I'll call you tomorrow and you'll see, things will be all better."

I slammed the door. Hard. I couldn't take it anymore.

Starting the truck, I slammed it into gear and pulled out of the parking spot aggressively...

Chapter 2

I made it to the first stop light before I realized I was going to need gas...

My truck was nearly on empty and as I drove further and further towards home gas was going to do nothing but get harder to find and more and markedly more expensive.

Home. I thought as I drove. I hadn't thought of that place as home in four years... it was just a place that I had grown up. A place I had run from just as fast as I possibly could...

Now my mom was sick, and suddenly it was home? The thought didn't make sense to me.

Why is that place suddenly home? I thought to myself as I pulled into the gas station.

As I pumped my gas the people at the other pumps gave me strange looks, making me wonder why I suddenly felt like an absolute weirdo...

Getting back on the road, I realized that I still had blood stained toilet paper sticking out of both nostrils... I felt like an absolute weirdo, because I looked like an absolute weirdo...

I pulled them both out and threw them out the window, laughing at my own stupidity...

The thought occurred to me then, I was due at work in the morning...

I pulled my phone out and called my boss...

I worked as a legal clerk at a small law firm. It was low level work. Running down leads, looking up cases. Interviewing clients, and potential clients while I took notes. The pay was shit. The work was shit. My boss was a dick. It was still a paycheck though and as much as I hated it, I decide that it was probably not a good idea to dump gas over my entire life and set fire to it before I left town.

He picked up just as I started to hope that I was going to get lucky and the call was going to go to voicemail...

"Jake, I'm glad you called. We've got a problem. I need you to meet with Carey Larson in the morning-"

I cut him off, "I can't. I just got a call. My mom's in the hospital. I have to go back home for a few days."

The line went silent...

I started to wonder...

"Look. Jake, I can't give you any time off right now, we're in the middle of a big case here, I mean this could be a couple hundred thousand dollars' worth of lawsuit here. I mean I'd love to give you a couple of days off, and I'm sympathetic to your situation, but I'm in Tahoe and my wife would kill me if I broke away from this vacation..."

Are you fucking kidding me?

I sat for a minute, hoping against hope he would finally come to his senses and realize exactly what he had just said to me...

The line sat quiet...

Finally, I cleared my throat, "Maybe you don't understand what I'm saying... My mom is in the hospital. I don't know how serious it is. I'm not asking for time off. I'm telling you, I won't be there in the morning."

"Maybe you're not understanding what I'm saying..." He growled, "If you're not at work in the morning, you don't have a job anymore."

I frowned. Well, that sucks. Hey, at least I didn't like the job all that much...

"I understand."

"So, you'll be there in the morning?"

"Nope." I said, hanging up the phone and throwing it on the seat next to me...

Well, there was nothing like burning a few bridges on the way out of town...

Chapter 3

I spent the first hour of the trip working through the details of how I was going to get home and find my mom had died... I thought of all the ways that could go down. All the ways that I could lose her. She was young, only sixteen years older than me, forty to my twenty-two... wait, no, thirty-eight to my twenty-two... god, was she really that young?

I spent the second hour wishing my phone would ring. That someone would call me. That they would tell me what the hell was going on... that she was fine. That this was all a big misunderstanding...

I spent the third hour hoping my phone wouldn't ring... I was sure if it did ring it would be someone on the other end telling me that she had died. Telling me that I had been too late. Telling me that she had left without me being able to at least tell her goodbye. That she had died without me being able to tell her how much she had meant to me. That I had missed my opportunity to thank her for all that she had taught me, all she had done for me...

The last hour, I spent thinking about the people who were waiting for me at home...

People that I loved...

I thought about my mom, Deb. She wasn't really my mom. She was my step mom, but to me, she was my mom. Family was about a hell of a lot more than blood, it was about the people who had bled for you, it was about the people that had been there for you. The people that stood beside you when the best thing for them was to walk away and let you flounder on your own. It was about the people that put aside their own needs and wants for you. People that had made sacrifices for you. People that took care of you when you were sick. People that looked out forrea you when you were in trouble. People that gave you advice when you couldn't figure things out on your own. That spent their time and energy teaching you to be a better person...

Deb definitely fit that bill in every way. She was my mom, she had earned that name in every way that really mattered.

I let my mind drift back to how she and my dad had met...

It wasn't a love story for the ages, but it was a love story nonetheless...

My mom died when I was nine. My dad dutifully shouldered the responsibility of taking care of me. It didn't really seem like something he wanted to do, it was just another task that he put his shoulder to, another boulder that he pushed up the hill.

At the time, he worked at a mill, graveyard shift. By the time I was eleven I had gone through several babysitters. I went over to their house and I slept there. Apparently, that was too much trouble for most people.

We lived in a shitty little trailer in a shitty little trailer park. A couple moved in next door. Husband, wife, little girl. Deb, her husband, and their daughter. My dad and I were always pretty standoffish with our neighbors, we were the type of people that kept to ourselves, and made it apparent we expected everyone else around us to do the same, but for some reason my dad hit it off with Deb. She played piano, and he would sit there on the couch with the window open and listen to her play. She would play Moonlight Sonata, by Beethoven, and he would just sit there with this enraptured look on his face...

It was about then that I realized that what the really noticed, was Deb.

He would find an excuse to walk outside when he heard her mowing the lawn...

And Deb started to really notice my dad.

She would come over every few days and borrow some little food item or another, an egg here, or a little sugar, and then she'd show back up an hour later with a plate full of cookies...

After a couple of weeks, he asked her to start sitting for me. He made the excuse that it would just be easier to have the neighbor watch me. They were a poor family, and they could use the extra money. I would go over there at night, sometimes in the evening if he took on extra shifts, and I'd sleep there, or sit and watch Disney movies with little Adrianna as Deb played the piano, or cooked for us, or did one of the million other things that seemed to be her responsibility as a housewife...

It made me a little sad to see her. She was an awesome lady, one of the sweetest I had ever known. Her husband, Mike, was a student, and a real piece of shit. He was twenty years her senior, and apparently had met her in the small town she had grown up in. Being the fucking slimeball I knew him to be, he had, at better than thirty years of age, started hitting on a fifteen-year-old girl. By the time she was sixteen he had knocked her up, and I guess that was all the excuse her parents needed to marry her off to him...

I never saw him be mean to her, never saw him abuse her, but I rarely saw him interact with her at all... He just sat in the front bedroom of the trailer, which he had converted into an office and played on his computer, or sat at his desk fascinated by some electronic doodad that he had pulled apart.

I got the sense he had just knocked her up and he treated her like she was a dog he owned...

It made me really sad for her.

It made me really angry at him...

She started hanging out at our place when I wasn't over at hers. She would bring her daughter, Adrianna, and my dad and her would just interact. It wasn't dating per se... but it wasn't that far off either. They'd sit and drink beers, talking and laughing for hours...

Even at eleven, I knew that it wasn't completely kosher. I knew, on some level that she was a married woman, and what my dad was doing was wrong. Honestly, I guess in my mind I just made myself not care.

I guess she just wanted someone to pay attention to her. Maybe to feel like someone finally loved her.

I guess my dad just wanted someone to share his life with...

My dad and Deb fell in love. The fallout from her marriage imploding was... impressive.

Her husband showed up at our place one night drunk and full of accusations, and he decided to take a swing at my dad. My dad is many things...

Patient is not one of them.

Mike was a forty-year-old, overweight nerd.

My dad was a thirty year old millworker that was not in the business of taking shit from forty-year-old nerds...

So... uh... Dad beat the holy living fuck out of Deb's husband. I don't mean he popped him one. I mean he went full on, crazy badger protecting his den on Mike. To this day, I wonder what would have happened if Deb had not finally arrived...

I think my dad may have killed that man...

Not sure which stung Mike worse, the beating my dad threw him, or when his wife moved out the next day, taking their daughter with her.

On some level, I felt bad for him.

On pretty much every other level, I despised the man. It made me feel better about the whole situation when I reminded myself how he had treated her. How loyal she had been to him for years and years... How if he had just had two brain cells that weren't locked in mortal combat he could have turned it around.

I finally decided it was his loss.

From the moment they moved in, Deb treated me like her very own. She watched out for me. She held me when I was down. She gave me advice on how to talk to girls, and helped me with my homework. She stepped between me and my dad as we argued, the ever-present voice of reason, sanity and patience. She always watched out for me. Even with her daughter there, she always made time for me. She always made energy for me. She always made me a priority.

She made me love her.

Tears filled my eyes as I remembered how happy she had always made me. How safe I had always felt in her calming presence...

At first, it was weird suddenly having a little sister. Adrianna was only three and we were forced into pretty close quarters. My dad's trailer only had two bedrooms, and as a married couple... well you can guess who's bedroom Audrey ended up in...

At first, I hated her. I hated that I had to share everything with her, that she was constantly around...