Vickie Holzgraff

Finally Vickie stopped crying and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry Jerry, I just get so worried about you."
"I know honey." I answered "if all I ever heard was what they tell you here on the news I'd get worried too. The truth is there are far fewer Seals killed in action that there are Marines. If I were with the Marines, I could have been killed much easier than whom I am now with. Three of the guys I went to HM A School and FMSS with died the first time they went on a patrol. Four others Corpsmen were killed the same day that I never knew and that was with Second Battalion Third Marines."

"Really?" she asked very surprised. She'd always heard how Marines had a way of looking out for they're corpsmen. "Really!" I affirmed. "No one ever tells that side of it" she said, "all we hear is how many are killed, how many have killed babies, women, kids, and so on." She said. "You know about Lieutenant William Calley?" I asked. "What about him other than he killed a village of old men, old women, women and children and then burned the village?" She asked. "I found out from one of the Intel guys on the Iwo Jima that Mi Lai was a hot bed of V.C. activity. Tunnels filled with ammo dumps, hospital units to treat wounded V.C. and N.V.A. soldiers. Every time an American patrol would go by there they'd be shot at by the enemy." I told her. "We've never heard that before." She said, "why don't they tell that part?"

"Beats me." I added.

A knock on the door interrupted us. It was the Staff …I mean Linda. Vickie let her in. Linda had went back and changed into a dark blue spaghetti stringed dress which really accented her well developed cleavage and her natural feminine curves. She had also applied her makeup and some perfume, which to me was very heady and smelled absolutely delicious. I became aroused just looking at her and told her so. She smiled a knowing smile but said nothing. "Well, did you two love birds solve any pre marital problems, and get a bath while you're here sweetie?" She said looking first at Vickie and then at me.

"Thanks so much Staff." Vickie said embracing Linda and kissing her on the cheek. "Ow! Cut that shit out girl." Linda said. "Did you get your makeup fixed?" I asked comically. "Damn straight I did." She replied "and that ain't all I got straight Honey." Looking at me with a twinkle in her eyes. "What else did you get straight?" I asked somewhat puzzled.

"That's not the kind of question a gentleman should ask a lady." She said looking at Vickie and winking with a twinkle in her eye. Vickie grinned as her face flushed. I am really puzzled now and intrigued, but I say nothing else about it, but I am embarrassed at the thought. "I'm sorry ma'am." I added somewhat red faced. "See what I mean honey?' Linda said teasing Vickie and I, "You got a regular sweetheart here. He's so bashful I can't refuse to tease him."

Linda helped Vickie get me out of the women's barracks by again running interference. We went in Vicike's car to one of the local restaurants and again got in a dark and quiet corner away from everyone. Vickie sat beside me very close as though I were going to run away and clung to me not that I minded, but I didn't understand. Linda sat across the table from us and talked with Vickie mostly. I sat saying nothing because I didn't know all of the protocols of small talk. "Better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." They say. I certainly didn't want to be thought a fool. Linda would occasionally lean on her elbows on the table while talking to Vickie and expose her cleavage. She was a site to behold and quite a knock out in that dress. She was one of those women who when she sat crossed her legs and constantly swung her foot. I supposed it to be a nervous habit similar to all of whom have various little twinges of personality. She certainly had nice legs. One could not help but notice. But I had only eyes for Vickie, so I placed my arm about Vickie's shoulders and squeezed her affectionately. She melted into my shoulder and smiled for me that sweet little smile of hers that melted me inside.

I can't remember what we had for dinner, although Vickie ordered it for me. It could have been cardboard for all I knew I really didn't care because she ordered it for me and I ate it mechanically because Vickie wanted me to eat it. I really didn't see anyone else. I couldn't taste the wine. I didn't hear the music. I don't even know what restaurant I was in. I didn't know what time it was. Funny one of the songs the musical group Chicago came out with that year was "Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?" I really didn't know if it was day or light. I knew only one thing I was with Vickie. Nothing else mattered. There was no where else on the entire earth that I wanted to be at that time.

The evening ended as all must end. We dropped Linda off at the W.M. Barracks after what she said was a most memorable evening for her. She was a real sport and there was at that point nothing within reason that I wouldn't do for her. She deserved some fun and time out of the barracks. Linda was an unfulfilled woman for all intents and purposes. She no doubt was in search of a husband and deserved a good man, but what was her definition of a good man. She certainly was a stunning woman whom it could be said of that her personality exceeded her own personal looks. I felt sympathy for her. I could tell that when I had held her and kissed her in a symbol of affection and appreciation she was starved for love. Her reaction proved it because of the way she prolonged the kiss. I could only hope and pray she found a mate to match her. In retrospect, she was a good deal as Major Hardiman in personality, but it had never occurred to me until that moment.

I told Vickie about the major and how she cared for me. I told Vickie about the sickness I'd had, because I didn't want her to think that I was holding back everything from her. At least not everything. I couldn't tell her of the North Viet Namese Major, nor of Lieutenant Brown. There were something's one shouldn't tell his sweetheart. It was enough that I bear the memories and marks of such things no one else should. I could tell that she knew though because of the look in her eyes. Even though I didn't tell her she was a very perceptive woman who must have realized and never said anything else of it to me. Yet, I noticed her look directly into my eyes when I avoided these things and she read something. I will always wonder what she read but now I will forever wonder. There are things that I have yet to tell because of the intense emotional pain involved with such events. Some things will never be told, while some will. May God have mercy upon my soul.

The next day, Sunday, we drove around San Diego again and took in the sites again. More the wondrous site beside me than the attractions of a large city. I can't remember where we went or what we did. Did it really matter? No! All I wanted was to see Vickie and smell her hair, her skin and it's clean sweet smell. To taste her inviting lips and to feel her body against me when we embraced. To fall into her pale blue eyes forever and know her love. To be told by this wondrous woman that she loved me. That was all that mattered. All other things could disappear, heaven and earth could move but I would love Vickie forever. Could anything else be this important?

As we rode around and talked she finally found a place to pull over in a park. We sat facing each other in the car and talked holding hands. After a few minutes of small talk and laughter she suddenly turned serious and said to me "I know you can't talk about some things honey. I talked to Daddy this morning and told him about you. He's changed his mind about you since I told him what you did."

"What did you tell him?" I asked "the last time your mom figured out what I was no one was willing to accept me. "

"I always tell Daddy the truth." She said, "he is more reasonable than my oldest brother. And Mom. Daddy said that though he can't stand the Navy, but he has respect for the Navy Seals. He said that you are one of the Navy's finest. He also said it would be an honor for him to meat you. I also can't keep things hidden from him. He sees through me all the time. I guess you might say he's kept me an honest girl all the years I was home. I'm Daddy's little girl and always will be, even though I'm yours forever. Do you have a problem with that? If you do I need to know now before I go farther in our relationship."

"Honey, I'd never envy the relationship that you have with your Daddy. I said. "I've always wished I'd had a father who wanted to be with me like yours does. I envy you." She suddenly moves from under the wheel and slides across the seat throwing her arms around my neck and squeezes me kissing me. "Wow!" I think to myself. I should say something like that more often. "Would you like to meet Daddy?" she asked me. "Sure, why not?" I asked. "I'll tell him the next time I talk with him." She informed me.

"There is one thing dear," she continues, "I can tell that something bad has happened to you because I see hurt in your eyes. Your eyes are now so sad. You're still the same sweet lovable boy I met last year, but there's such hurt in your eyes that I can feel it. I can't ask you to tell me and Daddy understood when I told him. He told me not to ask you because you can't talk about it. I don't know what wounded you but I want to help heal it sweetheart. I really do."

Suddenly burning tears welled up in my eyes. It felt as if a knife had stabbed me in the heart. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I bit down on my lower lip hard almost enough to make it bleed. I shook with anger and rage thinking about Lieutenant Brown. How my life would never again be the same. I shook with sobs of grief. Very tenderly Vickie held me to her as I wept as a baby. I shook in her arms and uncontrollable wailing overtook me. With the affection of a consoling mother Vickie consoled me. For a long time my sides heaved as I grieved for Lieutenant Brown and trembled. All the time her tenderness was very sweet to me in my bitterness. "What Wondrous Love is This O My Soul, O My Soul" came the title of an old hymn that we sang in church when I was a boy. Just so Vickie's love was to me wondrous. She had a soothing touch and very soft and gentle were her hands.

Despite the fact that my moment of weakness, as I perceived it, was only in the presence of the one I loved more than any other in the world, was over. It was none the less a moment of weakness. One which I couldn't allow to happen any more if possible. I had to find a way to lock my emotions away.