Waiting for Marcus

The world was slowly now starting to change. Panic buying had caused shortages in shops and it was the following day that the first national lockdown was announced and the gallery instructed us to start working at home.

Life had changed and my mind was full of uncertainties and worries.

I wondered how I would adapt and how Marcus was coping in the hospital and when I may be able to see him again. Barely had our relationship begun and now we were being instructed to stay away from each other.

Our calls were often short and the pressure on him only increased as the pandemic spread faster and wider. His family lived far away and I worried about him on his own. I considered offering to move in with him but it was not allowed and carried a risk which Marcus was uncomfortable with. Although he was being tested regularly, he was concerned about catching the virus and potentially transferring it further.

I knew how dedicated and skilled he was but I worried about his well being and how he was reaching his limit.

I raised this with him during one of our calls before his shift, He had slept poorly the night before and we argued as I asked him if he was coping ok and suggested he plan some time off once things settle down. The argument was quite intense and I struggled to concentrate for the rest of the day, confiding in a colleague later that morning. The situation was taking its toll on all of us and the pressure building in these unprecedented times.

I messaged Marcus later that day to apologise and we would speak the following day.

As he called, I listened intently on the phone as he described the horror he faced every day and the stark reality of the pandemic. I could hear the pain in his voice as he described how hundreds of patients were now dying every day and it was getting worse. I could sense the emotion building in him as he spoke about his colleague contracting the virus and now being treated in the same hospital but unable to receive visits from his family.

Tears began to fill my eyes as I listened to him and thought of how that could be him, and the possibility that I may never see him again entered my mind.

We talked for over an hour as both of our eyes filled with tears as we listened to each other, and I tried to comprehend what he was going through. I imagined Marcus in his apartment alone and wished I was there with him again. I promised him I would come and see him as soon as I could.

We spoke regularly during the next few weeks as the struggle became harder but life continued. In my heart, I knew I would support Marcus no matter what, but the distance was taking its toll on everyone. I was determined to see this difficult time through though and wait for our opportunity, despite how challenging it was.

There were moments of insecurity too. I wondered about his friendship with Felicity and whether they were working together, but I couldn't think of that at this time, and just needed to focus and get myself through this difficult moment.

Rebecca was a wonderful friend during this period and I tried to be supportive of her also. She had lost her job so I offered to help with some of the costs. This was the most difficult time for so many and we all longed for the life we had known.

I recall a conversation I had with Marcus during this time. It was first thing in the morning and I was preparing for work at the same time. Again, he had not slept well the night before and was about to start a shift. We argued again about something trivial which I hated but sometimes it just happened. For the first time I doubted our relationship for a brief moment, but I knew this was only temporary and we agreed to give ourselves time.

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A walk in the nearby park would be Rebecca's and my daily escape out of the apartment. The restrictions took a physical and mental toll on both of us being inside all day long. We would talk about our lives and how everything had changed during these months.

As summer arrived, the situation slowly improved but the hospitals were still under immense strain. Restrictions began to be eased and I persuaded Marcus to meet me briefly. I was concerned how distanced we had become by now.

We met on a sunny evening. I had walked to meet him. A long walk but it was my preferred option, mainly due to the fear I held now of using public transport and Marcus' suggestion. I waited outside of the hospital in a small garden nearby.

As Marcus walked towards me I could see the exhaustion in his face and body. I hid a small paper bag behind my back as we met.

He was warm in the sun and so we stood underneath a large oak tree to the side of the garden. I had worn a summer dress which had made the walk slightly awkward but I wanted to look nice when he saw me. I asked him how he was. We had agreed to not talk at length about his work which we had wanted to escape for a brief moment.

'How is working at home?' he asked.

'It's ok.' I responded. It was difficult really but how could I complain.

'I enjoyed talking with you on the phone, but it's nice to see you Marcus' I said.

'Thank you. I'm glad we could meet too' he replied.

'I'm glad I have the chance to talk to you because this isn't an easy time right now. In fact, it's awful. I'm sorry to be so direct' he said as he looked up at me.

'I know. I'm sorry for what's happening. I wanted to check you are ok. I mean...really ok?' I asked.

The distance between us made for a slightly uncomfortable exchange but I accepted it and focused on him.

'Yeah I'm ok. I'm sorry too, for being stressed out at times. I hope it's finally heading in the right direction now though. The signs are good' he answered.

'Hopefully yes. Thank goodness!' I responded as I hoped in my mind this would soon all be over and we could return to our relationship which had barely started before it had been put on hold.

A slightly awkward silence now followed before I held the small paper bag in front of me and said

'Marcus...Rebecca and I had some time this morning. We made something for you...'. I passed him the paper bag, carefully holding the sides of the handle so he could take the top. It was actually mostly Rebecca's work, but I had her permission to take some of the credit!

He looked inside and smiled.

'There's half of a cake in there' he joked.

I smiled as he asked 'I hope you shared some also?'.

'Guilty' I said. We had kept some at home for Rebecca and I to share.

'Thank you. What a treat!' he said.

'You're welcome Marcus. I hope you like it.' I said as I looked into his eyes.

I wanted to tell him how much I missed him there and then as I stood in front of him, but it was difficult to express with him being so far away.

'Sorry, I don't have a gift for you. I'm very unprepared' he said.

'Really I didn't expect anything. I was just desperate to see you...It's been a very long time Marcus' I said as I looked into his eyes once more.

'It has, and I've missed you a lot' he replied.

'I've missed you too' I said as I held my emotions inside.

I glanced down as Marcus' colourful socks caught my attention. They were just visible under his trouser leg and above his shoes.

'Umm...your socks. How bright and colourful!' I teased.

'Yeah, we wear them to get through the day. It's a bit of fun. Who has the brightest sort of thing.'.

They were yellow and green pinstripe with a thick orange band which I noticed as he lifted his trouser leg to show me.

Another idea for a gift I thought to myself as we continued to talk for a while longer and I realised how badly I had missed him. My heart sank a little as he stopped me.

'Listen, Lousie...I know these are tough times and I really hope I can see you more soon, but right now, things are really difficult for me. So I wanted to tell you that I will understand if you need to move on with life. It would be selfish of me to ask you to wait for me right now.' he said as he paused to look away.

I stood there in silence as he continued.

'I don't know how long this will continue or when it will be over' he added.

Tears gradually filled my eyes now as I listened to his words, but I had promised myself I wouldn't cry, and so I held them inside.

'Never' I said as I looked at him.

'I will never do that. I'm waiting for you Marcus. However long it takes. I'm waiting' I insisted.

'Thank you. I know this won't be forever but it's impossible to predict now' he said.

'Let me help you through this Marcus. Please...' I asked.

'Of course, but really I'm ok. I just need time for this to pass and things will be better.' He assured me.

We paused momentarily before he added 'At least summer is here' looking around at the luscious green grass and plants.

'It's beautiful' I said.

'I wish we could meet more' he said as tears began to creep back into my eyes.

'We will. I promise. As soon as we can' I assured him.

'Will you be ok going home?' he asked.

'How was the walk?' he added.

'Sure. I'll be fine. I loved the fresh air and exercise. The walking was good...but much longer than I thought!' I joked.

'I would love to go walking with you sometime' he said as I began to think of the two of us spending a beautiful afternoon walking through the streets and gardens of the city.

'You look well Marcus. Very fit' I complimented him.

A slightly embarrassed smile spread across his face.

'I could order you a taxi home?' he suggested as I insisted it was ok.

'You must go now' I reluctantly said as I could see the time was getting late and he needed to head home and rest.

A pause followed at which I would normally reach to him for a kiss, but we were too far apart as we both looked across at each other.

'Thank you' he said.

'Look after yourself. We'll see each other soon.' he followed as he began to walk away before turning briefly.

'Oh and...thank you for the cake' he said as he lifted the paper bag.

Shrugging my shoulders and holding back my emotion, I said to him 'It's ok. Take care of yourself please and yes...we'll see each soon. Very soon' as he walked away from me, looking back occasionally.

I smiled as he turned the corner behind the tree and a tear ran down my cheek. My heart ached in that moment, but I knew now that this was worth it and we would wait for each other.

I walked home with thoughts in my mind and emotions inside me. I thought back to our time we had just spent together and how special that innocuous moment will now become to me.

Arriving home, I shared some cake with Rebecca and we talked for the remainder of the evening. Feeling pleased that I had finally seen him again, I went to bed that evening imagining when this may be over and we could be together properly. I remembered back to the night he had spent with me in my bed. It now seemed like such a long time ago but today had brought it all back.

I woke in the morning to a photo message from Marcus of the cake we had made him. At the bottom was a caption.

My day made easier. Thank you! M

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Marcus would be busy for the next week or so with changing shift patterns and overtime. Rebecca suggested we go for a long walk together to lift our spirits and I agreed. The coastline was not too far from home and was beautiful at this time of the year. The feeling of being outside in the open was incredible and I was feeling more positive now. My meeting with Marcus had given me something to look forward to and I knew it was just a matter of waiting.

The weather was perfect. A bright sunny day as we strolled along the seafront. The air was cool and fresh as we walked down onto the pebble beach. I promised myself I would come back here with Marcus when things changed and it gave me something to look forward to.

Rebecca opened up to me about her worries and I listened as I treated her to lunch. There was a beautiful small family-owned restaurant set back from the beach which we decided on. Rebecca was excited about starting a new job, but uncertain about working at home. She spoke of how she would like to meet someone special, and have a romantic relationship also, but these were impossible times. So many restrictions and the risk, but it seemed to make everyone want to connect more, and I promised her it would happen to her.

Feeling adventurous, we walked further after lunch and arrived at the entrance to a green space. A park with a small garden set back from the main area. It was well preserved with thick trees and bushes bordering the manicured lawn and stone planters. Another beautiful setting and very quiet. We sat for a while inside the garden as we talked more and enjoyed a cold drink on that hot day.

We strolled again and returned home in the late afternoon.

-------------------

As summer continued, my next meeting with Marcus would be dinner over a long weekend. He had taken some rare time off so we could spend it together away from the pressure of life at this time.

The weekend began well as we met on Friday afternoon in a local cafe to Marcus. I wanted to save him the journey and meet close by. It was an unseasonably cool day. We sat and talked for some time inside before deciding what to do next.

There were very limited options at that time, but I had read about an outdoor art exhibition which I suggested to him and we decided to go.

Marcus was quiet initially and I could sense something was still on his mind. He relaxed more as the day went on and we shared our thoughts. The exhibition was fascinating. Natural science based explorations imagined in mixed media including photographs. Marcus loved the photography aspect.

I hoped his mind had settled somewhat and we grew closer as the day went on. Marcus was concerned about the spread of the virus and we were unable to kiss at that time. The regular testing worked for him, but there was always a risk and we chose to be careful. It was difficult to be by his side, close to him but not able to express our affection for each other.

We later worked our way to a nearby restaurant and had dinner. It was an unusual experience with the restaurant nearly empty and distancing in place. We made the best we could of the situation though and it was a nice evening. We had spoken further about our future together and it felt good to connect with him once more. I held his hand briefly during dinner as we connected over a glass of wine following our meal.

We separated as we said goodbye and headed home.

We met again the following day and had a lot of fun as we walked together in the city. It was great to be outdoors again and the exercise was good for both of us. Marcus was much fitter than me and I was tired by the end, but it was a good day. It had been a long time since we had so much fun.

We agreed to only see each other occasionally as Marcus returned to work and we agreed to meet again in a few weeks, dependent on how the situation improved.

I thought in detail about my relationship with Marcus over the next few days and how strange the past few months had been. I had met him about 6 months prior, but we had barely seen each other in that time, yet my mind was sure that he was the right man for me.

-------------------

As summer turned to Autumn, restrictions began to ease slightly before new ones were introduced. It was a very unpredictable time and our plans had to be reconsidered as we only had the opportunity to meet briefly a few times over the next few months.

As winter approached, Marcus and I continued to speak regularly. I had felt more optimistic during the summer and a recovery seemed to be in place, but this was a step back and things seemed to be getting worse with the virus spreading rapidly again. The lockdown had helped but the pressure only increased further on the healthcare system.

The forecast would become increasingly bleak as we entered winter and although restrictions were eased at times, it became difficult to adapt to ever changing circumstances. I only saw Marcus once over the next few months.

As Christmas arrived, I met Marcus only briefly in the garden where we had met back in the summer months. Our meetings outside were spanning all seasons now and we joked about escaping the blazing sun into the shade back in the summer, and here we were again.

It was a rainy and cold day when we met this time but we escaped to the same spot, this time away from the cold chill and rain. Darkness had started to set in as the afternoon turned to evening, and Marcus and I stood under our umbrellas. I had leant him mine as I took out the spare I had packed with me just in case.

Marcus had just finished work and was tired as we talked. We sat on the little stone wall as he described his day and how they were struggling to cope. I listened to him as I always tried to do but the distance made it impossible to provide any form of comfort to him. I reassured him it won't be long until this is over.

I noticed Marcus was holding two bags which he passed to me as he said 'I'm sorry we have to do this here, but thank you for everything this past year. These are for you'.

'Marcus, you shouldn't have. Two?' I asked.

'Yes, for Christmas and...an apology. An apology for the times when I haven't been so great and certainly not an easy person to talk to.' he explained.

'Take care of that one' he said gesturing to the smaller bag.'

'Of course' I said as I looked at him.

'The cake was delicious by the way' he added.

Smiling, I said 'I'm glad you liked it, but these are too much Marcus'. I looked at my present for him which was smaller in comparison and passed it to him.

'You must wait to open them' I made him promise.

I had filled it with a selection of gifts. Colourful socks included. As well as bicycle accessories and a shirt similar to the style he had worn on our first date. That was a fond memory I held onto in these difficult times.

Inside the bag I had tucked a letter. It had taken some time to write but described how much I missed him, and looked forward to seeing him even though it was only briefly. I made him promise not to open it until Christmas.

We parted ways again as I held onto the bags he had passed me, and we wished each other happy christmas. We tried but the greeting felt empty somewhat but we both knew it would not always be like this, and were determined to look forward. Marcus had mentioned Easter as something which we could look forward to sharing but I had something different in mind. Something sooner.

Valentine's Day.

I began thinking of how we could spend Valentine's Day together whilst I was on my way home. So much was unknown at that time but I would find a way to make it special.

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Christmas was a very strange day. The restrictions meant it passed by quickly and I spent it mostly at home. Rebecca also, which made it slightly easier as we celebrated with a nice meal and a relaxing afternoon.

Marcus had bought me a beautiful gold necklace. I was surprised as I opened it and I thought of him throughout the day. I had spoken to him in the morning and he had liked his presents too. He had read my letter before work as well and it had prepared him for the day.

I spent the evening looking forward to our next meet whenever that may be and thinking of Valentine's Day when we would finally be together.

Marcus had previously mentioned his fear of the virus spreading further as people met up for Christmas and New Year, and the impact this would have over the next few weeks and months. This later turned out to be accurate as once again the hospitals filled with more patients requiring treatment placing extra pressure on the hospital.

Our plans for Valentine's Day varied from meeting as normal inside and outside to outside only or distanced, This was out of our hands but I knew the day would be special as our first Valentine's Day together.