Was it an Affair?

"Don't get me wrong, I wish to prosecute them but I need to know where they may attack our evidence to have it thrown out."

Samantha spoke, "When I saw the problems we had with our computer systems, I researched who would be the best to resolve them. This company was the clear winner. I didn't know until everything blew up with Bright, that his latest victim was Tom's wife. The three were suspended immediately.

"I asked for a meeting here the next day. I needed their help. I'm also a woman and hopefully, a decent human being. If I were Tom or his friends I wouldn't have wanted to touch Fawkes with a bargepole. I offered them full access to our systems, even if they didn't take us as clients, to find out what had been happening. The agreement we reached covered business integrity, resources, materials, and secrecy arrangements. It deliberately excluded criminal acts. All I asked was that if any were found, I be advised so I could help if necessary but also prepare the company for the fallout. I would not condone any such behaviour. So, their legal teams cannot say the agreement forbids this disclosure and usage. The whole board signed off on this contract."

I simply stated, "The material was recovered in a manner which corresponds to the direction of the latest forensic manual. Everything is documented, recorded, and corroborated. We have assisted a number of successful prosecutions using this method."

All looked very happy.

As Bright was already under investigation, I showed video of him with four other victims. Mark provided the details of the victims. They didn't ask to see any others.

DI Spark spoke, "Have you contacted any of the victims?"

Samantha said, "No, I wished to discuss with you how this goes forward. I've no knowledge of dealing with such an atrocious event. I have arranged support for the victims should they wish. I'll act as you direct. I won't impede your investigation. The ones we haven't identified are from longer ago. We have a few older workers who may know them so I had thought to approach them but how without giving this away."

The DI smiled, "Bright's SD cards showed him with another six women whom we have traced and interviewed. These were not within the office hence not on your system. Those four along with Harriet means there will be potentially eleven victims speaking against him and multiple charges of rape upon each. We'll concentrate on him meantime. Is there anything further on Sneddon and Davidson?"

I shook my head, "From what I have seen so far, I think it was their initiation onto the board. We've documented forty-seven such events so far." Ralston smiled.

Spark continued, "The media think if we know something, the enquiry is all cut and dried, it's not. We'll have to interview all the victims, some may not wish to disrupt their lives by making this public so we have to accept that. I'll get a large number of experienced officers to assist the sexual offences unit but even so, this will take several months.

"I'll keep you updated so you know when we are going to arrest the culprits. They live all over so it will be difficult to take them all before the others learn of it."

Samantha smiled, "They come together for board meetings at our head office. I'll schedule one and ensure they are all there. I'll have them sign their resignations before you come in."

The meeting broke up. The Procurator Fiscal and Samantha spent some time speaking. I got the impression I was discussed.

On a personal level, along with the work of finding the evidence over, my counselling sessions helped me to begin looking ahead. I went to my session the following day feeling better than I had in months. It was a good job I was, as at the end, the counsellor dropped a bombshell. I had been warned to expect this but it still came as a surprise.

Jonathan spoke softly which I was learning was often a bad sign, "Tom we've come almost as far as we can. Your quest for information on the culprit is over you've said. You've certainly been more open and involved in the last few sessions as you've seen the finishing line ahead. There is one major stumbling block in all this. Each time I have mentioned Harriet you've stiffened up and focussed on something else.

"It's understandable but it is also holding you back from going forward. You say you don't need closure but the words are hollow. The wall you've built to stop your feelings overwhelming you, will collapse as you end your pursuit of her abuser. You need to now deal with those feelings. The best way is to have some joint sessions with Harriet. This is not a suggestion I make lightly. Both of you are in a great deal of mental pain, emotionally raw. Speaking together does not signify anything more than that. It will be difficult."

I sat there for what seemed like minutes. Since that bloody Saturday evening, I haven't spoken with her apart from the terse phone call. In recent weeks everyone was making vague and not so vague suggestions that I should speak with her. Mum and Moira especially though Alan and Christine dropped it in the conversation as well.

I looked at Jonathan. He must be a great poker player as I couldn't tell his thoughts. "Jonathan what do you think it would achieve? My family, Harriet's family and even my friends and colleagues are dropping the same hints. What is it I'm not seeing?"

Jonathan smiled lightly, "Your family and friends know you well, maybe too well. I think they are seeing in you, what I have come to see. On the surface, you are coping. Underneath, you are like a coiled spring. Being focussed on the bad guy has given you a focal point which allowed you to cope at least superficially. Your inflamed knuckles aside from hammering that punchbag.

"Now, you will be faced with what you are dreading. You've built a wall around your heart so those raw, gut-wrenching feelings are contained. In our talks, you've freely admitted you loved Harriet like you've never loved anyone before nor may do again. The depth of your love is only matched by your anger at what she did. Until you can open that wall and face those feelings, the battle between love and anger will continue within you. You won't be able to create a new relationship with anyone as you will not wish to risk the hurt you are feeling.

"Harriet is similar but her emotion is based on guilt for the pain she has caused you. Despite knowing she was subjected to mind control drugs, she believes she is 100% guilty of destroying your marriage. If you can both speak, each may give an insight which will help the other understand their feelings and the causes of their pain. Much of your pain is based on your concern about Harriet. As we discussed various parts, you've been empathetic, even supportive in your responses but as soon as you realise that you're not crucifying her, you withdraw into your shell.

"By allowing each other such access, you'll be aware of it in a way which should eventually help you. You will feel all those emotions with great intensity but when those unasked questions are revealed, you will gain a path forward. The relationship you had is gone. What any new one will be has not been decided yet.

"With the trial approaching, I think speaking now will help you both through the attention which will come to both of you. It would mean that much of the events which will come out won't be a surprise. It will enable you to develop a coping strategy. How the other speaks about it will be known so it won't be as shocking on the day.

"Also, and this is very important, I won't allow either of you to evade, like you have been doing. You will feel I've rubbed you all over with sandpaper at times. My metaphorical baseball bat will hit hidden areas and dislodge what is hiding. We will end up with the truth about how you both feel. Only after we reach there, will you start your journey to heal properly. Your emotions will be raw but once opened you can learn to deal with them, face what is haunting your thoughts. Reality is seldom worse than our imaginations."

I laughed, without any humour. My reluctance was easily heard in my voice, "You'll never make a salesman. I didn't hear anything except I'm going to be an emotional wreck. If everyone who knows and cares about me, agrees with you, I suppose I'd better bite the bullet."

Jonathan smiled, "You hit it on the head, people care about you. They care about Harriet. I suggest you have someone bring you as this will be difficult." That statement didn't bode well.

The session ended with an agreement to meet on Monday at 10am. I spent an anxious weekend. My mum and dad came to visit and tried to point out the benefits. Mum hugged me and said, "We'll take you and wait. We love you both. We know it will be difficult. Moira is trying to hold Harriet together, she's as reluctant as you. She knows she needs to speak with you but she's terrified of how you'll react to her.

"You both love each other deeply but with what has happened, that love is consumed by guilt and anger. Both of you need to remove that and find a new life ahead. We're not suggesting as a couple but even being able to speak if you meet up would be a massive improvement. With the trial coming up, the media will be after both of you to speak unless the judge rules no media intrusion. If you've spoken and know how the other will react, it will help you cope."

I couldn't fault the logic just the requirement I'd to be there.

Mum and dad were early on the Monday. Alan had told me not to come in, they would cope without me for a few days if necessary. What did he suspect? Dad had to tell mum to stop fussing over me. She was making things worse.

Dad smiled sadly, "Tom, I have known others undergoing counselling. While it hurt a lot, they all said the thoughts beforehand were worse. Let Jonathan help you. Try and go there with an open mind, don't use your anger as a shield. It won't help you in the long term."

He hugged me. He's not a big hugger so he was worried as well.

When we arrived, it was awkward. Brian, Moira, and Harriet were in the waiting room. Mum and dad hugged them all, including Harriet. This surprised her. Brian and Moira hugged me. Harriet and I didn't know what to do about each other. Fortunately, Jonathan called us in. Both mums were staying in the waiting room. The dads went for a coffee. By their looks something stronger would have been better.

Jonathan had noticed our reluctance to speak to each other. Once in his room he spoke clearly, "I know you are both worried about today, what you will say, will hear. One session together will not bring you any closure but hopefully, we'll have enough to help you take a step or two on a new journey.

"I want to start by asking you to give me three words about how you feel over what's happened between you. Harriet!"

Harriet looked solely at Jonathan. She couldn't look at me. She spoke very quietly, "Guilt, Guilt, Guilt!"

Jonathan smiled, "Try and add words other than guilt. Tom!"

I looked at him and forced myself to look at Harriet, "Anger, Betrayal and Lost!" Her eyes sparked at the last one.

Jonathan asked, "Harriet, do you have another two words?"

Harriet had tears in her eyes, "Shame, Grief!"

Jonathan told her, "Explain what you feel when you said Guilt!"

Harriet looked at him and turned to me, her eyes were streaming, "I've loved Tom since we first met. He was the perfect husband as far as I was concerned. Each day I loved him more. Despite that I allowed a bastard to fuck me, day after day. When I went home, I treated Tom like a piece of shit. I could see his eyes, the pain my words caused but I couldn't stop myself speaking to him like that. I couldn't stop Bright fucking me. Why didn't I have the strength to say no to Bright, to tell Tom what was happening. I've killed all that was good in my life. I'm responsible for his pain."

"Thank you," he said softly as he handed her tissues. "Tom why do you feel anger?"

I took a few moments to compose myself. Seeing Harriet crying like that was difficult. "I've loved Harriet since we first met. I always envisioned us, having our children, grandchildren and still holding hands, still fucking each other at every opportunity into our twilight years. All what I assumed were our mutual dreams, were destroyed as she had an affair with Bright. Every night when she came home and lied again to me added to my anger. The distain for me in her voice and words. Who was this Harriet? She'd become someone I didn't know. All my love was matched by my anger. I had to find out what she was doing. It became my reason for living, for putting up with her shit. My anger now exceeds my love for her."

Jonathan said calmly, "If I can reduce what you've both said to, Harriet it's the guilt over how what happened hurt Tom. Tom, your anger is because your dreams were shattered."

We both nodded.

Jonathan turned back to me, "Tom explain betrayal."

I looked at Harriet. She was still crying. "I suppose it's similar. I always saw us as being together forever. When she started coming home late and her behaviour changed, I wracked my brain for any reason other than the obvious. When it was obvious she was having an affair, I felt such a sense of betrayal. Her words of love, of fidelity meant nothing. I meant nothing to her. Our dreams no longer mattered. We were no longer as one."

I had tears running down my face. Jonathan handed me tissues.

Jonathan turned to Harriet, "Explain shame."

Harriet looked at me, "I have committed an act, repeated acts which I cannot comprehend. I abused someone I called my soulmate. I didn't have the courage to confess I was fucking Bright. I made it worse by denying everything although I still maintain, I didn't have an affair. I saw the hurt, the anguish, the pain, and I did nothing to help him. I'm so deeply ashamed of my cowardly actions and how they have impacted on Tom, my family and his parents."

Jonathan summed up, "Shamed because you feel you failed him and betrayed because what you envisioned was snatched away from you."

We nodded. I searched his face for an idea of what he was thinking but found no clue.

"Harriet, explain grief!"

Harriet looked at me with such a sad expression, "I have lost the man I love with my whole being. I have destroyed our dreams, our future. The feeling is worse than the loss of my grandmother as I know I'm responsible. Had he died, I would have been distraught but would be consoled in that he knew I loved him with all my being. This grief has no bottom, I'm totally bereaved as I killed what we had."

Jonathan looked at me, "Explain Lost!"

I thought for a few moments, "All my life as far as I'm aware I have had goals which I strived to achieve. Now, I don't know what to do. I have no focus only pain. I can concentrate on work as that has a goal. As for personal matters, I swing up and down, mostly down. I'm adrift. I have no anchor, no focus. I see no future."

Jonathan took us through our words time and again, asking us to expand, explain our choice of words. It was harrowing a lot of the time.

Jonathan spoke, "Tom is there anything which Harriet said you are unsure of or disagree with?"

As I spoke I heard my voice rising, the anger coming out. I almost smiled, "She's repeated several times she hadn't had an affair. It was her mantra like "not now." She fucked him for two months. How can that not be an affair? She allowed them to fuck her at that event knowing I was there. Yet still no acknowledgement."

Harriet dissolved into more tears. She took minutes to compose herself before she replied. "Tom, I understand your assertion and if it were the other way around, I'd be accusing you of the same. I'm still working through this with Jonathan and the Police. My feelings go from agreeing with you to denying I had an affair. The Police have told me they cannot disclose what Bright did until the case is over. Once that is over, they will explain it to Jonathan and myself. I'd offer to have you with us so you can hear the reasons for yourself.

"In my sessions with Jonathan, I shed so many tears over how I treated you. With his help, hypnosis, and patience I learned what was happening within me. I was at war with myself. My conscience wasn't aware of what Bright was doing due to the drugs he used. Jonathan can explain them as I struggle to understand how a drug can overcome my resistance and leave me with no knowledge. My subconscious was aware but I couldn't make out what it was saying. It wanted me to tell you but I had nothing to tell you. You were saying I was lying, I was having an affair. My conscious mind was denying it as it had no knowledge.

"You poked a massive hole in my defences when you told me how you read my body language. My conscience began listening to my subconscious though I wasn't aware. My subconscious was the part which made me invite you. It wanted you to discover what was happening. It trusted that you loved me enough to find out and stop it. You did.

"I know the cost for both of us has been astronomical but despite knowing I've lost you, I want to thank you. That bastard won't rape any more women. I didn't have sex with him willingly. Had I, that would have been an affair. I was raped repeatedly. I know I'm soiled goods and nobody will ever want me but I do thank you for stopping it."

Jonathan spoke softly, "The drugs used allow the perpetrator to weave stories to overcome a person's resistance. Like hypnosis they can erase the memory but not the subconscious. How exactly Bright did it, we won't know until we have access to the videos. Harriet's account is genuine, from all I've ascertained through the Police and my research."

I was shocked by what she said. She didn't deny fucking Bright or make any excuse. She thanked me for the pain she was in. I realised everything she felt was based on her perception of how she had hurt me, us. She never once looked at herself as being worth anything.

Jonathan allowed me to take in what she said before asking, "Harriet, is there anything you wish to ask Tom about what he has said?"

Harriet looked at me, "I understood his anger and betrayal. When Tom described being lost, I was shocked. He's always had a plan, a means, a desire to achieve. How are you coping Tom? This is totally uncharted territory for you."

I laughed, "I'm not coping. Everyone who cares about me tells me I needed to do this today and other sessions. My doctor says my blood pressure is up and if I don't do something to bring it down he will prescribe something. I fill in my time at the gym, walking. I can't go the cinema as I can't concentrate on the film. My work is the only place I can concentrate but Alan and Christine have to make me take time for myself. I can't explain how I feel. The closest analogy is I'm floating in a large sea. There is nothing around I can focus on to find sanctuary."

Jonathan smiled, " You've kept away from discussing your feelings but what you describe is your search for some peace. The struggle going on inside you, is the cause of this. I can help with some hypnotherapy and relaxing techniques.

"I think we have done enough on you today so I'm going to ask your mums to come in."

Both Harriet and I stared in disbelief as he brought them in. They looked surprised.

Jonathan smiled, "I know you weren't expecting this but the session has been very difficult for them but I hope when they think it through in the days to come they will see some progress there.

"I have two reasons for asking you to be present. I think you will understand.

"Harriet, do you wish to say anything to Tom? It can be general or based on today's session."

Harriet looked at her mum who smiled at her and held her hand before she looked at me. She spoke softly, tears appearing, "Tom, I need to apologise to you, my parents and your parents especially. I could never have imagined the pain I caused you all. I'm responsible. I wasn't strong enough to refuse him or tell you. I love you with all my being but I know you cannot forgive what I have done. Let Jonathan help you."