Was it an Affair?

He asked me my thoughts, "I have read the material several times. I've marked bits I wasn't convinced with and researched those. Everything I found matched what you said as you closed the report. Logic tells me and I think Harriet's brain is telling her the same, the drug took away her ability to defend herself. We have already discussed how she was not a willing partner. As both our mum's and Harriet have said, "she didn't have an affair" as she did not do this willingly. These reports show that to be the truth.

"Having said that, I'm struggling with the concept of her having no control, how she couldn't tell me anything."

Harriet and our mums looked at me worriedly.

"I'm not disputing what the material exposes. Perhaps Harriet's response is similar. I've always been in control, knowing what I wished to do. Because of this, I cannot comprehend this not knowing, not being able to express what has happened.

"As I've looked through everything, I see the part which is hanging most strongly onto this response is my anger. My anger drives the feeling this is bullshit. When I calm down and look at it with more dispassion, I understand that Harriet couldn't tell me. The drugs and Bright's words controlled her actions. When she found some moment of control, she did. Her decision to invite me caused all the cards to fall.

"Until this event, I've no memory of ever feeling lost. Since then, I have this feeling which is so alien to me. While not remotely as unfocussed as what the drugs did to Harriet, I struggle to put coherent thoughts together at times. Those drugs are far more powerful.

"Harriet, if you can let go of the guilt, the shame we have discussed and just look at the research with those dictating your reaction, I'm sure it will help you come to terms with what you did. You'll never forget but release your guilt. Bright is the only guilty person."

My mum hugged me. I didn't realise I was crying. Harriet was crying, Moira holding her tightly.

Jonathan was smiling. He spoke to Harriet and asked her thoughts.

Harriet was adamant, "I read it. I can't see how a drug can control what my brain records, what I can say or do. I didn't stop him. It was Tom. I may not have been a willing participant, like when Tom and I made love but I never stopped him."

She was crying even harder.

Jonathan dug deeper, "Why do you think you never stopped him?"

Harriet could only say, "I don't know. I should have tried harder."

Jonathan asked, "You've told us how you felt when you spoke with Tom after coming home from work, why did you speak to him in that way?"

Harriet looked bewildered, "I don't know. I've never spoken to Tom like that even when we have fallen out."

Jonathan probed again, "What did you say about Tom's nature?"

Harriet looked confused, "If he saw a problem, he'd find out what was wrong."

Jonathan spoke again, "Behaving like that, what did you think Tom would do?"

Harriet looked at him, "He'd try to find out what was wrong."

Jonathan was happy, I didn't see why. "Harriet when I asked you for three words to describe what you felt, what did you say?"

Harriet said softly, between sobs, "Guilt, Shame and Grief."

"What were the words the first time?"

Harriet sobbed, "Guilt, Guilt, Guilt."

Jonathan spoke softly but with a resolve, "Harriet, try to take away your feelings of guilt, look at those drugs dispassionately, what do they do?"

Harriet looked him in the eye, "They control what your brain records, makes it controllable to others."

"Harriet, if they do that are you in control?"

Harriet looked at him, her eyes were showing she was fighting inside herself, "I want to say yes, but you're trying to make me think maybe I wasn't."

"Harriet, did you know anything about those drugs being used?"

"No!"

"If you didn't know how can you blame yourself? Tom admits he struggled to comprehend those drugs when he looked at them solely with his angry mindset. You're similar, you're only looking through the prism of your guilt. Your guilt is based on what you wish you had done to prevent it and how all of this has affected those you love. It won't let you see the truth.

"Did you have time to read all the material?"

I nodded but Harriet said, "I didn't. I read the highlighted parts and some others but I was so busy crying at why I never stopped it."

Jonathan looked pleased again, "What did the section say on how the drug worked?"

Harriet replied, "It took some time to be absorbed. The dosage was critical. When that was reached, the person in control was able to suggest actions to the victim. The victim was unable to refuse."

Jonathan asked, "What did it conclude with?"

Harriet didn't answer straight away, "I didn't understand that. It said it took a great deal of resolve for a person to break the control. Something was needed to reach their subconscious which could allow them to act. It was extremely rare."

Jonathan repeated, "Something needed to reach their subconscious which could allow them to act. It was extremely rare."

He let those words hang in the air for at least thirty seconds.

"In our sessions and those with Tom, what have you said about that party?"

Harriet looked at him, "I invited him as I knew he would end it. I had to really work hard to persuade him, he didn't want to go."

Jonathan didn't let her off the hook, "Did Bright want you to invite him?"

Harriet shook her head, "No. Although the invite said the two of us I wasn't to bring Tom."

Jonathan smiled, "Why did you invite him?"

Harriet repeated, "I knew he'd finish it."

"How did you know that?"

Harriet looked confused, "I just did. It's who Tom is, he's the one who will help anyone he cares about and even those he doesn't if he can."

Jonathan spoke slowly, "How did you overrule the drug?"

Harriet looked lost, "I don't know. The only thought I've had is the words Tom used when he was demanding answers from me. He knew me so well, when to hug me, give me space, he read my body language. He knew I was lying. He knew I was having an affair. I lost it then as I wasn't having an affair!

"Did it break the control? I'm so confused."

Jonathan was conciliatory, "Harriet, you broke the control of the drug using something within you to do so. It's very rare. You managed to get enough control to end it. You created the mistrust which made Tom mad enough to find the truth. It will take time to reduce your feelings of guilt. But, remember you stopped it. YOU!"

I hadn't realised I was crying as much as Harriet. She looked totally drained.

Jonathan had us speak about how we were feeling about each other. I was in tears as I said, "I've never seen Harriet so broken. She's taken all the blame but it was Bright. It took something extraordinary to defeat those drugs but she did. She should be proud of herself for what she achieved."

Harriet launched an attack at me, "How can you say that? I destroyed us by having sex with that bastard. I couldn't say no to him. I failed you, us!"

She dissolved into more tears. Moira was holding her and even she had tears running down her face. My mum was the same.

I replied calmly, "Harriet, Bright's responsible. You broke his grip, you freed yourself and all the others he and the other bastards controlled. When you can look beyond the guilt you feel, you'll see that is right. You're amazing. You always were."

I broke down totally. My mum held me as I sobbed.

It took quite a few minutes before we were all able to be in control.

Jonathan spoke clearly, "I know today has been harrowing for all here. Even if you don't feel it, there has been a lot of progress which will become apparent in the weeks ahead.

"Harriet, I have some recordings of you with Bright which I will go through with you. DS McIntosh and I discussed what I needed and she put them together. I'll not show the video but play the audio so you can hear how he was able to programme you. This will help you understand better how the drugs worked. I think if you're happy have your mum with you."

Mum added, "I'll bring you both. It will be harrowing for both of you. Brian may not understand it as well as another woman."

Jonathan nodded, "That's sensible. We can discuss if you wish Tom to listen to any afterwards. It may help him reinforce his logic as his anger is still there. It's reducing but it's still there."

Harriet spoke softly, "Have you seen the rapes?"

Jonathan answered, "No. DS McIntosh has informed me of what has taken place but I'm more concerned about the words he used. If you hear them, I hope you can understand how you couldn't refuse him. How the battle within you between your conscious and subconscious minds was ongoing which somehow manifested itself in the problems between Tom and you. Your subconscious knew Tom wouldn't back down, he would hunt down what was happening. This ultimately resulted in you making an almost unknown act by inviting Tom against Bright's programming and as a result, you broke the cycle.

"If there comes a point where you wish to view an actual rape to confirm everything we have heard about them, I'll leave the room to give you privacy. If you never wish to view one, that's fine as well."

Harriet looked relieved if a bit stunned.

I had listened intently to Jonathan. His description of how Harriet had deliberately caused the fights to make me help her and her resolve to have me there. I began crying all over again.

Mum and dad took me home. I was so shattered, she insisted on making me lunch. During it she updated dad on what was being said. Mum looked pleased when she said, "What's good is their love is still there. Each tries to make it easier for the other. They've supported each other despite having some very difficult discussions, exposures of their feelings.

"Tom, today was the most difficult yet most encouraging. Harriet was shocked you didn't blame her, you blamed Bright. She had a lot of trouble to comprehend the actions of the drugs but between Jonathan and you, I think you opened a way for her to do so."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Harriet described herself as soiled goods, no one will want her in the future. Even if she accepts what the drugs did, she'll struggle to get over that."

Dad spoke softly, "Tom, neither your mum or I have ever enquired about the sex life you or Harriet had before you became a couple. It's never been relevant to us, only the love we saw between you. From what has been said, Harriet fought as hard as anyone could to tell you, make you aware, finally succeeding by inviting you to that event. She'd have known you would be taking great care to watch her, to find out yet she did that. She knew the consequences yet her need for you to know and break this cycle meant more to her than anything.

"Your mum and I have watched you, tried to be here to support without offering any advice, letting you work your way through this. You're at a tipping point. As your anger has abated somewhat, your love for Harriet is shining through. You've been very protective of her when the questions have cut her wide open. She's been the same for you.

"There is a question I will ask you to consider. Had you met Harriet after she had been in an abusive relationship, would you have still fallen in love with her? Would you have supported her and shown her what the power of proper love can do? In essence, treating Bright like an abusive previous relationship. If the answer is yes, you may have a chance together. It won't be easy for either of you as what happened is so close and raw. If you can accept there will be times dark thoughts may appear but with each other's support you can overcome them. A chance exists.

"If no, as Harriet says, she's "soiled goods" there will be no future as husband and wife. You can build a friendship perhaps but that is as far as it will go."

I looked at him and started crying, "I don't know and it scares me. I've always known what I want. Harriet is innocent but can I forgive, forget? I don't know."

Mum held me, "You're adrift because what is important has become obscured. You can't see it due to the anger, your feeling of being betrayed. Harriet didn't betray you willingly, she fought as hard as she could for the two of you. Let go of your anger and see where it leads. You're a victim as much as she was. Let Jonathan and all of us help you."

They stayed with me most of the afternoon. Our discussions sometimes had us all in tears. I remembered what mum had said "about all being in pain" and asked her what she meant.

"Tom, we love you. We love Harriet. Moira and Brian love you. When Harriet and you got together, we saw the love you had for each other. None of us were prepared for what has happened. Moira and Brian were shocked, their daughter was a slut! She'd betrayed you and all of us. Your dad and I couldn't believe it. We saw and heard your pain. It made what we felt even worse.

"Then your work exposed Bright for what he was. The culture in that firm. We then saw Harriet not as a slut but a victim. It wasn't easy as we had a lot of anger towards her as well for the pain she'd caused you. Brian and Moira are so hurt by the words they said to Harriet before they learned what had happened. It's difficult to accept that drugs can overcome your best intentions but we've learned how much Harriet fought them.

"You've both lost your dreams, what you both saw as your future together. No parent can see their child going through what you both have and not feel anything except your pain. We've lost our dreams for you and for us. The grandchildren we probably won't have. Moira and I used to speculate on how many weekends a month we'd have the grandchildren so you two could spend it making love. No matter how painful that loss is to us, it is small compared to what Harriet and you are going through.

"What the future holds, we don't know. The only person who can make a decision for you, is you. It has to be one which your heart and mind are both agreed on. Whatever it is, we'll support you."

The next few weeks were difficult. On many occasions Harriet attacked me verbally for what I said as I couldn't possibly mean that. She had failed us. As we went on, those became fewer and fewer. Our sessions with Jonathan seemed to be repeated almost each time yet he seemed pleased with the progress. I didn't see much progress. He explained, I was listening, adding, and supporting rather than letting my anger cloud everything. I wanted to run but I still needed to crawl.

When I brought up Harriet's attacks, he said, "Harriet expected you to shout, scream, decry her, release your justifiable rage on her and boot her to the side. Instead, you've shown remarkable empathy and love. Her feelings of guilt made her refuse to see what you were saying. She needed to be abused to feed her guilt. You've shown her, you no longer blame her. Her guilt is still there but slowly she's beginning to understand, she has no blame in this. It's because of you."

I admit, the time I spent outside the sessions, using his relaxation techniques were easing my stress levels. My knuckles were improving. My blood pressure was down. Our mums weren't as involved in those meetings but they stayed close in case they were needed. I noticed over several weeks a change in Harriet. She seemed more at ease and her words seldom contained feelings of being worthless. She was more positive than she had been.

It came as a shock when mum and I arrived to see both Harriet and Moira looking as though they had cried all night. Mum hugged them. All Moira would say was she would tell mum when we were in session.

Jonathan took Harriet and I into his room. Even he looked worried. For someone who had perfected a poker face, this was out of character and I wondered what was about to happen.

Harriet spoke first. Her voice showed nerves but resolve, "Tom, over the last few weeks in my own sessions, Jonathan and I have been reviewing the recordings of Bright and myself. As Jonathan said, we never watched the actual rapes, just listened to the words he used. For mum and me, it was bad.

"I'd heard you describe what you found. I read Jonathan's papers. My feeling of guilt wouldn't let me accept Bright and Bright alone was responsible. I shouted at you when you showed such care as it offended me. I needed you to release your fury and blame me. You didn't. It's taken a while for me to be comfortable with blaming Bright on his own. I still have feelings of guilt, shame, and grief but I'm making progress.

"As I listened to those recordings, I heard how he programmed me and how he introduced words which I'd use on you later. This made me feel even worse. I shed more tears than I thought possible. Mum, dad, Jonathan, and your parents have helped me so much. Mum needed your mum to support her. It isn't easy to listen as your daughter is being abused. Jonathan has arranged a colleague to help mum.

"We'd reached the stage where we were going to ask you if you wished to listen to the recordings. You said your anger wouldn't let go of the idea I had to be willing despite what you have learned. Before that, I had something I had to do for my peace of mind. To help me and my guilt. You had said what I looked like, an unfeeling sex doll. I had zoned out somewhere so I wasn't involved. My guilt wouldn't accept that unless I saw for myself. Mum wouldn't leave me to watch alone.

"As you'd expect, it was the most harrowing experience I have somewhat willingly went through. You didn't lie. I knew within myself you wouldn't but my guilt said, "he's sugar coating it for you, you're a slut, a whore." I saw, you told it in extreme detail. I wasn't there.

"Mum and I have done nothing but cry all day and night since. Jonathan had said to let it all go as it was a sign of how much guilt I was retaining.

"Tom, thank you for rescuing me, for supporting me through this journey, helping me accept I did fight it as best I could. I would even add for caring and showing your love. Your caring words have at times meant so much as I expected hate, vile bile, and anger. I never expected compassion, empathy, and love. Thank you for being my Tom!"

Jonathan said quietly, "Tom if you wish to listen to some of the recordings, I have complied a short section which contain the most important parts. We can do that at our next session. It may knock down the last of your anger. As Harriet said, it has knocked most of her guilt but there is still some residue we'll work on.

"She is right on her assessment of you. Once you overcame the heat of your anger, you have moved on considerably. There is a little bit of an anchor holding you, this may be the key but you have to decide for yourself. It will be harrowing. Not just the words but you'll feel the desire rising to do something to stop it then probably feel impotent, anger at yourself as you didn't. You couldn't as you didn't know. Logic and emotion at loggerheads."

Much of the session was taken up with how Harriet was experiencing what she witnessed and how the words I had used in our sessions had helped her. I was as supportive as I could be.

With Jonathan I listened to the recordings and we discussed how the phrasing of the words, the chemical reactions of the drugs and the brain work. It was as close to hypnotism as you could get. I fought against recognising how hard Harriet had fought to make a difference but I had to accept that in the end she had fought for us. My anger was defeated.

Our next joint session, Jonathan came back to our three words.

"Tom, where are you with your anger?"

I looked at Harriet, "I feel I have finally put that aside totally. It may flare up as something happens in the future but I recognise I no longer blame Harriet. I mean what I have said, Harriet, only Bright is responsible. You fought hard for us."