All Comments on 'We Almost Made It'

you have 25% of a story

i'll give you 25% of a score

For an experienced officer from a Criminal Division he sure took his time. Didn't think to search her car first thing? And then you had no real ending. Mediocre poker.

Did u forget the ending?

That's it? Did you get bored?

Good but the ending was just a bit too abrupt for me. Thanka for sharing.

Where is the rest of the story. What is it with authors that can not finish their story.

Good start...now finish the story,!

The story needs an ending. Well written though.

Very good but needs a one to one confrontation.

4 stars

incomplete

AND so???? Where is the rest of the story ????? Load of crap

Very good start. Will there be more?

so where is the rest of the story?

Was he eating the guys cum those times he went down on her?

Great first story!

is the rest of it just another non ending bullshit

Ohhh this need a second part. I dont want to necessarily read how sorry Carol is and its was just sex and not love. I want to read how Mike moves on from this. Based on the character make up from this page he will soldier on and ultimately be fine, but its the little details of his day to day tht interest me. It's the death of a union there will be sorrow and grief, and anger then the ultimate acceptance but how it happens would be an interesting read.

The best part of a BtB is the confrontation with the cheating wife, then the aftermath where the furious husband makes her suffer the consequences for the betrayal. This story had a decent setup, then all the good stuff was missing!

What happens next is what makes a good story. What is here is good. Many authors can kill a good story by rushing or leaving out the conclusion following the discovery. 4* because it is you first story.

Good but too short

Brilliant , what a great piece of police work there ! Caught that slut red handed and burnt her where she stood and without any recourse ! Very good writing especially for a first story . You kept it interesting and fulfilling in only one page , phenomenal ! I gave you 4 stars but you need a last name like king or Koontz , perhaps even Michener or Lovecraft to get a 5 from me ! Lol

Feels like a part one, and in part two he discovers that she was planning their 30th anniversary party. He has no factual evidence that she was cheating, just a few late nights and some time at the hotel (both of which were times met with somebody planning the party) and he has decided to burn her.

Incomplete

Good start, would be great if there were consequences for Jeff.

Great start, needs to be finished

no comment until the story is finished

She was well and truly burned.

To the point and yet, are there really such stupid women who are married to a police officer and don't think about the possibilities he has to uncover their cheating? Nice story!

Wife looks guilty too easily. She should have more composure, but keep going, not a bad start.

Great story except for the ending kind of left you hanging. Many stories on this site do similar ending no a fan, but it’s your story so I’ll just deal with the unknown….

Another story with 5 star potential. BUT...no character development, no exploration of the problem, great plot and setup but no follow thru or conclusion. You blew it. It was like a ruined orgasm. FINISH THE DAMN STORY!!!!!! 1 star.

Bare bones. D

FTDS

Ok, gave it a high rating coz the MC was a no-nonsense man and not a bumbling detective some stories about husbands who is a PI but couldn't even catch the cheating wife.

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And LT225, you know you're going to get BBQed because you didn't finish the story.

Well, if you will make the chapter 2, I'd read it but if you don't bother, then so be it.

Your story was very good. I liked your style. Please write more. Thank you

Is there a Pt2

Brilliant start really liked it but needs a follow-up to finish the story. I gave it 5 stars as it was that good just needs finishing.

sweet turn of a common theme. No violence and a humorous end.

loved it

now her moods can stay the same

fucked up bitch

5* 100 hardons an a tingling in my balls

Damn Story

1* for no ending.

Was this supposed to be a 750 word contest entry?

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The protagonist was a cop nearing retirement, and if he was a good one, he’d pursue all of the details, which the main character did not. He’d want to know Why she cheated, and he’d be askin himself if it was really a big enough betrayal to throw away so many years of marriage. None of this was given to us.

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I get it: your hero was a Real Man, and once he found out his wife was cheating, that’s it, no questions asked, they were done, but in doing so, you gave us a picture of a man who didn’t think, but just reacted.

You have a story where the husband isn't clueless but has likely suffered extreme humiliation because his wife seems to have pulled him into sex, including oral sex, after her cheating episodes. Such betrayal and abuse by someone who "loves" you screams out for retribution. You dropped it on the floor and walked away.

The retribution is the hard work of the story because you need to figure out how to get effective revenge without getting arrested. A couple of centuries ago, the paramour would be shot and the wife turned out on the street branded as a whore. You can't do that anymore no matter how satisfying it might be. In fact, the "normal" process punishes the husband and rewards the cheating wife. A good author has to get very creative to balance things out. You didn't even try.

Unfinished

decent story. 3* it would have been higher but some stories AREN'T flash stories. even another page could have finished it as a short story.

The story is headed for 5*, but it's missing the second half. I'll give it 3* for now and if you finish it, go back and fix it...3*

Anticlimactic, which is not what you want when running through a common story trope.

Excellent!

Just the right stuff, no need for a superfluous ending.

Carol was burnt in place. In demolition terms, "blown in place".

Yes, you could make it longer. Yes, you could drag us through her being served, the evidence gathering, the lawyers, the posturing for a settlement, the decree nisi, and the epilogue... but don't. This was just perfect.

Needs an ending

A good start

to a story. Needs a bit more to be a real story. Thank you.

Good story, a part 2 to finish would be nice 5 *****

Another story with no ending. Is this the new thing in LW?

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"With our tech abilities, we can find information on just about anyone." - I thought we were going to get another high-tech surveillance. We DID see some intel gathering that an ordinary husband wouldn't have access to.

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Why didn't he do the usual and check her underwear while she was in the shower?

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@kelcha, I also thought that she was serving him cream pies. That's something that should have been revealed if the ending wasn't chopped off.

Seems almost dead certain he was eating a second-hand creampie in the first sex scene. Pretty disgusting, and got progressively weirder as it went on.

With no ending ( didn't no how, huh ) all we can assume is that he can get ready to lose half of that fat pension, half of his house, and accused by his kids of being the bad guy. He then becomes so depressed he takes the cop route out and eats his gun, all before changing his beneficiary. Carol and Jeff move in together and live happily ever after on his dime. See how easy it is to end a cuck story!

In what universe does a cop not know that "don't come home" doesn't actually work anymore, in ANY legal jurisdiction left on planet Earth? Good look with that one, dude.

It doesn't matter what happens to the whore, but it would be interesting to know what happens to the bastard...For that 3*

It was too short short, but very enjoyable. He didn't need a confrontation, just getting the evidence he needed and showing her that she was caught was good enough. Also, loved that he took her car battery, that was a nice touch.

5-stars.

Very good for a first effort here. But…..NOT EFFING FINISHED!

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The lack of any explanation for why…when…. The lack of any confrontation. The lack of any DRAMA….. These deficiencies pull this short tale down.

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The essence of a good story about cheating is NOT merely how a spouse finds out….but HOW THEY DEAL WITH IT. Your story ended with the reveal, when there was gold to be mined in learning about WHY and then HOW, if at all, the parties deal with the situation.

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Scoring this is hard, because the writing was pretty good….the plot had promise….and the guy was not a cuck. But stopping midstream pulls it down.

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So 3 encouraging ***. And please consider finishing this 😎

Well done. Well written, well told, nice plot, good pace, I really enjoyed it.

Now please finish it! In all honesty, you did end it in a legitimate spot; sort of the end of the beginning, before transitioning to the denouement. But there’s so much more to be told, lot of meat still on the bone. Actually the best part, for most of us I think, is still to be told. You’ve kind of edged us! Brought right up to the shirt strokes and then stopped. Which is fine, for a while, but we do need the release at some point! Thanks!

Very good fast paced story. What were the lovebirds thinking? Cheating with a policemans wife is NEVER a good idea. I confess that I like a more descriptive BTB or physical/financial destruction of the interloper but it is very obvious that the MC has moved on. Too bad as he must have plenty of contacts that could harm his wife's lover. Since I really njoyed the story and was not distracted by any obvious word mistakes (seam/seems; write/right; wait/weight) it's a short but worthy 5 stars.

Awesome 1/4 of a story! So we’ll written (besides the grammar and spelling errors) but the gist of the story was great! Just a pity you didn’t flesh it out or finish it!

Good writing. I liked the note on the engine and phone call. You can end there if you want but the debrief of the marriage is where the emotion plays out.

At first I felt there should have been more to the story, but really what else is there. For a hot shot detective it took him too long.

Nice start.....

Gross, she got him to eat her cream pie!

Needs another chapter to burn her completely

Scores 4/5

Enjoyed your story. A part 2 would be great!

Juvenile attempt at a short story--no character development, no real plot, no resolution.

Great beginning, but needs and ending. Thanks for a great, though far too short, read.

Good and pretty realistic, would love to read about the fallout. Half of her company belonged to him, and being a cop with cop friends could make the lover’s life quiet difficult

Damn, that was excellent.

I would LOVE to hear the aftermath of that, but, well done, sir.

Gave you 3 stars for a half story. The cop was slow on the uptake even though he "knew' what was going on. He decided to get proof saying he was a man of quick action but after a few weeks of 'knowing' and catching her lying.. ONE DAY to let her confess would be enough. Then he confronts and nothing else. No wrap up. Hope there is a second chapter coming soon.

Not finished

I'm assuming that this author has been reading LW stories on this site, so it's surprising to me that his first submission would be all set up and no finish. There are a few things that will irritate readers in this genre; 'cuck' stories (especially if there is no 'cuck' tag), blatant cheating with no BTB outcome and FTDS submissions. This obviously fits the last category and not surprisingly, more than half the early commenters complain about the story being unfinished. As a first submission it was good for what it was but needed an ending.

As my own personal critique, the author in a number of sentences omitted some words (such as articles) that made the structure clumsy (at least to me). An example would be 'I was thinking calling some of our friends' where I would have expected it to read 'I was thinking OF calling some of our friends' or 'I was thinking ABOUT calling some of our friends'. There are a few other similar sentences where 'A', 'TO' or 'FOR' were left out for a cleaner structure. I've never personally used one, but if you are doing your own editing, besides using a spelling checker, a grammar checking piece of software may catch some of these.

very poor for this site was a detective story with no ending, why bother to read

I liked that a little too much. I liked that the husband didn't use any tech, didn't put a camera in the hotel room, didn't put a GPS on the wife's car, and didn't bug the phones. He just watched and waited. And I liked the legal pad! When it came time for a decision, he took action. I don't need to know what happened next. I know, it's all pain. Good story.

A very good start. For both author and story. Gets a 4. Certainly ripe for a continuation. Either from this rookie or from a veteran. Or maybe another rookie. Anyway, despite the complaints from some commentators that it was incomplete, there was a real burn at the end. Why can't that be enough for now?

Good half a story, please finish this.

I gave it 5 stars because I wanted to encourage you to continue. There is still a lot of mileage left in this story. Your writing is clean and easy to follow, but you need to follow through. Hopefully you continue with the story. It's easy to write this type of story, after all it really is just the introduction of a story. I would like to see if you are more of a storyteller and not a tease. Good luck and keep writing.

Too brief to really pass comment, well written as it stands but no actual confrontation, no emotion or any kind of explanation.

And....

Good first effort! Needs a follow up.

Very good first story. Now the story has many different paths to walk down. Carol stays at the hotel all the while Mike goes home and has a cooling off period. They have a dialogue at the lawyer's office. His buddies at the police force found Jeff is under investigation for human, sex, or embezzlement. He rescues her from kidnap and still dumped her sorry ass. There is no path toward RAAC. The police harass lothario and Mike's friends of less than unsavory friends beat up Jeff on a weekly basis until he leave for parts unknown.

This has the start to a real life reveal. I haven't checked the other comments but I'd bet money most, if not all, are waiting for the next phase of your plan. I should have given it a 4 but it was too good an opening so it got the full five which sets your bar at the top and I hope you can clear it with no problem.

Thought your story great as you left it. Not every story has to be a novel. Don't let the negative comments slow you down.

Nice rendition of a well-trod path. I appreciate the restraint and the lack of physical violence in your story. THANK YOU for a fun read.

Fair first story but you got to the best part of a cheating wives stories and stopped. The confrontation and fall out is what makes the best cheating wife stories. Do consider doing a chapter 2.

part 2?

Should secure monies somewhere before dropping a bomb

Decent story, but the guy hardly faced his problem head on. He avoided it for weeks knowing there was a problem. Silence is not going at the slut.

This is a very tough category to write in. So many stories have been written about infidelity that it is virtually impossible to come up with something original and this author certainly did not. As several commenters said this was fairly will written and if it were continued it might make another run-of-the- mill story of fidelity discovered and punished. But why bother? 3*

Unfinished!

Next part?

FINISH THE DAMN STORY!

Liked it. Probably needs a follow up. Feel incomplete.

Excellent story. Good opportunity for a follow up, but I dont think it is a requirement. Keep writing!

Very good first story.

There are many here who will want you to finish the story...

But I don't mind a good short story where I can imagine all of the stupid cheater cliches from a spouse.

"I was bored. I just wanted to spice things up. It was only sex. It didn't mean anything. I still love you. This will when good for our marriage.. This was a little bump in the road...but we can get past this. I only love you. I want to grow old with you. I was feeling old and unattractive. He made me feel young again. I needed to feel young again. I deserved to have a little fling. I've been a good wife and mother for nearly 30 years...you can't just throw that away. How can we get past this if you don't let me talk with you? We can work through this. Don't let your ego destroy our marriage."

I imagine all of that shit. I imagine how bad it's going to be for Jeff when this detective finds Jeff's wife and shares the info with her. I can imagine the phone calls to their son and daughter. I can imagine the pain of dividing assets. Selling the house. Making a deal with regards to his police pension and the mutually owned real estate closing business...her begging to talk with him. Trying to get him to change his mind.

And him...just turning off all emotions whenever he is around her. Treating her like a suspect he is investigating. How that destroys her emotionally as she realizes the last 25 years of her life she'll be without him.

Not only will he not be with her...but he'll detest her. And she has to live with that.

And things like the marriage of their son. Birth of grandkids. Milestones like graduations and ballgames with grandkids...he'll just ignore her. Other than saying "hi"...he'll be completely emotionless to her.

That's what I imagine their future holds. That's how I imagine the story ends. It's not difficult to imagine.

Loved it !!!!! 5 stars.

Wish for the burn to continue !

For a first story submission, this is a very good effort. I give it 4-stars, as in "I like it" (so far as it went).

At the same time, I find it to be dissatisfying. Why? The simple answer is that I can't tell whether or not you are finished with it. Obviously, there is much more that your story "could" have included. But more wasn't told, and there is no apparent indication of an intent to continue the story.

So, I'm left with the feeling that you may be "feeling out" your readers, in hopes that they will tell you whether to let your story end here, or to continue on with another chapter. That's bad, because it implies that you were unsure which direction to take it from the point where you stopped (BTB, RAAC, etc.), and may want your readers to tell you. Which would mean that your story wasn't even "finished" in your OWN mind ... and that's unlikely to end well for your story. This is especially true in LW category, where it's unlikely you'll EVER be able to please everyone! But, chances are, when you don't choose for yourself, you'll be making some in EVERY faction unhappy.

My advice? YOU are the author, so write your story entirely the way you want to, and then OWN it!

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Lecture is now over! No doubt many will disagree with it. C'est la vie.

Thank you for your effort, and good luck with your future stories!