Werewoman Joni Ch. 01

Next came the trip to Tim and Marci's joint, just half a mile away. Joni's mom fawned all over her daughter, lots of crying. Sure enough, Mom acted dumbfounded and utterly amazed and surprised when Joni showed her the ring. Later, when Rex and the siblings got a load of it, Rex immediately dubbed it not simply "the ring", no, by golly, it became "T-H-E ring". Joni got her bratty little sister a gumball machine ring as a "consolation prize" (and revenge for her sister's snide note about the furniture rearrangement). That got Joni a glare and smirk from her sister.

Joni was adamant about getting onto her feet and out of bed. Her fever had broken and Marci marched her into the bathroom to get her changed out of her sweat-soaked pj's and into a dry set of long underwear and new flannel pajamas - with footies, no less! She ran over to George, hugged him, and asked, "When do we go home?"

George had to fight back tears. "Right now if you'd like. Got nice comforters and an electric blanket ready for you. Doctor tomorrow morning at 8:30 for you." Mom would take the back seat this time with Joni up front with the heater on full blast and wrapped in a comforter. They thanked Tim and Marci over and over. They assured them that they'd be over at George and Joni's place the next day.

Joni added, "Bring your puppy, too, Marci. He's so cute!" Tim and Marci hadn't given the pup a name yet, but he was a feisty little guy, full of energy.

Joni's mom used the key to open the door as George bundled up his Princess and disallowed her from walking into the house unaided. He would have none of that. He carried her over the threshold and kissed her on the cheek as he stepped into the house with her. "You're only supposed to do this on our wedding day." Joni instructed. But George nixed that since Joni was helpless and disabled today and that merited being carried across the threshold, too. When he put her on her feet, still bundled in the comforter, she noted the trash bags and the snide notes. As predicted, Joni was aghast at George's color scheme choices. "You really do need me, George, and you're right. Those curtains are too bland, and they'll have to be changed."

"Now to get some coffee for your mom and me. Instant okay? I haven't unpacked the Mr. Coffee machine yet."

"Sure, and the powdered creamer's fine, too." After coffee, George and her mom got Joni settled into bed. The electric blanket was turned on.

"Okay, now, you get some sleep while I drive your mom home. You hear me now, woman? Get to sleep, or I'll beatcherbutt!"

"Oooo, I'm soooo frightened!" Joni giggled.

"Be back in just a bit." <kiss, kiss, kiss>

When he returned home, he slipped under the covers with Joni, fully clothed, and he knew she'd give him hell in the morning for that. He smothered her with more fairy princess kisses, and they both fell asleep.

Since they were at the doctor's office / clinic early, they got in to see the doctor right away. Joni was feeling lots better but still had diarrhea and some vomiting. The doctor praised Marci's nursing skills, particularly mixing up an isotonic electrolyte drink for Joni even though she vomited almost all of it up. Yep, flu symptoms, alright. Bed rest for the next day, aspirin, isotonic drink, Pepto Blitzmo, and anti-diarrhea caplets. She was on the mend okay. Doctor also gave her a quick pelvic exam and said she was healing up fine there, too. George aplolgetically said he was on a big guilt trip for ripping Joni's insides up. He didn't really think he'd been that rough on her. Joni owned up that she was the one who'd gotten carried away, but she wasn't at all apologetic about that. The Doctor said they could resume in a couple of days, but since Joni was due to start her period, they agreed to give it at least another week. "I'm glad you two have that kind of patience," Dr. Shook told them. "If she relapses, be sure to bring her back in. Otherwise best wishes to both of you. Don't be too hard on yourself, George, you're taking really good care of her."

A short while later at home: "Okay, you heard Dr. Shook. Bed rest for you today."

"Can I stay covered up on the sofa for a while? We need to discuss your awful color choices on those curtains, and I need to do the laundry."

"Oh, no, you're not. I'll do the initial load. Thou shalt not exert thyself this day. Y'hear me?"

"Yes, m'lord," mocked Joni. She covered her head with her left hand and bowed three times. "Salami, Salami," and on the third bow she raised her middle finger, "Baloney!"

"You've been watching too many cartoons. By the way, we're only gonna get the standard 2, 5, and 7 and 46 on UHF until we can get CATV installed. When that's done, you can watch Cincinnati's 9 and 12 and pull in Uncle Al and Skipper Ryle. Until then, it'll only be Captain Kangaroo for you!"

Joni stuck out her tongue. George did a triumphant ha-ha.

"Looks like I'm not going to be able to use my bachelor blue jeans laundry method anymore with you around."

"Oh, what laundry method?

"Well, I normally take a pair of worn jeans, like these," George said casually, picking up a dirty pair of his blue jeans that he had purposefully 'planted' on the kitchen floor, "and then I throw 'em up against the wall. If they fall down immediately, they're okay to wear again for at least another day. But if they stick momentarily to the wall before sliding down to the floor, then they're grungy enough to justify laundering. Here, lemme show ya." George tossed the jeans up against the metal door of the new refrigerator. There was a light "clack" as they hit the door. Sure enough, they stuck for a moment and then slid slowly to the floor. "Okay, laundry fodder!"

Joni was suspicious at hearing the "clack" and had George hand her the jeans. He did, and she fished through its pockets and discovered the magnet. "Aha! A laundry magnet!"

George grinned sheephishly. He was becoming aware that Joni was not only intelligent, but she was also observant and didn't miss a trick. Nothing dumb about this gal!

Then George put on a serious face as he sat down next to Joni. "Honey, I noticed how you got everything neatly folded into our chest-of-drawers in the bedroom..."

"George, what's the matter, why are you about to cry?"

"I noticed that almost all of you lingerie and socks where either threadbare or re-stitched, two of your bras were being held together with safety pins. Honey, I will not have my woman going around clothed shabbily. You obviously took only your very best stuff with you on the trip. I can and will do better for you. Tomorrow, if you're up to it, you and I are going shopping. You're to get new undies, bras, hose, sox, a couple of women's dress suits, a couple of new dresses, and several pair of shoes, and that'll include bedroom slippers. Your current pair has been stitched over with dental floss. I don't want to hear any protests about the expense. Tim and I are now beginning to see royalty checks from the patents we've been granted. That's how we could buy these houses. Another thing: I know you're as independent as a hog on ice, but when we're out together, I want to treat you like the lady that you are. I want to open doors for you, including the car doors, seat you at a table when we're out to eat. Trust me, other women will notice how you get treated. My mom can attest to that. I was raised to be a gentleman, and I don't want my grandpa climbing out of his grave to 'git' me if I don't treat you right. Tim was raised similarly and that's why you see him doting on Marci like he does."

"Hold me, George." He gently embraced her and held her face in his hands.

"We'll need to get more groceries in, too. I've only gotten stuff I like to eat. That's why there's oatmeal, pancake mix, syrup, Grape Nuts Flakes and Cheerios in the 'fridge and cabinets so far. Didn't get any hot dogs or mustard or ketchup or mayo yet. So grab the notepad and let's start getting it all jotted down, frozen food items, veggies, small box of milk bones for Marci's pup when he's over here, stuff like that. Need to get milk and fruit juices while you're still on the mend. Let's see, what else... eggs, peanut butter, jelly, more coffee, tea, flour, sugar. We're starting from scratch here, so salt and pepper, other spices."

"I'm not much of a cook, George."

"Neither was my mom when she and Dad started off. We'll learn together. Oh, yeah, and cookware, cutlery, a set of dishes. All we got now are paper plates, Dixie cups, and plastic utensils. You pick it all out. I'm a tasteless bum when it comes to that stuff."

"Yeah, tell me 'bout it!" Joni sighed pointing to the throw rug and curtains.

"I thought that stuff would motivate you. Looks like I was right! And you'll need to pick out a couple of new sets of bed linens, bed's a queen size. I only got a navy blue set for now and a plastic lined mattress cover for those monthly visitors you get. But here again, you pick 'em out. It'll prove you give a sheet <wink!>. Go ahead and finish off a list for tomorrow. I'm headed to the bathroom to lay out towels and washcloths, put soap on the sink and bathtub, and lay out toothbrushes and such. Only got a set of white towels for now, but you pick out what you want for the long haul."

"Can we get us a bath mat and a set of scales?"

"Sure, put 'em on the list. We'll have to visit several places and perhaps make several trips, but we'll get it all together eventually. Do you want me to install a bidet in there?"

"What's a bidet?"

Oh, it's one of them fancy French pussy-wash hoses on toilets. You also see them all over Europe and Asia nowadays."

"Yeah, good idea. I want to keep as clean as I can for you."

"For me? No, for us! Now, gimme kiss!"

"Let me try a little OJ and maybe a little instant oatmeal. My appetite is beginning to return. Can we also get us one of those metal wire rack shelves to put around the toilet? I could use some shelving in there to put all my tubes and bottles of 'goo' as you like to call all that stuff."

"Goo... I got carried away on the Gatlinburg trip as you smeared that smelly Vas-o-line lanolin goo all over your arms. I suppose I had it coming when you smeared a handful of it into my hair when I karaoke-ized 'Goober Peas' with 'Goo, goo, goo, goo, smearing on her goo. / Fragrant a medic'nal, smearing on her goo!' I had no idea you'd be that quick to retaliate, that and I was sitting right next to you."

"Maybe when we tie the knot, I'll have to take on the surname of 'Cartwright' instead of Mercer, 'cuz all I seem to be doing nowadays is fixing your wagon!"

"Ha, ha, ha! You might be right. Good thing my mom wasn't there to see that happen. She would've congratulated you, just like Marci did when she high-fived you for that."

"Well, I'm trying to keep my word to your mom about getting you straightened out and civilized, you uncouth lout!"

Doorbell rang. Tim and Marci. The dog's conditioned on doorbells already, but they were still outside. Made no difference to the dog, doorbell rang, time to bark, and he did! And he's got a name now, too, Mitchell. As soon as Marci put him on the floor, George got down there and was patting the floor with his palms, "Come here to Uncle George, Mitchell, and let Uncle George ruff you up. Giddy-giddy-giddy-giddy!" That's all it took to rile Mitchell up into the rowdy-ass pup that he was. George grabbed a small length of rope from the floor and got Mitchell to play tug-of-war."Gimme dat rope, Mitchell, mine, grrrrrrr, mine!" That went on for a few minutes while Marci checked out Joni. Tim had brought over some subs. "All we got right now is some ginger ale and Dixie cups," George growled upward and he lifted up Mitchell to give him some puppy loves and puppy kisses to the squirmily wormily pup. Tim also hauled his bass out of the car so that he and George could piece together a new double bass line to the Outsiders "Time Won't Let Me." Original recording only used one bass, but Tim's double bass line was novel and well worth the shot. Before Joni would let George touch a piece of the sub, she ordered him over to the kitchen sink to worsh and reench (Kentucky for "wash and rinse') his "hainds."

"Joni's starting to show signs of an appetite, so we might want to see if she can handle a couple bites of sub. Watch the jalapeno's, Marci. She can't tolerate them any more than I can. I know Tim eats 'em like candy, though. Do they still make him blow smoke rings out his butthole, Marci?

"Yeah, and you can see the smoke stains in his undies when I hang 'em out on the clothesline to dry!" Tim rolled his eyes.

"Reminds me," said Tim. "I wonder if Mark ever truly got over the shock on Aril Fool's

Day when his girlfriend Sharon saw him bend over and displayed his undies and his butt crack. Sharon reached over, pulled up on his skivvies and gave him a wedgie! She pulled a little higher, and the entire elastic band of his undies ripped off the top and when she let go of it, it snapped against his tummy and looked like a garter. And she sang, 'Markey's got a garter, Markey's got a garter!' Mark dropped to his knees and laughed harder than I've ever seen him laugh. His mom and dad where there, too, and they went nuts, too. Sharon was undeterred and recited and alternate version of one of our favorite childhood poems: 'Long John Silverware, Markey lost his underwear. Markey say "Me no care, Sharon buy me 'nother pair.' And she did, too, a pair of polka dot boxers to replace his wedgied briefs. She made him change clothes and model 'em, too, the next weekend at a family gathering over at Mark's folks' place. That was a hoot. Marci dared Sharon to put money in Mark's waistband like women do at bars that feature them male dancers. Sharon rolled up a 20 and tucked it into the waistband of Mark's boxers as George and Mark's dad held up a bamboo pole while Mark did a pole dance. Mark's mom laughed so hard that the poor woman peed her pants on the sofa. Sharon joked about throwing a panty party one fine April Fool's Day to see if she could get Mark to repeat the performance."

Mark's sister had threatened to call the Vatican and have Mark excommunicated to Purgatory for the lewd daincin' an' sangin' (Kentucky for 'dancing and singing'). And, of course, Purgatory's where ya git sent to hayil for a spayil t' git raht agin. Kentuckians can translate that.

Joni was cracking up. "Would Mark actually do it again?"

Marci hooted, "Ha! Mark? Oh, hell yeah he'd do it again. And hang on to your hat, girl, 'cuz you've snagged a man who's just as crazy. You get George cranked up like that, and you'll need either a straightjacket or a leash to control him! But neither Mark nor George ever drink enough to ever get drunk and really wild. Thank goodness, neither does Tim."

"I'll keep that in mind next time we're at his church. I'll have a leash handy if those harem girls get too close to him." That got a grimace out of George. Since the harem-scare 'em's usually followed close behind George in the line that shook the preacher's hand after the church sermon, the plan would be to have George present Joni to the preacher and have her hold up her and to show the preacher T-H-E ring in full view of Susan et al. Hopefully, Joni thought, that will put a stop to that crap. "How come Sharon didn't come with us to Gatlinburg?"

"Oh, she's an RN and she can't cut out of nursing duties very often or for any length of time," Tim offered. "But she occasionally comes to some of our local concerts when she can. You'll like her, Joni. She's a lot of fun. She works at Good Samaritan Hospital, not too far from Mark's parents."

Can we give Mitchell a piece of ham from the sub?" asked Joni. "I'll bet he's hungry."

"Oh, he's like Tim when it comes to food, a bottomless pit and always hungry!" Marci explained. "Sure give him a little piece. We don't have him trained yet to beg, but that'll come for sure. Tim's determined to train him to beg and howl on command. That ought to be fun. Tim's dad drove his mom nuts when their dog learned to howl on command." The puppy was taken out to pee in the fenced-in front yard.

"Joni will need to start driving tomorrow. She's got a license, but she's rarely ever gotten an opportunity to actually drive. Gotta get her on my insurance policy, get her on a health plan, and get her another bank account. Her health plan from her restaurant job doesn't cover much of anything. With as much stuff that I've got to get changed so that she's got power of attorney, I'm half temped to just have us go see a J.O.P. and tie the knot. But we have to wait."

"Marci and I have been thinking the same way, but we have to wait, too."

Joni then told Marci her Mrs. Cartwright joke, and made her laugh. Tim topped it by saying that if he ever finds Aladdin's Lamp and the Genie only grants him one wish, it'll be to have the Genie deposit a quarter into their bank account every time Marci says "I toooold you." That'd make them millionaires by this time next year. Marci pinched Tim for that as he laughed.

Joni pinched George, too. "Hey, what was that for?"

"For encouraging him!" Joni and Marci did another high-five.

"Tim, reminds me, has that leak at you water meter out by the street stopped after you turned the water on and off?"

"Nope, still oozing water."

"Okay, let's mosey down to the hardware store and get us a small shovel and a mattock and see if the leak is above the water meter. If it is, then it's the city of Dayton's problem to fix it. We've still got enough daylight to do that. Lemme fetch my flashlight just in case, though. Girls, Tim and I will be back in a little while. We'll get a 5 gallon bucket to fill with water in the house in case the ooze bursts into a major break. If that happens, you and Marci can double up with us here. The sofa is also a hide-a-bed."

Sure enough, it was a job for the city water crew to fix, but the guys filled up a 5 gallon bucket just in case. They'd get a small bag of dog food to keep at George and Joni's place just in case. Marci had been coaching Joni on how to do bookings for Asgard in the ledger book. One day they'd get a computer with a spreadsheet program to help do that. Joni made copies of phone numbers of Asgard contacts when Joni needed to help with bookings.

Asgard had a high school sock hop booked two weeks hence. That's where Susan attended. She will have seen T-H-E ring at church before then, but Joni was going to be there at that sock hop nevertheless, just to make sure that Susan had gotten the message by that time. Joni's proclamation was a no-damned-kidding edict: The only pastel panties that George was ever going to allowed to see from now on were going to be worn by Joni. Period! End of issue!

"Okay, now," said George, "Time to take your temperature with this neat-o infrared ear canal thermometer. You're jumping around like an organ grinder's monkey, though. I wish you'd hold still for just a moment."

Joni playfully countered with, "Well, I wish you'd just kiss my ass!"

George instantly stood up straight, his limbs and arms beginning to stiffen and make robotic movements. He winked and Tim and Marci. They'd seen this routine before and were already grinning ear-to-ear. "Whiiiiirrrr, clinkit-clinkit, whiiiiirrr, voobit-voobit!" Then he began his robot spiel in a monotone: "I am the robotic wish-granting genie. I have taken control of George's body until wish-granting sequence completed. Voobit-voobit!" Then, turning toward Joni, the robot stepped forward with arms outsretched Frankenstein-style. "Must grant wish. Must pull down panties... voobit-voobit, clinkit-clinkit, whiiiiirrrrrrr!"

Joni was having none of this. "George, you're not gonna kiss my ass here. We've got company!" She took up a defensive judo stance.