What a Shortstop Does Ch. 20-24

"Thanks, June."

June nodded and put the bottle in an upper cabinet then switched off the kitchen light and went to her room.

Sarah took off her shoes and coat, texted Kate that all was well, well-ish. Then she slipped back into Ro's room and closed the door.

Ro was now on the floor, playing with a pale green tutu with little gems around the edge. Sarah handed her a glass of water, which she took, thankfully, without argument.

"I'm sorry you lost today." Ro's voice was quieter.

"Thanks, but they were a better team. We'll have to get 'em next year." She sank onto the floor with Ro. "Want to tell me what's going on?"

Ro sighed. "I got a job. I start next week so I've got to get packed. Kate's going to store some of my stuff. I can only bring a few things with me."

Sarah felt she was missing something here. She dreaded the answer but had to ask the question. "What's the job, Ro?"

Ro's eyes filled with tears and she looked away.

"Ro, come on. You have to tell me eventually."

A shaky breath that caught with a sob escaped before Ro began. "Look, I don't have much choice, right? I have a dance degree. Well, part of a dance degree. And I can't afford the other part right now, not without my parent's help. Dad called today by the way. They won't be helping me with tuition or anything while I insist on living a lifestyle contrary to our beliefs." She paused to sneer, but choked up again. "Even with the scholarships I managed and the pay from the shows I have so far, it's not enough for tuition and rent and food. With this job, room and board are covered and I'll be paid. And I'll be performing! It's really perfect. If I don't join now, there won't be any spots left in the busy season. I've got to go, Sar."

Her voice cracked and broke through her speech as she avoided Sarah's eyes.

"What's the job, Ro?" Sarah felt a heaviness in her own chest as she repeated her question in a whisper.

Ro finally looked up to Sarah's face, "I'll be performing for a cruise line. I'll be on board entertainment for the Carribean season."

"Oh."

Her hands were caught by Ro's slender ones, "It's going to be the best," she sounded more like she was convincing herself, "I'll go next week to learn the first routines and sail in sixteen days. It's only six months and I'll be able to come back and get a job or go out again for the winter season if...if-"

She stumbled as a storm cloud grew on Sarah's face, "Six MONTHS?!"

Ro stuttered, "Well, yeah, it's a six month contract."

Sarah yanked her hands away from Ro. "You're leaving next week for six MONTHS and you just decided to tell me?!"

Ro didn't answer, she just looked down at her empty hands.

"What about finishing your degree? What about fall classes? The dance program? Your friends? ME?" Sarah stood up and was pacing around the cluttered room now.

More tears spilled onto Ro's cheeks and her shoulders started to shake. "I can't, Sarah, I can't afford it. I have to go. It's a job."

"There are jobs here! You can work anywhere, grocery stores, local theaters, coffee shops-"

"And where would I live?" Ro snapped. A fire had started behind Ro's voice and Sarah's mind screamed danger, but she didn't listen.

"Where? With your friends! You think we'd let you end up on the street? You could come home with me! My parents would be happy to have you-"

"Your parents who don't even know that we're together?" Ro slowly rose from the floor. "How would they feel, Sarah? Your lesbian lover, down on her luck, thrown out by her own parents, moving in to work at the local Seven Eleven? Scraping pennies and wishing on a star to have enough for tuition next year? No, no thanks."

"But, Ro, I'm going to tell them, they'll know-"

"Like hell you are! You've had months, Sarah! I've waited MONTHS!"

"It's not that easy!"

"'Mom, dad, I'm gay. This is Ro, my girlfriend.' Yeah, you're right, really fucking difficult!" They were both shouting now and Sarah felt vaguely sorry for June in the next room.

"You know that's not what I meant. Ro, I want to tell them about you, I do, but-"

"I'm done waiting, Sarah," Ro wasn't yelling anymore. Her voice was low and calm. Somehow it was so much worse. "I'm leaving for Florida on Monday. I have to drive because I can't afford a plane ticket. We start rehearsals on Thursday. I'll stay in a dorm with the other performers, then we set sail after that."

"So that's it? You're leaving?"

"Yes, Sarah. And," she took a deep breath, wiped a tear on her sleeve, squared her shoulders, "And I hope that someday you can find someone worth coming out for. Or just finally come out for yourself."

Sarah felt like she'd been slapped. "That's it?" she squeaked out again.

"That's it." Ro flinched, but her resolve didn't waiver.

Her lungs stopped working, she choked, her chest heaved. Sarah felt like a lead balloon was expanding in her chest, crushing her lungs and organs. Ro's face was cold, frozen. She didn't show any acknowledgement that Sarah's body was killing itself right there in her room. What happened? Ro had seemed glad to see her at first. Was this alcohol? No, Sarah realized, this was months in the making. She needed out.

Sarah turned and fled. Ro's door banged open behind her and June came out of her room to see what the commotion was. Sarah barely stopped to grab her coat and shoes. No sounds of Ro followed her. She kept running into the parking lot and peeled out. Driving with her chest collapsing was probably a bad idea, but Sarah wasn't listening to reason. She was only trying to force air into her lungs. Finally parking at her dorm, she fell apart in her car. Sobs racked her chest and her shoulders slumped pitifully.

She wasn't sure how long she cried in her car before a soft tap on the window brought her back. Carly.

"Sar? You should come up."

Sarah looked at her, bewildered that Carly knew she was out here.

"Um, Ro called. She wanted to make sure you made it here." Carly shrugged. Sarah let her roommate lead her up to their room. She was vaguely aware of a soft hand on her shoulder, helping her to her bed. Then Sarah was alone again to cry out any tears she still had left.

Chapter 24: Home

If Sarah could be glad for anything, she was at least grateful Ro had waited until exams and softball were over to dump her. She was utterly useless with a broken heart. Carly had to force food on her and make her get up and shower that first day. Later that night, she got a text from Tara asking if she was okay. Ro must have told them. That somehow made it more official and brought on a new wave of sadness for Sarah. She wasn't usually a crier, even now, it was more pain and difficulty breathing than actual tears. But, god, it hurt.

Carly was packed and ready to go the next day before Sarah had finished emptying her dresser. Being the true friend she was, she stayed and David came over to help her pack up. She hadn't heard from Ro again and hadn't tried texting her.

"Sar?"

"Hm?" Sarah had been staring into space with half her bathroom stuff in a box on the counter in front of her.

"Do you want some help in here?" Carly placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

Sarah put on a brave face. "No, I'm good. This is the last of it. You guys should go. I know you wanted to be back for dinner with your family."

Carly pulled her into a tight hug. "I love you, Sar. I'm so sorry. We'll talk tomorrow okay? And anytime you need."

"Thanks, Carly," Sarah whispered into her roommates' shoulder. Her chest was starting to tighten again and she wanted them to go before another wave hit her. "Have a great summer."

David and Carly brought a few boxes down to her car for her on their way out, both giving her apprehensive looks.

When she was finally alone, Sarah collapsed onto her bare mattress and gave in to the hyperventilating. Few tears fell, but her whole stomach, chest, throat ached. Vaguely she wondered if this is what a panic attack felt like. Her anxiety had never been bad enough to elicit those, but she'd witnessed enough from friends to know it was a similar reaction. But why was she panicking anyway? The logical part of her brain was fighting hard for control over her emotions. So what, her first girlfriend dumped her. That's how love worked right? Oh, shit. Love? Yeah, Sarah loved Ro. That's probably why this hurts so much.

An hour and a glass of water was enough to bring Sarah back to normal breathing at least. She forced herself to act. Somehow, without Carly there, her brain shut off and muscles took over. She packed the rest of her stuff, called her parents to let them know she'd be leaving soon, and turned in her keys to the R.A. drop box.

The drive home was dull. Usually she called Ro or played music, but all Sarah wanted now was silence.

_ _

"Sarah, what's wrong?" It was dinnertime again and Sarah was home from teaching her softball camp with both her parents at the table for once. She looked up as her mother caught her eye over the plates.

"Nothing. I'm fine." They'd asked her this question before. For weeks actually, they'd asked how she was, but backed down when she said she was fine, just tired, or some other excuse.

"Sarie, honey, you're not fine," her dad responded. Ah, so this was to be an attack on both fronts. She sighed.

"The first few weeks we did believe it was the tournament loss, but it's been two months and you're still...I don't know. Down? Is it being home?" her mom asked.

"No, Mom." Sarah put down her fork. She wasn't hungry anyway.

"Do you need to talk to someone? There's no shame in asking for help if you need it." Her dad had a lot of good friends in psychology.

"It's not that. I'm just..." she was what? Broken-hearted? But how could she explain that without admitting why?

She didn't give her parents enough credit, "Is it someone at school, maybe?"

Sarah sighed again. She hadn't spoken to Ro since that night in her apartment. Ro had reportedly changed numbers because she was traveling internationally. Her social media was full of pictures of her on a cruise ship, beaches, performing on the stage. All shallow, fun stuff with an ever present cast of young twenty-somethings equally as beautiful. The few times Sarah had talked to Kate or Tara they'd mentioned Ro was enjoying the job, but never mentioned many specifics.

"Honey," her mom leaned forward, reaching across the table for her hand, "You don't have to tell us. But we're worried about you. You're not happy, not sleeping well, and you're losing weight."

The weight loss was something Sarah had been trying to ignore. She knew it was a problem as an athlete, losing muscle mass like that, but she couldn't bring herself to eat enough to make up for it. She wasn't sick, it wasn't an eating disorder really. But anytime she ate until full, that horrible choking feeling would start in her throat and difficulty breathing would rack her chest, so she just ate a little less. Her parents noticing somehow made it worse, her eyes burned with hot tears.

"Oh, Sarah." Her mom got up from the table and rushed around to put an arm around her. "I know we don't talk about these things, but you seemed so happy this year, we, uh, wondered if it might have been because you met someone? But now, what happened, honey?"

"Please talk to us, Sarah. We're worried," her dad begging to talk about something other than medicine or sports was disarming. And Sarah was tired.

She let out a breath and leaned into her mom's side hug.

"Yeah, I was seeing someone, but I got dumped right before I came home for the summer. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't mean to make you worry."

Her mom pulled her into a real hug, which was a bit awkward sitting in a dining room chair. "Do you want to talk about it? Was, uh, this person someone you've been seeing for a while?" She noticed her mom looked over her shoulder to meet her dad's eye. Some sort of silent communication. Wait, person? Had her mom just said person. Not "guy".

Well, Sarah took a shaky breath while her parents waited patiently, out with it I guess.

"We met at a party right before school started last fall. I guess we officially started dating around Thanksgiving. It was really good, Mom. But," Sarah felt her eyes begin to spill the tears, "I was afraid, god, that sounds so stupid. But I was, am. And now she's gone. Ro's gone!" It was the first time Sarah had said her name in months. "Because I couldn't tell you, I couldn't bear to think you guys would react the way her family did. Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

_