All Comments on 'What did She Say?'

Well, who was there? Tina? Sara? Is this a Mistaken Identity story, typos about names, or...?

It took me reading it twice to realize the husband, who was never named, said Tina, because Sara had told him "Tina" was a hand full and she regretted inviting her on her Malta trip. So, while Lucy was giving Sara a tongue lashing, when hubby called Sara, Tina, being facetious. Guess the game is up.

I really don't like these flash stories. There just too short to get the whole story told. Makes me feel like I need more. There really just an idea for a story.

Ah.....?

Began as a very good story. Ended with a lot of questions.

Way to short to be coherent.

Go back to the basic parts & see where you totally failed.

Bill S.

What was this?

I'm sorry to say, but this tale had potential that was ruined by a clumsy "finish". I too was confused as to who was blaming who at the end. When it first began I thought you may have been influenced by RichardGerald's "Another Love"

What the fuck? That’s five minutes I’ll never get back.

What was this? What happened here? Who is who? Divorce? Crazy?

so you are prejudiced, are you afraid of Spanish men? Do you find them to hot and sexy? Does that make you feel insecure? *

Carlo Ribeiro had been everything I'd disliked about a person; arrogant, Spanish

Convoluted is correct. I got lost in the names. Who’s Tina??

WTF???

Who's Tina??

strange

Incomfuckingplete

finish the fucking thing already

Please re-write the story after proof reading it. this was WAY too confusing!!!!!

Who the hell is Tina?

This is just confusing. Makes zero sense.

It might have made sense to you. Not to anyone else.

Hoping there is more because this makes no sense.

Pathetic

WTF. Who is Tina?

I'm confused.....

No clarity with this one, don’t worry about the number of words written providing you tell the actual story to its conclusion.

No character development, no idea about anything really.

Makes no sense. Lucy reintroduces herself to him and refers to meeting him at his wife's art gallery so surely she knows who his wife is? How is it then that she appears to confuse his wife sister Tina as his wife? Makes no sense. Oh, I've already said that.

When you write a story targeted at a specific number of words, make sure you identify who the characters are, RHEN edit for brevity.

An editor would have told you that your story missed properly naming the characters, and as a result, the story makes little sense.

It required only one point five minutes to achieve 750 words, and it reads much better. ( heard a voice from behind, and looked over to the speaker? Author must have submitted his 20 minute hash, not his final piece. Feckless story, and hopelessly elementary.

Was it established Tina was married?

I suppose he might be upset she took his wife’s name.

I suppose he might be upset she was carrying on with his wife’s biggest client.

I suppose he might be upset his wife didn’t tell him about slutty SIL.

Why Lucy was such a bitch is unclear. How a woman who knew who he was, who supposedly met his actual wife at that art exhibit would make that mistake seems odd

The Japanese can draw an egret with a very few lines, leaving suggestions for the rest of the bird.

We now see what happens when a those few lines are left out.

Embarrassing.

Wow - a great example of what happens when you don't have an editor!

This story is much like overhearing a conversation where you hear the middle of the story but are too late for the beginning and must leave before the narrator finishes it It is like riding in an elevator and hearing two people talking. You feel like not getting off at your floor so you can find out what they are talking about and how it ends. You spend the rest of the day imaging what exactly, they had experienced.

So basically the sister Tina was impersonating Sally. The problem with that is the woman had met Sally at the Gallery opening,so would know what she looked like. Unless she and Tina are identical twins wouldn't work.

It would appear that Lucy has confused Tina (the sister, by the way) with Sara. Tina is the one who was involved with Carlo - but Lucy thinks the personal fooling around with Carlo was the MC's wife, hence why she thought "ex-wife".

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This explains why Lucy was shouting at Tina (thinking she was having an affair), and why *Lucy* wasn't the one who wanted the explanation. It was *Tina* who wanted it - an explanation as to why Lucy was yelling at her when (with no other indication as to Tina's relationship status) she did nothing wrong. I presume the last line was spoken by the MC, who as figured out the mix-up (see: Sara's comments re: Tina's behavior in Malta), and is asked more wryly than with anger.

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The main things that confused me were: why would Lucy think the MC would know how an "ex"-wife was holding up after Carlo's death, and why Lucy would recognize the MC (even after several years), but not know Sara vs. Tina. Lucy, you got some 'spainin to do!

Andyhm you blew this one. Way to brief; way to many open ends hanging. You freely acknowledge you could not make it 750 words but still clipped the story - dumb or you forgot to write what was in your mind.

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For one Anon with a comprehension issue, Tina is his slut-wife's sister. That last sentence had NO 'Context' to create a story ending direction, solution or twist.

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2*, for this waste, a few more paragraphs could have easily made it a 4* surprise

Apparently, you can't write a 750 story, because at the end of it, people are left wondering what you actually meant to tell us, since it's confusing AF. Epic fail.

Too convoluted. Nothing to explain Tina being the target of Lucy's wrath. 3/5.

great introduction to a story,

so you should go ahead and finish it.

Excellent story. Will there be a follow up?

Well you certainly piqued the old curiosity and comments now didn't you?🤣

The premise was interesting but the 750 word restriction ruined this for me. I didn't catch the switch at the end until I read some comments and double checked, mainly because it's short and I'm not great at remembering names so not 'getting to know' a person it's hard for me to get that name stuck in the old noggin. And that name switch twist at the end was the whole point of your story, without that the entire story falls flat and you are left with an abrupt ending and no point to the tale. I think without the restriction of ~750 words, you could have fleshed this out somewhat into an interesting story.

Full Disclosure here, personally I don't like the format and usually I avoid the stories I'm offered unless it's a writer I enjoy that I think can do something interesting in the space allowed. The crux of your story revolved around a character we know absolutely nothing about, except that she's our MC's sister-in-law. Is Tina married? We don't know. Why did Lucy get Sara and Tina mixed up? She'd been to Sara's gallery showing where she'd been managing 'Carlo', I'm assuming that Tina wasn't walking around at the time for her to get the mix up started. We only really hear about Tina in one paragraph where she's mentioned as being Sara's sister and 'a handful' but nothing else until the end. I think you should understand what I'm getting at; there's just not enough information supplied for the pay off you were going for. With a word count restriction your supplied information has to be clear and simple otherwise your audience will struggle.

Huh?

I’m sure this was meant to be very “clever”, but in the haste to cut the word count to 750, important information was left out. Several have “guessed” what the twist was supposed to be, but due to the lack of information there are multiple versions. As a result this story falls flat instead of clever and is well on its way to being your worst score ever. I’ve skimmed a hundred or so comments and very few are complimentary. Better luck next time.

Confused.

@Unassigned said it all at the end of his comment...Why didn't she know all that? 2*

A touch vague for my liking.

Needs a follow up and a better ending

Andy, your writing was not good enough for the 750 word story format✍️.

Stay with the longer story format.

Your friend

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AMerryman

WHAT? To borrow from the story: “I was trying to understand the convoluted conversation “. Too short. Aside from being Sarah’s sister who is Tina and why do we and story MC care that she was in Malta with Carlo? Is Tina married? Why did Sarah go to Malta? Too many unknowns to understand the story. The “surprise “ ending was a mis because of all the confusion.

You technically write well. Start a new story with what you hopefully learned from the feedback.

Gave it a 2 because of the ending. I thought he was married to Sara. What has Tina got to do with what is going on? Salvage this by finishing the story.

Dumb

Oh please say you're going to continue this!!!

I may be a tad obnoxious but this "gyjunkie" fella below must have had a very hard time in reading and comprehension when in school...

yes , had promise then the twist at the end that left me like others confused, without further explanation it is a mistake, a twist in the plot? who knows?

Sadly, some authors cannot handle the 750 word challenge well. A reader should finish the story and feel like they got everything they needed from it. They should not finish, sit back and go “WTF?”

I don't understnad this ending.

Version 1: In the last sentence there should be Sara instead of Tina. What means Sara had an affair with Carlo for several years.

Version 2: It was actually Tina in the last sentence but this friend thought it was Sara. That would mean Tina had an affair with Carlo but told everyone she is Sara, for whatever reason.

Any other Version I didn't think about yet.

Oh hell, this tale needs to be continued. So much potential. Please say you or someone will complete it. LP

Cofused

This is only the beginning, please continue and finish it, this storey does not do you justice.

I enjoyed the story. While I see that there could be a continuation, you are the author and, for you, that is your decision. I do see someone continuing it… Could it be another hating February thing?

This needs a follow-up story. Flesh out why Lucy is shouting at Tina.

I don't normally complain that a story needs more, but there are so many open questions here that I have to ask for the story to be finished.

Sounds like Tina had been masquerading as Sara?

I would definitely appreciate a follow up story as well, this certainly has my peaked my curiosity. Write on my friend write on.

Eh, sorry - don't really get it...?

The husband is confronting Tina in the last sentence. She was masquerading as Sarah for some reason. Remember his reflection on what his wife Sarah told him about their trip to Malta.

That's how you do a twist, where the narrator isn't in on the twist, lying to us until the end.

You tried to be cute but failed.

"""""Anonymous5 days ago

The husband is confronting Tina in the last sentence. She was masquerading as Sarah for some reason. Remember his reflection on what his wife Sarah told him about their trip to Malta."""""

""""ArdieffArdieff9 days ago

Eh, sorry - don't really get it...?"""" DAMN, I am not the only one who is saying WTF!!!!

This may be a fair prolog, but, story? NO WAY Josay

So I take it that Tina had been using her sister Sara' name while executing the affair? BUT how could she? Since Sara was Carlo's agent and would know something was off between the two sisters. The story set up needs to be better or a continuaton.

lol what? aw this explains the low score

Sorry.

It didn't work for me.

I know it's a flash story, but who is Sarah and who is Tina? And which one was having the affair with Arsehole?

Please give us more.

Short and sweet. I loved it thanks!

So there is no ending

I think the author had in his mind to write a gotcha story and this is what he put out there. The whole story leading the reader to believe the wife is cheating and then in the last sentence turn the whole story around. This author has written some fine stories on this site; this is not one of them.

I think I have spent more time trying to figure out this story than the author did in planning and writing the entire piece. That's it; I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

GARBAGE, no wonder your last editor had a problem with you, is this how you 'finish' all your stories, "Kim" you posted yesterday looks like it will never be finished if this is how you 'end' them, won't bother reading the rest.

"His only redeeming feature was that he was dead"

That's a classic!!!

This story had an original premise, it needed far more

Since you failed at hitting the 750 word mark, I would suggest rewriting it with a focus on telling a good story instead on the number of words in it.

I like it as a base for a longer story. I love your writing skills and story telling and this one opens the door for some follow up by you or somebody else if you were inclined.

Thanks

All the basics are good and the story flows well but the ending needs replaced. Keep working you show real talent.

The ending was nothing. Either got the name wrong or was trying to suggest something. Something that would take about two more pages to explain.

A little more setup of how Tina came to be traveling with Sara, including the fact they are twins, would have made the ending more meaningful. It's too opaque as it's written. Few readers want to put that much thought into a page and a half story.

" She hadn't mentioned it this morning" - ha ha ha😅. I'm going to like this Author.

please finish it.

Nonsense.

LOL short and "sweet"

You don't do 750 word stories by just stopping at 750! In my opinion you should rethink the start and keep going...

Who is Tina?

Yes abrupt but it worked for me. The clue is the first mention of Tina. Search for it and read thr sentence. She was the one who was all over Carlo. Sarah told him she was difficult yo handle on that trip. Lucy can't tell the difference between the two sisters. The MC is the one ask the question in the final sentence.

“Lucy was shouting at a very familiar person who looked shocked. I hurried over, and Lucy wasn't the one who wanted an explanation.

"So, Tina, just what the fuck have you been up to?"”

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The above is the the final words in the story. The author, unfortunately, forces the reader to GUESS a couple key things:

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First — who is the “shocked very familiar person”? Why didn’t the author just name her (or him)?

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Second— if Lucy wasn’t who wanted the explanation, then why in a FIRST PERSON NARRATED STORY, did the NARRATOR say that Lucy wasn’t who wanted an explanation?

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Finally — SOMEONE says “So, Tina, just what the fuck have you been up to?” Again, since this is being told FIRST PERSON, it WAS NOT the narrator who said that!

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Deduction: it was Sara confronting her sister Tina at that point. Sara had likely just walked up to witness Lucy confronting Tina, who Lucy thought was Sara.

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My best guess anyway 😎

Tina was the third person. Remember Sara said Tina was a handful. Tina was definitely Sara's sister, it was stated that Sara went to Malta with her sister. Lucy apparently knows Sara, so she likely wouldn't have mistaken Tina for her unless they were twins or sisters who looked very much alike. Since it wasn't Lucy looking for an explanation, it had to be Sara or the MC, so somehow Tina was messing around with Carlo, and Lucy thought it was Sara. While I'm in the "delightfully ambiguous" camp, it definitely needs more.

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Sara was shocked because she didn't know what Tina had been up to.

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"Tina who?" The Tina who Sara brought along who was a handful.

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There's still the question of why Carlo thinks that he and Sara have been together for a few years, unless it's been Tina all along.

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@Lifckideesplit, yes a Beta reader could have cleared up the confusion, unless Andy wanted it that way!

Who's on first?

UNCLEAR.

Andyhm should pull this and rewrite the ending.

oh more please

I apologize ...

I can't resist:

"Who is on First?" ...

Thankfully this person stopped writing or at least on this site. Imagine, you are walking down a street and all of a sudden you are in a large body of water. That is how I feel when reading these stories. They are either too unorganized, trite or unfinished. Spare us pkease,

Finally readers are giving your stories the score they deserve. This was really really bad. instead of wasting your time writing this crap you should finished your other unfinished crap.

2nd read: I'm embarrassed for the obvious MISS on my 1st read.

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My apologizes and salutes to a sneaky well written TWIST. Looking back I discovered who Tina was - lucky for him he followed Lucy saving his marriage. But did Sara wing Tina's affair?

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5***** Hooyah, Salutes....

Asking way too much of your readers.

Sigh people. It wasn't Sara who cheated. Read the story carefully. Lucy thought it was Sara but it was her sister Tina. And it is almost certainly the MC at the end. Yeesh. Anyways a good but non-trivial read.

Like the reader below I get so frustrated with some of the idiots that have not read the story properly!!! They really should stick to nursery rhymes or maybe more difficult books like Postman Pat or the Hungry caterpillar. Mel B known as Hornydevil47

Very sly, very clever. Thank you