When Is It Ok To Cheat

Many people have strident opinions on adultery. I'm not so against it because, well, I'll tell you:

I have a friend, let's call him Dave, who had an affair. Two of them. Early on in their marriage, Dave's wife, Tanya, lost her uterus; they couldn't have children and couldn't adopt because of David's past drug usage [reformed crackhead] or something in his record; as a result--or maybe she was mostly always this prudish--Tanya didn't enjoy sex, gained a lot of weight and went into premature menopause. Tanya admitted to being depressed. So, not being a non-social person, Dave eventually hooked up with a dance partner and they went dancing and had sex a lot. She was married too. Let's call her, Nomeda. But that was after more than 20 years of faithful marriage, during which, Dave realized he had opportunities to cheat. Dave was a good looking, if short, guy with an engaging manner. He had never really used it to get laid, more just to be friendly.

Dave was born and grew up in the Eastchester, NY in 1962, the last of 6 children. Dave was seven years younger than his sister, the only girl in the brood. Dave was an accident. But perhaps a lucky-for-him accident. You see, Dave's father, a college-educated Black man from Danville Virginia, and Dave's mother, from Winston, NC, met at North Carolina A&T and moved to New York after finishing their undergrad degrees. But in the 1950s, their opportunities were limited by, I guess, having 4 children to raise and not being able to find meaningful "office" work. Dave's father had worked in factories and other labor suited to negros while he attended law school. Dave's father eventually opened a used furniture store and did furniture moving, but with now five little ones to feed and a stay-at-home mom--she had some work as a substitute teacher but was limited by childcare availability/cost--things were tough and there were times when the house was cold for lack of oil purchased. But Dave was "the Baby" and his world was good.

Eventually, the family prospered: Dave's mother became a social worker in the Bronx and Dave's father got a job with what would become Amtrak in their reservations department as a supervisor. Things were looking pretty good for the family, especially Dave, who was maybe the smartest of a very intelligent brood. All children were expected to go to college and were too small to make careers of sports. Dave was the third shortest in his class for most of elementary school. But that didn't really stop Dave from being a happy kid because Dave learned that he might be short, but he was athletic. He could catch a ball and throw one, throw one in a hoop, just not as big as most. So life was good, until it wasn't.

In early May, 1972, less than a month after Dave's tenth birthday, a tall stranger rang the doorbell at Dave's house. Dave's dad was at work--he worked the 4-12 pm shift at Penn Station--so Dave's mom answered the door. The stranger was not friendly, and Dave's mom was not happy after the conversation. For a moment, Dave had a bad feeling about what the visit was about. But Dave was 10, just 10 actually, and these thoughts were overtaken with playing and the Jackson 5 and the fine girls next door. Many years later he would look back on this day like a Mannix episode: he saw this is the Grim Reaper come calling. Dave wished he had taken a knife and cut the man's Achilles tendon. As it was, a knife would play a pivotal role in Dave's life.

On Friday, May 26th, Dave and his mom were watching the Mets lose to the Cardinals 6-4. At about 9:40 Dave's mom got a phone call. Dave's dad had been in an "accident" and was seriously injured. Another call came at 10:48. Dave's dad was dead. Dave's mom screamed as if she were mortally wounded and Dave knew his dad was gone. He knew the stranger he saw only a few days ago, Eugene Sandford, had taken his father's life. It turned out that Eugene and Dave's father fought over Dave's father's affair.

Dave survived, if not thrived. He was a very smart kid, but he had issues. Without male authority--his brothers all were out on their own by the time Dave turned 12--Dave began misbehaving. It didn't help that Dave's mom developed a gambling problem and that the primary bread winner of the family was gone. Dave and his mom eventually moved out of Dave's growing-up house and into, and out of, different apartments. Dave was left back a couple of times because they didn't have a permanent address. Dave was a terrible high school student and dropped out. Eventually, he became a crack addict. It happened slowly: weed and beer in high school, then a little coke because it was cool after he dropped out. Then free-basing. Dave went from valedictorian of his elementary school class to homeless drug addict in about 15 years. But Dave never fit in with the down-and-outs. Dave had a zest for life. He knew he was destined for better.

The law didn't think so. The law considers black male crack addicts as criminals to be locked up. After his few scrapes with the law: Central Booking in NYC for trying to buy crack at the wrong time; a night in jail in Maumee, OH for throwing some crack away when the police stopped him on-foot; Dave knew he wasn't prison material. So, after some court-mandated testing and abstinence, Dave emerged on the other side. He was now clean and sober but painfully socially stunted.

Dave was insecure. Because he had grown up without a steady home and sometimes without A home at all, he felt he didn't have anything to offer a woman. He was funny, but he was short and black. And, in case you aren't aware, being short in the Black community severely limits your opportunities. And Dave was brought up to be a scholar, not what he was, just a guy who could type. During his recovery, Dave met and married Tanya.

Tanya was a mostly a recluse. Born an only child, she was pretty, but she dressed for herself and didn't seem to need anyone. Dave found that intriguing. Tanya was college educated, spoke perfect English, and was definitely the kind you take home to mother: not a slut, only drank a little, didn't do drugs AT ALL, had gone to Florence, Italy and spoke fluent Italian. It appeared that Dave married up. But Tanya's family was much more ghetto than Dave's, whose family was more Southern Black Baptists, whereas Tanya's family was entrenched in the Northeast, a more ghetto environment for most Black people. They married and life was great until they couldn't conceive a child. Once sex for procreation was unnecessary, Dave wanted to be more free, naughtier. But Tanya became less adventuresome and less interested in sex at all.

On the road to an affair, there must be a place to meet. In Dave's case, it was ballroom dancing. Dave is an athletic guy and enjoyed learning dance. At first, Dave sucked. But after a few months, his confidence grew and he was, after all, apparently younger and more athletic than most of the male leads. He wasn't the best dancer--and his lack of height was a detriment in competitions--but after a couple of years was a sought after lead for all the junior and mid-level followers. While Dave relished the challenge and the attention, Tanya was more reserved and did, pretty much, the minimum necessary to say she was participating. Eventually, ballroom dancing became too expensive and the couple stopped going.

Dave started going to West Coast Swing dances on Friday night. There he re-met Nomeda, who was going to ballroom but stopped, too. There had always been an attraction, but nothing serious, just two attractive people being friendly.

Nomeda's husband was a drunk and musician (working crack addict) and she was from Latvia. Nomeda met her husband on a cruise ship where they both worked. Eventually they married and had a boy, now in his teens. The husband and boy fought all the time because the husband, Mark, was abusive to her and him. Not "get the cops called" abusive all the time, but nobody slept easy when he was in a mood. And he didn't do dick all around the house. Just got high and practiced his guitar with his band mates. Nomeda, to lose the weight she gained in her abusive homelife, went out to exercise and ballroom dance classes.

So, eventually, Dave and Nomeda realized their attraction. Dave was always a little reticent to cheat. He would ask Tanya to go with him to West Coast Swing on Friday nights, but Tanya made it quite clear that she didn't want to learn another dance or be engaged in that as a persistent hobby. In the end, Dave thought, "can I do it? Can I cheat on my wife?" The answer, "yes".

One Friday night, things had been escalating, and Dave was excited enough to kiss Nomeda goodnight. When Dave saw her put a mint in her mouth, he figured that was a signal to at least TRY it out. And vu voila, they were kissing and the affair began. They had the perfect cover: Friday Night West Coast Swing.

Neither Dave's wife nor Nomeda's husband said anything for four years. For four years, Dave and Nomeda danced together, went to dance camps together and rented hotel rooms together on Friday nights. Every Friday night Dave and Nomeda were either dancing or fucking. Both went home to their spouses. The situation petered out because, as exciting as cheating is, it gets old with same person. And Tanya played a great card: she came to one of Dave's performances with Nomeda and everything was laid out--Tanya staked her territory and Nomeda was shamed. It got old after that and within a few months was over. And so was Dave's sex life.

So, I'm going to argue that it was ok for Dave to cheat. Not great, but ok. To me, if my wife went off, every Friday, and came home after having sex, I like to think I would be able to tell that. I would confront her. I think Dave's wife was ok with the affair because Dave's wife doesn't like people all that much and if she can have her privacy and not feel pressured for sex then she's 'happy'. Nomeda's husband couldn't care less. He was tired of having sex with her and just into his musician lifestyle.

Why not divorce, you ask? Well, from Dave's perspective, he feels he pretty much has said, with his affairs, that he's ok with divorce. Because of financial considerations--he loses half of his wealth to Tanya, who hasn't always worked a full-time job--Dave wasn't going to force things. I think if Tanya had confronted him and requested a divorce he would grant her one, but she is just as addicted to the lifestyle as he is and, considering she's a woman who makes less than he does, she'd be hard pressed to replicate the comfort she enjoys now. It's a Gladys Knight "Neither One of Us" situation.

Another consideration was that Nomeda was really just a peasant. She wasn't materialistic and was nearing menopause herself, so the sex definitely was dwindling. And, Dave's thought was, "if she REALLY wanted to be with me, she'd cause trouble for Dave with Tanya, but she never did, so it just wasn't meant to be." Nomeda had no money either.

Dave had another affair. For three years. This one started when Dave went to the Chiropractor. The pandemic was on the horizon. And Dave would go for 10-minute workout challenges before the chiropractor would treat him. He formed a bond with the Latina assistant, many, many years his junior. The assistant, let's call her, Maria, was engaged to be married. But Dave could tell she wasn't so sure of her convictions because of the way she was acting toward him. Ever the flirt, Dave brought Maria a piece of cake on her birthday and she almost jumped him. After that, the sexual tension was pretty high. They became facebook friends.

One day, Nomeda announced that she had broken off the engagement. Dude was a terrible lover, was only interested in playing video games and eating MacDonalds. She didn't seem all that sad to Dave. And knowing how being tied to someone you aren't crazy about can be a looong sentence, Dave was happy that he helped get her out of that situation.

After one Saturday Chiro session Dave and Maria decided to go for a drive. They both knew what this meant. Dave offered to eat her out and before he could finish his sentence her pants were off and he was enjoying pussy again, from a 25-year old. Dave explained his weaknesses--his father's death and maybe trying to be like his father--in a letter and Maria accepted that she would be his mistress.

For three years, Maria and Dave had sex most Saturdays or Sundays. Only during holidays or other extenuating circumstances did they miss a week. The sex, for Dave and for Maria, was the best each had ever had. Dave tried out all the porn techniques he couldn't try with Tanya OR Nomeda. And Maria had never had a lover actually care about her enjoyment. It didn't hurt that Dave packed a decent size. Dave learned he was actually pretty good at sex. But, like it always does, it got old. Maria started acting depressed all the time and their nightly Zoom meetings became less fun and whimsical and more about how depressed Maria was becoming. In the end, Maria wanted more overnights and Tanya's new job didn't require much travel. So she and Dave called it quits a couple of times and then, permanently. At no time during this affair did Tanya confront him about either woman.

My feeling is that Dave's wife knew about it and just didn't care. Dave was somewhat discreet, but c'mon, you can't live with someone daily and not pick up on another person draining time and affection from you. In the end, both Nomeda and Maria went on with their lives without Dave. Dave is still married to Tanya. And reads a lot of cheating wife tales. And not quite ready to call it quits with regards to sex.