Where I Started Going Wrong?

I'm in my 40s now and have a husband and teenage son, but my secret is I'm an absolutely disgusting slut, and I always have been. I have lately tried to establish where this came from because the compulsions I suffer are damaging my life and those around me. A therapist suggested writing down my thoughts, and my memories, to try to make sense of it all, but when I tried it, it read like pornography and just made me feel even sluttier... But here goes. So, an early experience, my very first with men.

I was just 18.

I was on holiday with my parents and my aunt and uncle, and their children. My Uncle Robert is my dad's brother. I always liked him. He had been in the army, he was cool, he had a motorbike. His children were young, his wife very pretty but always tired looking. We were in Ibiza, and had travelled from our hotel by coach to a small beach. Rob's wife had stayed at the hotel with their toddlers, just around the pool, so Rob was on his own. My parents and I had had a great time, splashing, swimming, sunbathing. Rob had looked at me. I knew that look, even then, at that age. My bikini was brief, my boobs were already too big for my body - that has been a curse all my life. And a delight too I suppose. I saw him looking at my tits, and that made my nipples harden which just made things worse. We'd all had a few drinks at the beach bar, even I had had a couple of weak cocktails. And on the coach ride home everyone was a little drowsy.

Rob went to the back of the small bus and I walked and sat down beside him, still in my bikini with just a silk sarong on top. My parents quickly fell asleep in front of us.

As soon as I sat down and my bare thigh pressed against his I felt excited.. I felt desperate to tease him. I wanted him to look at me. I kept pressing my leg against him, looking, smiling, enjoying his dark eyes and cheeky smile as he looked at me. I made sure my sarong fell loose, I knew he liked seeing my boobs, I remember feeling so nervous, so unsure, I remember just wanting him to notice me so much, I was throwing myself at him, I was such a whore. God I wanted him to want me. I must have been signalling so much.... I licked my lips as I looked at him and laughed when he licked his in response. And then I looked down a his lap, he was still wearing his speedos, and his bulging cock was clearly visible. I could not take my eyes off it, until I glanced up at him again and saw the lust in his eyes.

He just whispered, "you can touch it if you wan" and that was all I needed. I slipped my hand down his muscly chest and belly, and inside his trunks. It was the first cock I had ever held. The first man's cock I had ever felt. The first hard cock my small hand had ever wrapped around. I shuddered and orgasmed, biting my lip to stop from crying out. I tasted the blood, I slipped his big hard cock out of his trunks. it was huge. I loved it. He bent to my ear "you fucking little slut" he whispered and I nearly came again.

I didn't know what to do, my parents were just a couple of rows ahead, other people could have walked back at any time. My uncle suddenly did the thing that shocked me most but I know set the pattern for my whole life. He just used my body. He pushed my head down, forcefully, onto his hard cock, I had no choice but I didn't want a choice.. He forced that huge hard cock into my young mouth, my virgin mouth, my young lips spread for that fat shiny knob, his veiny cock forced into my mouth, my throat, I felt so full of his cock, it would be years before I felt so full and stretched again, I struggled to breath and flailed a little, but he didn't stop, instead he reached around and grabbed my pussy, pushing the bikini aside and shoved his fingers inside me. It felt so good, so fucking good, i loved his cock, I loved his fingers, I loved sex and cocks and men and being a teenage slut. I orgasmed on his fingers in seconds and squealed. I know heads turned because he told me to be quiet and then started pumping hard into my face, just ramming his cock in my mouth and in a few moments it happened, what I had wanted and worried about, he spurted his cum in my mouth and yes, that is what I wanted, and ever since that moment that is what I have adored. I'm wet now remembering. His cock exploded in my mouth and like a total slut I sucked all that cream down.

After he had finished he wiped himself down with his beach towel, he helped me hold my mirror steady so I could fix my lipstick, because most of it had smeared along his cock. He gave me some pesetas, enough for a few drinks and promised to buy some wine for me that evening. He told me never to tell anyone or I'd get into trouble. I almost expected everything he said and everything he did. I felt like a slut, like a whore. But I also felt proud, and like a woman. I loved it. I loved it. I still love it.

What is wrong with me? Was it always there or did men like Rob make me the way I am? What do you think?