White Freshman, Black Coeds Ch. 15

If you've just discovered this series, I'd urge you to read the Prologue to Chapter 1, and maybe even start there. This is a slowly-building series that I'm trying to keep as realistic as possible, the sexual awakening of a shy 18yo boy. But I hope there's enough erotica in each part to keep it interesting, even if you just start here.

Thursday 10/6

I didn't go to the cafeteria today because I didn't want to run into Capri. I was starting to feel really guilty about the pain I'd inflicted on her bottom (just hand-spanking, but at her request mind you). And the warm feeling of having helped her confess her trauma and perhaps relieve some of her anguish was starting to fade. But when I tried to think of that and how it had made me feel last night, in the moment, an image of her light-tan bottom reddened with angry welts by the brutal smacks I'd delivered sprang to my mind's eye, making me felt even guiltier.

So yeah, I didn't want to see Capri right then, those feelings still so raw inside me.

Nor did I want to see Miss Pullam just yet, having found out last night that she was Capri's mother. I could see how that conversation might play out: "Good afternoon, Miss Pullam. How are you today?" "I'm fine, Mr. Livingston, thank you for asking. Only I've just gotten off the phone with my only daughter, who told me that a young man spanked her dreadfully last night. She'd asked for it, she told me, and said it was cathartic in some way. But that she hasn't been able to sit since." "Oh that's terrible! Whoa, look at the time, I need to be running along!"

Classes Thursday were a blur, I didn't learn much. Instead, I replayed last night in my mind over and over, wondering if I'd done the right thing. I don't like hurting women, and never have since, so bearing the weight of what my own hands had done to Capri was difficult. I grabbed lunch at the student union café (covered by my meal plan), then after my last class I grabbed a sandwich from there and went back to my room.

Jake was out, so I ate the sandwich alone, still struggling with all those things in my head. Besides the above, I tried to analyze the power Capri had initially had over me. Ostensibly I'd allowed it because of the inferred threat to Miss Pullam if I didn't, but I had to admit to myself that part of me had allowed it of my own volition. Capri was a good student of psychology, which I think made her a really good dominatrix.

I mean, I hadn't even known what that was or that such a fetish existed. But she'd been able to manipulate me to do things, things I hadn't wanted to do. I had to admit to myself that I likely would've done those thing even if wasn't to protect Miss Pullman from scrutiny over her dalliance with me, a boy 26 years younger than her.

And that was scary. What had made it possible? Was it an innate thing (a flaw?) in humans? In men in general? In me in particular? I'd have to think through that and process it, be mindful of not falling into that trap in the future.

But scarier still was when the roles had reversed and *I* had the power. Granted, she had submitted herself to me and begged me to do the thing, but I'd enjoyed it. Reluctantly, but it was there, the feeling of power over this young woman, the feeling that I could've made her do anything I'd wanted. And I had made her do something I wanted: sucking my dick to completion, swallowing my seed as an act of contrition for what she'd done to me earlier.

That wasn't necessary, and wasn't her idea. It had come from some twisted recess of my mind, driving me to make her do that thing....just because I could. Blowjobs feel great, of course, but that hadn't come from lust, simply wanting to feel her lips on me. This came from a darker place, a place in my mind that wanted to control and degrade her. Use her selfishly for my own pleasure, without any feeling of wanting to reciprocate. It was ugly and impure, 180 degrees out from the tenderness I'd felt with Nia, when we'd both done and received those things from each other.

I think it was the Yes sirs that really got me, causing a stir in my loins and in some inner primal beast I hadn't known was lurking there. Her submission, her attitude of, I'll do anything for you sir, just to please you! That was a powerful drug, and addiction to it must be avoided. Later in life as I learned more I saw what a slippery slope that could be, for the submissive role of course, but even for the person in the dominant role.

Capri had had such a need for me to punish her, control her, make her atone for hers sins not only against me that night, but the dozens (hundreds?) of men she must've abused over the past few years. The image came to me of her naked, face down, hips propped up on a folded pillow, presenting her butt to me as an offering, a sacrifice for her wrongs.

Could I have gotten her to allow me, even beg me, to penetrate her from behind, to expend my lust on her helpless body, as on a virgin in a pagan ritual? I was sure I could have. And then, my mind taking a darker turn, recalling Rita's offer, could I have made Capri accept my fat cock in her tiny butthole, the one she'd made me kiss and lick that night? Not make her, but make her beg me to? Even telling me that our relationship couldn't be whole, normal, 'right' again until I did so?

That had been her motivation for allowing me to spank her, an idea that *I* had actually come up with. But yes, I think I had the power over her in that moment to have commanded even that. Not command, but suggest, encourage, expect. And while that would've probably felt exquisite for me (I'm still a virgin, remember), I think, given what little I knew about the thing, that it would've been humiliating for her, painful because she didn't really desire it. Ugly.

So far my experiences with women here at WSU had been positive, beautiful, 'right' in some sense. That other way, the way Capri had introduced me to last night, was by contrast negative, ugly, 'wrong'. And I didn't want that; I much preferred the former. My brain, my heart, my psyche needed lovemaking to be cooperative, inclusive, beautiful. And yet...

And yet some deep, dark part of me had enjoyed it, and I couldn't deny it. At some level I had enjoyed her screams when I slapped her ass. Had enjoyed her sobs, her sufferings not just from the pain, but from whatever internal demons she'd been struggling with. Had enjoyed when she'd said, Yes sir, I want to suck your cock and feel you pump your semen in my mouth. A beautiful love offering in the right context, as with Nia two days before, but now a craven, filthy act performed not to give to the other person, but to take from them. Take without reciprocation, without balance.

So in the coming days and months and years I strove to keep that beast suppressed, confined to its dungeon, unable to interfere with the natural, 'normal' ways of love. In a way I cursed Capri for waking that beast in me, letting it give me even the faintest taste of the degrading, hurtful things it was capable of causing me to do. Not just do, but even enjoy. But as we'll see in a later episode with Capri, those ideas of dominance and submission can be flirted with, explored delicately, but only if both parties are willing to constrain themselves, let that kind of play be a once-in-a-while diversion from the normal beauty of lovemaking.

Shortly after 3, as I was leaving my English class, my phone buzzed: it was Nia!

Call me when you get a chance?

I found an empty classroom in the Language Arts building and called her right back.

"Hi, Mark!" Tons of enthusiasm in her voice.

"Hi, Nia! I'd been meaning to call you..."

"No you hadn't, we'd said we'd talk Friday or Saturday. You don't have to feel guilty because I called first, when it's usually the boy calling the girl." Pause while I didn't know what to say, but didn't want to say anything stupid. "Mark," gentler now, more....something, "Please don't ever fib to me, okay? Just be yourself and always be honest with me?"

I felt chagrined, really not even knowing why I'd said that. And now I felt super-guilty over seducing Miss Pullam Monday night, the very day I'd parted with Nia. Oh, and now this blackmail thing last night with Capri. How do I get myself into these crazy situations? Don't you love Nia, Mark? I do, I swear! Well then why did you immediately jump into bed with Ms. Pullam, hmmmm?

"Mark? Are you still there?" Have you ever seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? That's me, having these internal debates with myself, oblivious to everything around me. His was daydreams, but same idea.

"Yes, I'm still here, love."

"So I was really just calling to double-check about this weekend, and because I wanted to hear your voice again." Mmmhmm, go on. "Rita told me about 69, and said she'd mentioned it to you too. I really want to try that with you, and you first, so could we...do that this weekend?"

My mind immediately jumped to the fact that Jake would be gone, so I could have her in the room....and the racy visions of my naked Nia almost led me down another rabbit hole, but I reigned myself in.

"Oh Nia I'd love to do that with you first, yes!" Then I told her about Jake being gone, so maybe Saturday?

"Great, I can't wait!" "But Mark, the real reason I called is that I wanted to let you know that Rita told me a little more about you...about Candace and Keisha and--"

"Nia, they don't mean anything to me, I lo-, like you way more than them!"

"It's okay, baby, I 'lo- like' you too," giggling at my slip of the tongue. I had to laugh with her, calling me out on that, but also glad that she felt the same. "I just wanted to tell you that I know you were kind of on this path with them first, before me, and I wanted to let you know it's okay for you to....well, don't feel like you have to be monogamous or anything." Pause. "Because I'm on a similar path myself."

I went silent, recovering from that gut punch. But was it? I mean, Nia was an individual human being of her own, not some automaton conjured up by Rita to be my personal sex doll. She had a sexual education program too! Why hadn't I even considered that? And was I jealous now? A little, yes. But why should I be? Because your feelings for her are so strong, said my heart. But it's just your hormones, you know that, my brain enjoined. Then my penis tried to jump into the conversation, but heart and brain both told him to stay out of it, this wasn't sexual right now.

"Mark?.....Mark!"

"Yeah, huh?"

"Did you hear anything I said?"

"No, Nia, I'm sorry. Not after you told me about your path, not really."

"What I said was, I really 'luh-like' you a lot," (that became a running gag with us), "but maybe we should just remain friends for now? Until we've each maybe grown a little more, learned a little more, experienced a little more?"

"Yeah...I agree, Nia..." not sure that I really did, wanting to argue for something different with her.

"But we can still do 'fun' things together, you know? I really liked the way you were with me, and you'll always be special to me, my 'first' really."

"Oh Nia, I feel the same about you! Honestly I've never touched 'the girls', we just--"

"It's okay, baby! Rita told me about it...in generalities. And that's what I wanted to say to you also: I've had those same kinds of experiences, once with a boy (Rita was there), and...here in the sorority house. Just showing though, no touching, same as you."

Wow, my baby-girl had been shown these things by two girls, maybe? Like I was? Then my penis tried to join in, imagining what that might've looked like, two hot sorority sisters touching each other, my sweet Nia watching, probably nude herself. Maybe touching herself, like I had. And was Rita one of the demonstrators? A sharp pang of jealousy at that, remembering how she'd gazed over-long at Nia's rump. Are they trying to turn her into a lesbian...?

"Earth to Mark, come in, Mark!"

With a sheepish sorry I was back with her. But I filed that image away for later.

"But I really do luhlike you, and I'd like it if our 'first' experiences of new things could be together. I don't know if you've met anyone else, but 69, could you save that for me? For Saturday?"

"Oh sweetheart, I will, I will! I do want to continue this journey with you that we started together, because you are and always will be my first."

Nia had started to say something else, but a belated thought of mine had me inadvertently talking over her: "Nia, Rita told me how you wanted to save yourself for...later....and I totally respect that because I think I do too, so would-- Well, if you ever felt like you wanted to, you know...try that, would you consider letting me be your first? And I'll save that too, and talk to you about it first if I..."

As I trailed off, there was silence from Nia's end, except for a quick sniffle, then her voice, very emotional, almost crying (as I was, at the thought of doing that beautiful thing first with Nia), "Oh Mark, of course! I wanted to ask you the same thing, but I thought, well you're a guy and you'll probably have all these opportunities and--"

"Nia, I know, and I'm so conflicted right now--" thinking ashamedly now about how I'd seduced Miss Pullam the very day I'd shared oral with Nia, "and yes, I might have other opportunities to...do things with others. But I promise I'll save that for you. At least give you the option. And you'll do that for me, won't you? I'm not pressuring you, I--"

"I know, Mark. I care so much for you, I really do. And I really enjoyed our time together. Rita brought us so close together, that's very special to me, as I think it is to you too--"

"Oh it is, it IS! I'd give everyone else up right now if--"

"I know, baby, but I'm not asking you to do that. Because really, I don't think I'm ready to do that......yet. Oh Mark, we each have so much to learn and enjoy, and we can do that together, but maybe we shouldn't....like....fall in love or anything so quickly? I mean, we're both so young and were each others' first at all those beautiful things we did together, but...maybe we're not ready for a real relationship yet?"

My heart deflated a little, but I couldn't argue her reasoning. Because I'd been thinking the same things these past three days, maybe as the novelty had worn off a little. "Nia, I want to tell you something that's very important to me, but I don't want it to scare you, okay?"

"Okay Mark, tell me." Her voice full of tenderness, apprehension, maybe fear or dread at what it was going to be.

"Nia, sweetheart. Please don't interrupt me, I need to just get this all out. I love you. My rational self says it can't be 'real' love, but I feel it nonetheless, so it's real to me. But I promise you I won't get all crazy or clingy or jealous, I just want you to know that I have very strong feelings for you. So much so that--and I know this is crazy, but I've already imagined meeting your parents, winning them over despite our 'differences,' dating you all through college... I've even imagined how I would propose to you, and how you'd say yes and I'd be the happiest man in the world."

I stopped talking but didn't get a response back from Nia right away. I heard her sniffling in the distance, as if she'd moved the phone away from her face, and I just stayed silent until she was ready to reply, wishing I could be there with her just now, just to hold her and feel that physical connection once again. Or wishing I'd waited till Saturday to say all that to her in person.

But maybe this was better, this distance provided by the phone connection, so we didn't have to see each other, because if I saw her crying, then I'd cry, then she'd cry more... And maybe the emotions would just be too strong to even be able to talk to each other about it. Like we were doing now. Just talking, not seeing, not touching, trying to be rational.

In a timid-yet-exultant voice, with tears in it, "Mark....I love you too. And I agree with all those wonderful things you said." Brightening up now, her voice getting stronger, "I've even imagined where our honeymoon would be!"

We shared a long laugh together, dying into chuckles, then into melancholy. My heart was bursting for her. Then her talking again, "But yes, let's not rush into this, agreed? But let's do stay friends, I really really mean that! I want to see you often, even enjoy you sexually often, as you will me. Is that a bargain we can make right now? Can we each live with that?"

I was silent for a short time, exulting that she liked me so much. Loved me, even. And thinking how much I'd like to have her in my life, even if we never did anything sexual again. "Yes, Nia, I can make that deal with you. Let's stay good friends, and even stay close physically if you want, and not rush into something that maybe we're not prepared for just yet."

"I agree! Thank you, Mark. I could say more, but I think that's enough for now." Brightening up then, "So Saturday? And I could spend the night?" Giggles.

"Yes, it's a date! Actually I usually work till 11, but I'll see if I can get off early, then I'll come pick you up and we can.... And then Sunday I'm off so we could go to a movie or something, and--"

"That sounds so nice, my sweet lover. I'll ask Rita for permission to be out of the house Saturday night. I know she'll grant it because she knows I'll be safe with you. Just let me know about what time, okay? Love you."

"I will, just as soon as I can. Love you too. Bye."

Then it was time to go to work, which was good because I wouldn't have a lot of time to dwell on all this. A friend down the hall had just given me a burned CD of Led Zeppelin IV, so blasting ♪It's been a long time since I rock and rolled♪ ought to keep my mind off things.

Routine deliveries that night, the normal mix of 'civilians' and students. (That's how we referred to non-students at the shop.) But every door I went to, whether it was a man or woman who answered, made me wonder: Would he visit Goddess Capri, or does he(!) and allow himself to do degrading things? Or is she like Capri, maybe not a dominatrix per se, but does she have that mean, controlling streak in her?

Then back to the car to allow ♪It's been a long time since I rock and rolled♪ to drown out the incessant internal narrative, while I beat out my frustration in time on the steering wheel. I wished I'd never met Capri.

About 9 I got a text from Candace:

Hey you! If we order tomorrow night around 10:30, would you be the one to bring it? And then not have to go back to work?

Clever as always, my Candace. I thought it through and could probably make that work. We usually went back to the shop after our last run for the night, but I'd seen guys settle up early so they didn't have to. I'd just pay for their pizza, turn in the rest of the night's earnings and coupons, then not have to go back. And talk to one of the cooks (hopefully Trey) to make sure I was the one who got the order. Yeah, that would work, so I texted Yes back.

Great! We'll see you tomorrow!!

That certainly lifted my spirits, because I was beginning to wonder if something had happened between us. Maybe they'd found about Nia and I? Though of course Candace had set that up. Back in my room by 11:15, Jake still not there (a little concerned about him), I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts so I wandered down the hall to see what was going on. Guys usually left their doors open if they wanted visitors, so I found a couple guys I knew playing Halo 2 on Xbox and joined them. Mostly watching, but they let me play some too. I'm not a fan of first person shooters, and aren't very good at them, but it kept me from being alone with my thoughts. Though now that Candace had texted I was feeling much better. Sometime late I went to bed; Jake was back and asleep already, so I didn't have to worry about him anymore.