Who Killed Jenny Schecter? Ch. Adden. 1

DJ La Pica (Carmen Morales) broadcast her first Top 10 Lesbian Country and Western Tunes list near the end of Chapter 34 of Who Killed Jenny Schecter (see below in case you missed them).

Without further ado:

"Good afternoooooon, San Francisco! This is your besty former convict galpal, Alice Pieszecki, broadcasting live from the Tower of Power here at Station KPSF. It's a rainy Monday, and like the song says, Rainy days, Mondays, and these new hot flashes always get me down. So for a quick pick-me-up today we've got a visit from none other than the Spicy One, DJ La Pica, my buddy Carmen de la Pica Morales, with yet another round of her fab Top 10 Lesbian Country and Western Tunes. DJ La Pica, say hi to the nice people."

"Hey, San Francisco, and thanks for having me back, Alice. By the way, you're too young for hot flashes. Are you sure your OhMiBod isn't shorting out on you?"

"Oh, my gosh, you may be right, Carmen. I wonder if I put the batteries in backwards. I used Double-A batteries, and they didn't fit quite right, I had to bang them in with a hammer."

"I thought it took the smaller Triple-A batteries."

"Yeah, it does, but I wanted to super-charge it."

"I see. That could be the problem."

"Yeah, could be. Anyway, what's on your Top 10 Lesbian Country and Western list for for this week?"

"Alice, this week's No. 10 is a re-mix of that old standard, Thigh Me to the Moon by Luna Cee and the Dark Side.

"Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't it be Moon Me to the Thighs?" Alice asked.

"That's only if you play it backwards, like Abbey Road," Carmen said. "But speaking of that, our next song, No. 9, is by Abbey Rode and reminds me of your OhMiBod problem. It's called My Sybian Seized Up and I'm So All Alone."

"Oh, girlfriend, been there," Alice said.

"No. 8 this week has a strong current events and international flavor. It's called Tell Putin He Ain't Pootin' THIS Pussy Riot in Jail, by Ivanka Turnova."

"I love a good prison song," Alice said. "What's next?"

"Our No. 7 is an homage to those ghost-story-type songs from the 1950s and 60s, where somebody picks up a hitchhiker of a cute girl who leaves her sweater in the car, but the driver finds out she was a ghost."

"Oh, I love those! Talk about a haunting melody," Alice said.

"Me, too. This one is called The Ghost of the Reverse Cowgirl, by Caspera the Friendly Top, about a gal in the bathroom of a cowboy dyke bar where they have one of those bucking bronco rides, and she's in the stall taking a piss when suddenly the lights go out and then this sexy woman backs into her stall, and starts riding her strap-on in reverse cowgirl until they both get off, and then she leaves and when the gal goes out into the hallway she asks the bouncer who the woman was, and the bouncer says, "Woman? There was no woman followed you down the hall. Did you see the Ghost of the Reverse Cowgirl?"

"That's sure to be my new Halloween Night trick-or-treat music," Alice said.

"Do you give out candy?" Carmen asked.

"Uh, no, not exactly," Alice said. "Uh, look, can we move on?"

"Touched a nerve, did I? Okay, No. 6 is a sad power ballad, Ain't Nothin' on Your Mix Tape Except a Lot of Crying, by April May June January. Want to sing the chorus with me?"

"Sure," Alice said, and together they sang:

Ain't nothin' on your mix tape except a lot of sighin'

Ain't nothin' on your mix tape except a lot of lyin'

Ain't nothin' on your mix tape except a lot of cryin'

Darlin', I hate to have to tell you

Your demo ain't for me

"Gimme a tissue and tell me about No. 5 while I dry my eyes," Alice said.

"I get a little weepy, too," Carmen said. "This is for big girls who don't cry. It's I Got a Blister on My G-Spot and a Callus on My Heart, by the Ventricles."

"I didn't realize they were still pumping out the hits," Alice said. "What's No. 4?"

"A Toy Named Sue, by Sally Jo Sultry and Sugartits McCoy. One of my all-time favorites," Carmen said. "Are you ready for No. 2?"

"I'm always ready for the second time around, Carmen,"

"I know, but that's not quite what I meant. Anyway, it's a tender coming-out anthem by the Hobson's Choice Choral and it's called I'm Gonna Tell Daddy at Least I Ain't Pregnant."

"I hope Daddy counts his blessings," Alice said. "I think we're ready for this week's numero uno. Control room, can I have a drum roll, please"?

In the control room the two engineers opened their mics and banged on the table and woot-wooted, as they did on cue several times every day for Alice's show.

"Here it is, from that queen of cuisine, Phyllis Jo Potemkin, and it's called If You're Staying the Night I Reckon I'll Rustle Up a Quiche."

Alice, Carmen, and the control room guys whistled banged and carried on for a moment.

"Another great tune with an affirmative message," Alice said. "Next to hygiene, hospitality and nutrition are so important to our sisters in the lesbian community. Thanks, DJ La Pica, and we'll see you again real soon with more Top 10 Lesbian Country and Western Tunes. Folks, we'll be right back after this word from our sponsor."

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Previous Top 10:

#10 I Left My Strap-On in My Other Saddlebag, Becky Short and the Stanton Sisters

#9 It's Me You're Lubin' Up, But It's Her Buns You're Thinkin' 'bout, Mattie Maria Taylor

#8 I Used to Love Momma and Jesus, Bobbi Lu Perkins

#7 I'm Gonna Break Me in That Wild Mare, Madison Catherwood

#6 When I Seen Your U-Haul Leavin' I Broke Down and Cried, Sissy Jo Pinkley

#5 Swappin' Spit, Bodie Lee Flutes

#4 You're Getting Me Chapped in All the Wrong Places, Pink Buckaroos

#3 Fess Up, Lurlene (Who Bit That Hickey on Your Ass?), Lurlene Drinkwater and Tammy Jane Parnell

#2 That Chuckwagon Dyke Has Me Scrubbing Her Pots and Her Pans, Daughters of Bilitis Memorial Glee Club

#1 Keep Your Purty Little Head Up When You're Going Down on Me, Jonni-Jo Mack