Who Killed Jenny Schecter? Ch. Adden. 2

Addendum 2: DJ LaPica's Third Top 10 Lesbian C&W Songs

"Annnnnd we're back from commercial break, San Francisco. Alice Pieszecki here at Station KPSF with our second hour, and guess who just popped in? It's our great galpal DJ LaPica, sometimes known as Carmen Morales to her family and friends. Hey, Carmen!"

"Hey, Al! I brought you a latte."

"Oh, you sure know the way to a radio personality's heart, girlfriend. Hey, I think we need to tell folks you're gonna depart on a 'round-the-world cruise next week. Folks, Carmen also works as a cruise director for a certain well-known cruise line whose name I'm not supposed to mention, so I'll just Olivia it up to your imagination."

"That's right, Alice, and thanks for the plug. Yep, I'm about to circumnavigate the globe and I'm telling you, I'm really jazzed. I'm going to go places and see things I'd never have gotten to see otherwise."

"You all packed?" Alice asked.

"Clothes and personal stuff, yes, but I'm spending night and day sorting through mix tapes and CDs, and entertainment stuff I'll need on board."

"Would one of those things happen to be this week's Top 10 Lesbian Country 'n' Western hits, I wonder?"

"Oh, Alice, you know me so well. Of course I have it. Ready to go?"

"You bet! Who's No. 10 this week?"

"It's Second Degree Burning Love by Jenny Jo Jackson, the tragic story of a near-sighted young lady who mistook her hibachi for her hitachi. It's about how a simple typographical error gave a gal some serious second-degree burns."

"Sounds painful. Is she all right?"

"You'll have to listen to the song to find out."

"Okay! What's No. 9?"

"It's not a love potion, Alice, but some lotion might come in handy. It's Sally Jo Sultry's Your Chaps Are Chappin' Me Where Your Strap-on's Strappin' Me."

"That one always rubs me the wrong way," Alice said. "Next up?"

"Here's one that may hold a special place in your heart, Alice. No. 8 is (I Got Me a Crush on) The Matron of Cellblock 14 by Radclyffe Small and the Inmates."

"That one brings back fond memories of my short stretch in the penitentiary," Alice said, "banging my tin cup on the bars of my cell."

"I heard that's not all you were banging, Alice, but let's move on to lucky No. 7, Bobbi Jo Bristol's long-haul trucker song of the open road, two hitchhikers, and one particular truck stop, and it's called The Crew Cab of My Peterbilt. Want to sing the chorus with me?"

"Sure, let's go." And they began to sing,

One a you wait in the diner;

I only got an hour for lunch,

and the crew cab of my Peterbilt

ain't big enough for three. Thanks a bunch.

"I bet that's got all the boys chatting on the 18-wheeler CB's all fired up," Alice said.

"I'm sure," Carmen said. "No. 6 is for an entirely different world, the world of academia. It's The Lesbian Until Graduation Who Earned Seven Ph.D.'s by a group calling themselves The Other Dean's List."

"I wonder what list that could be?" Alice asked.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Carmen said, "but I doubt it has to do with tenure. And No. 5 also has a teacher meme. It's Janie Jo Jenkin's soulful ballad about her after-school music lesson, and it's called My Mom Will Be Home Soon, Can We Get Back to Practicing Piano? "

"Wait, if they weren't practicing piano, what were they- Oh, I get it now," Alice said.

"I knew you would. Ready for No. 4?"

"Just as soon as I change my underwear. Who is next?"

"Don't Tell Me 'Bout Your Feelings (Just Strap That Damn Thing On) , by Becky Jo Johnson and Patty Jo Jameson."

"Sounds a little harshy mcharsh to me," Alice said. "Who's next?"

"No. 3 is called Heather Has Two MILFs, but I don't think it's quite the same as that children's book. The singer is Rebecca Jo Nelson, who you may remember from last year's big hit, Do These Ben-wa Balls Make Me Look Fat? "

"Oo-oo, I loved that song," Alice said. "When I was in prison they wouldn't let us have ben-wa balls, so to do my Kegel exercises I had to use a pipe wrench I stole from the prison metal shop."

"How'd that work out for you?" Carmen asked innocently.

"Sister, my Kegels are so strong now they could crack a golf ball."

"You're scaring me, Alice. Let's move on. Your story reminded me of this week's No. 2. It's called Her Pussy's Real Mean (And Her Cat Ain't No Better) by Wildcat Carter and her band, Buckboard of Love."

"They can circle my wagon anytime they want. Hey, control room! Wake up! We need a drum roll for this week's No. 1 on the Top 10 Lesbian Country 'n' Western Hits.!"

The control guys opened their mics and gave them a whooping, improvised drum roll.

"It's I Was Gonna Get a Brazilian (But Then My Passport Expired) by Itchy Pelts!"

"YAY!!" Alice shouted. "Thanks, DJ LaPica, and we'll see everyone back here tomorrow on Station KPSF and the Alice Pieszecki Show!"