Who Killed Jenny Schecter? Ch. Adden. 3

DJ LaPica's Fourth Top 10 Lesbian C&W Songs

"Hey, San Francisco. Alice Pieszecki here at Station KPSF and I gotta tell ya, I'm a little sad today. Yeah. In a way, I should be happy, because my great galpal, Carmen Morales, who many of you know by now is the fantastic DJ LaPica, the SpicyOne, is about to set sail tomorrow on a 6-month 'round-the-world cruise, where's she's gonna be the cruise director on a ship. And so I'm happy for her, because this is a great opportunity for her, and hey, if somebody asked me if I wanted to sail around the world, even if I had to work my cute, tight bum off the whole way, I'd still say, Hell, Yeah! But that's also why I'm a little sad, because I'm gonna miss her like, I don't know. A lot. Like a sister, maybe. A BFF.

"Anyway, she's right here, sitting beside me, bringing us today's installment of Top 10 Lesbian Country and Western Songs."

"Hey, Alice," Carmen said. "Yeah, I'm a little sad, too, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm really looking forward to this cruise. And you know who the very first person was who talked me into going?"

"Uh, that would be me," Alice said.

"That would be you, Alice, and we both know you were right. And yes, I'm gonna miss you, too, but hey, it's only about six months or so, and you know what? I can telephone visits while you're on the air from lots of exotic places around the world. I mean, how cool is that?"

"I know, but I'm just gonna miss your smiling face and those tight little booty shorts you wear on stage."

"Oh, I didn't know you noticed. I'd leave them here with you, but I think I'm gonna need 'em on the ship."

"Carmen, please don't put that image in my head, you on stage minus your booty shorts. Do we have time for me to take a cold shower, control room? No? Well, okay then. I guess it's time for our Top 10 list. who do we have this week?"

"Alice, No. 10 this week is called Desperada by Glenda Eagles, and it ain't fences she's out ridin', if ya know what I mean."

"Oh, you bet I do, DJ LaPica. What's No. 9?"

"It's the first of two songs with a school and education theme. It's called I Don't Mind Her Lickin' the Alphabet (If Only She Could Spell) , by Miriam Webster and the Collegiate Edition."

"Wait, I don't understand," Alice said. "What is she licking? Oh, wait ... Never mind. I think I've got it now. I didn't know spelling counted."

"I thought you'd catch on sooner or later, Alice," Cartmen said. "Are you ready for No. 8? It's The Schoolmarm Makes Me Stay Late by Lily House and the Prairie. It's the story of a young student in a one-room schoolhouse who stays late to clap erasers, in a manner of speaking."

"O, M, G," Alice said. "Have you ever clapped some schoolmarm's erasers, Carmen?"

"Why, Alice, I have no idea what you mean," Carmen said.

"Oh, right. Well, you can clap my erasers any time you want. What's No. 7 this week?"

"It's a plaintive ballad called When Is It My Turn on Top? by Leslie Cheeks."

"Bottoms up!" Alice said.

"That's what she said, Alice," Carmen replied. "Moving right along. No 6 on our list is I Just Didn't Believe Her (When She Said It Wasn't Pee) by Bobbi Jo McSquirter. You remember her great hit from last year?"

"I do," Alice said. "It was Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head Only I Think They Ain't Raindrops. I wonder if she has a version of that great child's song, Sprinkle, Sprinkle, Little Star."

"I thought it was Twinkle, Twinkle," Carmen said.

"Could be Tinkle, Tinkle," Alice said. "I get confused."

"We better move on," Carmen said. "No. 5 has an unusual mix of Country'n'Western flavor mixed with some bossa nova and international relations, if ya know what I mean, and it's called I Was Gonna Get a Brazilian (But Then My Passport Expired)."

"Was that the one sung by that girl Astrud Jo Cabello, who had that big hit last year called Don't Sigh for Me, Argentina?" Alice asked.

"That's her," Carmen said. "We're starting to stray from our cowboy roots, but No. 4 this week will take us back where we belong. It's Last Tango in Paris, Texas, by Becky Jo Brando and the Buttersticks."

"I love a good tail of the wild, wild west," Alice said.

"That pun's going to leave a bruise," Carmen said. "Ready for No. 3? It's a sad and plaintive love ballad, She Forgot Her Panties (And I Forgot Her Name) by the Tucson Tighty Whities."

"That one always makes me cry," Alice said. "What's No. 2?"

"A surprise hit that snuck onto the charts and rose real fast. It's She Don't Wear No Underbritches, by Cowgirls Go Commando."

"Wait. The Tucson Tighty Whities are followed by the Cowgirls Go Commando?"

"A gal's got a right to change her mind and her wardrobe," Carmen said. "Ready for No. 1 this week?"

"Control room, I need a drum roll, pronto, Tonto," Alice said, and the guys in the control room opened their mics and gave her what she asked for, banging on the control panel desktop and woot-wooting.

"Ta-dah!!" Carmen "Here's No. 1 on this week's Top 10 Lesbian Country'n'Western Tunes. It's She Ain't No Kentucky Colonel But She's Finger-Lickin' Good by Leslie Jo Sergeant and Her Privates."

"Yaaaaaayyyyy," Alice said, banging on her console while the control guys did the same. "Thanks, DJ LaPica! Now, go, sail around the world, and we'll have you back the first day you return, to tell us all about your circumnavigation."

"Thanks, Alice, thanks, San Francisco! I plan to check in from time to time from exotic foreign ports-of-call, and who knows, I may have a surprise or two up my sleeve. Bye, everybody! See you in six months! Roaring Forties, here I come!"