Who Needs a Fantasy? Pt. 01

So why did she feel like she had to go?

Later that night, in the comfort and quiet of her hotel room in Philadelphia, Lily called her best friend, Elliot, who was hosting Friendsgiving back in Seattle.

"So how weird is it to be back in New Jersey?" Elliot asked over the background noise. Lily could see a rousing game of charades being played in the background of the video call.

"Technically, I'm in Pennsylvania right now," Lily replied. She was no longer a small town person and, as such, she did not want to stay at a small town motel. "But yes, very weird. It was nice to see dad, Holly's family, and Corey's family."

"And your mom," Elliot added.

"No," Lily said, pursing her lips and shaking her head. Leaving her mom off of the list had been intentional. "I mean, I saw her, but I wouldn't say it was nice to see her. She only cares about grandkids. If I can't give her them, she doesn't really care what I'm up to."

"Sorry, babe," Elliot said with a furrow in her brow. "Are you still going to your reunion?"

"Why does everyone think that I'm not going to go through with it?" Lily asked, frustrated.

"Because you hated high school. You've said a thousand times that you'd be happy if you could go the rest of your life without going back," Elliot said. And she wasn't wrong. Maybe a thousand was a bit of an exaggeration, but she'd certainly never had the intent to go back.

Lily rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I don't know. Rite of passage maybe? Maybe I want to show everyone that I didn't peak in high school? Part of me is probably hoping that my life turned out better than the people I grew up with?" Lily paused, now rubbing her entire face. "That sounds bad, doesn't it," she groaned.

"Hey, no judgment from me," Elliot said. "What about... what was her name? The girl who made you realize how very, very gay you are?"

"Their name is AJ," Lily corrected. "They came out as agender a few years ago."

"Sorry. Will they be there?" Elliot asked.

"I don't know," Lily sighed. "I haven't talked to them since that night. I'm not on social media so I don't know anything about them anymore. My brother saw them at the bar last night, but he didn't say if he knew if they were going. But I guess if they were at the bar with people from high school, there's a fair chance they'll go to the reunion."

"And how are we feeling about the possibility of them being there?" Elliot asked.

How was Lily feeling about the possibility of seeing AJ? It obviously had crossed her mind that they might go when she bought the tickets, but she didn't think AJ would want to go. They were bullied rather relentlessly in high school by most of their class, including Lily's friends.

Lily wished that she'd had the knowledge and skills then that she gained as an adult. At the time, she didn't intervene because her status as one of the popular students was important to her. Without it, she risked being bullied herself. So when The Jens teased AJ, she didn't stop them. She didn't participate either, but her lack of action was even more damning than if she'd participated, in her opinion. She knew that what her friends were doing was wrong and that AJ needed allies, but she didn't do anything about it.

Logically, she knew that she shouldn't blame herself for anything she'd done as an adolescent - her therapist reminded her of that regularly - but she still wished she would have done something then to give AJ the support they needed.

"I'm feeling conflicted," she responded to Elliot's question. "I want to avoid it but I also want to resolve it. Wouldn't resolving it be selfish? If they have moved on from it, talking about it might resurface things that have been forgotten."

"To be clear, what 'it' are we talking about?" Elliot asked. "Are we talking about you leaving them behind to run with the popular crowd? Or are we talking about it?"

"Unclear," Lily said, shaking her head. "Probably both."

"It might be selfish," Elliot said with a shrug, "but you can always ask if it's okay to talk about it if you see them."

"Yeah..."

"Well, I'm here if you need to talk about it," Elliot assured her. "Just not right now, because I have to get back to the party."

"It's all good, I should get some rest anyway. It's late here. Tell everyone I said hi."

Elliot waved goodbye emphatically. "Love you and miss you!"

"Love and miss you too."

Sleep eluded Lily for most of the night, Elliot's questions rattling around in her head. For two decades, she'd successfully avoided confronting one of the most significant things to ever happen to her and now she was actively making a choice that would likely force her to confront it. The safest thing to do would be not to go.

So why was she still going?

The Day After Thanksgiving

AJ

The restaurant that Tom had booked for the reunion had done a great job accommodating the larger-than-usual reunion crowd. While AJ had never been to one of their class reunions, Melissa had mentioned that their other reunions had been about half the size. Luckily, the restaurant was able to extend their reservation to the patio area and add a few more heaters to keep the temperature tolerable.

"Our class was barely a hundred people, how are there a hundred people here tonight?" AJ asked.

"Marriage," Melissa stated plainly. "Some people like to spend their lives with a partner."

"Ouch. I'm not single by choice, you know," AJ said, feigning offense.

"Are you sure about that? When was the last time you went on a date?" Melissa asked.

AJ pretended to think hard about it, but they knew the date off of the top of their head. They hadn't been on a legitimate date in over a year. "Define date."

"There has to be an non-sexual activity preceding the sexual activity to qualify as a date," Melissa clarified.

"Does a movie count?" AJ asked.

"Only if it's in a theater. Netflix and chill is not a date," Melissa said, rolling her eyes.

"Then I abstain from answering the question," AJ said with a smirk, then cleared their throat. "Do, uh, you know who all is coming?"

"The list is at the table with Tom, but it's mostly the people you would expect," Melissa said.

"The Jens?" AJ asked, hoping Melissa would give them some sort of indication about whether Lily was coming. Corey had mentioned on Wednesday night that she was in town for the first time in more than a decade, but he didn't give any indication about whether she was going to be at the reunion.

Melissa nodded as she finished the last sip of her rosé. "Unfortunately, yes. The gaggle of tall blondes will be fashionably forty-five minutes late, I'm sure."

"What about Lily Duval?" AJ asked, hoping they sounded casual.

"She bought a ticket but I haven't seen her yet. Tom said he didn't think she would actually show up and it looks like he might have been right." Melissa caught her husband's eye from across the room. "Do you want another drink? I'm going to check on Tom."

"I'm good," AJ said, holding their beer up so Melissa could see that it was still half-full.

"Okay, I'll be back soon. Don't run away without saying goodbye," Melissa scolded.

"I've barely been here fifteen minutes, I'm not going to leave yet."

"History tells me that you start to rethink your attendance at any social event about twenty minutes in. And I can't promise that I'll be right back," Melissa said, nodding towards her husband. "I have to fulfill my wifely duties and make sure Tom isn't spiraling in his own stress."

"In that case, yes, I'll take another beer," AJ said as Melissa walked away.

While Melissa supported her husband and retrieved another drink for herself, AJ stayed in their dark corner and busied themself on their phone. Their curiosity got the best of them and led them straight to Corey's Facebook page to see if they could get a rare glimpse of Lily. They didn't find much, just one picture from the day before with Lily looking pretty grumpy sitting on Corey's couch. Grumpy, but gorgeous.

AJ caught a glimpse of a wine glass being set on the table next to them, indicating Melissa's swift return. "If this photo is any indication, she got on the first flight out of here this morning," AJ said without looking up.

"Who?"

Apparently, Melissa had not swiftly returned. AJ looked up from their phone to find the same person they'd been looking at on their phone standing right in front of them.

"Lily Duval, she/her", the nametag read. At least AJ hadn't been the only one to put their pronouns on their nametag.

They quickly shoved their phone in their pocket to hide the evidence. "Oh, I thought you were Melissa."

"I saw her at the bar talking to Angie. She excused herself to bring you your beer, but I offered to bring it to you. I'm feeling a little socially overloaded, to be honest," Lily said as she handed AJ the bottle.

"Thanks," AJ said quietly as they took the beer from Lily's hand. They could relate to feeling socially overloaded.

"Is it okay if I hang out over here and pretend we're in a riveting conversation?" Lily asked.

AJ didn't say anything, they just smiled and nodded. Lily's proposal was a familiar one, something they'd done at the few parties AJ had been dragged to in high school.

The first time had been when AJ's brother, Gabriel, dragged them to a party after a basketball game during their sophomore year. They'd beaten their rivals for the first time in five years and Gabr insisted that AJ go to the party to celebrate with their team. But instead of dancing and drinking like the rest of their team, AJ stood in the corner by themself, much like they'd just been doing before Lily brought them a beer.

The last time had been the night of Toni's graduation party, two weeks after graduation. The night when AJ's world was flipped upside down and the last time they'd seen Lily. The memory didn't haunt AJ as often as it used to, but it was still a painful one. Painful because it had been one of the best moments of their life, followed by one of the worst, and AJ still didn't understand what had happened.

"So, what have you been up to?" Lily asked, snapping AJ from their daydreams.

They engaged in the usual small talk. Lily talked about her upcoming move to the King of Prussia area and AJ told her about their coaching job, only briefly mentioning their work as a handyperson. While their handiwork paid the bills, AJ considered their coaching job to be their primary job. It was their passion.

AJ tried to ask a few leading questions to figure out if Lily had a partner, but she didn't take the bait. She wasn't wearing a ring, but lots of people didn't wear rings and lots of people didn't even get married. Lily was a mystery and the only person AJ knew that had never, literally ever, created any social media accounts.

Just as AJ was starting to feel comfortable - apparently Lily still had that effect on them - a group of tall blondes approached with the most exaggerated screeching sounds AJ had ever heard. Even their basketball players, who were literal teenage girls, didn't make those noises.

The Jens had arrived and, judging by the pitch of their voices, they hadn't seen their token brunette in a while either and they were eager to catch up with her. It had been nice to catch up with Lily a little, but it looked like AJ's time was up. It was probably for the better, anyway. Eventually they'd run out of small talk and risk having to confront what happened between them.

The group eventually noticed that AJ was standing there and greeted them in unison.

"Jen, Jennie," they paused before looking the ringleader in the eyes. AJ had really hoped that Jennifer would be too cool for a high school reunion. And they'd really thought that the last time they'd seen her would be the very last time they saw her. "Jennifer."

Jennifer had been AJ's primary bully in high school. She'd teased them relentlessly for six years for a variety of reasons, but mostly for their appearance. AJ had been dubbed a tomboy at an early age, but as others started to grow out of that categorization, AJ did not. They'd had some sort of inkling that they were not meant to be a girl from a very early age, but they also had been boy-crazy from an early age. Compulsory heterosexuality told them that they had to be a girl because they liked boys. It wasn't until they were in their twenties that they even found out there was such a thing as being agender.

Jennifer's bullying ranged from stealing AJ's hair ties so they couldn't wear their hair in a ponytail, to spreading rumors about them being a lesbian. She even told the few boys that liked AJ that if they hooked up with AJ, everyone would think they were gay for hooking up with someone who "looked like a boy." When they were Juniors, Jennifer told the girls in their gym class that they shouldn't change around AJ because she'd caught them staring at her once.

It was true. AJ had been staring at Jennifer, but it wasn't because they were attracted to her. They'd been staring at her because they were wondering what it would have been like to be her. They hated themself and Jennifer was the most popular girl in their class. It seemed like everyone in their class either wanted to date her or be part of her inner circle. If they just could have been like her, maybe their classmates would have liked them too.

God, it was like they were back in high school. Why had AJ even come to the reunion? Melissa owed them. Big time.

"Oh my God, Lily, it's been so long. Are you still with, what was her name? Started with an L... Lori!" Jennifer exclaimed.

Lily's smile dipped a little before she responded. "No, Lori and I are not together. We broke up after college."

"Any ladies in your life right now?" Jennie asked.

"Not right now," Lily sighed.

"We should totally go to a gay bar together and find you a sexy lady! Lori wasn't even hot. So many more women are gay now, you can do so much better than that butch bitch," Jen said.

Lily flinched, then glanced quickly at AJ. While AJ did not identify as either a butch or a bitch, the comment still hurt. Either Jen had completely forgotten that AJ was standing there or she didn't care. Both options were not ideal.

"My husband and I happened to be in Philly during the Pride parade a few years ago. It was so random, we didn't even know it was happening until we got there and roads were closed and there were rainbows everywhere. And there were so many hot women like you. I used to think they all looked like..." Jennie trailed off, likely realizing at that exact moment that AJ was still there.

"Anyway," she continued, "there were a lot of very feminine women there and I bet there's some bar where they all hang out that you can go to."

AJ rolled their eyes. Some bar where they all hang out. How people who regularly visited Center City Philadelphia had no idea that there was an entire neighborhood of gay bars was beyond AJ. Granted, they hadn't actually been to any of those bars in years and the only one they'd actually been to had closed more than ten years before, but it was still unreasonable that someone who is in the area often could miss an entire neighborhood that was practically painted rainbow,

AJ wondered where this allyship, albeit performative, had been when The Jens were calling them a dyke that Lily shouldn't talk to because she'd be labeled a dyke too.

It was time for AJ to exit that incredibly uncomfortable situation, so they snuck away just as Jennifer started asking Lily about Seattle and whether every lesbian there looked like a lumberjack or there were "hot ones" there too. AJ could not have been happier leaving before that conversation went any further.

As they walked away, AJ heard Jennie ask, "I mean, they can't all look like her, right?"

"Them," Lily corrected Jennie. "And maybe I'm into lumberjills."

Lily

The Jens were exactly as Lily remembered them.

Which meant that they hadn't changed in almost twenty years.

Which also meant that they hadn't grown up at all since high school.

That made this interaction painful for Lily, who had grown up quite a bit in the last two decades - as one typically does. She hadn't cared for their immaturity then and she had a low tolerance for it now.

After chasing AJ away, the three women had proceeded to ask Lily questions about how two people with vulvas had sex. It was as if she was a fascinating exhibit at a zoo that they just had to learn more about.

"I had a threesome once, but I barely touched the other woman," Jennie told her without being asked.

"If I ever had a threesome, it would be with two men," Jen added, also without being asked. "I peg John at least once a month so I think he'd be into it."

"What about you, Jennifer?" Jennie asked.

"Me?" Jennifer asked, her face flushing bright red. She rubbed her neck as she continued, "Oh, I've never really thought about it."

Bullshit, Lily thought to herself. She knew that look - the look of a straight, married, curious woman who fantasizes about sleeping with women but hasn't told anyone. Jennifer was absolutely dying to fuck another woman.

"Do you just, like, trade off who wears the strap-on or whatever? Or is it, like, one of you is always the man and the other is always the woman?" Jennie asked.

Jesus Christ, how far behind was this town? Lily didn't think she'd been asked questions that invasive in years. Did people still think that sapphic sex mimicked traditional, heterosexual sex? She'd tried to avoid actually answering any of their questions, but she had to at least correct that part. "No one is the man. That's the whole point. It's different for every couple," Lily pursed her lips and bobbed her head back and forth, "or group. Power dynamics vary between couples. Some people use toys, some don't."

"What kinds of toys?" Jennifer asked and Lily could hear her trying to hide the desperation in her voice.

"I'm really not comfortable answering these questions, can we change the subject?" Lily asked.

"John and I use toys all the time. Even when I'm not pegging him. We have a whole drawer of them," Jen said, ignoring Lily's request for a topic change. Of course these women didn't understand boundaries, they really hadn't grown up at all.

"I never knew John was bi," Jennie said.

"He's not bi," Jen corrected.

"He likes it when you fuck him in the ass, he has to be at least a little bi," Jennie replied.

Once again, Lily could not let that statement hang out there uncorrected. "If John has told Jen that he is not bi, which I assume he has?" she asked. Jen nodded in confirmation. "Then he's not bi," Lily continued. "Even if they do have a threesome with another man, that doesn't mean he's bi. You have to separate this hetero idea of sexuality from queer sexuality. They are not the same."

Jennie scoffed. "I don't understand all that... bullshit. And now people want to be different genders and chop off their dicks and their tits or whatever."

Both Jennifer and Jen looked at Lily and mouthed "sorry" as she continued her transphobic rant. It was clear that this was not the first time Jennie had shared her opinions.

"Let's go for a smoke," Jen said as she turned Jennie towards the patio.

While Jen and Jennie stepped outside for a cigarette, Jennifer and Lily had a pleasant conversation. Jennifer asked about Lily's life and seemed genuinely interested. Jennifer may have even been flirting with her.

When Jennifer asked for her number so they could hang out when Lily moved to Pennsylvania, she considered setting a clear boundary that she was only interested in friendship with Jennifer, but she thought better of it. If Jennifer was hiding her curiosity, addressing it would have forced her into a conversation that she probably wasn't ready for. She'd wait until they got closer again.