Why Won't You Commit?

"I wish she had told me Luke. Why? Why didn't she tell me?"

"Come on Niles," I replied. "I'm no therapist, and I can tell you."

"Please do," he said, waving his hand for me to go on.

"OK, the first consultation is free, but after that...."

We both laughed, breaking the tension. No matter how I had felt before, Niles was a nice guy. It was not his fault my mom was screwing around on my dad and that she hadn't taken the pill.

"She and my father chose to keep things as they were Niles. They liked the life and family they had and chose to let sleeping dogs lie."

"That simple, eh?"

"It worked for them... until they told me. And here I am.

"Luke," he said, leaning forward. "I swear to you. I never knew you existed. I mean, I knew Joyce had a son, but I never saw you or pictures of you, nor did she tell me."

"What if she had? Told you, I mean. What would you have done?"

"I would have done as Joyce wanted," he replied. "But I would have asked her to meet you or know of you. I have two wonderful girls, but you are the only son I have."

He saw me stiffen.

"Luke, I am not trying to usurp William's place in your life. He raised you. Fifteen minutes ago, I didn't even know you existed."

"I understand that it is a shock," I said. "It was for me as well. My parents went through a lot for that weekend of fun you, and she had."

"Luke, this is not going to sound good to hear, but what your mother and I did back then was just pure sex and fun. All the women were on the pill or had diaphragms or IUDs for birth control.

"We just did what you kids call hooking-up in the evenings and often with different partners. To be honest, I can't remember who else I was with that weekend other than your mom. It was long ago.

I just stared back, trying to come to terms with everything and failing.

"Are you angry about all this? You seem tense."

"I forgot you are a therapist like mom. Are you planning to analyze me?"

"No, Luke," Niles said. "I just want to understand and give you whatever you need from our meeting. Shit, my wife is going to be shocked about this. So will my daughters."

"Were you married when I was conceived?"

"No," he shook his head. "I met my wife in ninety-four. We married in ninety-five. So, I don't have to explain that."

"Does your wife know what you and the other therapists do at the seminars?"

"No, but she will when I have to tell her how you came about. But I have not done anything with anyone at the conferences for years. If you tell her, it will probably end us. Is that your goal here? Retribution?"

And there it was. What had I come here for? Had I come just to meet him? Or to take revenge on this man and ruin his life? And if so, for what? For having sex with my twenty-something mom who told him she was on the pill? For never knowing he had a son? Never having seen me grow up?

And if so, what did it say about me? As I watched this man, I barely knew. This man whose genes ran through my body, I didn't see a monster or a manipulative asshole. He had not "seduced" my mother. She had given it to him willingly. How many men had fallen prey to that?

I often wondered when I was out screwing women who told me they were single if they were so or lying. How many took off their rings, leaving them in their car ashtray to don again before going home to their unsuspecting husbands? I could easily have been in his shows. Hell, for all I knew, I might have been and not known yet. A young man or woman could show up in my life years from now. Oh, Christ!

"No. I'm not going to ruin you. This is not my intention."

"What then? Money?"

"I just wanted to know how it happened. Under what circumstances I came about."

"I think I told you most of it."

"What do you people who don't participate do these days at seminar time."

He chuckled and smiled. An at peace look of an older man who had been and done that.

"We sit together separate from the... participants and just talk. And we no longer have individual rooms. We abstainers have roommates of the same sex. It helps. I think."

"Did any of you question the fact that you were cheating on your spouses?"

"I wish I could tell you we did. But to be honest, once a person decides to cross that line, they rarely regret it unless they are caught and lose everything. I see people come to me with infidelity in their history. Some have guilt issues, but most do not. Actually, I can separate the two into two categories."

I listened intently to understand.

"The ones who just do it for fun and sex rarely feel guilt. Not the way the others do anyway."

"Others?"

"Those who have emotional as well as sexual relationships. Those who fall in love with others know they betrayed their spouse more so and more profoundly than those just having sex. Have you ever fallen in love with a person other than someone you are in a relationship with Luke?"

"No," I replied. "My ex cheated on me. I heard from her lawyer that it was just sex. But by then, I didn't care. She is the one that has to live with it. Not me."

"I see," he replied. "So, it is safe to assume you have never cheated on anyone you had an exclusive relationship with?"

"No," I said. "But then, I only had one exclusive relationship: my marriage. So, what I did with others was not the concern of those I dated. No cheating and no guilt."

"Good for you, Luke," he replied. "I'm happy for you. You see, those of us that crossed that line... we have to deal with our indiscretions in one way or another. I know I stopped and took stock of my life, probably as your mom did. And yes, I did cheat on my wife as your mom did with your father. But unlike those who formed attachments and wanted to divorce and take someone's spouse away, we only borrowed them every six months or less. We never did everyone that was at the seminars each time."

"Did that make it better?" I asked, curious about his thought process.

"Luke, we can play morality or talk reality. What do you want to do?"

I wasn't satisfied with the question that was his answer, but I had asked, and he was explaining. So, I settled back to hear.

"Not once did I ever want the wife of another man to leave him for me," he said. "And from what I can remember, no seminar attendee that was part of the share-culture ever did. It was sex, pure and simple. We had our home family life, and once every six months, we got together and had sex with other people. And yes, we stopped at a certain point because, if nothing else, we didn't want to lose our families over some side sex.

"This may offend you, but your mom was just a friend and sex partner occasionally. But she was one of many over the years, and I was never in love with her. And neither was she with me."

"So a world where sex is just sex, people have affairs as they please, and exclusive sex with someone one we love is dead?"

"Oh no. Far from it. Plenty of people live with that premise. But looking at divorce statistics, it's bleak out there. And the legal divorce situation is not helping. They are helping me have patients but not keeping marriages together."

"Don't get me started on that Niles," I acknowledged his view. "My sister is a divorce lawyer and cheater. I know all too well, I caught her cheating, and she played it off by threatening to take the kids from her husband."

"Oy, vay!" he said, rolling his eyes. "HaShem, protect us."

"Excuse me?" I said, not understanding him.

"I forgot, you're not from Long Island, the American Israel. The Oy part was Yiddish, and meant of wow as in dismay. HaShem means God in Hebrew. We mix it up. We Jews are a funny people. But then we win wars, so it evens out."

We both shared another laugh.

"You learn something every day. So I'm part Jewish?"

"Yes, but only on your father's... I mean the male side." He tried to be polite and not usurp my dad's place. "Now, if your mother was Jewish, you get the full treatment. Israel would welcome you as a proper Jew."

"Whatever happened to the patriarchy?"

"Ha!" Niles laughed.

"In Judaism, it's worth bupkus. Yiddish for nothing much. So what were you raised as?"

"Christian. Non-denominational, which means you just believe in Christ and not in a specific church."

"But the old testament is what we believe in Luke. And your messiah was a Jew. So you're in the tribe one way or another. We got you."

"Even the way I came into it?"

"Look here Luke," Niles replied, all serious by this point. "I'm not that big on religion either. But I think that God is not vengeful. And you, my boy, have done nothing to offend Him. Your mother and I, on the other hand? Well, you turned into a good man, right?"

"Mom is more upset that my dad was disrespected than my being created," I replied. "After all, it was her that didn't take her birth control pill."

"Please tell me she didn't say she skipped her pills on purpose to get pregnant," Niles asked.

"No," I replied. "She said that before she came to that seminar, she had gotten drunk at some event and probably forgot to take her pill one day. As you know..."

"Yeah, I know. Skipping one day can make a woman fertile."

We stared at each other for a few seconds, both having so much to say and ask.

"So, what do we do now Luke?" he asked.

"Well, we can go to lunch after this," I replied. "Isn't my appointment almost over?"

"Yes, and lunch is my treat."

"You may change your mind after I tell you what's next."

It is a good thing Niles was not swallowing when I told him because he might have choked. Still, he took it in stride.

***

I made the four o'clock date with Celia. And let me tell you, it was certainly worth it. There is something about a good looking slightly older woman that every young man should experience at least once in their life. I knew she was, but she sure didn't look it.

Unlike younger women who think they have boys by the balls, older women are more mature and secure in themselves. They rarely, if ever cock tease a man. If they are interested, they act on it. And when they do, they appreciate a man who takes the time to rock their world.

Celia was insatiable and very enthusiastic, to say the least. She was probably the most impressive lover I had to date. In two hours, we did more than most people do in a night. We are talking around the world. Oral, vaginal, and anal without my having to ask.

While Niles was home explaining to his family that he had just met a son he did not know he had, Celia and I showered, went to dinner, and went back for round two. By this point, we were more comfortable with one another and took our time to do everything again with no time limits. We stopped by her place to pick up her work clothes for the next day and other things she needed for an overnight stay.

In between sex bouts, I learned she had a son and daughter both in the military. Her husband had died in Iraq back in '08, so she had raised the kids alone. Her son was an Army medic, while her daughter was a navy electrician on a carrier. And she was "accessible" to date and have fun. She had a couple of semi steady boyfriends, but no one exclusive.

Celia asked me if we would see each other later the following day before she went to work. Not knowing what was going on with Niles, I said we had to play it by ear. She nodded sadly. Probably thinking she would never see me again.

"It's not a brush off Celia," I said. "I just don't know what is going on with me and my... whatever I call my sperm donor."

"That's rude Luke," she said. "Just call him by his name if you can't call him father."

"I stand corrected," I replied. "but I plan on calling you and letting you know what's going on."

"It's OK," she said. "I understand."

Not wanting to push her, I nodded, and she kissed me goodbye. I hardly knew Celia, but I found myself liking her. She was not old enough to be my mom or anything. But she had this confident mature way about her that endeared her to me. Younger women rarely exhibit that trait.

***

Niles called me around ten in the morning. We got together at a different diner for brunch and conversation. My relationship with Celia was new and tentative, so I wanted it separate from Niles.

"Luke, I talked to my family about you last night."

"How did it go?"

"A bit rough at first until your age came out, so Brenda knows you came before we were married. She is a bit concerned and wants to meet you. And so, do my girls."

"Are you sure?"

"If you promise me not to tell them about the seminar sex club at all," he replied. "You do that, and you can forget our agreement. I have been upfront with you."

"OK. It's a deal. How did you explain it to your women?" I asked.

"Since you are now family, they are your women as well," he said before continuing. "I told the truth. An encounter that turned into pregnancy with me not knowing until yesterday. Pretty much accurate without mentioning the sex club thing."

"Anything I need to know before I show up?"

"Are you free today?" he asked.

"I would like to be back by four," I replied. "If not, I need to know to make a call."

"You know people in New York?" he asked.

"Niles, I know you and I are related, but I'm a bit too old for you to be asking where I'm going."

He laughed at that.

"My bad," he replied, still smiling. "I should have known. You are a handsome guy and probably found someone already."

I said nothing but gave him "the smirk." One he understood.

"Oh, I remember being your age and..." he stopped midsentence when the implications of where that had gotten him with my mother hit his mental lightbulb. "Sorry."

"It's OK. It's just that I just met this woman, and I kind of like her."

"How so?" he asked. "Humor me. The therapist in me is always looking for answers to the human condition."

"You and mom just can't help yourselves, can you?"

"Whatever," he dismissed my reservations at him, analyzing me and waved me on. "Woman you met here?"

"Yes. She was my waitress, and we liked each other from the start. She spent all night with me in my hotel room."

"The sex must have been good for you to have a repeat. So, what do you like about this woman? Does she have a name?"

"Celia," I continued. "She is older than me. She already has kids, so she is not a threat or a contender for mother of my children."

"Sounds like you are telling me she is safe," Niles said in a professional manner therapist have. Just like mom. "Why is that."

It was uncanny how quickly Niles figured me out; it was also unnerving. It was as if we had a connection of some kind already, and he was reading my mind. For a few seconds, I felt like my link was him was a betrayal to dad back home. But I shook that aside. Niles was Niles and could never be what dad and I had. This was new and separate.

"If I told you, would this be confidential as a doctor-patient thing?"

"No," he replied quickly and emphatically. "With you being my biological son, professional ethics kick in. I cannot be a therapist for you. While I am trained as one, this is between us as men. That said, if you request confidentiality, I will abide by it. It is the least I can do for you."

"OK," I nodded. "I can respect that. Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Luke, hearing people is what I do. Consider this a freebie. After all, you paid for an hour of therapy yesterday. Just talk. I'll listen. Consider it part of our get to know each other, thing."

"Thing! Do therapists call people's life phases things?"

"I'm not your therapist," he reminded me. "We went over that."

"All right, all right. So, I have this issue," I relented and saw Niles perk up. "It is a woman trust issue."

"Go on."

"You are such a therapist," I chuckled.

"I can't help it. Now I'm intrigued," he waved me on impatiently. "Trust issues with women. Go on."

"I mean, my ex-wife, sister, and mother cheated. Are you surprised I would have trust issues?"

"Common to have them after that many people in your life exhibiting that behaviour. But how does it manifest in you?"

"The thought of having children with a woman that can then just take them from me terrifies me. Both my father and brother in law stayed with their spouse for the kids. Do you know what happens to fathers in divorce court?"

"Please," he said, raising a palm to stop me. "I live in New York. Divorce is a common blood sport here. Understandably, you would be wary under the circumstance. But not all women cheat. And if I can judge from my female patients these days, even if they cheat, they don't want a divorce.

"Those that do after they cheated are the ones who delude themselves in being in love with the guy they cheated with."

"Delude? How so."

"Some women are hopeless romantics. So are some men, by the way. They confuse affairs as meeting their soulmate. Usually, these people have marital issues and have fallen out of love. Or they can't fathom the notion of just sex. That cheapens their self-image. So, in their minds, it has to be love. In reality, it is rarely true love. Mostly infatuation and the excitement of forbidden sex.

"Women seem to be moving away from that. The higher their income and education, the more likely they are to have sex-only lovers. They get love at home."

"What kind of love is there if they lie and betray their spouse's trust?" I asked.

"Luke, I have to break it to you, but different people have different definitions of love. You just need to find someone who shares your view."

I wouldn't say I liked his answer. It reminded me of his indiscretion with my mother that led to my existence. As much as I disapproved of what she had done, I was here, alive in the form and body I had because this man and mom had unintentionally created me.

"I haven't been lucky with women so far. The last one fooled me until the last minute before I proposed. I guess I was lucky to find out."

He asked me what had happened, so I told him how Mindy had taken my cheating sisters' side only to make excuses for her.

"That doesn't mean you have to quit because of what a few women did," he retorted. "Which leads us to this woman you met. What is different about her?"

Again, his ability to decipher my thinking so quickly after meeting me unnerved me. Niles was right. Celia was different.

"She is older and has children. And she says she had her tubes tied, so no chance of kids with me."

"Ah... so no chance of betrayal and absconding with your future offspring."

"Exactly."

"So, she is fun to be with and safe. But you still have an outstanding problem."

"What would that be?" I asked, knowing what it was.

"You want children of your own."

He was right. I didn't reply other than to nod.

"You are certainly in a quandary Luke," he said, nodding to himself. "Sooner or later, you will have to trust someone. And regrettably, it will not be this fine woman you are not threatened by."

I hardly knew Celia, so his prophetic seeing of my dubious future didn't bother me.

"Niles, how do you deal with it?"

"What? You mean, how do I trust Brenda?"

"Yes," I said. "Especially knowing what you know about people and how they step out on their spouses."

"Fair question," he said. "There are no guarantees in life, Luke. Bad things happen as well as good. Brenda has never given me cause to wonder. But that does not mean I am naïve. I keep my eyes open, and I had both my girls DNA tested some years ago. They are your half-sisters and my daughters, for your information. Still, my wife is an intelligent woman. If she ever decided to step out on me, she is smart enough to cover her tracks. Most women do Luke. And most husbands don't want to believe their loving wives would be the stepping out kind."

"Denial is bliss for some. Not for me," I replied. "I know they can. And if they can and do, my kids will be lost to me. I would rather not have kids under those conditions."