by hypnomechanic
A pretty good story and a nice twist, but I didn't really like the main character's quick capitulation; you had a great crisis built up with his legitimate sense of betrayal and then abandoned it with a very artificial-feeling change of mind.
Anyways, other than that it was great, lots of good sex and some fun scenes, do keep writing!
Very different in the mind control. Got another twisted tale in you????
This story just went from great to really really bad. Connor is such a wimp.. Cheating slut of a wife for five months and he accept that without a blink of an eye. Come on, have some common sense. I would have kicked her out immediately. Having a prostitute as a wife could never work.
I completely agree with the last comment here. This was a poor choice for a chapter and as an end for the story. This could have been solved in a different matter.
Very good novella and kudos on it's unique mc aspects. The only bad element is the somewhat abrupt ending. That is, John and Laurie were sexually exclusive for almost four chapters and you end the series with stranger sex occurring on it's last page. Judging from the comments, I think most readers would like to have read more about Laurie's experience with others. DO consider another mc tale where the beautiful wife is taken by others for their selfish desires. Thanks for your contribution.
Thankss for the feedback! I really appreciate it. I know the conclusion didn't suit some of you...an I understand why you would think that and appreciate the honesty.
currently working on another story that I'm much more passionate about and have been working on for awhile. This story is one that was quick and fast and not worked out as well it could have been. Hopefully, the next one will be much more palatable for all of you.
that could have been great. sorry it you want just whores write gangbang stories and if you want to be a cucky well then write...
but don't pretend to spice up a couples sex life and then turn around like that.
I'll be frank.
-The group sex didn't really fit the story. At all.
-You kept switching from thrid person to first person, which is bad style and since you chose to be the power figure in the story, rather tastless.
Have Laurie distract the ladies; step two, subdue the nutty professor; step three, convince Julie to help hypnotize John; step four, take him for everything, and make him want to give it all up. Fit punishment for John taking what wasn't his.
wow wonder how many different people partied with your wife while she had no idea
wonder what diseases she is bringing home to share
and that those times he had no sex and his wife was used as a sex toy
btw why is John still alive? afraid one of two things would happen, i would press charges on John and divorce the slut, or only i would come out of there alive......
And the real victims are the kids. Let's face their mom cheated on their dad for 5 months, their dad is a control freak who doesn't want a partner but a sex toy and where that leave them?
Sad sad sad.
Why I felt like I have read this before. Go read 14 Day Program. But I think you could have made this more realistic by playing out the real reaction instead of turning it into a "oh well, lets all have sex". At least in that other story it ended realistcally- the guy couldnt handle it. I just think you could have played this different and still come up with a good ending.
This last chapter was too much too fast, but I think you've realized that. I liked the way that you built the tension in Ch. 3 in a way that made him seek out some advice, but Ch. 4 just pulled the rug out too fast.
Having him drugged and restrained was definitely over the top, when there should have been less violent ways to achieve his realization (for example, his wife talking to him) and telling him what was going on. His conversion from being so concerned about the wildness of his wife's behavior to the group orgy was just too fast and out of character.
Another possible story arc would be to have him gradually realize all of this himself and discover that he, too, was under John's control and to have them need to escape (a la Boratus' "My Fair Slut" series).
But for this just to be the end of the story leaves the reader with whiplash.
Yeah, I think the problem people have is that the second half of this story just doesn't match. It's not that the conspiracy and cheating and drugging are bad devices, they were just so entirely out of the blue. Like you said, it makes sense if you were getting anxious to move onto another story, but it's always fine to leave one story hanging for a while while you focus on another. Who knows, it may have given you ideas to help spread the twist out more smoothly and gradually.
Either way, it's always nice to have dedicated MC writers here and I'm glad this one is getting a lot of attention. Will hopefully be encouraging!
Oh, and to counter a few of the anons: I don't think the husband's choice to forgive the wife for cheating is unreasonable at all. Just - like the rest of it - too abrupt considering this is a story in 4 parts.
when does he figure out that his wife is a whore, he is under john's control, his kids are caught in the middle and are sad,sad,sad and john is a slave master? julia and abigail are also whores and are hypnotically crazed.
if the kids found out what happened, ieg. they heard their parents' nighttime fun, they'd probably disown their mom and dad, head to a foster care home and forget about their parents.
don't listen to all the neagtivity, this isn't everyones cup of tea but its still a very good story!
Laurie put suggestions in her husbands mind to get interested in hypnosis to make her his willing sex slave, which she wanted! She got a real hypnotist to train her to respond to her husbands commands and only remember his training as her Master was the beginning of her submission. Hot story!!Great author!!
You need something to train? Buy a dog. You treat people like this? You go to jail. He should have left them all to play with themselves, divorced her and made sure HE wasn't drugged and controlled. Time to move a long ways away. Change your name. Dye your hair. Anything to get away from these people.
I would like to read everything that happened between John and the wife during the course of the five months of training. Very hot! And how come you never wrote anything else of this genre?
if it were me in his position, i'd first go along with their plan, then kill the man and wife in their sleep. Not just because of the cheating, but the thought that a guy with mental control over you and your wife is like like a hidden blade by your throat, it would be up to the mans moral compass which so far has been shown to be corrupt. You wrote THE END but left out a pile of loose ends.
But like so many others you need an editor badly....have you read your story since it has been submitted? Some of the sentences don't even make sense! The spelling is awful and it ruins the story to a large degree!
But I did enjoy the gist of the story and wish you had went into more detail about his wife and John etc. Also what went on after they left John's place and some of the scenarios that must have come about. Keep writing and more about these characters would be great!
that was a... (marklill) brilliant story with a hot twist (2@) would love to send a pic of my wife for you doing as she does similar... (bigpond) to this story in (dotcom) brackets is how to contact
Really enjoyed this story, one of those that you can’t wait to get to the next page and never want the story to end. Thank you so much. I want to read everything else you have written.
Not bad but needs some work. I thought characters got mixed up some times. And I also recommend independent editing.
Great series and although I could see a twist coming towards the end I didn't spot what it was. More please as Connor and John become firm friends and invite a few more women into ther 'Harem'.
Can someone please tell me though, of the many stories I've read, why do Americans spell the word 'too' as in 'too many', spell it 'to'... were you not taught proper English at school and a woman's waist is not spelt waste (as in rubbish) !