Wings

Fuck! I shook my head and made my way to my own room and a shitty sleep.

When I discussed it with Elly the following weekend I was wondering if I needed to tell Lara what had happened.

"Oh, hell no, Jax. Really, nothing happened and she really doesn't need the worry. God, you know how her self-esteem is. Jesus, look at us. Telling her would be cruel."

"But what if she finds out somehow?"

"Finds out what? That a girl made a pass and you turned her down? You're thinking too much. Now where were we before your conscience ruined the moment?"

I lay awake long after we had sex and thought of Lara long miles away. In the morning, she wasn't. She was sitting in the kitchen sipping coffee and sternly looking at something on her I-pad when I stumbled sleepy and still smelling of last night's sex toward the coffee machine.

"Lara. I..."

Her smile is sad in the corners and I wonder if she's looked in the bedroom where Elly and I were sleeping naked.

"What are you doing home? I didn't expect you until Monday. Is everything okay?"

She shook her head and her eyes would not meet mine.

"What's wrong? What's going on?" I watch her face twist through different emotions and then she just burst into tears. Worse, when I reached for her to hold her, she slapped me away. So, I stood there with no idea at all of what to do.

Her sobs brought Elly out with a sheet wrapped around her. "Lara sweety, what's wrong?" She looked to me for information but all I could do was shrug. "Come on, Lara. Talk to me. Are you upset because you found us in bed together?"

"No." Lara choked out. "Not that. I... I've..." Tears choke out her speech and buries her face in her hands and speaks quietly between her fingers, "I've been having an affair."

And just like that the pedestal I've had her on crumbled. My world fell down with it and my own tears mocked me. The sick ache in my chest led me to the verandah where I leaned on a post and looked out over my empire of grass that suddenly meant absolutely nothing to me. My head filled with questions of who, and when, and where, and the how of it horrified me.

Elly kissed me on the cheek a short while later as she hussled the boys out to her car, "Jaxon sweety, she needs you. Go and talk. I know you hurt but she needs you more than ever right now."

"Don't touch me." She snaps when I put a hand on her shoulder. "I hate myself. Don't touch me. Sit down."

I make coffee first. I don't know if I can do this without it. I don't know if I can do this at all. When I sit across from her, she finally raises her red teary eyes to mine. "Shh."

"Three months. Have you wondered why I've had so many more trips to Roma recently? Probably not. He... Warren."

"Your-"

"Yes, my manager out there."

"God Lara."

"I know. At first it was just flirty. There was an attraction there and it felt really nice to be... So stupid. So, I scheduled extra trips to explore the... God, I hate myself right now. Why aren't you screaming and yelling?"

Shrugging, I tell her, "I'm just hurt and it's not like I have some lofty moral high ground. You came home to a house where your friend was sleeping naked with your husband, God Lar's."

"Ha. I told myself that too. He's sleeping with Elly, so why can't I see where this goes? It was bullshit and don't even argue with me. You and Elly... That's not cheating. That's honest and for fucks sake, I encouraged it. I was so sure you would be the one to... Not me. And then." And then she's crying again. I ache to comfort her but think she'd slap me away again. I'm angry with her too and don't like the feeling.

"So, do you love him?" I have to know. It hurts to even think it, but I need to know where I stand. "Are we over?"

"No." She shakes her head, "Not like that. I like him. He's attractive and funny and makes me feel attractive. That's how fucking stupid your wife is."

"So how long have you been sleeping with him? We've been... this whole time and god, that's mucky." The thought of performing oral sex on her this whole time while she's let another man... I make it to the sink in time to vomit my coffee up. I can hear her sobbing again quietly as I rinse my face.

Wiping the tears from my face I return to my seat.

"Not... No sex. Almost, but no."

"So, you're telling me you've been having an affair but not having sex? I'm supposed to believe that? And god damn, I've been rooting Elly and that's not an affair? This is doing my fucking head in, Lara."

"That's just it. You an Elly are open and honest. There's no potential for that relationship to hurt me. I've hidden this... thing... for ages. Snuck around. Kept secrets. Had, 'business dinners'. The fact that I felt I had to keep it secret tells the truth of it. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. Not a fucking huge fan of myself at the fucking moment, Jax."

She rises and wanders off down the hall to use the bathroom. I sit and let the turmoil swirl in my head. So many questions, so many fears, so many emotions all swirling in a quagmire of heartbreak.

"He kissed me. We had finished dinner last night and he walked me back to my unit. We'd laughed and had a great night. I had a few wines." She's leaning against the hallway wall where it opens into the kitchen. "Then at my door he kissed me. I was shocked at first, then I was kissing him back. Part of me was about to drag him into my room. I thought about you and Elly and thought I could give myself permission and then I saw your face in my mind and thought I could do this thing and you would be just as beautiful as you always are and would forgive me far too quickly and the shame of the whole thing just broke me."

For my part, I mostly stare into my coffee. I'm starting to understand her perspective on things. My relationship with Elly, while sexual is not a threat to our love. This thing she is admitting to me is deceitful, dangerous and destructive.

"I pushed him away. He apologised, but he was smiling. I showered and scrubbed and washed my hair, but I still felt so dirty. I got in the car and drove home."

"Have you even slept?"

"No."

"So, what now?"

"Well that depends. Do you still love me?"

I'm nodding before I even answer. "Yes. I never stopped. This really hurts but how you're dealing with it makes me hope; hope we can... Makes me trust you still. Wait, do you still... God, do you still love me, Lara? Is that why it happened. Have you-"

Then I can't speak because she flops into my lap and kisses me hard. When she draws her lips from mine finally, she looks so ashamed.

"I never stopped. I just behaved like a stupid little girl. A stupid, selfish little bitch. I don't deserve you Jaxon. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm not even going to ask for it. But can you please just do one small thing for me?"

"If I can, I will."

"Take me to bed and hold me. I'm so tired and I hate myself right now."

"You're going to run away again, aren't you?"

She nodded slowly. "I need to think. I've booked some counselling for myself down in Lismore. I'll be at Mum and Dad's for about two weeks, I think. Elly says she'll stay and help with the boys. And you... I guess."

"I don't think that's a good idea for the time being. Not until you and I are back on track."

"This is why I love you, Jax. Your heart can take such a beating and still feel first for others."

"Come on then." I lift her up and carry her to our bed. She's out like a light in moments and I just lay there sifting through the fallout in my heart. Perhaps, if I can just hope she's learned one thing from it all, please let it be that she is an attractive woman. Not just to me. Maybe if we can squeeze one small drop of self-esteem from this whole mess she's made, that would be a good one.

Emotional exhaustion lulls me off to sleep beside her and when I wake, her little car is gone and so is she. There's a trail of dust coming down the driveway that tells me Elly is returning with the boys. Later that night when they've gone to bed I find out that Lara told her pretty much all that she told me with the exception that she was also really worried about the business dynamic and how to handle that now.

"It's just going to be so awkward for them."

"I'm not really sure I give a single fuck about his feelings, and Lara will just have to work out how to make that work. I guess this is just one of the consequences she has to work through. If it was up to me, I'd like for them to have nothing to do with each other. Obviously, he's a threat to our relationship. Personally, I'd like to punch him in the throat and tell him to fuck right off. Not sure that we can help with that."

"You maybe not, but I'm part of the business so it's something I have to think about. You want some distracting?" She smiles naughtily at me, "This must have been quite a mess for you."

"No Elly, no more for now. Not until Lara and I work through this and maybe 'us' will end up a casualty of it all. I don't know. I just hope we-"

"You'll be fine Jaxon."

"I could use a good hug and a cuddle buddy though, Elly. I'm all over the place."

Every night that week Lara rang to speak with the boys and then to cry through whatever emotional mess she'd struggled through with her counsellor that day. Come Thursday, I'd had enough. I was worn out too. Lara's feelings were important to me but for fucks sake I hurt too and couldn't be the one for her to spill her guts on every night.

God, she kissed a bloke. So? Oops, don't fucking let that happen again. I was fed up. My feelings hurt. Not over the kiss, about where her head and heart went. I spoke briefly with Elly that Thursday night before getting in the ute and turning it west.

Six hours later I rolled out my swag on the tray and fell fast asleep under the gumtrees, beside the Moonie River. The next couple of days, I fished and cooked on a little fire and let the bush rekindle the spent part of my spirit. I walked barefoot in the black soil and soaked up the mother country where my people came from.

My phone was on the coffee table back home. Alan could field my calls for a while.

I ate what I caught or foraged. You can still find some bush tucker about but you can't rely on it. The fishing was good though and there were crayfish in my pot most nights as well. The little store in Thallon had supplies I'd forgotten in my rush to go walkabout. Things like toilet paper and toothpaste and the lady at Hotel Francis let me use the showers there.

Underneath the stars one night as I lay on my swag, I wondered when the last time I felt this relaxed was. Maybe I was partly to blame for the whole show as well. Initially, Lara was the driven one and I was always available. Now though, just the thought of the turf business drags stress back up from where I thought it forgotten. Maybe our relationship only had space in it for one driven person at a time.

Fucks me. I'm just a mechanic not a psychologist. All I knew was I had to step back a little from the farm and somehow make more time for Lara and the boys. Where things were now, was not what I wanted in my life. I'd be just as happy picking up a pay check from a garage and going home to simplicity. I don't need the Taj Mahal that my life has become.

"Jaxon honey. Wake up sleepy."

Something wet touches my lips and I jerk upright from my swag to find Lara standing beside the ute smiling at me.

"Jesus, when you fucking run away you really put the miles in." She says.

"Hey... it's what?" The sun is just up and I'm a little disoriented. Maybe I'm dreaming this.

"Your Mum ratted you out." She kisses me again and her face. She's smiling. This is my Lara. "Room in there for me? I'm only little."

When she crawls in beside me and falls quickly to sleep my world is right again. I hold her in my arms in the eucalyptus laden air of dawn and drink deeply of the smell of her skin and hair. Maybe my mother country can put us back together properly.

"How'd you even get here?" Are the first words I speak when she sits up in the swag to stretch. I'm making billy tea on the little fireplace and I've been puzzled because her car is nowhere to be seen.

"Yuck. Pew." She holds her nose. "What's that... yech."

"Lignum country. The wind turned to the west. Coming over the swamps now. Rain coming."

"Stinks."

"Yup."

"Laurie has my car in town. She came along for the drive. She was worried I'd fall asleep or get lost and she wanted to visit some people."

"The boys?"

"With her."

There must be a lingering look of suspicion in my eyes as I hand her cup of tea to her. "No milk sorry."

"I'm really sorry. I made such a really big fuss over something so..."

"Kind of silly? You know I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing all of that. It's not like you even fucked him."

"I got a fright. For just a little moment I saw what I was doing and it horrified me. It's not what I wanted for us. Not how I saw myself ever being."

"Fair enough. Can we please put it behind us now, love?"

"Not quite." She smiles at me with her head tilted to the side. "I've been doing a lot of thinking. And talking. Okay, mostly talking and a little thinking."

I'm bushed. Mostly I'd been enjoying not thinking and just being.

"So Jaxon, I'm stepping back from Pheonix. It's well and truly up and running and my family has made too many sacrifices for my ambition. I'm selfish sometimes when it comes to wanting to achieve things and this whole thing with Warren has highlighted how disconnected I'd become."

Nodding, I sip tea and listen. I'm not really happy to hear his name and it must show on my face.

"I know. You probably don't want the nitty gritty of it but he's part of the reason I'm stepping back too. He offered me his resignation but that wouldn't be fair on him. I am just as responsible as him for what happened and it doesn't seem right to punish him. The thing is though I don't want to have any contact with him now. I'm embarrassed and it would be awkward and you... Well, I don't want you wondering for even a second... You with me?"

"Hmm." I'd rather be fishing. They've been on the chew at around this time the last couple of days.

"So, I've spoken with Elly and she'll become operations manager. I'll do a couple of days administration and direction in the office at home with Natalie. Do you think you'll be able to cope with having me around a bit more?" There's a cheeky smirk to her face.

"Gonna be tough, but I guess I'll soldier on."

Her laughter is welcome after the weighty conversation.

"Oh, and another thing." She looks at me sideways and bites her lip. "The boys are big now. I'm getting older."

"Don't be silly."

"I want another baby."

"Oh... Oh!"

"Well not right this instant. But I've stopped taking the pill and..." She's watching me like she expects some kind of statement or reaction.

"Let me finish my cuppa and we'll get working on it right away."

"I love you, Jaxon."

"You will in a minute. I've only got a couple of sips left."

She giggles at my wiggling eyebrows, but suddenly her smile falls from her face. A dark look etches itself on her features, "You still... 'want' me Jax? Are we good?"

"Want you? Never stopped. Look Lara, if nothing else at least you know now that I'm not the only bloke in the world that finds you attractive. Maybe you can give that ridiculous self-esteem of yours a little boot in the arse and forgive yourself for being human. God, the way you handled things, I feel like one of the lucky ones. Stop beating yourself up. I forgive you. Maybe you should too, hey?"

She puts her empty teacup down and bounces down off the back of the ute to smile her way over to me. Wrapping her arms around me, she cranes up for a kiss and I drop my cup to the grass. Our lips and tongues say all of the things that we can't voice and when we break she giggles again at the tenting in my shorts.

"He still likes me."

"He sure does."

By the time she's dropped to her knees in the grass, her clothes lie in a pile next to her knees. She drags the waist of my shorts down and frees me into the morning air. A smile splits her lips and they welcome me into the warm wet slurping reclamation blow job. It occurs to me that I've not had a real sexual thought since she took off last week. I'm fucking having some good ones now though.

"Mmmph." She grunts and pulls off my now rock solid erection. "Put that home, Jax honey."

As she bends forward to hold the silver trunk of the big old gum tree I slot quickly, deeply inside her burning hot wet depths.

"Hard. Harder. Take me. Own me Jaxon. Own me." She thrusts back in synchronicity with my own surging thumps against her and in only moments I slam home and hold her hips hard against me. Each pumped surge of semen that leaves my body drags a guttural groan from her lips as her fingers flutter at her clit and then she milks me. Her body pulses on my softening dick and she moans noisily into the quiet Australian bush.

Later, we fish. I made a pole for her from a fallen branch and tied some forty pound line to it. Out here you can't be sure you won't hook a big cod, so it's good to go heavy. She giggles as she baits her hook like I showed her with the mully grub and sits where I show her, back from the edge so she doesn't spook the fish that shelter in the roots of the tall gum on the water's edge.

Jig, jig, jig, and her surprised squeal and danced glee fill me with vicarious joy. I watch as she pulls the line in, fist over fist.

"Not too fast. Not too hard. Let him get a little tired. That's it, okay, swing him up on the bank now."

It's a nice small cod. It measures sixty and a bit centimetres but it's not important. My indigenous status means this is traditional hunting grounds and the usual laws don't apply. We get lots of photos for her on her phone. I'd 'forgotten' mine.

As I watch her joy unfold I fill with hope for our future. This is my phoenix girl back.

I'm showing her how to clean and fillet it and she doesn't balk at the task as some women might.

"Just along these bones here, Jax?"

"Yup, doing good. Don't worry so much. I'll show you how we cook the frame too. Hey Lara?"

"Hmm?"

"No more Elly."

"Oh god, Jaxon. Don't be fucking ridiculous. We've had this conversation a hundred times."

"No. You listen this time..."

"Whatever." She laughs and skins the fish like I showed her; holding the skin and keeping the knife flat, I smile at her concentration.

"It's... Look. When I imagined my life as a married man, it's not how I saw it playing out. I didn't wake up one day and think, "Marriage would be good if I could have a mistress too." It's not what I want. I want just you. And admit it. You said it was something you considered when you thought about you and Warren. It's another damn complication in an already complicated life. Face it, Lara, recent times have shown us both that marriage is hard enough without adding complications."

"Hmm. I just think Elly-"

"Elly shmelly. This is about us. Elly is going to be all sorts of busy with her new role. And she'll be fine. Before you came along, she was fine with us stopping when I had girlfriends. It should never have started up again. One of the only reasons I let myself... You needed..."

"My silly self-esteem. I get it. But just... Well you know how I feel."

"I'm making Alan manager of the farm too. He and Sue can hire another couple of workers. I'll spend a day in the garage and a day in the office. The rest of the time I'm gonna spend with you and the boys. If these few days out here have taught me anything it's that I've cluttered my life with too much. All I really need is a place to sleep, food and water. Family was the only thing I missed."

"Fine pair." She smiles up at me from where she squats at the cutting board. "My hands smell. Come down here and kiss me, weirdo."