Wives from Among Women

He's watching me as I rise. I don't think he's capable of judgment.

Every time I look at him, I feel- Loved. Like all the love I'd felt in the past was a sad imitation of this Love that burns through me, leaving my heart exposed and vulnerable. My heart's so full it hurts to walk away and let the emptiness trickle back in.

I rub my hollow chest.

More tears come, and I'm sobbing at the breakfast table. There's no banishing the memories, this time. I clutch my barren stomach and weep with the grief of a mother, never made. I thought I'd come to terms with the pain long ago but it wells up again, fresh as the day I lost my first, and as painful as the day I lost my sixth.

Soon, the deep emptiness subsides, like it always does, and I dry my eyes. A miserable laugh escapes me as I remember, again, that I have an angel in the living room, and I left him to bawl in the kitchen.

His face brightens when I enter.

It soothes my bleeding heart.

"I'm sorry," I say, rubbing my neck. "I'm not used to-"

When I meet his eye again, I realize there's nothing to apologize for, nothing to be forgiven. There is no withheld Love, not truly. It flows effortlessly from him and I soak it up. He made no summoning gesture but I sense he wants me closer.

I go to him, my pulse rising as he reaches for me, catching me against his chest.

Our collision sparks like white fire.

Where he touches burns with radiance, and my every nerve is alive. As if I've been wandering through life asleep, my eyes are finally open. All the colors barred from me heighten, and the world falls away to reveal pure energy manifesting.

His mouth closes over mine and I taste nirvana.

My fingers lace through auburn hair, clutching it by the roots as I mount him. His touch sears where they catch me, leaving afterimages in my vision. I don't know where my clothes have gone, burnt up, probably, between our heat.

But there's no shame in this.

This is perfect, radiant union is good.

Wings sweep around us, and a distant panic catches up with me. He allays it with another kiss, setting my every hair on end as our tongues dance. He purifies my flesh as he passes over it in sweeping strokes, bringing me to life.

The weight of him inside me is bliss.

I ride the currents, that wave of energy originating from him, and all around, as he surges in turn. It's a dance we both know without uttering a word.

We're not in my living room anymore.

I don't know where we are but I do know I have nothing to fear. The sweep of brilliant wings curl around us as weightlessness encompasses me. I drift only long enough for him to draw me back in, cradling me against his chest.

I kiss the underside of his jaw, and a rumble escapes him.

Blissful lucidity makes me drunk, soon enough, and I'm so full of light I feel I'm about to burst. Our eyes lock and gratitude is transferred between us.

There's a shift in his energy.

He's all around me, over me, under me, inside and outside, so I don't know which way is up. I inhale his sweet, airy breath on a kiss, and taste the heat of his skin.

Love, his lips say without a word. All is Love.

The grief I've held onto for so long melts away. There is no room for it when I'm so full of his Love. I catch his lips as he fills me to overflowing, making me cry out. But it's bliss as his wings close over me, cradling me against him as my eyesight blurs.

The mandalas fade as I loll.

I cling tight to him, not wanting him to disappear. When his eyes meet mine again, they're gentle. He shifts me in his arms and lays me down, haloed by proud, wide wings that stand on their own. They're so bright, I'm surprised I'm not blinded by them.

He leans in and strokes the hair from my sweat-laced forehead before kissing it. When he speaks, his voice is so deep it radiates like thunder through me. "Sleep."

I can only obey.

*

I wake, renewed.

My body hums with delight as the morning sun cuts through the windows and scatters across the floor. I hear, more clearly than ever, the trill of birds celebrating the dawn, and everything is hazy with saturated colors.

There's a mess of pillows and blankets on the floor, but no angel.

It takes me a minute to realize he's gone, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Panic doesn't come but confusion does. He was injured, just last night. He couldn't even stand yet. Then, I remember our union in flashes too voluminous for my tired brain to handle.

We had sex. Or, whatever sex is with an angel.

I don't feel sore, physically, though I check every inch of me.

My clothes are intact. That's a relief. But there's a vibration in me that's different. It's subtle, like a deep gong, too low to hear but it brings me peace. Like he left part of his Love inside me.

A sudden knock at the door startles me.

"Miss Lisa?"

I let out a breath. "Yes! One minute!"

The blankets I throw on the couch in a haphazard mess. I don't care about that. I care about a stray angel wandering around, garnering attention I can't afford. He's not in the kitchen, in the upstairs, or the back rooms. I'm more than a little disappointed when I can't find him.

The knock comes again.

I answer with some impatience. "Yes, Aaron?"

The boy shifts on his feet, throwing a thumb in the direction of the orchard. "I came early to work in the orchard but-"

I look around him. "What?"

"It seems you've already got help."

Confusion grips me. "I've been taking care of..." I swallow down my response. "I mean, show me what you're talking about."

He plunks down the stairs and I follow, ducking into the orchard, the barrels filled high with fresh apples, and only a few overripe ones litter the ground. They're ready for market.

I stare agape as Aaron talks.

"I figured, after this weekend, you'd need a little extra help. I was really hoping to get a few more hours in because I wanted to take Beth to the city soon but I guess the work's done." He seems a little dejected at the lost opportunity.

"Not at all," I say. "I've still got loads of work for you if you're interested."

He brightens markedly.

I'm too distracted to reciprocate, wondering where the angel is. I clap his shoulder and walk him back to the dirt path. "Come back tomorrow and I'll put you to work."

Aaron nods. "Thank you, Miss Lisa."

"Don't mention it," I say, waiting until he's out of sight before searching high and low for the angel that disappeared.

*

By the time I've scoured the property, I come away with only a single feather.

I don't even know if it's his but I keep it in my breast pocket for safekeeping. I'm folding the blankets on the couch when I feel the weight of his presence.

I look up, steeped in relief. "There you are! I was looking for..."

He's different than before, brighter. His eyes aren't gray anymore, but platinum white, like his feathers. His wings are spread wide, and I don't know how he can fit in my living room. His skin glows in the light of his own glory, and his hair sways in an unearthly wind. I have the unusual urge to prostrate myself at his feet.

But the softness is present in his features as he kneels, drawing a knuckle over my cheek. His awesome presence makes me forget myself. Touching him is like a live wire but I can't let go. He'll disappear again, and this time, he won't return.

Tears of light well in my eyes. "I don't want you to go."

He captures my face, and when our lips meet, I understand everything.

It doesn't make our parting any less painful.

Before we break, I sense his departure, his light fading from the room, leaving it cold and gray. I despair, still feeling the lingering effects of his caress.

I inhale thin air, bland in the absence of him.

The phone rings and I ignore it until it goes to voicemail. It rings again when I'm staring at my hands that touched divinity. Will I ever know such Love again? I doubt it, rising with the resignation of duty. When the phone rings for the third time, I pick it up. "Yes?"

"Lisa! Oh, my god. You didn't answer and I was really worried after your last call."

"I'm fine, Abby."

"I still wanted to talk with you to make sure your 'angel' problem was taken care of." She seems to think it's code for something else. "Were you able to get things figured out?"

I pull the lone feather from my pocket, which glows softly in contrast to the dark kitchen. "I- yeah. Turns out it wasn't as big a deal as I thought."

"Good," she says on a sigh. "And- have you thought about selling?"

My jaw tightens. "I have."

There's excitement in her tone. "And?"

"I've no intention of selling the farm. It's my home." She starts to argue but I talk over her, calm and collected. "You're always welcome here but I won't hear another word about it. I've made up my mind."

Abby gives pause before she speaks again. "You always were the overachiever."

I laugh, though there's no humor in it.

"I guess- I can't convince you, huh?"

"But promise me you'll come to visit when the season is over. The kids miss you. They nag me about it all the time."

I nod though I know she won't see it. "Of course. I'll let you know when I can."

"Love you, big sis."

There's a break in my icy resolve. "I Love you too."

*

I wipe the sweat from my brow, reveling in the good burn of my muscles as I hoist the stack of empty apple barrels onto the truck. Things are effortless, nowadays, and with Aaron's--and his new girlfriend, Beth's--help, we finish loading up in record time.

They'll be on that trip by next month, now that they're helping me at the market too.

"I think that's the last of them," Aaron says, pulling up the folding table. "It's lucky that vendors from out of town came to buy them up. I'm surprised they bought so many!"

I'm not. Luck seems to be following me everywhere, after my encounter with the angel. Maybe it's because I'm not pining for what I can't have, any longer. If it's meant to be, it will. I've tasted the divine and there's no uncertainty in it.

It's all around us.

I'm considering this as an odd sensation that churns my gut. It grips, and the scent of apples is overwhelming. I catch the lip of the truck before hurling onto the grass.

Aaron and Beth pause mid-sentence.

The sensation passes just as quickly as it came, and I'm left stunned.

"Miss Lisa?"

I hold a finger up, already grinning from ear to ear. I must look like a crazy person but I don't care. I've felt this before.

I'm pregnant.

A laugh escapes me, small at first, rising with my joy to echo through the empty tents. I look up at the sky in gratitude, filled with a Love I finally realize never went away. And I simply know that whatever comes, all will be well.

*

Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and the Love we shared in our brief passing. It has colored every interaction since. People slow when they see me and listen when I talk. Like they can sense the light of him burning inside me.

I carry him with me, wherever I go.

Things that I thought were important have become meaningless. And things that I passed over are now more vital than ever. I don't need quite the way I did.

There is joy in simply existing.