WTF?

"No Terri, it's not. You only saw him in situations that were good and cheerful occasions. You didn't see him when things were shit, so it's not a fair comparison. And for months you'd be picking fights with me over trivial crap. Hell, even in Dr. Mike's office, you couldn't be honest about what the real issue was!"

I sat there and looked at the ground.

"So, what do you want?" I looked her right in the face.

"I'm thinking I should have been more honest with myself, with you, with Dr. Mike about all the things that bothered me, and maybe I wouldn't have blown up our marriage. A few months ago, you seemed to be open to reconciling; I guess I want to know if you still feel the same way."

Wow. I didn't see that coming.

Long story short, she decided that she wasn't sure she wanted a divorce. She had started therapy and figured out I was not the root cause of her unhappiness. She realized she shouldn't have gotten involved with Rob, however short it lasted. And her therapist had her on some drugs that seemed to have levelled her moods.

I of course, was speechless. I had at times suggested we work things out, always to be met with anger and negativity. Then again, over the past few months, we had seemed to be getting along better.

Could I forgive and forget her jumping into her thing with Rob? She seemed to think that because she told me the marriage was over before she told Rob she wanted him, that meant it wasn't an affair. Semantics, semantics. Whatever.

I did realize that Rob was not the cause of our breakup. He was just a byproduct of our conflict.

I sat there saying nothing for a moment. "Um, this is a lot to lay on me. I need to think about what you said for a bit. I don't think I can answer you right now. Can I think about what you've said and maybe we can talk in a day or so?"

She lowered her head and softly said, "yeah, I didn't really think you'd say yes, so take your time, and let me know if and when you want to talk."

She left shortly afterwards, and I retired to my study with a tall tumbler of Jack Daniels to think. I had been on an emotional rollercoaster the past year between getting blindsided, then finding out she was basically strong-arming Rob into a relationship (more on that!) and then wishing we had resolved all our issues. Now, I didn't know if I wanted her back in the house, at least not right away. I had to think of the kids and their wellbeing. When she first hooked up with Rob, they were a little confused, then thought it was really cool, because after all, we're split up and Mom's happy, right? Wrong! Some things are just wrong.

But now they were really much more settled when they saw us getting along. Her feeling like she can stay longer when she comes by the house also made things appear more normal. Having her back and us reconciling would be good for them, and truthfully, I understood why she felt like she needed a divorce, just not the way she went about it.

I still wasn't sure I wanted to have her back and then have it all blow up again in a few months or a year.

In the end, though, I agreed that MAYBE, just maybe, we could reconcile and put things back together.

I called her up and asked her to meet me at the coffee shop in town.

"Terri, if you're serious about this, I think we need to set up some ground rules. Things both of us agree on. I don't want the kids to be hurt if things don't work out. And if either of us decides we need to divorce, then we tell the other person first."

She agreed. We started out just going on a few dates with each other and while it was somewhat awkward at first, we quickly slipped into a routine. Over the next few months, she started spending more time at the house and we had dinner as a family 2 or 3 nights a week, depending on our work schedules.

We made a point of sitting and talking a lot. Not just about our day or about the kids. But really talking about what we needed from each other and what we wanted to see and do.

We weren't yet sleeping together though. Things seemed a bit unsettled still.

One night, about four months after that talk, we went to the movies, just the two of us. The kids were at home by themselves for a few hours. The movie wasn't very good, and halfway through, Terri turned to me and said, "I think I can provide better entertainment than this, but you have to take me back to my apartment."

I looked at her and said, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, and don't ruin the evening by asking me again."

We ended up at her apartment and I have to admit, the sex was pretty good. Better than it had been the past few years of our marriage. Then again, I hadn't been laid in over a year.

We both were a little tentative when we walked into her bedroom. But then she started undressing, and I did too. That's when I got a surprise. Her thick bush was now neatly trimmed and very short.

"What's with the new look? I asked.

"Well, Linda from work was saying that most women shave or wax these days, and that guys seem to really like it. And that you would be less likely to find a hair in your mouth! I always felt self-conscious whenever you would go down on me, so I was hoping to feel a little sexier."

"I like it!"

And proceeded to show her my appreciation. We were a little hesitant in our coupling, but then it had been probably a year and a half since the last time we'd fucked. And we weren't on the best of terms back then.

That seemed to be a turning point in our new relationship. Things just began to feel more comfortable, and we were more at ease with each other.

A year and a half after she first said she wanted a divorce; she moved back home. She actually had started spending the night at the house sometimes before we actually decided to move her back in, so it wasn't too weird when she actually did move in.

Surprisingly, the kids adapted to our renewed marriage easily, and things seemed pretty good. Even our sex life was, well, not spectacular, but at least as good as when we were first married. And Terri seemed to want to continue to improve things in that regard.

Publicly, we appeared to have weathered the storm. She'd tell people that therapy had helped her, that I was gracious enough to forgive her, and pretty much everyone seemed to accept that version of events. Oh, I got some ribbing from some guys about being a wimp, or a pussy. "How could you give in to her?" seemed to be the general theme.

I wasn't worried. I was playing the long game. If things worked out, great. If not, I'd be in a better place. To hell with the people making snide remarks, it's not their life.

As far as work, that actually was not the problem you might expect. Like I said, Rob never talked about what had happened, if fact, one day, a few weeks after he broke things off with Terri, he asked if he could speak with me. We went out on the walking path around our facility and he apologized for things and said he would not be seeing her again, that it was just wrong to have gotten involved with her.

Having already gotten some satisfaction that she was devastated, and knowing he was feeling guilty, I didn't need to exact any retribution. Oh, I don't speak to him to this day. Our friendship, such as it was, is over, but I didn't need to waste energy on him. Years later, he actually met someone and got married. I had a chuckle when I found out he became a dad at the age of 49; so much for retiring early!

So, life went on and as the years went by, we seemed to be doing all right.

And now back to the present. What the hell, you wonder?

Like I said, when we split 7 years earlier, we had amicably negotiated a Property Settlement Agreement that covered how things would be divvied up, child custody, visitation, etc. And most importantly, protected my pension and investments from being divided in half. Oh, she'd get some, but not even half. And that PSA was still in effect. Because buried deep in those 20+ pages there was a clause that stated that the agreement would survive and be in full effect unless expressly revoked by the parties, irrespective of any reconciliation or cohabitation of the parties.

Note that "expressly revoked" part. As in writing.

IE, my get out of jail free card. And I didn't have to wait a year! You see, now that the kids were no longer minors, the waiting period just dropped to 6 months. Chloe was already off at college, and Danny had just graduated and turned eighteen. He was enlisting in the Reserves and going to community college before transferring to UVA.

So, what's the problem? Why did I just drop a bomb on my wife?

As far as I know, she'd been faithful, she'd been a good mother, a pretty good wife to all appearances, and if you had asked around, most of our friends would have said they thought we had a decent marriage. Maybe not great, but pretty good.

Notice I said "most" of our friends. The problem was, even though we had "reconciled", I never got over the feeling of devastation that came from her walking out on me. Over the past 6 years, I had tried to get past it. Most of the time I could rationally evaluate things and realize we had a pretty decent relationship. We seemed to parent better this time as opposed to prior to the split. We even had an okay sex life. In some ways, it was better than the last few years before the split.

True, she wasn't very affectionate, especially in public, and would often make comments that us being back together was good for the kids. Rarely did she ever act like we were "in love" and truthfully, I didn't either.

I'm sure some folks will think I've just got a case of the empty nest syndrome, now that both the kids are out the door and into the world. I would disagree. If anything, the kids being gone just made it all the more obvious that Terri was just tolerating me. The past year or so things had slowly been fading, and I wanted to move on with my life before either of us got to the point where we resented the other.

When Chloe left for college, I had even suggested to Terri that we touch base with a counselor to help us adjust to not having both kids around all the time. Danny had his license and was gone half the time involved in some activity or another. I thought we needed something to keep us connected. Terri didn't think so and refused to go.

I realized the two of us seemed to be on different arcs, and our relationship probably would not survive. More importantly, did I want it to? I had really hoped that when we reconciled, we would truly "start over" and rebuild our relationship; be one united front and have that continue into our golden years. Now here I am, just past 50, and wondering what the next thirty or forty years are going to bring.

I had always enjoyed doing physical activities and sports. Over the years, I had somewhat drifted away from things I liked, as I needed to be more present with the family and their needs. I didn't go on as many long bike rides anymore. I only went sailing in my little boat two or three times a year now. Terri had no interest in either of those activities.

I went out to the garage and sat in my workshop. I sat there thinking about the past few years and realized our marriage was never really patched up. And probably never would be. The question was, did I want to continue just treading water with Terri, going through the motions? And what if she decided again that she wasn't that happy, and decided to walk? How would that affect me this time?

That's when I remembered our PSA, the one that we negotiated with 7 years earlier.

I called my lawyer and made an appointment for later the following week. The next several days I was pre-occupied wondering if this was the right thing to do. Did I really want to walk or should I make more effort? I figured since I hadn't done anything yet, it wouldn't hurt to find out where I stand. I'm sure I was a bit distracted, but Terri never once said anything. I don't think she even noticed I wasn't myself.

Thursday, I walked in to see Jon, my lawyer.

"Hey, long time no see. I'm guessing that's a good thing. Do you need to talk about estate planning?" He greeted me.

"No, not that. Jon, remember when Terri and I split up, you and her lawyer worked out the PSA based on what she and I had agreed on? Then we got back together, and for the most part, things have been pretty good. But I'm not seeing a future for us anymore. I think it's time to move on, and I'm not sure I care anymore. What I need to know is if we split up now, will that PSA still hold up even though it's been 7 years?"

"Well Ken, as you know, it does say that it remains in effect, even if you reconcile or cohabitate. But she can always try to challenge it in court. I guess the reality is you never know what a judge will do, especially if the circumstances are a lot different now than when your originally split."

"The other thing is, hopefully you'll remember my advice back then not to make any major financial commitments with her. Don't refinance the house, don't buy anything in both your names."

"Jon, that was probably the best thing you said to me back then. I've kept our finances separate, and she's only been contributing to the food and things for the kids. I've been paying all the house bills, so hopefully we're good there."

"Ken, I can only say you need to decide what's best for you. Good luck. Keep me posted, whatever you decide."

The next day, I took a personal day from work and hopped in my car. Years ago, I had bought an old Porsche 911 for cheap. It had over 100k miles and was going to need some work, but was in good running condition. It had been garaged, and I continued to do so. Now, years later, the market for air cooled Porsches was hot and I could probably get 2, maybe even 2.5 times what I paid for it.

I headed out to the racetrack as it was FATT; Friday At The Track. Getting a few laps in helped clear my head, and I knew what I needed to do.

The next couple of weeks were spent doing some real serious thinking about how to extricate myself from the marriage without totally ruining my relationship with the kids. While they were glad we had never divorced, they also knew that we were not as tight a couple as many of their friend's parents were. So, I don't think it will be a huge surprise to them.

I went back to see Jon and had him draw up papers to serve on her. I didn't want to have her served in person by some stranger or a deputy; that would be rubbing salt in the wound. He did say that I could serve her, and IF she accepted them, that would be legal. If she decided to contest the papers, then he would make arrangements to have her served officially. At least, that was the plan.

By now I had realized that I was close to being able to take an early retirement, and could get a job working for a Gov't contractor making a lot more money. More importantly, I could probably wrangle a deal to work part time or most of the time remotely. We could sell the house, walk away with some moolah, and be pretty well set financially. Since the kid's college was mostly saved for, we wouldn't have much expense there and neither of us would end up in a dump apartment.

Which brings us to today. I had seriously thought about this. I mean, I agonized over things; was I doing the right thing, or just reacting to the fact that she didn't seem as committed as I would have liked? I even waited almost a month after I told Jon to type up the papers. But I stopped by his office yesterday and Linda, his secretary, handed me the proverbial manila envelope.

I was home sitting at the kitchen table when Terri pulled in the driveway and walked in thru the laundry room door.

"You know, I really fucking wish you'd either get rid of that stupid Porsche, or clear some space out of the other bay so I can park my car inside instead of having to walk outside. Especially when it's cold or rainy."

"And good afternoon to you too, my lovely wife." I said with just a touch of sarcasm. "I don't think that will be an issue much longer, or at least not an important issue."

"Oh, you're finally going to do something for once?"

"In a matter of speaking, yes." And with that, I handed her the manila envelope.

"What's this," she said. "Mail come early?"

"Just read it," I took another sip of my beer.

She scanned the papers and glared at me.

"I suppose you're wondering why I'm doing this after 6 years." I said.

"You're fucking right I am. I came back here because you made it sound like you'd forgive me and it would be good for the kids and we'd put things back together." She was half yelling, half sobbing.

"Things have never really been the same since you left the other year. I didn't know how to make it better, but then I realized something a while ago. No matter what I did to improve our marriage, you could walk out again, and file for divorce at any moment. I just decided to beat you to the punch. And the truth is I just don't care anymore." And I walked out.

Later, once the screaming and shouting was over, we sat down and I told her everything I had thought about. How it felt like we were treading water, getting by, but not moving forward in our relationship. And yes, I still had some hurt from seven years earlier.

Terri was pissed for a while, but eventually I think it sunk in that this was probably for the best. Oh, her lawyer tried to fight the PSA and renegotiate it, but the fact that I had paid all the house related bills, and Terri hadn't contributed would have tilted things my way if it came down to the judge deciding. In the end they caved.

I guess I could have given her more of my pension since I had worked another seven years, and received several raises since the PSA was originally negotiated and signed, but I felt like this was the penalty for what she'd done before. And for what she hadn't done; namely been committed to us.

It took a while, but eventually Terri managed to be cordial and pleasant towards me. We did have to see each other for things like college graduation and other family type events.

Sometimes we even got together for lunch. Talked about the kids, other family stuff, never about us. There was no possibility of us reconciling, and I think she knew that, as not once did she even hint about trying again.

As for me, there was a part that felt like I took advantage of her in the divorce as I made out very well financially, but then I'd think about the emotional toll over the years, and any guilt I had passed. My life, while not what I had envisioned years earlier, was pretty good. I had found a great condo, and bought a bigger boat, so I spend a lot of time on the water these days. And it seems there's a market for single guys in their early 50's without baggage. Overall, life is good.

Postscript: In the actual world, there was no reconciliation for the couple where she cheated. The other couple had originally split just because of personal differences. Years after they reunited, the husband dropped the bomb on her. He was just "done" trying.