Your Silver Nights and Golden Days Pt. 05

"Oh, god, Virginia, that was incredible," she gasped, wrapping her arms around me. "Thank you for loving me."

"Always, my love," I said, fighting to hold back the tears. I was not going to ruin her mood, no matter what.

We laid there arm-in-arm until Bonnie's breathing had settled down. I rained little kisses on her face and lips until she dozed off, sated.

I held her for what seemed like hours, not wanting to fall asleep. I wanted this last time never to end. Bonnie looked so peaceful for a while. Then I noticed a pinched look on her face, and a slight moan came out of her throat as the pain from the cancer started overcoming the endorphin rush.

I shook her awake and said, "Sweetie, I think it's time for you to take a pill."

"Okay," Bonnie groaned as her eyes opened.

"Let me get it for you," I said as I let go of her and got out of bed.

I got a glass of water and one of her pain pills and brought it over to Bonnie. I helped her sit up, and she took her medicine and washed it down with a swallow of water. It would take a while for it to kick in. I crawled back into bed next to her to hold her in my arms.

Bonnie wrapped her arms around me and said, "I think Alice is a lovely person."

"Yes, she is," I said, wondering where this was coming from.

"I think the two of you would be good for each other," Bonnie said, a thoughtful look on her face.

"What?" I queried, suddenly realizing that Bonnie was making plans for me after she was gone.

"I don't want you to be alone after I'm gone," Bonnie replied. "I want you to find someone to love. I don't want you moping around for the rest of your life."

"I won't be alone. I'm going to be looking after Matthew and Mark," I said, not wanting to talk about this right now.

"I know that," Bonnie said. "But you still need someone to hold you and love you, someone you can hold and love. I spent too many years alone, and I don't want you to have to experience that."

"No one can take your place," I said. "It's just not possible. Besides, I'm not worried about that right now. I still have you here to love."

I could see Bonnie's eyes were starting to flutter shut as the pill took effect.

"I'm not going to be here much longer. Please just think about it," Bonnie said as her eyes finally closed.

"I will," I said, leaning in to kiss her lips. "I love you."

"I love you more," Bonnie whispered as she fell asleep, a peaceful look on her face.

"Not possible," I whispered back as tears welled up in my eyes.

***

Bonnie started going downhill the following week. The pain was getting bad enough that the hospice nurse had to set up a morphine drip for Bonnie.

I was at my desk, thinking the end would soon be coming when I got a call from Mary Ann to come up to see Alice. I went into Alice's office to find her sitting at her desk with a stricken look on her face. I asked, "What's wrong, Alice?" as I sat down.

"I just got a call from Barbara that, quote, 'General Fain needs you to get on a plane to the Pentagon right away,' unquote. I'm so sorry, Virginia. I've tried to push back on this because of your situation at home, but I can't do anything more."

"I know, Alice," I said, my heart sinking from the thought I could be gone when Bonnie died. "You've done so much for me. I can't ask you to risk your job anymore. I'll do it."

"I've already tasked Mary Ann to get your tickets and hotel reservation taken care of," Alice said, getting up and escorting me to the door. "You go home and get packed, and I'll have Mary Ann meet you at the airport with your tickets so you don't have to come back here."

"Thanks, Alice," I said. I walked back to my desk to get my purse and headed out to go home. I got there to find Grace in with Bonnie. The hospice nurse was sitting beside the bed, monitoring the morphine drip. Bonnie was awake, so I went over, took her hand, and bent down to kiss her.

"I love you, baby," I said after the kiss. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay right now. Why are you home so early?" Bonnie asked, her frail voice betraying her words.

"I have to fly into DC for a meeting at the Pentagon. I've tried everything to get out of it, but I've been ordered to go by General Fain," I explained.

"How long will you be gone?" she asked.

"It'll be three days minimum. Hopefully, I'll be back by Friday," I said.

"Hurry back. I'll wait for you," Bonnie said, a faint smile flickering across her lips.

"You better," I said, leaning in for another kiss while squeezing her hand.

I stood up and looked at Grace. "I need to pack and get to the airport right away," I said, pulling her in for a hug.

I then went and got my bag and started packing as fast as possible. In five minutes, I was ready to go. As I wheeled my bag out of the bedroom, the hospice nurse came out with me.

"How bad is it," I asked in a low voice. "Do you think Bonnie will hang on until Friday?"

"I don't know. It depends on how strong Bonnie is. It'll be close either way. The amount of morphine she's taking now will kill her in a few days if the cancer doesn't," she replied just as quietly.

"Thank you," I said. "Please ask Grace to come out here for a moment."

When Grace came out, I hugged her and gave her a piece of paper with a phone number. "Call this number if she starts to go," I said. "Tell them who you are and why you're calling. I'll be back on the next available flight."

"I will, Virginia," Grace said. "I'll keep her here as long as I can until you can get back."

"Thanks, Grace," I said, hugging her again. "I've got to go."

With that, I headed out to the car with my bag. I left to get to the airport, parking in the short-term parking lot to get to my car and go as quickly as possible when I got back.

I met Mary Ann at the terminal, and she handed me my tickets. The flight was getting ready to depart, so I had to hurry to the gate. I managed to make it and was the last one on. The flight took off, and I eventually made it to DC and my hotel.

In the morning, I took the Metro to the Pentagon. I got off the Metro and took the escalator up to the entrance of the Pentagon. After putting my bag through the X-ray machine, I stepped through the metal scanner and showed my ID to the guard. I picked up my bag and headed for the D-Ring to the office of the Deputy Undersecretary of Acquisition (DUA).

When I got there, I talked to Steve, the personal assistant for the DUA. I told him about my situation and that I was expecting a call. I told him that when it came, I was to be notified immediately, regardless of whether I was in the middle of a briefing. I handed him a list of all of the flights out of DCA to Dayton for today and told him that if I had to leave, to get me a ticket on the next plane going out. I gave Steve my credit card information so he could. I also gave him my hotel information so he could call and get me checked out and my luggage shipped to me if necessary.

Steve promised to take care of it if the call came. I thanked him and then went to the conference room where the meeting would take place. At every break, I called Grace to check on Bonnie. She was still doing okay. I made it through the first day and rushed back to my hotel to call and talk to Bonnie. She assured me she was doing okay and expected to see me Friday. She told me that she had spoken to Kathy today. Her voice was weak, but she still sounded like my Bonnie. I said goodnight to her and assured her I loved her more than anything.

Wednesday went just like Tuesday, with no call coming. The meetings went on, and I did my best to stay focused on what was happening here instead of what was happening back home. That night, when I talked to Bonnie, she sounded even frailer than before, and I was worried that the time was coming. Again, I said goodnight to her and assured her I loved her more than anything in the world.

Thursday morning came, and I called Grace before leaving the hotel. Grace was in tears. She told me that Bonnie had had a bad night and was in and out of lucidity, although she was sleeping at the moment. My heart clenched, and I knew the time was coming soon. I made sure my bag was packed, and I took it down to the hotel clerk and asked him to take it to the back and hold it in case I needed to leave abruptly.

When I got to the Pentagon, I talked to Steve. I warned him that a call could be coming today, that Bonnie had had a bad night. He assured me that if the call came, he would let me know immediately.

At 10 AM, the door to the conference room opened, and Steve popped his head in and motioned to me. Luckily, I wasn't presenting at the time, so I picked up my bag and quietly left. When I exited the room, Steve told me that the call had come.

"Thanks, Steve," I said. "When they come looking for me, tell them what happened and that I had left to go home."

"Sure thing, Virginia," Steve said. "I hope you make it. I'll take care of everything you asked me to. Here's your flight information."

I looked at the paper he handed me and noted that I needed to get to DCA in 45 minutes or I'd miss my flight. I ran through the corridors and out through the checkpoint, and down the long escalator to the Metro Station. Luckily, the next train to stop at DCA was just entering the station, so I jumped on. I made it to the airport and got on the plane just before they closed the doors.

I got off the plane as soon as the door opened. I sprinted through the concourse and out the front entrance to get to short-term parking. I got home in record time and ran into the house and into our bedroom, not even bothering to close the door. I passed the hospice nurse who was waiting outside the bedroom door.

I got there, out of breath, to find Bonnie talking to Grace. Matthew and Mark were sitting next to the bed, tears in their eyes. They looked up as I entered, and I went over to hug them, an arm around each of them. "I made it," I whispered to them. They hugged me back, and I could feel both of them sobbing.

Grace looked over and noticed I was there and turned back to Bonnie and said, "Virginia's here."

Grace then bent down, kissed Bonnie's cheek, and said, "I love you."

Bonnie said, "I love you, mom."

Grace stood up and stepped aside, tears falling down her cheeks, as I went over to Bonnie, picked up her hand, and looked down on her. She was so frail and wasted.

"Hey, sweetie, I made it," I said, squeezing her hand.

"Virginia," whispered Bonnie, her eyes fluttering open, "I need you to make me a promise."

"Anything, my love," I said, knowing what she was going to ask me. Even though I didn't want to, I knew I was going to promise her what she wanted.

"Promise me you'll find someone to love. Please, dear. I don't want you to be alone the rest of your life," she said, gathering the last of her strength to make her request.

"Only if you promise me something in return," I said, tears streaming down my cheeks. "Promise me you'll wait for me."

"I promise I'll wait forever for you, my love," she whispered, a small smile on her lips.

"I promise I'll find someone to love," I said as I bent down and lightly kissed her lips, knowing that this was the last time we'd ever kiss.

"You better," she whispered, her eyes closing, "or I'll kick your ass when I see you again."

Her breathing started getting ragged, and I could feel her slipping away. Grace and the boys gathered around me as they also sensed the end was coming.

"I love you," I said.

"I love ... you more," she whispered as she exhaled her last breath.

"I know," I whispered as I slowly collapsed to the floor.

***

The next morning I got a frantic call from Mary Ann, telling me I needed to get into the office immediately. Alice was being called into General Fain's office to be chewed out for what I had done the previous day. Frankly, I couldn't care less about what General Fain thought of my stunt yesterday, but Alice didn't need to take his ire for what I had done.

I told Grace that I needed to report to work and why. I donned my Class-A uniform and went into the office. Alice was still in General Fain's office, so I went there, pushed past Barbara, opened the door, and went into General Fain's office. He was in the middle of chewing Alice out when I barged in. They both looked up at me, startled by my entrance. General Fain barked, "What's the meaning of this?"

"Sir, if you have a problem with my actions, be man enough to take it up with me," I said. I didn't bother to come to attention or salute. The anger I felt was apparent in both my tone of voice and my face.

While General Fain sat there, stunned at my brusqueness, I turned to Alice and said, "I'll take it from here."

General Fain regained his composure and motioned for Alice to go ahead and leave. As she did, I took her place, faced General Fain, came to attention, and saluted.

General Fain glowered at me. I was glowering back at him just as hard. I had never been as angry in my life as I was at this moment. I would take out all of my frustrations accrued throughout my whole career on General Fain. He continued staring at me for what seemed like forever, expecting me to back down. When it became apparent that I wasn't going to, he saluted me back.

I dropped my salute and stood there at attention, waiting for General Fain to say something.

"You fucked up, Major!" General Fain barked.

"Is that the general's opinion, sir?" I asked, steel in my voice.

"You went AWOL, Major, and that is a fact, not an opinion!" he said a little more calmly.

"Yes, Sir! What is the General going to do about it?" I asked, still glaring at him.

"Nothing! God damn it, Virginia, sit down. Please." he said, all anger gone out of his voice.

"Yes, sir!" I replied, sitting down while maintaining eye contact. I wasn't going to give General Fain any opportunity to take back the initiative. I stayed at attention while sitting on the edge of the chair.

"Would you care to explain your actions, Virginia?" General Fain asked calmly.

"Sir, I received a call that someone I care for more than anyone else in the world was dying. If I wanted to see her before she died, I'd better get there quickly," I said, my anger still apparent in my voice.

"So, you just took it on yourself to take off without telling anyone?" he asked.

"Sir, I got to her fifteen minutes before she died. If I had taken any time to try to get permission, I'd have been too late," I said.

After a short pause, General Fain said, "I'm sorry to hear that, Virginia. My condolences. However, there is the 'elephant' in the room to consider."

"Yes, sir," I said. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted," said General Fain.

"That 'elephant' is moot. She's dead. There are two teenage boys who no longer have a mother. If it weren't for their grandmother, they'd be going into foster care because I have no legal standing to take care of them because of obsolete laws and prejudices. I'm not planning on going out today and just start sleeping around, or anytime soon, for that matter."

I paused to gather my thoughts and went on, "By going AWOL, I was insubordinate, and I must be punished for it. A letter of reprimand is in order, and I will sign it. However, revealing my illegal 'sexual proclivities' at this time, with all of the congressional attention this program is facing, can only hurt it. This program must succeed for the future protection of our country."

"You've got that right, Virginia," General Fain said. "Very well, consider yourself confined to quarters until I figure out how I want to handle this. Anything else?"

"Yes, Sir. I think you owe Alice an apology," I said, not expecting him to do it.

"You're probably right," General Fain said with a wry grin. "I did go a little too far there."

My shock must have registered on my face because he chuckled a bit before saying, "Dismissed, Major."

"Yes, sir," I said as I stood, came to attention, and saluted him. He returned my salute, and I turned and left his office.

After leaving General Fain's office, I returned to my desk to get my purse. I told Susan I would not be in the office for the foreseeable future and to talk to Alice about it. I walked up to Alice's office and asked Mary Ann if I could go in. Alice came out as soon as she realized I was outside and motioned me to come in. She closed the door and pulled me in for a hug, saying, "Oh, god, Virginia, I'm so sorry about Bonnie."

I hugged her back and said, "I'm sorry you got dragged into his office like that."

"Part of the job," Alice said, breaking the cinch and motioning me to sit down.

Once we were seated, I said, "You can expect to get an apology from General Fain sometime soon."

"And how did that miracle come to be?" Alice asked skeptically.

"The general and I came to an understanding," I replied.

After a short pause, I said, "I'm going to be gone for a while. General Fain confronted me about my sexuality, and he's confined me to quarters indefinitely until he can find a graceful way to get rid of me. In all likelihood, I'll never be back."

"Don't worry about it, Virginia," Alice said, getting up and walking me out of her office. "We'll work around your absence as best we can."

"Thanks, Alice," I said as I left to go home. I had two sons and a mother to console.

***

Baker-Hazel & Snider Funeral Home took care of the visitation and funeral. They were very professional and handled everything as we had requested. I was glad that they weren't going to make a fuss about the fact that Bonnie and I had been lesbian lovers. The minister who was going to say a few words over the coffin at the funeral supported gays. I wouldn't have to worry about any talk of being condemned to hell. I brought the clothing and accessories I wanted Bonnie's body to be dressed in once they finished embalming her.

There weren't a lot of people there for the viewing. I wished Kathy could have been here. Grace could have really used her support. Some of Bonnie's classmates from college showed up. Alice showed up, giving both Grace and me hugs.

Once the visitation was over, I went over to the coffin to view Bonnie for the last time. Everyone was gone except the staff. She looked so peaceful and beautiful lying there in her yellow sundress, wearing the turquoise necklace that she loved so much. I touched her cheek with the fingers of my left hand and started sobbing, finally free to just let go. I didn't have to be there for everybody else for a while. I took my ring off for the first and last time and put it on her finger along with her ring. I pulled my hand back and nodded to the staffer, who released the latch and eased the coffin lid down. As the top snapped shut, the clack announced the end of a beautiful life. I gathered myself and wiped away the tears. Grace and the boys were waiting for me outside. I went out to get in the car, and we all went home.

The next day was the hardest one of all. It was a beautiful spring day for the funeral at Dayton Memorial Park. The sun was out, and the smell of freshly turned earth mingled with the fresh smell of new spring growth. Other than Grace, myself, Matthew, and Mark, only Alice showed up for the funeral. Rick had called last night and gave me his condolences, and I thanked him for calling. I also congratulated him on making General. He was one of the good ones and really deserved it.

The minister said a few words over the coffin, reminding us all that Bonnie had gone home to be with Him. I silently asked Him to cherish Bonnie and to reassure her that she had lived a good life. I knew some people would condemn Bonnie to hell for loving me. They were just ignorant people who couldn't grasp the fact He loved everybody unconditionally and only asked that we do the same.

When the minister finished, the coffin was lowered into the grave. We all went up to toss a handful of dirt onto the coffin. I went last, and as I slowly dribbled the soil down on top of the casket, all I could think about was the promise I had made her. How could I possibly find someone to take her place?