All Comments on 'Your Wish Is Granted'

I liked this story, it was a bit rushed, for the next chapter you should consider maybe he becomes a girl to try it out

i like your take on the whole genie thing...its different than the whole sex genie and offers a nice change of pace. however it was a bit rushed and darren just jumped on the train way too quickly. other than that nice job. and please do not take that suggestion to make him a girl....that is just wrong and creepy on so many levels

Benign, not begnine. No such thing as exctasy.

In addition, it was too rushed, almst perfunctory.

Needs some polishing.

Hello Fariss,

I think this story is a great first attempt at your writing here on Literotica. I think that you've got a great subject, one that's always fun to explore and usually popular for scifi-fantasy. I think that you do have some room to improve, but that you've also done some things that were done quite well.

The one criticism I would like to make would be your use of a sixty six character long 'word' with no spacing or break. Typing "Aaahh!" is essentially the same as "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" We as readers understand the idea behind a long drawn out scream. A few paragraphs earlier you established that the orgasm would be five minutes long, but that doesn't translate to readers in forcing them to read an overly long word. In addition there's never a need to use more than one exclamation point. That's what it's there for, to denote an exclamation. Adding more doesn't actually add anything to the imagery. However what the extended 'word' does do, is completely screw up the formatting for people reading the story on mobile devices, kindles, or monitors with lower resolutions (for example someone who uses large font for visual disability reasons).

I think that this first chapter is a great launchpad for what could be a neat chapter story, and one that I personally would read. I also think that unlike some other people, there is often a call for brevity. Some people don't like shorter stories, but some people do. I wouldn't call your story 'too short' in any way, though I think there's a lot of room for you to add more details in the future.

I really hope to see more from you in this series!

-Rhev

Thank you everyone for the constructive advice. This is a first chapter I worked on some time ago and will be following up on soon. There has been some discussion of brevity. In this instance I attempted to write the sort of story I enjoy reading, one that has a thought out backstory but isn't too long in a single chapter. I admit there is an abrupt jump to the action near the end of the story. In this instance I felt a reader would be ready for something more erotic at this point. In regards to mathematical percentages, I envision Darren being very specific. All too often these themed stories are written with the character being vague in their directions. This usually leads to some twist later based on him messing up. In this story I wanted to avoid that happening and let the reader assume (perhaps incorrectly on my part) that Darren would have been exacting in his instructions. Thank you again for the feedback and in the future rest assured there will be better proofreading.

All in all, it's a good start, though. I confess, I'm a bit surprised he did nothing to better his financial position or his standard of living, but hey, that's just a bit of my greedy nature showing itself (grin) The bit about being unable to contract or transmit diseases, though, was, in my humble opinion, inspired. Very thoughtful.

While I did spot a few spelling and grammar errors, your writing style is very good. Keep up the work, and try to find someone to check it out before submission.

I can't wait to see where you take this...

Ok why do they always not finish the good stories. More please.

Better if he finds a purpose beyond mind control of every hot girl.

This guy needs some life lessons in Wishing.

Good. Minor typo:

was wondering to thoughts

should be:

was WANDERING to thoughts