You've Lost That Loving Feeling

I was so worked up, it was me starting to shake at this point. Taking several deep breaths to regain my composure, I took my turn. "Andrea, I was so happy on our wedding day it felt like I'd won the Super Bowl, the Stanley Cup, and the World Series all in one. After this shit you pulled, it feels like the only thing I won was a fucking participation ribbon! Admit it, if you hadn't gotten pregnant we'd never have gotten married and I'd just be a nice memory from Zach and Terri's wedding."

Tears began forming in Andrea's eyes, and she reached up and touched a thin gold necklace I hadn't seen earlier. Pulling it out of her blouse, I saw that what at first appeared to be a pendant of some sort on the end of it was, in fact, my wedding ring. She began stroking it, as if touching it gave her comfort.

She looked up at me, her beautiful brown eyes brimming with tears. "Daniel," she said softly, "that's not true at all, I didn't marry you because I was pregnant. It was because I fell in love with you at Terri and Zach's reception; in fact, you made me fall in love with you, I couldn't resist you!"

Something in the way she said that made me believe she was now telling the truth, but it didn't mitigate the pain of the betrayal. My anger subsided a bit, and I replied in a low voice, "You couldn't resist me then, and yet now you found it easy to resist me, but not the man who, may I remind you, cheated on you while you were caring for his newborn."

I felt a surge of pain and snapped, "Damn it Andrea, you and Chloe were my whole world! I busted my ass to be the best partner I could be for you, and what did I get for it? I got cheated on!"

Shaking my head in disgust, I asked, "So, now your bullshit is out of the way, why don't you tell me exactly why you travelled 800 miles to see me? My lawyer advised me that I shouldn't say anything to you except if it pertains to Chloe, but I'll listen this once. What the fuck do you want, exactly?"

Andrea reached across and took my hand. In a moment of weakness, perhaps because she'd given birth to my daughter, I didn't snatch it away. To be honest there was also a small part of me that wanted to touch her because for the last 5 years she'd been my everything, and that feeling doesn't just dry up and blow away completely. Damn it!

"I have no right to ask, but please hear me out completely without interrupting," she begged. I said nothing, and she held my hand up to her lips and kissed the back of it; I felt my anger slowly ebbing. Double damn it!

"The day you confronted Lisa and me, I realized I'd been deceiving myself about everything, and it was costing me my marriage in the process," she confessed, "I was horrified at how far out of control I'd let things get. Because of my own stupid insecurities I betrayed the one man who truly loved me. Your mother had tried to warn me, but instead, I stupidly chose to believe Lisa."

Seeing my look of disgust at the mention of my mother, she quickly added, "I know you think MaryAnne had a hand in all this, but I swear she didn't. She wants the best for both of us. She was only involved because I confided in her as a friend. She wanted to help me, thinking that you'd never have to know, and it would save our marriage. If you can't forgive me, at least forgive her."

I'd promised not to interrupt, so I said nothing. While Shaun's motivations in asking me to forgive Mom might have been biased, hearing the request from Andrea somehow held water. However, I tabled that thought for later as Andrea continued.

"Cherry was right when she said I'd always had things easy. While I my divorce from Dwight hurt, there was nothing to fight for really. He'd cheated and our marriage was over; there was no way to save things." Then she reached over and took both my hands in hers. This was the first physical contact I'd had with Andrea in weeks, and feeling her long fingers enclose mine caused a stirring between my legs. Admittedly it was purely a carnal reaction, but still mildly pleasurable. Andrea may have been a cheating witch, but there was no disputing I still found her sexy as hell. Triple damn it!

There was a subtle change in her voice now, a tone of determination had crept in. "For the first time in my life, I have something to fight for. I thought I wasn't getting affection at home, but the reality was you never stopped loving me. I was self-centered and blind, and didn't appreciate you; our marriage was ruined because of my own stupid insecurities."

It was nice to hear Andrea admit she'd screwed up, but it did nothing to change my thinking about divorcing her. But, she wasn't finished yet, and I'd agreed to hear her out.

"Daniel, I know I've treated you horribly, but I love you so much. I'm here because I don't want a divorce, I want to stay married to you because you're the best man in the world for me. Our divorce will be finalized in six months or so, and until it is, I'll fight to change your mind. I'm going to do whatever it takes to win you back."

I sat in silence for a minute as I digested what she was saying, and to formulate my response. Did I even want her back? I'd spent 5 years with her, and, stupidly, still loved her. Of course, that's also the reason her betrayal had hurt me so badly. Still, she'd given me Chloe, the greatest gift of my life. In the end, that was the only thing that kept me from completely shutting her down.

Instead, taking a deep breath I said, "It's going to be a really tough sell to win me back. I've decided to stay here in Seattle. Are you going to keep flying up here to convince me to reconcile? By the way, I intend for Chloe to live here with me and, more importantly, away from Dwight Wilson. He may have gotten to you, but I won't stand for him getting to my daughter.

"If he somehow gets the protective order removed, I'll do everything I can to destroy him. My lawyer lives for this stuff. She'll subpoena Dwight's former teammates, his fellow commentators, every girlfriend he's ever had in the last 20 years, along with you and Anthony. I intend to go public with every bad thing he's ever done. As God is my witness, if it takes every dime I have, I'll ruin that bastard to protect Chloe."

"Dwight's not going to be anywhere near Chloe," Andrea responded, "I already called him to break things off, but he did it to me first, telling me he wanted nothing more to do with me. He's accusing me of ruining his life with all the bad publicity I'd caused."

I grimly told her, "Interesting how he's blaming everything on you after he went to all that effort lot to lure you away and ruin our marriage. Was he really worth it, Andrea?"

"The fact I've flown here to beg your forgiveness should tell you the answer to that," she said in a quiet voice, "I regretted marrying Dwight, but at least it gave me my son. Now all these years later, trying to get back with him cost me everything but got me nothing. I want our life back. I want my husband back."

Hearing that I choked back angry tears, albeit with limited success. I was so angry, I couldn't even look at her now. "Whatever the fuck it is you want, as far as I'm concerned you've made it quite clear it's not me," I snapped, "even if by some miracle we stop the divorce and stay together for Chloe's sake, you'd have to accept that sex won't be part of it. After you and Lisa mocked me, I'll never feel like my dick is big enough for you again. I'm 31 years old, it's not going to grow any larger. Even if I could manage to get myself in the mood, the fear I'll never be able to satisfy you is always going to be in the back of my mind."

"Daniel, believe me, a dick is just a body part, I love you for who you are!"

"Yeah, sure, you love me despite my physical short-comings", I spat angrily, "somehow that's supposed to make me feel better? Honestly, Andrea, you just go back to Dwight, I'm sure he's great in bed. With his big dick I'm sure he's quite a good fuck."

Andrea must have reached a breaking point because she shrieked, "JUST STOP IT, DANIEL! YOUR COCK IS PERFECT, YOU'RE MY HUSBAND AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE'S!"

I asked more quietly, "Then why did you laugh when Lisa said I was too small? How do you expect me to believe you want me after the two of you mocked my dick?"

For whatever reason -- embarrassment, shame, or guilt - Andrea didn't have an answer.

"I'm going for a walk," I told her, "I need time to think. I'll call you tomorrow." Standing up, I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door.

As I walked through the drizzling rain, I had a lot on my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to put my old life behind me. First thing tomorrow, I'd call Rohan Meher and let him know I was moving to Seattle, so wouldn't be starting my position at Sovereign Realty.

Then, I'd set up a meeting with Shaun's friend Alan Chesterfield, and talk to him about that account executive position in his PR firm. Once I got my employment situation squared away, I'd find an apartment near Cherry and Shaun's place, so Chloe would be able to grow up surrounded by family. If Andrea didn't like it, so much the better.

But what about Andrea? Instead of calling me, she'd come a long way just to beg in person for reconciliation. If it weren't for Chloe our marriage would have been finished, but because of my daughter I had to be mindful that even if we divorced, I didn't want her remembering me as a man who'd treated her mother badly. Damn it!

Taking out my cell phone, I texted Andrea, asking if I could meet her for breakfast in the coffee shop of her hotel tomorrow morning.

~~~~~~~~~~

I spent the night tossing and turning, playing the circumstances out in my head. What could I have done differently that would have prevented this mess? Was I somehow to blame? After falling asleep in the early morning hours, I slept fitfully until my alarm went off.

When I got to the coffee shop of the Hyatt Regency, Andrea was already seated, waiting for me. Her eyes looked a little red, but aside from that it appeared she'd gone overboard to look good, and had succeeded. Her long hair was up in a bun, and the maxi dress she was wearing had an off-the-shoulder neckline with fluttering ruffles that made her look delicious. She was as gorgeous now as the first time I'd seen her. For a moment my heart surged, thinking how for the last 5 years I'd been crazy in love with this woman, almost to the point of obsession. Now, I felt almost dead inside, not knowing how I felt.

"Thank you for coming, Daniel," she said as I sat down. The waiter appeared, and took our order. Andrea ordered some toast and tea; I just had my usual coffee with cream and sugar.

Andrea looked at me expectantly, so I began. "I'm a mess, Andrea," I confessed, "I've loved you ever since we met, and I never stopped. I tried to be a good husband, but maybe I messed up by working so hard and not giving you enough attention. I'm sorry you felt so lonely and insecure, but I was about to make it up to you, I really was. I may have been wrapped up in work, but cheating on you never crossed my mind. I mean, I thought we loved each other, but you showed me how wrong I was."

"You weren't wrong, Daniel. I did and do love you. I was so insecure that I let Lisa get in my head, and persuade me I should give Dwight another chance. My thinking got twisted, to the point I was so in a fog that I lost touch with reality. When you walked out I read the card, and that's when I realized I'd made a mess of everything."

I shook my head. "Too little, too late, Andrea. I told you early on about that bitch Lisa being bad news, but you ignored me. You listened to her, and what hurts even worse is you made cheating plans in secrecy. You and that bitch schemed, lied, and mocked me behind my back. After all that, you follow me here to play the innocent victim and claiming you want me back? As far as I'm concerned, you have zero credibility and everything you say is bullshit."

Andrea looked at the floor and nodded in agreement, saying "I understand."

Since she wasn't saying much, I decided to open up and let her know what I'd been thinking about all night. "I'm not the man you married anymore," I told her, "hell, I'm not even the man I was two weeks ago! You fucking crushed me, Andrea. You lied to me, blew off our wedding vows, devastating my self-confidence along the way. I'm hurt and bitter, and will stay that way for a long, long time. Given all that, I'm asking with what little love I have left for you to forget about reconciling."

Andrea remained silent, but another round of tears coursed down her face.

My hands began trembling with fury. "I've got a ton of anger and resentment towards you, so much so that trying to reconcile with me will only make your life miserable. It's not worth it, Andrea. Do yourself a favor and just accept the inevitable; go back to Portola Valley and wait it out, so we both can move on."

Andrea raised her head, and looked me in the eye. "Thar's something else I came to discuss. I'm selling the house and moving out of Portola Valley. Since you've been gone and the story about Dwight and me broke, the reporters and paparazzi have been a constant nuisance."

I shrugged, "So? They're just jackals, once the next scandal hits they'll forget about you. What's the problem?

"The problem is Portola Valley's a small town, with less than five thousand people in it. All the nosy reporters hanging around asking questions has pissed most of them off. The few that knew Dwight are sympathetic, but our neighbors and most of the town have turned against me, thinking I'm a cheater and giving me dirty looks when they see me doing errands. I don't want to live with the constant humiliation, so I'm moving." Hearing this, I had no sympathy; I kind of agreed with the neighbors.

"You got the house from Dwight during your divorce, my name's never been on the title. Frankly, if it burned down I wouldn't care. Not my problem, Andrea."

"Not now, but when Chloe gets old enough to go to school, I'm sure she's going to hear the rumors and get teased about it. Is that what you want?" That shut me up. Andrea knew I wouldn't want anything like that happening to Chloe, but I wasn't about to admit it, damn her.

Clearing her throat, Andrea went on. "I was thinking after I sold the house, I'd move out of the Bay Area and relocate to Seattle. That way we'd all be in the same city, and we could each see Chloe without flying back and forth. We could maybe even start dating, you know, with a clean slate."

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard that. For the first time, I was beginning to agree with my wife's self-assessment that she'd lost touch with reality.

Trying not to shout at her, I vehemently shook my head. "Clean slate? Sorry, Andrea, that won't be possible without my getting a frontal lobotomy. We can't ever go back to the way things were, I'll always remember what happened."

Andrea lifted her hand, putting it on my cheek. Part of my brain screamed I should swat it away, but a stronger part -- the piece that still loved and missed her -- stopped me.

Sensing my moment of weakness, Andrea took the opportunity to lay out more of her plan. "Actually, I was thinking Chloe and I could even move in with you, for Chloe's sake, of course. You know she's a daddy's girl who needs her father as much as her mother. She's sensing things aren't right between us and it's bothering her. She's become a lot more clingy, and keeps asking when you're coming home. Putting her on a jet to fly regularly between the San Francisco and Seattle--Tacoma airports will only make it worse. She needs to be with you." Then she corrected herself. "With us."

Finishing her plea, she took her hand away, the lovely hand with the soft skin and long elegant hand that I'd kissed so many times over the last 5 years. I reminded myself that this was the same hand that had probably been wrapped around Dwight Wilson's big dick. Ouch.

Now I was torn. No matter how much I wanted Andrea to suffer, it would always be overruled by my desire to do what was best for our daughter. When it came to our marriage my wayward wife was a lot of bad things, but I'd never questioned her love for our child. Wanting what was best for Chloe was probably the one thing we still had in common.

I silently stared at Andrea for a few minutes while I thought things over. I missed Chloe terribly, and who knew when a judge would decide on temporary custody? Besides, given the court was in California, despite being a cheater my wife was not a bad mother; she'd most likely end up with primary custody. Having the two of them living under my roof, I'd at least be with Chloe every day. As for Andrea, welI, her I could just ignore; she'd be nothing more than an unpaid au pair in my eyes.

Swallowing my pride, I gave a huge sigh of resignation. "OK, I see your point. But let me make it clear, we'll be living in the same house and co-parenting for Chloe's sake, but that's it. You'll have your bedroom, I'll have mine. Don't expect anything else."

I should have known better. Andrea had followed me to Seattle with a plan and was going to see it out. In a quiet but determined voice, she told me, "I know you're upset right now, Daniel, but I haven't given up on us reconciling. I was hoping maybe we could go out on a date or two, just the two of us, and see where it leads." She hastily added, "It's for Chloe's benefit. She'll be happy seeing us doing things together."

Andrea wasn't wrong, Chloe loved seeing the two of us together; sometimes, in the middle of an activity - like going to the park, or if we were in line for movie tickets, for example -- she'd tell us to hug. Seeing her Mommy and Daddy be loving to each other made her happy. Someday, when she was older, I'd explain how Mommy messed things up between us, but not now. We both needed to keep up appearances, for Chloe's benefit. Andrea had me again, damn it!

"Fine, the two of us out to dinner once a week. That's it, though" I grudgingly agreed. Maybe it was because I'd depleted most of my fury in destroying Dwight's reputation, but I was finding it harder and harder to fight Andrea. Chloe was my weakness, and Andrea was using it to corrode my steel emotions.

Very softly, she said, "If we're trying to reconcile, shouldn't we be exclusive?"

OK, this was pushing things too far. It was all I could do not to laugh in Andrea's face and walk out. Keeping Chloe in mind, I controlled myself and gave a serious answer to what was basically the stupidest question I'd ever heard.

"That's not happening, Andrea. If we were exclusive, you'd probably just take it for granted that we're getting back together. I don't want to be taken for granted, I want our marriage to be important to you. I certainly don't feel like that now.

"On the other hand, if we're both not exclusive and our relationship is open, that would make reconciliation impossible. What would be the point? You already proved a relationship where you're seeing other people would mean my baby carrot and I would end up on the losing end of things, and I promise you that's not happening. I've already been humiliated enough."

In the back of my mind I knew throwing the baby carrot remarks in Andrea's face stung her, but I didn't care. She'd cut me deep, and I wanted to hurt her back. This may not have been conducive to reconciliation, but tough shit. Mercy had been in short supply in me since I'd come home to her betrayal.

"Daniel, I would never - "

I cut her off. "Oh, PLEASE, Andrea, knock off that 'never' shit!" I barked, "it's a damned lie because you already did! Don't insult me by pretending you're innocent. I'm not a damned goldfish, I can remember things longer than 30 seconds!"

Andrea said nothing but bit her lower lip, squeezing her eyes shut as if holding back tears.