Zack, Luke & Ben

"When is Luke coming home?"

"Beginning of August. It's more than three weeks still."

"Have you told Luke about Ben?"

"He knows about him."

"He knows how you're starting to feel about him?"

"He's not exactly here right now, Gio. We text every couple of days. I can only convey so much. Don't you think he'd be happy that his best friend just might be getting close to having something special for the first time in his life?"

"Luke isn't just your best friend."

"What does that mean?"

"He comes here every day and he isn't even a reader."

"That's because we hang out every day."

"But he always picks you up."

"He has a car and I don't."

Gio makes a face, "It's only a couple blocks. You could easily walk home and meet up with him in minutes."

"What's the deal, Gio? Do you have some kind of a problem with Ben?"

"Maybe?" he asks more than says. "Something seems disingenuous."

"But you pushed me out the door to follow him. Like, literally. Hands on my shoulders, steering me out of here."

He sighs, "That's just our little game we play, right? I take the girls, you take the guys. Harmless fun. Maybe you should slow this thing with Ben down. Maybe you should talk to Luke."

My eyes sting with tears. "I thought we were friends. You'd rather see me alone than happy?"

"Zack, no. I just... I think..."

"What?"

"Maybe you're looking for something you already have."

~~

I'm sitting with Ben in, of course, the pizza place, but I can't stop thinking about what Gio said. WTF? I always thought Gio was one of the few good people in this town. I thought he was a real friend. I assumed that in meeting Ben, I'd finally need to start a second hand of acceptance as Ben would represent a sixth finger. Noah, Luke, Julia, Luke's dad and Gio. But now...maybe not Gio. Maybe Ben replaces Gio and I still have just five fingers on one hand of acceptance.

Since I've been out with Ben five nights in a row, I've missed replying to a few of Luke's texts. We've been staying out pretty late so I haven't written back. He knows I have a new friend so I'm guessing he understands. Luke understands a lot and he would understand this.

Dinner is over and we head to the bowling alley. This is a favorite spot for Luke and me, but Ben says he's never bowled before. He says, "There really aren't bowling alleys in Manhattan due to its high population and densely packed infrastructure."

I smirk, "Already making excuses and I haven't even beaten you yet."

His biceps involuntarily ripple under his t-shirt. I flex where my bicep would be if I had one and he laughs. I guide him through the process of renting shoes and picking out a ball.

"So, I just leave my shoes with this guy? He holds them hostage?" Ben asks, slipping easily out of his loose-fitting work boots.

"Right. It's like collateral so they get their shoes back."

"Like there is a person on earth who might want to steal these," he holds up a size 10.5 pair of well-worn tattered green, red and tan leather shoes that are probably older than we are.

I hold up my size 9 counterparts, "Stylin'."

He laughs, puts a hand on my back and I shiver from the touch. Another little touch. Ben told me he's "pan" days ago but that doesn't mean he's attracted to me. He could be attracted to any and everyone. And physically, I'm nothing special. I'm 5' 9" with sandy brown hair and green eyes. I don't stand out in a crowd. I'm the guy you look past to gawk at someone like Ben or Luke. But there are these little touches which have become more frequent with each passing day. They mean something, right? For my part, it would be easier to blow it than to get it right. I can wait him out. I've waited my whole life, I can wait another day, week, month...

Every time it's Ben's turn, I watch his every move. His approach, the roll, his reaction. He really is awful, but his form is mesmerizing. They way his back and shoulder muscles dance beneath his tight shirt. I flash back to high school gym class and team sports. One team was shirts and the other team was skins. I wish someone would tell Ben right now that he's on the skins team and that the shirt has to come off. But no one does.

Every time it's my turn, Ben doesn't watch me. His eyes wander and he misses my strikes. I have to tell him about my spares. Is it a lack of interest in me or does he just not care for bowling?

One game is enough. We make the required shoe exchange and I excuse myself to the restroom. After relieving myself, I look in the mirror. It's an average guy staring back at me. Not tall, not short. Medium, eyes, medium hair, scrawny body. Sigh. I wouldn't watch me bowling either.

I head back out to where I left Ben and he's talking to a couple guys that I recognize from high school. Guys who bullied me before Luke recognized what was going on and stood guard as my protector. They turn and leave without looking my way. When I reach Ben, he smiles.

"We've been invited to a party Saturday night!" he says with more enthusiasm than I've ever heard from him.

"Saturday, like the day after tomorrow?"

"Is something wrong?"

I toe the carpet with my sneaker, "With those guys?" I nod my head to the door the assholes just disappeared through.

"Uh huh. They seem cool."

As we walk home, I tell Ben about being the only gay kid in a small town. I tell him about getting bullied. I tell him that there was a group of six friends who were the worst offenders and the two guys he was just talking to were part of that six.

Ben listens quietly, but when I'm done, he says, "When's the last time you've seen or talked to those guys?"

"Not since high school."

"Right," says Ben. "High school. More than two years ago. They're not kids anymore and neither are you. Don't you think they've grown up since then? Matured?"

I really, really don't. Some assholes are assholes for life. And two years is not that long.

Ben continues, "Look, Zack, I love hanging with you, but I haven't met any other people yet, besides your brother and Gio. And I don't get the feeling that Gio likes me too much. A party is a great way to meet a lot of people all at once."

A lot of shitty people. I tell Ben, "I've never been a 'party' guy, but you should go. I'm gonna sit that one out."

He frowns, "They invited both of us. I want to go with you. I want my new best friend there. There's supposed to be a ton of people. We might not even see those guys or they might not remember you."

"They'll remember me."

"But there will be too many people for anything to happen. And it's in a public place. Four Seasons Park. There's a log cabin, a pond, trails, open spaces, a campfire... It'll be fun."

I know the place well. I cannot imagine it being fun at all. I say, "Look, I just--"

He cuts me off, "Zack, I'll never leave your side. It'll be you and me. If anyone even looks at you funny, we're out of there."

We're standing on the sidewalk now, halfway between our two houses. Ben turns to me. He takes my hands and my heart almost stops beating. His eyes lock on mine and he says, "I promise," and he kisses my forehead.

~~

Was that my first kiss? Maybe? I never thought I'd have to ask myself that question. A kiss is a kiss, but this...? The kiss aside, Ben did lock eyes with me and he did hold my hands. There is no doubt there. No question. I practically floated up the walkway and into the house.

I'm at the kitchen table avoiding the freezing basement. Without someone else's warm body to snuggle with under the blanket, it's like being in a meat locker down there. My phone buzzes and it's Luke texting. He's texting later than usual, probably hoping to catch me available for a change.

I smile at the image on my screen. He sent a selfie of him with his dad and grandma. All three of them look ridiculously happy. His mop of dark brown hair is a mess on top of his head and his steel grey eyes pierce right through the phone screen. And he's really tan. Luke. I miss him. Maybe he would have some perspective for me on the whole Ben situation. Gio was surprisingly no help. Luke would always want what's best for me.

I send him a heart emoji and tell him to print and frame that picture.

Luke: You're actually there!

Me: I just got home. I haven't worked up the courage to descend into Antarctica yet.

Luke: LOL. It's not that bad.

Me: To you! Your body's like a furnace.

Luke: And you're always stealing my heat. How's your new friend? Does he keep you warm?

I haven't had Ben down to my basement apartment yet. I haven't cuddled against him or burrowed into him for warmth. Not yet. And having missed Luke's texting window the last few days, he has no clue how things are progressing with Ben.

Me: Ben is good. Great. We hit it off as friends from day one.

Luke: And...

Me: It's hard to tell. We hug a little. Occasionally. Tonight he held my hands.

There is a long silence. I almost think he fell asleep before three dots finally appear on the screen.

Luke: Hey, guess what? I'm coming home early. Keep Saturday night free because I'll be home by dinner time.

My eyes pool with tears of joy. I've missed my best friend so much. He's been gone for five weeks and I thought we had three more to go. My thumbs fumble a reply.

Me: OMG! I can't wait to see you! First thing Sunday morning, though. I actually have plans on Saturday night.

Another long pause before Luke asks: Like a date?

Me: Sort of. We're going to a party together.

I tell him all about the party on Saturday night. I've never been yelled at over text before, but Luke freaks out. He demands that I stay far clear of that party. He literally orders me not to go. I find myself telling Luke all the things Ben had said to me. About change and growth and maturity. And how Ben promised to be glued to my side and that we'd leave at the first sign of anything. But Luke isn't having it.

Luke:...And if Ben can't understand why you need to not go to that party, then maybe Ben isn't the right friend for you after all.

Me: Says the friend who's like 2000 miles away.

He doesn't reply.

Me: I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. I know you had no choice in leaving, but Luke, I have another friend now. Maybe more than a friend. I am choosing to trust him and I need you to choose to trust me.

~~

Noah and Julia get home from their night out. Fortunately, Julia likes me so I don't feel the need to immediately run downstairs to my frigid prison. She smiles, tousles my hair and says, "Hey, sweetie." They both join me at the kitchen table. "I hear there's a new man in your life."

I bring them both up to speed on recent events. I tell them how much fun Ben and I are having hanging out together, but I also tell them about my uncertainty regarding his feelings. Does Ben want more? I mention the awkward kiss/not-kiss, the hand holding and the party I have serious reservations about attending.

When I finish rambling, Julia looks expectantly at Noah, nods her head my way and says, "Go ahead."

Noah clears his throat, "Zack, maybe you shouldn't go to that party so you could be here when Luke gets home. I think you need to talk to Luke. Live and in person. See him. Hear him. Really talk to him about how you both feel."

"How we feel? What the hell are you talking about?" he's starting to sound like Gio.

"I meant it when I said that more friends would be a good idea, but before you do anything that crosses the line beyond friendship..." He trails off.

"Again, what are you talking about?"

"You need to talk to Luke. You two have to resolve some things."

"There's nothing to resolve. We had an argument tonight, but it was no big deal. Luke and I are fine. I don't actually blame him for ditching me this summer. He has family obligations. I understand and I'm definitely not mad at him."

Julia says, "Of course you're not. That's not what Noah means." She looks back to Noah.

"You're trying so hard to figure out if Ben could be your boyfriend, but..."

"But what?"

"But maybe you already--"

This time he doesn't trail off, I cut him off. Now he is definitely sounding like Gio. "What the hell, Noah! You're turning into Mom. Am I not allowed to be happy? Is it fine that I'm gay as long as I'm alone? As long as you don't have to see it?" I'm almost crying now.

Noah's eyes get watery too, "No Zack! No! I want you to be happy. That's why I'm..."

I shake my head, "You've always been the person I could count on the most. You and Luke. But right now, you are being the opposite of a responsible big brother. You should discourage inappropriate feelings for my straight best friend. I need Luke's friendship so much more than I need a dead end crush. I could say the wrong thing and lose him forever. You're supposed to see that and talk reason to me. Not insanity."

"Is it insanity, though? Think about it. I've seen you two cuddled together under that blanket."

I scoff, "That's like two soldiers freezing in a foxhole in winter, keeping each other warm to stay alive."

Julia laughs but Noah shakes his head. "Luke isn't as freezing cold down there as you are. He's not keeping himself warm, he's keeping you warm. He's snuggling up to the guy he likes." I open my mouth but he stops me with a raised hand, "The guy he loves."

"Best friends love each other." I say.

"Zack, what about that foot rub he gave you the night before he left for Texas? Best friends don't do that."

I remember it well. We had gone bowling earlier that night. When we traded in our shoes, size 9 for me and size 12 for Luke's giant feet, he noticed my socks. I was wearing Happy Socks that were covered in bowling pins. Later, watching a movie on my couch in the frozen tundra, he had said he wanted to get a closer look at my socks. I leaned against him harder and told him there was no way my shoes were coming off until I was in bed under my electric blanket. My feet would freeze. He told me he wouldn't let my feet freeze. He put my feet in his lap, removed my shoes, examined my socks, giggled approvingly and wrapped his huge warm hands around my cold socked feet. And then he started a gentle massage. He didn't tickle me and it certainly wasn't erotic, but when Noah walked by to get something from the storage room down there, I could see how to him it would appear to be sensual.

I scoff again, "That was nothing. He was keeping me warm."

He looks me hard in the eye, "How do you feel about Luke?"

A tear rolls down my cheek and I slap the table, "This is the worst thing you have ever done to me. How could you? How dare you! Luke is straight! We've been friends for six years. I came out to him five years ago. If he... He has had every opportunity in the world to tell me his truth. But there is no truth to tell. Luke is straight."

"Has he ever had a girlfriend?"

He hasn't. But I say, "He went to Homecoming and Prom senior year."

"Right," Noah says with a not-so-subtle sarcasm. "He asked those girls?"

I say nothing because we both know it's rhetorical. The girls asked him and he accepted.

Noah continues, "How long did he date each of them after the dances?"

We both know he never dated either of them. It was just the dance and nothing further.

"There's a pattern here, Zack." He rubs his face, "You're the coolest kid brother I could have ever hoped for. You have known exactly who you are from a really young age and you've been unapologetic for who that person is. You know what you want out of life. You are strong and brave and it has been my privilege to know you, to love you and to take you in with me. But not everybody has as clear of a vision as you have. For some people, things are blurry and confusing. Some people need more time to figure shit out."

I sniff, "But twenty years is a really long time."

"Maybe once he figured things out, he was afraid to tell. He saw how our mom reacted."

"No way. Luke's dad is ridiculously cool. He's known I'm gay as long as anyone has. He loves me like a second son. And he never stopped Luke from sleeping over here about 18 billion times."

Noah shrugs, "Luke's dad has been awesome. But you're 'like' a son to him. Not actually his son. Maybe it would be different if it were Luke. Or maybe it wouldn't but Luke was just afraid that it might be. It could be his mom or grandmother or his cousins. I don't know."

"So, is this you 'outing' him?" I ask.

"I would never want to... Look, I started this whole thing by asking that you be here Saturday night to talk to him yourself. This absolutely is a conversation that I wish you were having with him and not me, but he's not here. The way you're talking tonight about your feelings for Ben, your confusion over his feelings for you, the party he's pressuring you into going to and how upset Luke is over that... I feel like you're on the brink of some life changing decisions and events here and I don't think you have all of the information. Again, all I ask is that you skip that party and hold off on taking things further with Ben until you have a real talk with Luke."

Noah does work with Luke. It's not like they spend eight hour days sharing their deepest secrets, but maybe over time, there have been some conversations of a personal nature. Maybe some things have been said. Shared. Things he hasn't shared with me. But wouldn't that be even worse? Luke and I tell each other everything. If this were true and he hasn't told me... Could I forgive him?

I shake my head and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. "Thanks for your concern, but you're way off base here. You've got your signals crossed or something. You're confusing romantic love and best friend love."

I disappear into the freezing basement with no one to keep me warm.

~~

It's Friday and Ben texts me that the party has been moved up to tonight. I'm immediately flooded with two conflicting emotions. First, dread for the party itself and the assholes (six in particular) whom I'll have to face. But second, relief that I'll be free tomorrow for Luke's return home. I won't have to wait until Sunday to see him. Maybe I can borrow Noah's car and pick him up at the airport. I've heard nothing from him since our text-fight last night.

Noah and Julia are out so the only last minute warnings I have to listen to are the ones sounding in my own head. Ben is already waiting for me on the sidewalk as I slip out the door. He can sense my trepidation as we walk to the park. He takes my hand in his, squeezes and reminds me that it's him and me tonight. But as we get closer, he lets go of my hand and puts a little space between us. I ignore the sirens in my brain and push forward.

There are probably fifty people at the party, seemingly about half of my high school graduating class. It feels like a ten year mini-reunion, but it's only been two years. The two assholes from the bowling alley are of course here with their four asshole friends, but when they spot Ben and make introductions, they're nothing but friendly to me. Pretty much everyone has a beer. Despite the fact that I'll be 21 in five months, I decline the offer. Ben does not decline. More than an hour goes by and it's fully dark out now, but the park lights and the fire burning in the pit keep us illuminated.

Ben decides he needs a second beer and leaves me while he heads to the cooler. I keep a close eye on him. Three of the six assholes approach him and start up a conversation. All four of them are laughing and talking. One of them points to the far side of the pond where more groups of people are gathered. We haven't made it to that side of the park yet and there are obviously people over there that those guys want Ben to meet. They lead Ben away. He looks back at me and, remembering his promise to stick with me, and waves for me to join. I have no desire to stand here alone, so I trudge in that direction.