Zack, Luke & Ben

Zack, Luke & Ben

"This summer sucks," I tell Noah, my brother, as I sip a mug of coffee. "And it's all your fault."

It's 80 degrees outside at 9:00am and I'm wearing fleece sleep pants, wool socks and a hoodie. And my coffee is piping hot. This is because the basement of Noah's tiny ranch-style house, where I live, is constantly a frozen tundra. That's just how the house is; winter, summer or any time in between. I've been upstairs in the kitchen for ten minutes already and I'm only just beginning to thaw. The freezing basement is neither why the summer sucks nor why it's Noah's fault. To his credit, he gave me a space heater for the outer room and an electric blanket for my bed. And if he wasn't allowing me to crash with him, rent-free, I'd either be out on the street or even worse, I'd still be stuck with Mom.

Dad left all three of us fifteen years ago when Noah was only 10 and I was just 5. Since then, my big brother has been half my brother and half a father figure while Mom's been drowning her sorrows in the bottle. Ten years later, at the age of 15, I "came out". Mom freaked. She actually blamed me for Dad's disappearance, telling me that he must have seen something in me even as a small child that he just couldn't accept. Something wrong. Something evil. So he left. But he didn't just leave me - the evil one - he left my mother and 10 year old brother too. After I "came out", she hardly spoke to me at all. By the time I turned 18, Noah was a college graduate, a working professional and the new owner of a modest home. He invited me to move in with him and I jumped at the chance.

So, I've been living with him for two years now. I have a part-time job at an independent bookstore and I take classes at the local college. After I pay my tuition each semester, I try to give some money to Noah but he never takes it. He tells me not to become a grownup too soon. Which makes a lump form in my throat because that's exactly what he had to do. Noah is the best big brother I could hope for; he saved me. But he still ruined my summer. I can love him and be mad at him.

My best friend Luke is gone for eight weeks. He and his dad moved here to Ohio from Texas six years ago after his parents got divorced. His grandfather died this past year and Luke and his dad are back in Texas this summer helping his grandmother with things around her house. Noah fits into this because Luke's part-time job is working with Noah at the sporting goods store he manages. All Noah had to do was tell Luke that he couldn't take a two-month leave. That if he did, he'd lose his job. Then I'd have my friend, my best friend, my only friend, in the same state with me.

Noah tousles my hair and smiles, "Zack. He's been gone for four weeks already. Four more and he'll be back before you know it."

"And by then, the summer will almost be over," I whine.

Luke and I have been best friends since he moved here. I can count with the fingers of just one hand the number of people in this world who accept me for me; and Luke and Noah are two of them. The small town we live in is not especially open minded; it was particularly rough in high school. But Luke is a big strong guy who nobody ever messed with, so just by association, he kept me safe. He's also ridiculously gorgeous, but he's my best friend so I don't let myself think about that. Often. Much.

"You need more friends," Noah says.

"No duh," I say back. "But we live here. Where tolerance came to die. Oh! I know. I can just hang out more with you and Julia!"

Julia is Noah's girlfriend. She's really cool and represents one those fingers on the hand of acceptance.

Noah shakes his head, "No cockblocking or you'll find yourself living back at Mom's house."

I know he's kidding, but mentioning Mom is like a little stab in the heart. I shake it off. "Being a 20-year-old virgin, I'm allowed the occasional cockblock." I nudge his shin under the table with a wooly socked foot.

He squeezes my shoulder, "Zack, when is the last time you talked to Mom? Have you given her a chance lately?" Noah doesn't give her chances either. He despises her as much as I do; and being my protective big brother, maybe even more. He's only asking for my sake. He desperately wants Mom to be a finger on the acceptance hand. But she's not. Noah never stops hoping though, and honestly, neither do I.

I scoff, "I saw her last week. I stopped by the house to mow the lawn, change the garbages and fix the leaky bathroom faucet. She never left the couch the whole time I was there. I couldn't tell if she was dozing or passed out but she was surrounded by empty bottles. Eventually I said 'Hi' and it took her a full minute to register my presence. When she finally did, she just shook her head in disgust and said, 'Too bad you decided to be gay.' I ran the fuck out of there."

Noah winces, "She actually said 'decided'?"

I nod, "But overall I thought that was progress. She said 'gay' and not the F-word."

Noah says something under his breath. Either he was telling me he has an itch or... I really do love my brother.

He says, "The house next door finally sold after six months. I thought I saw a guy around your age moving stuff in yesterday. Maybe he's from the land of tolerance."

Or even better, maybe he's...not straight.

But I narrow my eyes at Noah, "Yeah, right. Because the universe is just that kind." I get up and rinse my mug. My eyes drift out the window and in the adjacent yard is a super-cute guy. He's pulling weeds and working up a sweat. Suddenly I'm hot in my fleece pants and hoodie. Super-Cute Guy stands up straight and pulls off his sweat soaked shirt. Okay. I was wrong. He's not super-cute. He's super-hot. He's lean and muscular and glistening in the sunlight. I'm so mesmerized that I drop my mug and it clatters in the sink.

Noah elbows me in the ribs and I yelp. "Before you condemn the universe you might want to go introduce yourself and assess the situation. It's worth a shot. He could be that new friend."

~~

But I didn't introduce myself. I spied on him working in his yard for a few more minutes, stored several images in my mental photo album for new material to be used alone in bed later, changed my clothes and headed to work. And that's where I am now. At the bookstore.

I'm on shift with Gio today. He's my favorite coworker and he represents one of those acceptance fingers. He and I have a system worked out. He helps all of the female customers and he leaves the guys for me. It's a win-win. Silly games aside, Gio is actually a nice guy. I can tell that he's genuinely rooting for me. Especially because he's not really trying to flirt with the ladies. He has a girlfriend and she has him totally whipped. He mock-complains about her, but he loves her. Gio and I frequently talk about getting together outside of work, like real friends, but between work, our class schedules and his girlfriend, I'm pretty low on his priorities list. And I get it. So, we're work friends.

Gio asks me, "When's Luke coming back? I miss the big lug, awkwardly pretending to be interested in books but really just waiting for you."

Luke is not a big reader but he has a car and I do not. He picks me up from work sometimes. Or a lot of times. After work we like to go out for pizza, hang out at the mall, bowl a few games, catch a movie, stream something in my basement, play mindless video games, or even watch sports. Well, it starts out as us watching sports. Not long into whatever game might be on, I'll inevitably get bored and start reading. It works for us. He'll interrupt my reading periodically to make me watch a replay of something I'm supposed to be impressed by, when in reality, I don't understand it at all. But for him, I feign interest.

I want to pull out my phone and text him right now, but I force myself not to. I want to tell him that Gio misses him. That my mom thinks I chose to be gay, probably just to spite her. That Noah called Mom a bitch. That without him here, I'm reading way too many books and not watching nearly enough baseball. That without him here, there's no one for me to slaughter in bowling, the only sport I have any chance at all against him in because really, it's a game, not a sport. I want to tell him that a new boy moved in next door so he better hurry up and come back home or he could be in danger of getting demoted from his best friend status. I'd have to follow that one up quickly with winking emoji because the written word can be easily misinterpreted. Luke is irreplaceable. I want to ask how he is. His dad, his grandma and his slew of cousins. Is Texas hot enough that he actually misses my freezing basement?

But my phone stays in my pocket. I don't text him anything. I decided a month ago when he left that I would not pester him while he's gone. I know he's busy helping his family. I respect that. He's out there getting even stronger and tanner. What if he decided to not come back? His mom still lives down there so it's not impossible. What if his cousins become his new best friends? What if his grandma needs him full time? What if he meets a girl down there this summer? Transferring to a new school is probably as easy as a phone call and a few clicks of the mouse. So while I eagerly reply to every text he sends me, I will not initiate them. I will not make him feel guilty for being the kind, generous, sweet son and grandson that he is.

I'm about to start begging Gio to ditch his girlfriend for just one night when the door chime sounds. Gio is facing the door and his eyes widen. He winks and nudges my arm, "This one is all you. Go get him, my friend."

Like anyone in this town is available to be "got". I feel like I'm a one-man team. I turn around and it's the new boy from next door. It took a second to recognize him because he's wearing a shirt. A very tight, clingy t-shirt that reveals the ridges of his six-pack abs, but a shirt nonetheless. He's wearing faded jeans that disappear into loosely laced and untied work boots that he obviously just slipped into because he slips half out of them with each step he takes. He has careless blond hair and striking blue eyes. He wears a baseball hat backwards on his head, which I will forgive if he never does it again. I look him over from head to toe and my heart flips and flutters as my cheeks flush. It's a million to one shot that this dude is anything but ragingly hetero.

To save myself from embarrassment and defeat, I turn to tell Gio to take this customer, but he's not there. He disappeared into the back room leaving me and Super-Hot Guy all alone. Shit. I'll just play it straight. Pun intended.

"Good afternoon. Are you looking for some summer reading today?"

His eyes are on the tables of books and not on me as he replies, "I just moved to town and my new school doesn't start for weeks. I need something to fill my days."

"What do you like to read?"

"Mysteries and Histories," he says with confidence.

I shy away from non-fiction myself, but I point out a few new arrivals. When I lead him to the Mystery section, my recommendations come to life. For the first time, his gaze rises from the books and he looks right at me. He smiles and my knees are about to give out.

He points at me, "I'm your new neighbor. Ben. I saw you leaving your house earlier. I guess you were off to work." He extends his hand.

I take it. It's smooth and callous free. Like his yard work earlier was an anomaly and his muscles come from the gym rather than from the great outdoors. Which is fine. My muscles wouldn't come from the outdoors either, if I had any.

"I'm Zack. I think I saw you too. You were working in your yard this morning. It took me a second to recognize you because you weren't wearing your... Hat! You weren't wearing your hat earlier."

His eyes bulge, "Hopefully I was wearing my shirt when you saw me. I'm not usually much of an exhibitionist, but it got hot this morning earlier than I thought it would."

For both of our sakes, I lie, "When I was rinsing my coffee cup, your shirt was on." At first.

"Whew," he pretends to wipe sweat from his brow. "I'm from New York City. This morning might be the first time in my life I've taken my shirt off outside. I hate to think I put on a show."

A private show. I realize I'm still shaking his hand. I let it go. "I suspected New York based on your Yankees cap. What brings you to our little town?"

He's gathered a small stack of books while we've been talking and I lead him to the register. As I ring up his purchase he tells me, "My dad was transferred here. It's only my second day in town and I don't know my way around yet."

Right on cue, Gio emerges from the back room and tells me, "It's an easy close today. I've got this. You should punch out and take off early." He's grinning like a fool when he tells our new customer, "Zack here has lived in this town his whole life. He's an awesome tour guide and he's fascinated with New York."

I shoot eye daggers at him which only makes his grin widen.

Ben smiles, "That'd be awesome! I'll pay you for your time by treating you to a slice of whatever pizza you say is the best in town."

I scoff, "You are about to be disappointed on so many levels. This isn't New York. We don't have pizza places on every corner, there's really just the one. They don't sell by the slice. We would have to get a pizza. And since the place is essentially a monopoly, I have nothing to compare it to, other than frozen grocery store pizza."

Ben laughs, "Let's give it a try and I'll tell you how it compares. So, you'll be my tour guide then?"

I open my mouth but it's Gio's voice that comes out, "Yeah he will!"

Suddenly Gio's hands are on my shoulders, steering me out from behind the counter. The stupid grin is still on his face. This is the furthest our silly pretend game has ever gotten, on my side with the guys anyway. He has sparked the interest of the occasional girl, only to have to later admit that he already has a girlfriend. He once got slapped and I laughed for an hour. But right now, Gio is not laughing. I think he thinks that for the first time in my life I might have a real shot here. Like, just maybe for the first time ever, I might not be the only queer guy in the room. But despite Gio's radiating enthusiasm, I won't get my hopes up. All I know for sure at this point is that Ben likes to read, seems like a nice guy and might be in the market for a friend. That's not a bad start. Oh, and he's freaking hot! Fine. It's a damn good start.

As we head out the door, I pause and tell Gio, "Thanks for closing up alone tonight." With my body as a shield, I give Gio double middle finger salutes. He cracks up and pushes me the rest of the way out the door.

~~

I wake up to a text from Luke. When he left a month ago, we decided we'd only text each other - no phone calls. A live call might be too hard for us (read: me). He says he has no real news to report from Texas. He asks me about things at home. I tell him about my failed interaction with Mom from last week. He tells me I shouldn't go over there anymore. It's not worth it and she doesn't deserve me. I tell him that I mow her lawn and check on the maintenance of her house more for Noah than for her. If I didn't do it, then he'd have to and he already does so much for me. It's literally the least I can do for him.

While my sexuality is a bonus reason to pretend I don't exist, the truth is that she turned her back on both of us when Dad left. She kind of stole Noah's childhood from him, forcing him to act like a responsible grownup by the age of 10 and take care of his kid brother. His feelings for her are pretty much identical to mine. And since he's boarding her evil gay younger son, she has no use for him either.

I tell Luke about the house next door finally selling and how for the first time in six years, I made a new friend. Hoping that when Luke finally comes back in a month we could all be friends, I tell him about Ben.

Me: I learned last night that like us, Ben is 20 and transferring to our school in the fall. He likes to read, he's a pizza snob, he'll root for the Yankees his whole life no matter where he lives, he's an only child, he likes all the wrong ice cream flavors and all the wrong video games and he doesn't know what he wants to do after college.

Luke: Wow. That's a lot. Sounds like you two really hit it off.

Do I detect a hint of jealousy? I smile.

Me: We're just two guys who each could use a friend. Him because he's new and knows no one and me because I'm me.

I don't want to say too much. I need to tread lightly. He didn't choose to go to Texas for the summer. He didn't want to go. I can't make him worry about things at home. About me.

After a pause, Luke texts: Is he...?

Me after an equally long pause:...A werewolf? A serial killer? An escapee from a mental institution?

Luke: LOL and a middle finger emoji.

Me: Seriously though, I didn't ask and he didn't say. Maybe tonight after another serving of apparently subpar pizza I'll find out more about his personal life.

Luke: What about you? Did you tell him?

Me: Not yet. I will. Probably tonight.

Luke: Zee, I'm sorry.

Reading the nickname he saves for rare occasions pokes at my heart. Luke knows that as a gay man, "coming out" isn't a singular event. Every new person I meet, I have to decide if I'll tell and when I'll tell... It sucks and Luke knows it. And I love him for understanding.

Luke: Let me know how it goes.

~~

Tonight, Ben and I are out for more pizza. I ask him more personal questions than I did last night and I learn a lot more about my new friend. He tells me about his family, his old school, his old job, his old friends and his life in the big city. I ask him if he left anyone "special" behind in that city and he says, "No". But he doesn't expound on the thought and I still don't know what to think.

He asks me the same personal questions and I realize that I need to tell him now. So I do. I tell Ben that I'm gay. That I've been "out" since I was 15 and what that meant to both my school life and my home life. He listens with concern as I take an hour to get it all out. What I can't tell is if his concern is steeped in sympathy or empathy.

I decide to be direct, "I'm sure in New York City you were exposed to expressions of every sexual identity under the sun, but here, in this Podunk town, we either have some serious closet cases or I am the lone player on my team."

He laughs and says, "It's cool. I had gay friends in New York. I'm not going anywhere."

I regard my new friend. He left no significant other behind in New York. He claims to be a friend to my people. My proclamation is not scaring him off. But still... I feel a little disappointed. Not that he seems to be clearly hetero. No. I expected that. He is who he is and I would never ask him to be anyone else. I can turn my little crush off pretty easily; I've been doing that my whole life. Just because there are a lot homophobic assholes around me doesn't mean that some of them aren't cute homophobic assholes. I'm disappointed that he's so unaffected by my news. Whatever. It could have been worse. He could have made some straight guy joke about being careful to keep his shirt on in the yard now that he knows.

But then he surprises me by saying, "I think I'm pan."

~~

Five days later.

I tell Gio, "It's going really well. We've hung out every day all week."

"As friends?"

"So far."

"Why 'so far'?"

"There are signals. Just little things. Shoulder bumps, mini hugs, extended eye contact."

"That doesn't necessarily mean he--"

I cut him off, "It could."

He eyes me skeptically, "So, he told you he thinks he's pan."

I say nothing.