Top Shelf


We had a new Landlady take over the Ruddy Duck in Entwhistle Street, and she told me this tale a few weeks ago as I waited for my Boyfriends Viagra to take effect.

Her journey from Yorkshire to starring in Top Shelf Videos sounded interesting, so much so that I have written it down for the enlightenment of others.

I have tried to capture the Yorkshire Dialect so I hope as you will forgive the non standard grammar.

Here is her Tale.

It were a cold winter night, much like any other, the rain were not too bad and the wind were whistling up from iron works carrying the sound of the Ironworks Band practising and that. lets face it, were enough to make any music lover top their self.

Trade were slow, I were working Cleckheaton Street from Co op to Red Lion pub, when I saw him coming up the hill, in a green Ford Mondeo.

"I say, are you doing business." he said.

"Bollocks to business" I said "I'm on game, do you want fucking or not?"

He looked stunned.

"Ten quid for half an hour," I asked, I'd bloody near of paid him just to get out of the cold.

"Yes, Yes, super." he whined and I were in car like a shot.

"Get the bloody heater working, I'm froze." I told him.

I remember he stared at me, "You're beautiful."

"Still ten quid" I replied.

"I'll just have a blow job I think," he said.

"Look its ten quid for a fuck, if you want kinky you go down Manchester, I ent sucking no fucking prick." I told him straight.

He drove me up on moor, I thought he might be Yorkshire ripper but Ernie Cleghorn reckoned Arthur Grimsdyke were ripper and he were a fat ugly sod what rode a push bike, not like this bloke.

The bloke stunk of summat, sort of like scent, most blokes stunk of machine oil round Worksworth, apart from them as worked in sewage works, and they had to make do with old Annie as no respectable prostitute would touch them, not till end of shift anyroad.

He stopped up on top of moor in Lay by on tump where you can see nearly to Birksbrough on a clear day and he started to undress me, "Its all reet, I can manage," I told him but he was insistent,and his hands were mauling me.

"Hey them's private" I told him, he had me tits out, I never let blokes have me tits out then me brassiere was right off, me knickers down, skirt up and there I were, and he was sucking me tits.

"You best buy a pint of gold top if you wants milk cause you'll get none there." I told him, but by Christ it felt good. Next thing me clogs and skirt were off and I were like naked were in back seat, yet his prick hung down limp.

"What's your fucking game?" I asked.

"Sorry, it needs a little suck."

"Fuck that" I said and whacked him round the gob. Suddenly it had uncurled, straining. Whack must have done the trick.

This must be a pervert I figured, I heard some of the southerners need a whack to get hard.

He took out one of them rubber things, Durex or summat.

"Hey, I ent got clap" I whined.

But a cock is a cock and I had money to earn so I held misself open and sunk down on it.

"Kiss me" he whined,

"I don't kiss Johns." I told him.

"I'm Stephen, not Johns," he said and he grabbed me cheeks and stuck his tongue down me throat.

By heck he could kiss, kissed and fucked at same time then he were messing me tits again, Old Annie always said stay in control, well I fucking lost it, old car must have been rocking fairish on its springs but I were having time of me life very near then he come, well it hardly registered, he sort of throbbed and then nothing, usually rubber just about bursts, especially if its third time its used, quite often them does bust but this were very disrespectful.

Christ was I disappointed.

"What's up, you a homo or summat?" I asked.

"Hey" he said.

"You hardly made me twat damp."

"You stupid bitch" he said.

Christ, I thought, he might be a man after all.

"I spent all afternoon fucking tarts in Salford looking for someone for me film and I'm shagged out."

"Why fuck me then?"

"Because you are beautiful."

"Look", I says, "lets call it fifty quid, take me home, I'll tell me mam and then take me to your place and you can fuck me proper come morning." He agreed, Mam said she would tell Annie what I were at, and off we went.

It turned out he lived in fucking London, fucking miles away from Yorkshire, so there I was, just clothes I stood up in. every body laughing at me clogs, me old dress stained, and him, his suit must have cost thirty quid in Charity shop even if it had been made my Italians, and all the tarts was smiling at him, we did not even get to his place till next afternoon, and then he lived in some bloody stables place round Kensington or somewhere useless, I thought I could earn me train fair if I could find Soho.

His place were flash mind, carpets from wall to wall, me mam says southern folk do it to hide rotten floorboards, but this did not stink of damp, then he had some ther woman, dressed like a French tart, black skirt white blouse except long and buttoned to the neck.

"What do you want me for with that Tart here," I asked,

She smacked me round the face so I punched her in the tit and then we was on the floor.

"Ladies, please," he shouted but she were bigger than me. and she had me pinned down.

"Chantal is my maid, and she is a, well she is not interested in men."

"You a Lesbo then?" I asked.

"Oui." she said.

"Wee" was she going to piss on me?

"I mean yes," she said, "You are actress, yes."

"No prostitute me," I told her.

"You like women," she asked.

Well most of me mates were women. "Yes" I said.

Next thing her had her hand up me knickers exploring me twat. I thought a bit quick, like you do.

"Ten quid mind."

Next thing she had me tits out and she were loosening her blouse and slipped her own tits out of her bra cups, then she stuck it in me gob. I never sucked a tit in me life since me mam weaned me onto Heinz baby food but ten quid is ten quid and it weren't bad, It were like being a kid again.

"Hey," she said, "easy."

"Sorry" I said. changing tits.

"Is nice, look I make dinner then we play again," she explained letting me up.

Simon came back, he was wet like he had a bath or summat, and had a towel round him and there was nowt wrong with his prick this time.

"Take a shower," he suggested.

"I had a bath last week," I explained and he just grabbed me and dragged me upstairs, he were strong, I reckoned he would make a half decent cricketer, and then he just tore me stuff off of me and turned water on. He let it run for ages, till it ran clean, and he soaped me, and then he dried me off and then he fucked me, under the running water.

Me twat were on fire, he were so alive, most everyone of me regulars had done shift at Ironworks or had been to Brass Band practice, and were half knackered by the time the came to shag me, but this bloke could certainly fuck, bloody hell Cleckheaton Street would be tame after this. And he were not short of spunk, bleeding hell he came gallons and he hadn't bothered with a rubber, Christ I would most like have to see Mrs Allinson in a month or two, get shot of it, the way he flooded me parts. I could almost feel me eggs growing as he done it.

Then he were finished, he dried me off with a towel then he showed me the bedroom and laid me on the bed, and fucked me again.

He had completely buggered me dress up, ripping it off of me, but he got Chantal to measure me and it turned out they had some clobber my size in spare bedroom, weren't up to much, French and that, bloody thin, but they let us have some of they high heeled shoes, I never had none afore as the heels would slip down cracks in pavement, but I always fancied being a few inches taller, and apart from me falling ass over tit a few times they were brilliant.

He got me some underwear as well, flimsy more for looking at than comfort, and stockings and suspenders, they were so bloody thin, it were ridiculous, then he gets out his camera and starts taking me picture, for a start with me kit on then as I undressed, then finally with no kit on at all, he even had me hold me twat open and stick me fingers up me self, and one looking back at him while looking through me legs with me bum in the air.

He wanted me to shave me twat, sod that, I done it once and it itched like hell as it grew back.

"Fuck off" I said and next thing he had me on me back and he shouted to Chantel and she came and shaved me with an electric razor and then she done something with wax and it bloody hurt like hell, but Simon said it looked great and he took a load more pictures, I spoiled most of them by poking my tongue out.

Then he were on phone to his mates and some bloke come round and took off films, and we was all sat round having tea, that Chantal had rustled up summat foreign, I never fancied none of it and her done her nut wailing at me and cursing, sort of made me wish I paid attention when we done French at school, any road before too long a bloke come round with a couple of burgers from McDonalds and that were a bit more like it.

I had to apologise to Chantal, and she sort of forgave me, any road I had to promise to try some of her food next time and then she asked about where she shaved me, then she was feeling how smooth it was and next thing her fingers were inside me and we were friends again.

I hung around for a few days and then Simon had me sign summat and, it were funny this he asked me name, he screwed me half a dozen times yet he did not know my name, Nightly, I told him, Ada Nightly. Always was a bloody silly name.

"Thats no bloody good, for a porn star, I know Mavis, Mavis, ah Arkwright, that will do for your stage name." and that were it.

He took me to this film studio, Loads of blokes and girls were hanging around and there was this blonde bloke, like one of them Lifeguards off of telly, god he had muscles to die for,

Simon introduced me, this is Sebastian, your co star, bit of dialogue then ten minutes fucking, is that all right.

I kept forgetting me lines then we did the fucking bit, Simon said he would give me five hundred quid to suck Sebastians cock and have him shoot his load over my face and then we were in front of the Cameras, and he took me kit off of me and we had a bit of a fuck, well he did, I forgot all about studio,and let him get on with it, then when he shot his load I gave him a little suck and he was back in me again.

It were lovely and warm under the lights, then we broke for "lunch", at dinner time, then a different dress and some more lines and a different bloke, it were all right except Simon bloody kept shouting Cut, I think we were supposed to do simulated sex but it seemed easiest to hide his prick in me, anyway, it's my job, I ain't no actress am I?

I were keeping an eye on what he owed, and fair play he sent me mam a postal order for five hundred quid, and some of the photos he took which I said her ought to get framed.

Her wrote back and said not to come home if could earn that sort of money, and by then I were getting used to the cushy life, all right I hated it when the fucked me bum but Simon got me pissed and next thing Sebastian had his prick jammed up me.

They filmed him fucking me bum next day and there was this girl, Rachel and we a bit of girl on girl, and it was not too bad.

Simon was weird, like I was fucking all comers in front of the Cameras and then he got pissed off if I tried to turn a trick or even tried to chat a bloke up.

We had this huge row and next day he got this thing, fucking great leather belt with a crotch strap, it had a padlock and I even had to ask him to undo it if I wanted a piss.

"Look you don't fucking own me," I told him, "In fact I'm going to fuck off home."

He looked sad.

"Don't go, I need you." he said.

"Yet you don't trust me." I said.

"Course I don't" he said "Your anybody's for ten quid."

"Look, he said, you're doing all right from the films, and I need you, in the night, or the morning, you're up for it."

I remembered something about films in papers I signed, percentage or summat and when I asked turned out he had about two thousand quid for me and loads more to come.

Next thing I was learning to drive, proper like, not driving up to moors with a lad letting him fuck me and driving home again, no this were some old coffin dodger, he took me out for a couple of hours most days then I took me test and never even had to shag the examiner for a pass. Had to wear Simon's bloody belt though.

I was so chuffed but Simon made me buy me own car, would not let me drive his, not even the Ford, I did not want to drive the Ferrari, or the Bentley any road.

It were a few months till people started noticing me, they started waving on building sites, then I twigged it, there was me face staring at me from this porn magazine on top shelf in paper shop, staring from between me legs with me bum in the air.

I felt like a film star, I was walking on air, Old Boghouse me headmaster said I would never amount to nothing but I had arrived, I bet he had a copy to wank over and all, and then Simon found he were getting offers for me services, in films I mean, like he had put his self down as me agent for a laugh, and suddenly I was likely to rake in the cash for a while, so he said we should get married, quiet like.

I ent entirely thick so I said we should have a pre nuptial to protect him, I clocked he were just about bankrupt, but pretty soon I had it sussed, Chantal had to go, he could not afford a maid, so she started working for me!, see I had no out goings, much and we had a great time, she soon learned to make Yorkshire pudding then I got the company sorted, and shifted studio to Yorkshire.

I used to pay the girls five hundred for a days filming, no bloody percentage, half of em worked in Factories or Shops but a few quid and a decent hairdo and they were chuffed, chopped the costs right down, more brass for us that way see, Best bit was when I directed one where Simon was in, we put this leather thing round his cock and Sebastian pretended to fuck his bum, they were playing part of raging Homos.

Full circle, I thought at first he were a Homo now he were pretending to be one.

But they said you can't do porn films when you are up the duff, well that's bollocks because the one where I were just about to drop little Albert was best seller yet. just got to get me figure back a bit then, I can get back to it, but with a tight corset and a whip and me tits all filled out, I reckon me Dominatrix ones might go down all right, I mean you can see me legs and hair are still fine and I can fake an upper class accent these days so where is the problem?

I got to get a passport next do do a film out in California.

It's a funny old world,

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