by LadyLovesBlue
Has good flow which is only lost here and there -
----- For example line 6: As he squeezed and pumped it fast.
----- would have slightly better flow as: As he pumped that squeeze so fast.
----- Bigger problem is the poem has no tone: the sing songy nature of the poetic structure obviates that
----- But sustaining flow over this long a poem shows talent