Bree's Journey Pt. 02

Spreading my thighs, I reached farther between my legs to caress my tight anus. Kieran would be adept at anal sex, not like the guys who'd experimented with me in the past. I'd been fortunate not to suffer permanent damage. He'd know how to make it good for both of us.

I shuddered at how intimate that would be.

Miles had mentioned it, but in my heart I always knew he'd never try it. Miles. How in the hell can I be in here fantasizing about Kieran when I haven't even broken it off with Miles, yet?

Miles is married. He is in love with his wife. Regardless of whether or not he loves you.

The worst of it was that I hadn't been telling the truth when I told him that I loved him. I was pretty sure that I said it to keep him from leaving. It had been a thought rattling around the back of my mind since I drove down to Austin. It explained why I felt sick every time he told me he loved me. I didn't feel it back. For awhile, I convinced myself that I did. I told myself that I needed to just get over my fear of relationships and let myself love again. I wanted to love him. Or somebody, anyway.

The urge to masturbate disappeared as I thought of Miles. We'd been on a downward spiral since our weekend together at his house. I'd been trying to deny it.

When I finally emerged from the bedroom after drying my hair and getting dressed, Kieran had a textbook cracked open and was studying. I'd brought a book with me, so I ducked back into the bedroom to get it before curling back up in the chair. We both sat there reading for quite awhile before Kieran broke the silence.

"You know, I keep going back to something you said earlier. About self-destructing. Is that really how you feel?"

I closed my book, keeping my finger between the pages to hold my place. "Yeah. Why?"

"It's just...I sort of think I've been doing the same thing. I just didn't realize it until you said that."

"What makes you think that?"

"I've sort of been in the same situation. I've been seeing someone who is married. It's not serious or anything. Just sex. I thought it wasn't a problem, but maybe I've just been kidding myself. Just wasting energy and time, and whittling away at my self-respect in the process."

I earmarked the page of my book and tucked it between my thigh and the arm of the chair. "I know what you mean. All that wasted time, and for what?"

"Another round of meaningless sex."

"Exactly. Not that it wasn't good at times. But so..."

"Empty."

"Yeah."

He got it. He got me. He wasn't just saying these things to pretend to understand the part of me that I had come to despise. Kieran struggled with similar demons.

"I can't go back to that again. I'm finished with relationships that aren't good for me."

Kieran nodded. "Me, too. We should make a pact. If either of us engages in destructive behavior, it's the responsibility of the other one to point it out and promptly kick their ass. Agreed?"

"Agreed. Does this mean that we're going to continue to be friends after I go back to Dallas?"

"Yeah. Hell, yeah. I mean, I want to. Do you?"

"Yeah. I do. You're the first person I've met that really understands me. You know?"

"Yeah. Same here. It's weird."

I was feeling like I was missing something. Or, maybe that I felt a little let down that we'd agreed to just be friends. That's what we did, right?

Now that I couldn't have him, I wanted him even more. I decided to test the waters.

"So, I guess that means that we're off limits to each other, then. Cause that would be destructive."

"Not necessarily. Why would that be destructive?"

"We don't live in the same city and we both tend to engage in fruitless relationships. It couldn't last."

"Don't be so negative. You haven't even given us a chance."

Somewhere in the recesses of my imagination, a jean-clad girl was fist pumping the air. It wasn't off the table. There was still a chance I'd get to experience those disco moves of his ... horizontally.

"I don't think we should just jump in the sack or anything. I mean, that wouldn't be any different than what we've done in the past. Right?"

I nodded and tried not to look wilted in the process. He was right, of course. I just didn't like it. And I had no idea where that put "us".

Kieran's brow furrowed as he dug his phone from his pocket. As he was reading something from it, I heard it vibrate in his hands. "I'm sorry about this."

"It's no problem."

"I have some loose ends to tie up. Time for me to liberate myself from my current, uh, situation."

"Liberate. I like that. I need to do the same."

Kieran started packing up his books. "I'll come back later tonight. Okay?"

"Yeah. That's cool. We don't have anything planned that I know of."

"Did they mention anything about possibly driving down to San Marcos tomorrow?"

"No...?"

"Some guy is having a party out on some property. They'd mentioned pitching a tent and staying there Saturday night."

"They didn't say anything to me about it. But Daniel knows that I don't do the camping thing. I have this intense fear of spiders. Still, y'all should go. Don't let me stop you."

"I wasn't planning to go. I think Daniel and Bryan were going to share a tent with another couple. Anyway, it's no big deal. They probably changed their mind when you showed up."

"Shit. I hope not. They should go. I'll talk to them about it when they get back from class. Thanks for mentioning it."

"No problem. I'll catch you later." Kieran leaned down and gave me a quick kiss. Then he turned on his heel toward the door.

"See ya later."

I watched him get into his car and drive off. Suddenly the space around me felt very empty.

I missed him, already. But not in the same way I would miss Miles after our dates. I wasn't all wound up in lustful angst for Kieran. I missed his company.

I couldn't deny that I wanted to get him in my bed. But if it didn't happen, I'd be okay with that. I'd still want to see him, hang out with him, and talk to him on the phone. I'd want to hear about his classes and how things are going with his parents. I'd want to share more comfortable silences with him, and then talk about things that are so personal, I couldn't even imagine discussing them with my best friend. Was that crazy?

How did I get to be so comfortable with him after only three days together? It was one of those questions I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to answer.

I read for about an hour, then went to the grocery store and picked up some food for the house. I knew if I really needed to be reimbursed for it, all I had to do was tell Mom how I'd spent my money and she'd pay me back.

The rest of the day, I waited.

I convinced myself that I was waiting for Daniel and Bryan to get back from class, but I knew that was a lie when the feeling didn't subside after they'd arrived. I was waiting for Kieran to come back to me.

By the time dinner rolled around, my chest literally ached for him. Bryan wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we were preparing the spaghetti and garlic bread.

"What's the matter, Bree? You look down. Is it that man in Dallas? Do you miss him?"

I shook my head. Miles hadn't crossed my mind since my morning shower. I considered confiding in Bryan for a second, but then realized what a mistake that would be. He'd tell Daniel, and then all hell would break loose. "It's nothing. I've just got a lot on my mind, that's all."

I could see that Bryan wasn't buying it for a second. I needed to change the subject.

"Kieran mentioned that you guys might have plans tomorrow. Some party down in San Marcos...?"

"Oh, that. It's nothing. We can go another time."

"No! You should go. I mean it. Make Daniel take you."

"They have parties all the time down there. How often do you visit?"

"I'll visit more often. I promise. Go. Please. I could use the time alone. Really."

Bryan frowned at me. "Okay. Are you sure everything is alright?"

"Yeah. Everything is fine. I'm going to be fine. I've been sorting out some things since I arrived and I think I'm finally on the right track."

"Has Kieran been helping you?"

I nodded. "Yeah. He's a good friend."

Bryan studied my face for a moment. "If he turned out to be more than that, I'd be okay with it."

I glanced over my shoulder to check for Daniel. "You'd be the only one."

"He'll get over it. Just give him some time to adjust to the idea."

I found Bryan's confidence that something might materialize between Kieran and myself uplifting. "There's nothing to adjust to. We're just friends."

Bryan snorted. "Uh-huh."

"Nothing has happened. He's never so much as made a pass at me, and he's had plenty of opportunity."

"He has a lot to be wary of. It could ruin his friendship with Daniel. But he likes you. I know that much. We've known Kieran for years, and I've never seen him quite this focused. That's why Daniel is so touchy about it."

"This feels so different than any of my past love affairs, though."

"But that's good, isn't it? You haven't exactly had a lot of success in that department so maybe you should try something different."

"I don't know if we can break out of the whole friendship thing we have going. And, I'm not sure I want to. I mean, if it doesn't work out, then I've lost a friend. Maybe the best friend I've got right now."

"Then make sure that it works out."

I heard Daniel's footsteps entering the living room, on their way toward us. Bryan casually moved away from me to stir the boiling pasta. A moment later, Daniel's hands were on Bryan's waist as he looked over his shoulder.

I watched them in my peripheral vision. They were a cute couple. Very affectionate and comfortable with one another. They'd started out as good friends and built a loving relationship on top of it.

Maybe what Bryan said makes sense.

I'd taken his last statement as being dismissive. Something one would say when they're tired of talking about that subject, and merely want you to move onto something else. Looking back on it, though, maybe he was speaking from experience, and there was a real truth to what he was saying.

If I didn't want to lose my friendship with Kieran, then I needed to make sure that I didn't. I needed to do whatever was necessary to hold onto it. That might mean letting my heart and my head take the lead for once and not impulsively responding to my raging lust.

It was certainly different.

***

Kieran

Everything about this whole thing with Bree was different than any other relationship I'd had.

I could talk to her about personal things without feeling like she might run out the door at any moment. More than that. I knew she'd understand because she was like me in so many ways. It's like we'd been living the same life in parallel with one another.

Damn, I really like this girl.

It was sickening how much I was missing her after only being apart for a few hours. I wanted to get back to her so I wouldn't miss the next epiphany she had about her life, both of our lives, since they seemed to be so connected. I longed to hear her laugh, to watch that little crease in the center of her brow growing more pronounced when she had a particularly deep thought. How her fingers seem to always be in motion, whether they're absentmindedly caressing something, or picking at her fingernails, or combing through her silky strands of hair. I'd been fortunate enough to feel that silkiness in my hands when I kissed her goodbye. And her scent...It lingered on me all the way to campus. Clean, slightly floral, but also distinctly her.

Everything she did was erotic as hell, only she didn't mean for it to be. She was just being herself. I was starting to lose focus at Daniel's place. I had to get out of there, not only because Daniel was texting me, but because I was seconds from jumping her bones.

I loaded the last of the liquor in the trunk of my car before heading back to Daniel's house. Friday night gatherings at their place was pretty much a norm. None of us had money to go to bars so we just hung out, and since Daniel and Bryan rented a house, their place was the best choice.

I'd met Daniel for lunch after he texted me, but I couldn't bring myself to end things with him. What we had together wasn't anything more than sex, I was sure of that, but Daniel hadn't always been supportive of my relationships with girls. And he sure as hell wasn't going to like that I'd decided to start something with his sister. I didn't want to add to it by telling him that I couldn't continue with the way things were. Maybe if I didn't say anything, didn't break it off, but then just wasn't available for awhile, things would sort of end on their own with him.

Out of sight, out of mind. Right?

I hoped that wasn't the case with Bree, though, because I didn't have a clue how we were going to continue to see each other after she went home. That three hour drive between Austin and Dallas was going to kill us. But I needed to try. If I didn't, I'd always wonder if she was the one. She felt like she might be.

As insane as it was to be having that thought, I couldn't help myself. Everything felt right with her.

I pulled up to the house and popped the trunk, eyeing the doorway in hopes of seeing Bree. I was anxious to see her face. I wanted to know if she'd missed me as much as I'd missed her. I needed to know that she was feeling the same thing that I was. If I could somehow see that on her face, then I could get through the evening without holding her the way I wanted. I could somehow survive the aching restraint of not invading her mouth in an utterly possessive kiss, pressing my pelvis against hers, sliding my hand up her shirt; doing all the things I desperately longed to do with her.

Daniel approached from the house. "Need a hand?"

He slid his arm around my waist as he surveyed the contents of my trunk. I glanced at the house, hoping that Bree wasn't watching. Given what happened to her with her high school boyfriend, I was afraid seeing me with another man would just give her one more reason to not want to start something with me. I could explain it to her until the cows came home, but she'd probably not hear any of it. The hurt of seeing those pictures of her boyfriend with another man was powerful. It was affecting her still. Just the possibility that it could happen again if she developed feelings for me must be terrifying. I didn't want to give her any reason to feel that way. I didn't want her to run away before we had a chance to see what we might be like together.

Daniel and I loaded our arms and walked into the house. My eyes sought out Bree and we locked gazes as I stepped through the doorway.

She was beaming, literally glowing with excitement. My heart tripped over itself at the sight of her. She was just as thrilled to see me as I was her. It took every ounce of restraint not to scoop her up in my arms so that I could whisk her off to the bedroom. God, I wanted her. I couldn't remember ever wanting anyone as much as I wanted her.

"What's all this? Are we having a party?"

Daniel fessed up. "People usually drop by on Friday night. It's sort of become a regular thing."

Bree surveyed the contents being unloaded. "Is all this for us?"

"No. Randy gave me money earlier this week to buy him some vodka and rum."

I noted the relief on Bree's face and wondered where her worry stemmed from. I couldn't recall Daniel having ever mentioned his parents being alcoholics.

"I brought the beer for us, though. Didn't want you to spend any more of your money buying liquor for us poor college students."

"You're hardly poor, Kieran. I saw all those tips you got last night."

I checked her face for a trace of admonishment. Her smile widened in what could almost be described as pride. I released an audible sigh of relief that was covered up by Daniel's remark.

"He damn well earns them."

"Enough about work, guys. It's my day off. Help me out here, Bryan."

Bryan rolled his eyes. "Since when do you need my help handling Danny?"

It wasn't Daniel I wanted to handle at that moment. My eyes sought out what I wanted and stayed there until I noticed a flush of pink crawling up her cheeks. I was staring. Fuck!

I immediately turned my attention to where Bryan and Daniel were loading beer bottles into the refrigerator. It wasn't like me to be such a dumb-ass. Usually I was a little more suave than that. Bree had me so off-center.

I glanced back to her and caught her studying me. In that moment, it felt like an electric current passed between us. Our attraction was mutual. She'd made up her mind about me like I had about her. In those seconds during our locked gaze, so many decisions were made and silently communicated.

We were going to give it a shot.

***

Bree

Seeing Kieran made everything clearer to me. I was definitely developing a crush. I wasn't convinced it was the best idea I'd ever had, but I was willing to see where it went, even if it might only be for a few more days.

God, I hope it's longer than that. I want this to work out.

Against all odds, I silently hoped that this relationship would be different. I actually wanted it to be more than just a brief, sexual affair. In fact, for the first time in my short adult existence, I was actually not focused on the sex. I wanted it, of course. I wanted Kieran in every way that one person wants another, but I knew that sex was just going to be the icing on the cake with us. It wasn't the part of him that I longed for the most.

The house got crowded in a hurry. Within twenty minutes of Kieran's arrival, eight guys and two girls had shown up. My brother's house was the place to be on Friday night. Early Friday night, anyway. For some of the guests, this was just a warm-up for their main event.

Kieran was greeting friends along with Daniel and Bryan. I recognized a couple of the faces from the party on the first night I arrived. Thankfully, Bryan repeated their names when he introduced me. Of course, I promptly forgot them again. I'd never been very good at remembering the names of people I met at parties. And since it was unlikely that I'd see these people again, there was no incentive for me to memorize their names.

I struck up a conversation with one of the girls while fetching another beer in the kitchen. Her name was Julie but everyone called her Jules. She was the party girl that was everyone's friend, but no one's girlfriend. I identified with her immediately. In my circle of college friends, I was that girl.

She was a junior, studying design. Her focus area was more specific than that, but I missed part of her description when a new group of people arrived and the crowd noise suddenly got louder. We didn't have much in common, other than both being single girls at a male-heavy party. Not that all the men were heterosexual. It was difficult to tell in some cases, but at least half the guys were gay, probably more.

I scanned the crowd to spot Kieran on the far side of the living room. He was pinned by two guys who were obviously a couple. They were taking turns telling some story in a very lively manner. It was obvious that Kieran was enjoying their conversation.

Is that the couple he's been seeing?

The thought popped into my head before I could stop it. He'd not mentioned who it was that he'd been seeing. I glanced around the room. It could be anyone at this party. In fact, it most likely was someone in this crowd.

I shuddered at the mental image that followed. I didn't want to think of Kieran with anyone else. But especially not another man. My hand instinctively moved to my stomach.

"Are you okay?"

My attention shifted back to Jules. "Yeah." I relaxed my arm so my hand was once again at my side. "I'm fine. My past is just haunting me again."