Coming to Grips Ch. 02

"Thanks for lunch, Suzanne. I'm glad we went. And I meant what I said," Colby told her in a quiet voice. She looked at Suzanne for another couple of seconds and then gave her a little wave. "See you later," she said as she turned to go.

"Later," Suzanne mumbled. She tried to get right back to work but all the walls she had built seemed breached. Lunch with Colby made her feel more vulnerable than she had in a long time. When she couldn't get her mind back into gear, she got up and went to the restroom. Turning the water on cold, she let it run until it was as cold as it was going to get. Filling her hands, she dipped her face into it. Then she did it again, and again. Finally, when she couldn't take it anymore, Suzanne looked in the mirror. Her eyes were clear and her thoughts were back under control. "I look like shit, but it will do," she thought to herself.

When Suzanne got back to the office, she immediately started working on the spreadsheet she hadn't been able to get to earlier. It felt good to focus on something else and she made quick progress.

Over the course of the day, numerous people stuck their head into Suzanne's office. Sometimes it was a few brief moments; other times they came in and sat down for conversations that lasted a while. The walls stayed back up. The turmoil of earlier didn't return. Even the irritation that she had felt when interrupted by Colby stayed away. Each person got her full attention and left feeling better about whatever issue had prompted the visit.

Among Suzanne's visitors was Colby. The first time she stopped by to ask about an upcoming meeting. Hanging back, Colby wasn't sure about bothering Suzanne. The way Suzanne looked at her was a surprise. The haunted look from earlier was gone. "It's almost like it never happened," she thought. Still, unlike everyone else, Colby sensed that it was just a mask. Whatever was going on with Suzanne was once again deeply submerged. While no traces of the pain were there now, she couldn't forget how Suzanne looked at lunch. Colby felt torn. "I know what she wants me to do. Forget about it and just carry on," she thought. If she knew Suzanne she might have resisted, but it was only a day and a lunch since they met. "Fine, I'll do it! But she needs to let out what's bothering her at some point," Colby thought with a sigh. She started to talk about the upcoming customer focus group.

For a blink of an eye, a tiny crack appeared. A slight tension in Suzanne's shoulders Colby hadn't even noticed went away. Somehow, she sensed Suzanne's gratitude for pretending nothing had happened. Colby nodded and then went on talking.

At the end of the day, Colby couldn't help herself. On her way out, she looked around the doorjamb to find Suzanne still hard at work. When she recognized Colby, Suzanne gave her a reserved but genuine smile.

"I just wanted to say good night and thanks for lunch," Colby told her.

The smile slid off Suzanne's face. "No problem. Enjoy the evening," Suzanne replied. Her voice sounded like she still had the smile on her face. Slowly a shadow of it returned.

Like earlier in the day, Colby wondered why Suzanne touched her this way. Still, there was no denying that her underlying sadness affected her. Even in the brief time she knew Suzanne, Colby could tell that she used work to keep her demons at bay. "Don't work too late," was all she said.

"No promises," Suzanne said with a slightly bigger and much more genuine smile. After a moment, Suzanne added, "Don't worry about me." It could have been a response to what Colby said. They both knew it wasn't.

It was after nine before Suzanne turned off the light and left. It was not particularly late for her. Nevertheless, it wasn't typical to stay quite that long. As she walked to the car, she tried to keep her mind on superficial things, dinner, if there was enough cat food, and the fact that she hadn't got to the gym. It had not been her plan to work late. Losing the entire morning wasn't either. The other reasons for working late, she ignored.

When she got home, her Siamese cat greeted her. "I missed you too, Tup," she told the noisy cat who wound her way around her feet. As she made her way inside, Tuptim pranced behind her. The nighttime greeting always made her feel good. Some mornings her cat slept in and did not even notice her leaving. Coming home, however, was always a production. A talkative cat already, she got even more so when Suzanne talked back.

Right now however, Suzanne was hungry. She had not had anything since the pho earlier. Looking in the fridge, she found last night's leftovers and popped them into the microwave. As she waited, Suzanne crouched down and petted her cat. She loved the way that Tuptim pushed her head into the waiting hand, not patient enough to tolerate any delay.

When the microwave turned off, Suzanne took her plate and sat down at the kitchen counter. A half a second later, Tuptim jumped up on the stool next to her. The tip of her nose edged just over the counter. Suzanne gave her a warning look. "You know the rules," Suzanne said firmly. Her cat knew better than to get up on the counter, but occasionally she checked to make sure the rules hadn't changed. Satisfied that she would stay on the stool, Suzanne began to eat.

"Long day," Suzanne told her cat. As always, Tuptim gave the impression of rapt attention to what she was saying. "You remember me telling you about Jim's new assistant?" Pausing, Suzanne glanced at Tuptim as if to check that she remembered. "We had lunch today. She likes pho so we went to that one I like." Going silent, Suzanne put food in her mouth without really tasting it. After a few moments, Tuptim leaned her head forward and rubbed along Suzanne's knee. She smiled a little and scratched behind her ear.

"Turns out she's a lesbian. How fair is that, huh? She is not only gorgeous and nice, but she likes girls. World's conspiring against me," Suzanne said and made a deep sigh. "It's going to be hard, Tup. She is so nice. And she is insightful. One day, and I told her I have issues, Tup." She got quiet again. When she spoke again, her voice was shaking. "I almost cried, Babycat. She got me thinking again about Chlo..." The tears started to come now.

Tuptim stood up on the stool and stepped onto Suzanne's lap. Butting her head against Suzanne's chest, she purred loudly. Suzanne's little laugh was broken with her sobs. Still, she leaned her head down so that Tuptim could touch noses with her. Her crying lessened some. Since getting the cat shortly after moving into her first apartment all alone, Tuptim had been her confidant. All the thoughts she couldn't tell someone else, she shared with the cat. She never judged Suzanne, and her unquestioning love was extremely important.

"You don't like it when Mom cries, do you?" Suzanne told her. As was often the case when she ended something with the rise of a question, Tuptim made a little meow. It was why it felt so good to talk to her, Suzanne thought. Tuptim always seemed to be listening. Picking a little piece of chicken from her plate, she fed the cat. "Don't tell anyone, okay?" Suzanne said through the slowly stopping tears. Too busy to answer now, Tuptim's purrs became louder. Even though her plate was still half full, Suzanne wasn't hungry anymore and she pushed it away. That wasn't uncommon these days. Suzanne leaned back and pressed her hands to her eyes. Eventually the tears stopped. The hurt wasn't gone. It never was. She just swept it back under the rug.

Picking up her cat, Suzanne moved her to the floor. As she took the plate to the kitchen and cleaned up, Tuptim followed her and licked her chops. Although there was some more chicken left, Suzanne did not share anymore. Once everything was put away, Suzanne glanced at the clock. It was already 10:30. She felt every minute of the long day. "Shall we get ready for bed, Tup?" Suzanne asked the cat. There was a quiet meow in reply and Suzanne smiled for the first time in a while. "Okay," she said.

In the bedroom, she quickly shed her clothes and put on a t-shirt. It was long and baggy. It wasn't flattering, except for showing off her legs. Still, it was comfortable. Suzanne went into the bathroom and carefully washed and cleaned her face. Picking up her toothbrush, she opened the medicine cabinet to get the toothpaste. She couldn't help looking at a couple of bottles of pills. Suzanne put down her toothbrush and picked them up instead. When she broke her ribs playing rec volleyball a couple of years ago, her doctor prescribed painkillers since it was fairly painful. Suzanne took one and didn't like how it made her feel. Nevertheless, she called for a refill when the pills should have run out. Since then, they had just sat in the medicine cabinet, except when she took them out like this.

The feeling of the walls closing in on her started again. Suzanne thought about the pain that never seemed to leave. Even under the rug, she always knew it was there. "I've fucked up my life so much," she thought. It would be easy and painless; it would end the pain.

Tuptim jumped up onto the little half wall between the sink and the toilet. She clearly wanted some more attention. Placing the bottles back in the cabinet, she reached over and petted Tuptim. Lifting her hand up, the cat reared up on her hind legs so that she could keep contact with Suzanne's hand. It always made Suzanne smile. "I can't leave you, can I?" she whispered. There were moments when that was all that stopped Suzanne. Going back to getting ready, she brushed her teeth and then went into the bedroom. Tuptim stuck with her the whole way. As soon as she was settled, the little cat jumped up and snuggled down beside Suzanne. Like usual, she picked a spot that was just barely within reach, forcing Suzanne to stretch in order to be able to scratch the furry head. "Cat power play," Suzanne told her with a smile. "You win." With that, she turned off the light and tried to sleep.

With as tired as she was, Suzanne expected to fall asleep right away. Instead, she found herself reliving lunch, both the good and the bad. Colby had looked so nice. Suzanne still felt the sensation of being lost when Colby looked at her with those blue eyes. Beyond that, her voice added to the feeling. Even more than her incredible body, those two things were what drew Suzanne and made it almost impossible to put Colby out of her mind. She turned over, prompting a little protest from Tuptim. The cat settled down that time but when Suzanne turned back over, she had enough. Suzanne felt her jump down and leave to find a resting spot that didn't move. Sighing, Suzanne tried to blank her mind of all thoughts. It did not work well but eventually exhaustion won. Her dreams though were full of turmoil and the sleep that she did get was not very restful.

The next couple of weeks were slightly easier. Except for planning the user group meetings, Colby was too busy to spend much time with Suzanne. During those discussions, Suzanne concentrated on the details and tried not to look at Colby too much. They spent little time together other than that. Twice Colby asked Suzanne if she wanted to get lunch together. Both times Suzanne already had a lunch meeting and could decline without offending Colby. Suzanne was even able to show genuine disappointment in not being free. At some point, she wouldn't have an excuse and then she would have to say yes, but for now, she was getting through one day at a time.

The following week, Colby was in Suzanne's office going over the final details before the user group meeting next Tuesday. Colby had just stepped out to get the answer to one of Suzanne's questions when the phone rang. Without looking at the telephone, Suzanne picked it up. "Suzanne Wilson speaking," she said in a matter of fact voice.

"Hi, sweetie," her mother's voice interrupted her train of thought. Suzanne barely managed not to groan aloud. She balled one hand as she berated herself for not having looked.

"Hi, Mom." Suzanne tried to sound glad to hear her, even if enthusiasm wasn't possible. Just then, Colby walked back in, pausing at the door uncertain if she was intruding. Putting one hand over the phone, Suzanne whispered, "My mom." When it looked like Colby was going to leave again, Suzanne waved her in and then held up one finger. She hoped the call wouldn't last more than a minute.

"I just wanted to call and make sure you hadn't forgotten you are coming up this weekend," her mother told her. Without meaning to, she had a nagging quality to her voice.

Keeping her hand over the phone for another moment, Suzanne let out a long sigh. "One time," she thought. A little over a year ago, she had forgotten one of her monthly visits for dinner. Now every time her mother found some way to remind her of it. In truth, Suzanne had a hard time getting them out of her mind. It had just been a fluke mostly due to having made two red eye trips across the country on top of fourteen-hour days. She was so punchy that weekend that she barely remembered her name.

"Yes, Mom. I remember," Suzanne said. She was doing the best to keep her irritation out of her voice. Fortunately, her mother couldn't see her face and body language.

Colby, on the other hand, could appreciate the whole performance. She watched as Suzanne twisted one way and then the other, getting the cord wrapped up around her before reversing direction. The toe tapping was furious during the moments when Suzanne wasn't turning. Colby could only hear Suzanne's side of the conversation.

"I know, Mom."

"Yes, I'll be there at 7."

"I already told you. I can't stay the night."

"Why?" Suzanne said and paused for a second. "I have a brunch date."

"No, he's new. Mom, I'm with someone. I'll tell you Saturday."

She let out an exasperated sigh. This time she didn't hide it. "Yes, I remember Lori."

"Great, I'm glad she is getting married. Mom, someone is in my office. Got to go. Love you," Suzanne said in a rush and hung up. She didn't look up at Colby right away. Instead, she took a few breaths and tried to get a little control. When she looked up, she was thankful that Colby had a sympathetic expression on her face. It would have been too hard if she was laughing.

"Sorry," Suzanne told her.

Colby shook her head. "No apologies necessary. I think everyone's mom drives them crazy. I have to say though, I feel like I've got it easy in comparison."

"Really? Can we trade?" Suzanne asked. It didn't sound like a joke to Colby. "Never mind, I wouldn't do that to you. You're too nice."

"She can't be that bad," Colby said, acting like Suzanne was kidding. The look Suzanne gave her was unreadable. She tried to change the subject. "So you have a date on Sunday?"

That prompted a bitter sounding laugh from Suzanne. "No, I lied. I just can't take spending the weekend. A few hours of interrogation will be enough. I just used an excuse she wants to hear." Now that she had made it, Suzanne groaned and hit herself on the leg.

The sheer force of it surprised Colby. "Shit, that must have hurt," she thought.

Suzanne gave no indication that it did. "Damn it. That's the problem with lies. One usually begets another. Now I have to come up with a plausible date to tell her Saturday. And then I need to invent how it went and why I'm never seeing him again."

Colby thought a moment. "Listen," she said. "Not that I am an expert, but it's always better to keep a lie simple. It's too easy to get tripped up." Colby winked at Suzanne before continuing. "Tell her it's a blind date set up by someone at work and it's mostly a favor to her. All you know is he is a software guy. There are thousands of those. And then tell her that he cancelled at the last moment on Sunday."

For a moment, Suzanne sat there with her mouth slightly open, and then she laughed. This time it was truly one of amusement. "Remind me to suspect you when your excuse is a little too straightforward. That's perfect. I don't like lying and this keeps it to a minimum. Thanks, Colby."

"No problem. Happy to help a sister in our never ending battle against meddling mothers," Colby said. "Try having a mother who tries to set you up with every single lesbian she meets." Suzanne laughed so hard she started to snort which made Colby start laughing too.

In between laughs, Colby told Suzanne about a few of the dates her mother suggested. "The best one was, or should I say the worst, was a forty year old angry dyke with a crew cut. It wasn't the age or the hair cut that got to me. It was just that she was an angry person. I don't care what someone looks like. If they are going through life angry, I am not interested. I love my Mom but I had to put my foot down after that. Just because she is a lesbian doesn't mean I'm interested. It's been a while since her last suggestion."

Suzanne's laughter slowly died off. "At least she accepts you and supports you, even if in bizarre ways." Colby could almost see the black cloud descending on Suzanne. "Not everyone is so lucky," Suzanne said quietly.

Colby remembered when they went to lunch and Suzanne talked about her friend in high school. "Something must have happened to her; something to do with her family," she thought to herself. She wished she knew Suzanne better so that she could ask about it. Colby wondered how long it might take to get to know her. "She's so private; it could take a while," she realized. "Too bad. It looks like she could use a friend."

They still had work to do and getting on with it seemed like the best thing to help Suzanne get out of her mood. Colby picked up the papers that had the information Suzanne wanted and pointed out the answers to her. That started them down another path as they rechecked those details. When Colby looked up, she realized that over an hour and a half had passed.

"Wow, it's after one. Where did the time go?" Colby said in surprise. All of a sudden, she felt hungry. "I need to get something to eat." She looked over at Suzanne. After having asked Suzanne out for lunch a couple of times, she felt a little shy about doing it again. While she didn't have any sense that there was a problem, Colby couldn't swear that there wasn't one either. Still, they had been working together and if it was anyone else, Colby wouldn't have hesitated. "Would you like to grab a bite to eat?" she finally asked.

Even before Colby asked, Suzanne guessed she would. It gave her a couple of seconds to think about it. Despite admitting that she was a little uncomfortable with being alone with Colby, she also needed to work well with her. Moreover, she couldn't think of any good reason to turn her down.

"Sure, that would be great. Let's go," Suzanne told her. As they headed out the door, Suzanne thought, "At least, being around her all morning is making it a little easier to not get caught by how good looking she is."

Of course, the mere thought served to renew the awareness and once again, Suzanne found herself being distracted. They were somewhat reversed in what they were wearing today. Suzanne had on a long pencil skirt that accentuated her long slim body while Colby was wearing a tight pair of capri pants that showed off her curves. As with the other day, Suzanne tried to avoid looking at Colby's breasts. It was hard as the woman's shirt she was wearing was buttoned down enough to show her cleavage. It was slightly suggestive rather than racy, but still Suzanne found it hard not to look.

Once they were down on the street, Colby looked at Suzanne. "Your turn to pick," she said with a smile.

"Well, what are you in the mood for?" Suzanne asked but saw that Colby was shaking her head with a stubborn look.

"Nope. You made me pick without any help. You pick this time!" Colby demanded as her smile got bigger.