Coming to Grips Ch. 02

"Hmmm." Suzanne ran all the restaurants around there through her mind. The sushi one was probably her favorite and that made it an easy choice. She started to walk towards the restaurant. "I hope you like sushi, because that's where we are going."

"Are you kidding? You can't grow up in the Bay Area and not like sushi. Even if you hate it, you need to fake it. People will think there is something wrong with you," Colby replied. This time Suzanne remembered and her pace was easy for Colby to match.

At the restaurant, there was still a bit of the noon lunch crowd so they had a little wait to be seated. Sitting down in two chairs next to each other, Suzanne immediately noticed how cramped it was. The person next to her was heavy and forced her to lean against Colby. It was hard to ignore the sensation of touching her. Colby's breast was at the exact wrong height and rested on top of Suzanne's arm. Just trying to maintain control of her breathing was hard for Suzanne. It had been so long she had forgotten how breasts felt. Her own were so small that there was never that sense of them resting on something. Colby's breasts were larger than Chloe's, but still it brought back memories of when they were together. There was something about the density and feel that was different more than anything else. Suzanne couldn't help but recall how much she had loved to play with Chloe's. A tiny part of her wanted to move her arm, just to relive how it felt. She didn't of course, but the temptation did not go away as long as they were sitting like that.

It was a relief when they were seated. "I've got to look at her now, but it's easier than touching her," Suzanne thought. Unfortunately for her, the table they got was smaller than the others. For most people, it would not be a problem. No matter how hard Suzanne tried, she couldn't find a position that didn't have her leg rubbing up against Colby's.

"Don't worry about it," Colby told her. "It doesn't bother me."

As they looked at the menu, Suzanne wondered what was more distressing. Was it really the gentle pressure of Colby's leg. Or was it really that it was only her that found it hard. As much as she wanted to keep her secrets, it would be nice to feel noticed by another woman, especially such a good-looking one. She recalled when her classmate back in college had pursued her. Even though she had not let it go anywhere, the feeling of being desired was the best part. It sustained her for a while, knowing that a lesbian wanted her. Another lesbian.

When the waitress came over and asked if they were ready, Suzanne said yes although she hadn't really been reading the menu. Using the time while Colby ordered, she quickly chose some sushi and sashimi. Japanese food was easy to pick.

For a little while, they talked about work and the meetings next week. Just before the food was delivered, Colby looked Suzanne in the eyes. "Do you mind if I ask something personal?" She felt a little nervous, knowing the turmoil that was beneath Suzanne's surface. She couldn't help but notice how quickly a guarded look came into Suzanne's eyes after she asked.

"Sure," was Suzanne's short reply.

"We were talking about your mom before," Colby started saying. The closed off look deepened. Colby almost stopped and told Suzanne never mind, but something made her want to understand Suzanne better. She forced herself to continue. "I'm guessing the picture of the couple on your bookshelf is your parents." It was a nice picture taken on the top of some mountain with an amazing view of more mountains behind them.

Suzanne nodded and her face relaxed a tiny bit. "Yeah, that was taken last year."

"Who is the good looking young guy in the picture next to them?" Colby asked.

"Oh," Suzanne said. The way the question brought her up short, Colby expected the guarded look to come completely back. Instead, Suzanne's face softened, even if it was with sorrow. "That's my brother. He died a long time ago, when I was still in grade school."

"God, Suzanne. I'm sorry. I thought maybe he was an ex-boyfriend or something," Colby told her. "I should have realized the resemblance." Although Suzanne's face showed that after all the years David's death still hurt, Colby noticed that it wasn't the raw pain she had seen a few times peek through Suzanne's mask. Whatever that was, it was something different.

"It's okay. There isn't any way you could know. You might have guessed brother, but that's it," Suzanne said. Already the sorrow was fading away to leave the melancholy look that Colby was starting to recognize.

Still when the food came, Suzanne surprised Colby by telling her about David and dealing with his death. Unlike so many other things in Suzanne's past, there didn't seem to be any land mines. Her feelings of loss were still there, but at least she dealt with it.

"He sounds like a great guy, Suzanne," Colby told her as the plates were being cleared away. "How much he meant to you comes through pretty clearly."

"He was, and he did," Suzanne said. A couple of moments later, the guarded look came back.

Not thinking, Colby blurted out, "What?"

"Oh, sorry. I was just thinking that seeing my parents meant hearing about how wonderful he was. Don't get me wrong, I love him and miss him every day, but he has become a saint to my parents, especially my mom. She compares me to him all the time, and I always come off second," Suzanne said. "I'm a disappointment to her."

"Oh my God, why? You are brilliant, have a great career, and don't tell Jim I said this, but he worries a lot about losing you. He thinks it would really hurt the company," Colby told her. "Plus you are a nice and genuinely good person. What more does she want?"

"I got the wrong degree at the UDub. I got an MBA; she wishes I got an MRS. She wishes I had babies instead of a career. And I turned away from the Church. I mean we never talk about that, but she knows I only go to church when I'm home on a Sunday." Suzanne smiled a little. "My priorities aren't hers and praising David is a way of saying it, without really saying it."

"Ah, I get it. Sorry Suzanne, I don't think I like your mother," Colby said.

"Meet her and then you would be sure you don't. She is a narrow minded small town homophobe," Suzanne said with a hard edge to her voice. It didn't soften much as she added, "So's my dad, he is just a little nicer and more sincere in his beliefs. At least he is proud of me, at least in my temporal life. He worries about my soul a lot."

The return of the waitress with their check interrupted the moment. Colby grabbed it before Suzanne had a chance. "My treat this time. You got it before." Suzanne conceded graciously with a smile. Colby tried to lighten the mood by teasing Suzanne a little. "You give him a lot of cause to worry about your soul?"

Rather than taking it as a joke, Suzanne just answered. "No, not in a long time."

Once they were back in the office, they went their separate ways. Their work on the meeting was done and each one had other things to do. At the very end of the day, Colby stopped by to say goodnight. It looked like Suzanne was not even close to wrapping up the day.

"Suzanne, turn off your computer. Don't do another long night," Colby said.

"I don't stay late every night," Suzanne replied defensively.

Colby gave her a look that Suzanne found hard to meet. "First, bullshit. I see your emails and it's pretty normal to see that you sent them after nine. And many times, it's later ... much later. Second, it's Friday. You can knock off at a normal time on Friday." Seeing that Suzanne was going to keep on arguing, Colby added one more thing. "Don't make me go get Jim!"

Sighing, Suzanne nodded. "Okay, I need to finish what I'm working on or I will spend way more time getting back into it. I will go home then."

"How long?" Colby wanted to know.

"A half hour, promise."

"I'm going to hold you to it," Colby said in a stern tone.

"Have a good weekend," Suzanne told her.

"I will. You too," Colby responded before remembering what Suzanne's plans were. "Well, as good as possible," she finished.

"Thanks," Suzanne said as she watched Colby turn and disappear down the hallway. "Fuck," she silently added as she thought about how good Colby looked. It took her a couple of tries before she could get her mind back onto work.

A little while later, Suzanne's phone rang. She checked the number. Since it wasn't her mother's or even one she recognized, she picked it up. "Suzanne Wilson."

"Suzanne Wilson, it is thirty-five minutes since I left. What the hell are you still doing there?" She immediately recognized Colby's voice.

"Ummm," was the only thing Suzanne could say.

"Do I need to come back down there and turn off your computer?" Colby said. Although she didn't know Colby well yet, Suzanne thought she sounded like she would do it. "I may be late for my date, but I will."

"That's a little piece of information that I didn't need to know," Suzanne thought to herself. She reached up and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Sorry, I'll shut down now. It's a bad habit, especially when I only have Tup to go home to. I wouldn't want you to mess with your date." She hoped she sounded more sincere than she felt.

"Tup?" Colby asked. "Have you been holding out on me? You have a guy at home?"

Suzanne laughed. "First, she's a girl and second, Tup is my cat."

"Oh, so you swing my way," Colby teased. "Puts a whole new light on my attractive co-worker."

Suzanne felt her cheeks burn with a sudden flush. She chuckled nervously and attempted a comeback. "Better not. My Babycat has been known to get jealous."

"I like a challenge," Colby said as she laughed in her wonderful throaty way. The amusement left her voice as she continued. "Suzanne, you promised me once. Are you really leaving? Because I'll make my date drive me past and look to see if there are still lights there."

Just then, Suzanne's laptop made the sound of powering off. "Hear that? It's off and I just need to pack my laptop bag. I'm out of here in five minutes."

"I guess I'll give you another chance," Colby said. "Talk to you Monday."

"Bye. Have fun on your date," Suzanne replied.

"I hope to!" Colby said as she ended the call.

Slowly Suzanne put everything she might need for the weekend in her bag. "Why does it bother me?" she wondered. "Yes, she is gorgeous, and nice. And yes, I'm attracted, but so what? I'll never do anything. I should be happy she can be who she is." It was that thought that helped her mostly put it out of her mind and just head home.

The next day Suzanne managed to sleep in until after ten, mostly because she stayed up late watching movies; partially because every time she started to stir, Tuptim moved back up onto her chest and purred louder. It felt very decadent. Most of the day, she worked. Reminding herself what Colby said about the time stamps on emails, she only logged on long enough to make sure there was nothing earth shattering waiting for her response. She spent more time fine-tuning the materials for her trip.

As much as she tried not to, Suzanne couldn't avoid clock watching. Most weekends, time seemed to drag by. Today it seemed to fly. Forty minutes before her normal time to leave, she checked the map application on her phone. She always did this. She promised to be there by seven. To the degree possible, she tried never to get there early so she timed her departure down to almost the last minute. Finally, she couldn't delay anymore.

"Wish me luck, Tup," Suzanne said as she lifted up her cat. As always, Tuptim picked up on her mood. Stretching her head out, she touched the nose of her human. "I love you too, Babycat," Suzanne said softly. "Where would I be without you?"

Suzanne generally couldn't help speeding. Usually it was only four or five miles per hour above the limit. Occasionally it was substantially more. Driving to her parents, she never sped.

When she pulled up to the house, it was a couple of minutes before seven. A familiar feeling of dread came over her. It happened every time she came to dinner or went home. She sighed. "I can't remember the last time I came home and enjoyed myself." Opening the car door, she got out and made her way to the door. By the time she got there, she had a little smile. Suzanne hoped she had managed at least to fake looking happy. She knocked at the door. Even though it was the place she grew up, she did not feel comfortable anymore just walking inside.

"Honey, you're here," her mother said with a huge smile as she opened the door. She pulled Suzanne in and gave her a big hug. "James, Suzanne's here," she called upstairs. "It's so nice to have you home, Honey. Come help me finish dinner, please."

"I'm glad to be here too, Mom," Suzanne said as she followed her mom into the kitchen. Over the years, her mother had managed to lose some weight but she still could probably lose another 50 pounds. It depressed Suzanne to see her. As much as there were things she did not like about her mom, she still loved her. The fear of losing her was always there. Since her heart attack, there had been a couple more shunts. She looked much older than her actual age, with skin that had a grayish undertone. As much as exercise would help her, she found it increasingly harder to do it. Suzanne knew there was an oxygen tank upstairs in her parents' bedroom. It was infrequent but occasionally her mother needed it. Watching her mother in front of the stove, Suzanne couldn't help wonder how long it would be until her mom was one of those people with tubes up her nose, dragging an oxygen tank with her everywhere.

"What can I do, Mom?" Suzanne asked.

"Could you make the salad? I have the lettuce on the counter there," her mom replied.

"Sure," Suzanne replied unenthusiastically. Salad at her parents was a little iceberg lettuce with a tomato. It wasn't hard to make, but it wasn't very appealing either. Still she was used to it.

When her dad came downstairs, Suzanne left the salad to give him a big hug. "Hi Daddy," she said as she kissed him on the cheek.

"Evening, Suzanne. Was the drive okay?" he asked.

"The usual; you know, traffic in all the expected places," Suzanne told him as she went back to finishing slicing the tomatoes and spreading them over the lettuce. Her mom was already taking the plates out to the table. Suzanne and her father talked about the road conditions. As they talked, Suzanne looked at him. He was still mostly in good shape physically. If he had a little more weight around the belly than when she was little, it was only slightly more. His skin tone showed he got outside a lot, whether it was working in the yard or going hunting and fishing, just like he always had. Still, the years were catching up with him. The worries and sadnesses over the years had piled onto him. He seemed a little more bent over recently and Suzanne noticed that his eyes were more sunken. It was rare these days to see a happy twinkle in his eyes.

The state of both her parents depressed Suzanne. She knew that some of the burdens her father carried were about her. "Mom acts as if nothing ever happened," Suzanne thought. "Dad, he always has to check." She knew that at some point when they were alone, he would bring it up somehow. She thought about Colby and her mom. What would it be like to have parents like that? Even as she was depressed about the slow decline of her parents, she couldn't help a little flare of resentment. She sighed as it was immediately followed by the familiar crushing sense of guilt. "It was my choice," she told herself. "I put them first for a reason." Her eyes darted over to the wall to look at the picture of David. There was one in just about every room in the house. The sense of loss was still there, no longer fresh but still painful. Although at times she could barely stand either one of them, the thought of one or both being gone was terrifying.

Picking up the salad bowls, Suzanne told her father to come in for dinner. She noticed him watching her. That always made her nervous, like she was being judged. "What have I done now," she wondered. "I'm sure I will hear at some point."

During dinner, Sarah dominated the conversation as usual. Having been unable to tell Suzanne about her high school friend's upcoming wedding, her mother took extra time to go over every detail. Finally the other shoe that Suzanne knew was hanging there dropped.

"And now, I am the only mother of the girls you were with in Kindergarten whose daughter hasn't gotten married," her mother said looking over at her husband.

The spark of resentment that was always there flamed higher. "Yeah, one of them twice, and three who have been divorced. Great record my class has going there," Suzanne snapped.

"Suzanne, don't speak disrespectfully to your mother," her father firmly said.

"It's true," Suzanne replied.

"I'm not saying it isn't, but make your point politely. I am sure you don't jump down people's throats at work," he told her, still in that stern tone.

"Fine. All I'm saying, Mom, is that getting married isn't the end game. Finding the right person is. If I find the right one, then I can think about getting married," Suzanne said looking at her mom. She missed the slight narrowing of her father's eyes.

"I know you are right about some of the girls. They didn't chose very well," Sarah said, clicking her tongue. "That reminds me. You said you have a date tomorrow. Tell me about him."

"Oh, not much to tell yet. A friend at work suggested a blind date. I don't know very much about him yet. She told me he works at Microsoft, I think, or maybe one of the companies working with them. We are meeting tomorrow for brunch. I'll have more to tell after that," Suzanne told her. On the way up, she had gone over her story. Suzanne smiled a little to herself. It was almost true too. Colby had suggested a blind date, his profession, and that there wouldn't be anything else to say until it didn't happen.

After dinner, her mother insisted on cleaning up. Her father wanted to show her his new fishing flies. It had been something he shared with David. Since his death, Suzanne had filled in as a surrogate. She hated fishing, but she could at least admire the artistry of the flies.

As her dad was putting the flies away, he looked over at her. "I noticed you said find the right person, not the right man," he said with a carefully neutral voice. "No reason for that, is there?"

The resentment flared up one again. "Damn it Dad, no. There is no reason. In my work, we avoid use of gender specific words when we can. I am used to saying person. That's all there is." She couldn't help the glare she gave him.

"Okay," he said in that same voice. "And by the way, watch your language in this house, young lady." He smiled a little as he said that.

Suzanne couldn't bring herself to smile back. She just looked at him.

"You look a little thinner, Sweetie. Are you doing alright?" Her father asked her.

"I'm the same as ever," she answered. It wasn't a reassuring answer but she didn't feel like saying much more.

"You know that I'm really proud of all your success. You've accomplished a lot for someone your age. I just hope you are happy too," he told her.

Colby suddenly popped into Suzanne's head. She thought about the freedom Colby had, with her mother's support. She remembered how Colby said that she was hoping to have fun on her date, knowing that Suzanne would catch her meaning. Suzanne accepted giving up those things to keep her parents happy. She maintained her faithfulness to an unfair promise at the expense of her own happiness. The flame of resentment burst into a blaze.

"No Daddy, I'm not happy. Remember, I promised you that I wouldn't be 'happy' anymore. And I haven't been. I've kept my promise. You have what you wanted, but don't ask me that again," Suzanne said. Her face was a combination of a snarl and stricken. "If I feel, I don't act on it. That's all I promised too."