All Comments on 'Hunger Within Ch.02'

You are fucking retarded, yo write one fucking story at a time dumbass

the first one was a little confusing goin back and forth but i got it by the end of this one, im pretty curious how its going to turn out

Thanks for the feed back guys. I do need an editor with school and work i don't have enough time to edit like i need to and as this is a thing i do for fun it just comes to me n i type it i haven't focused on that i'm a newbie at this so bare with me while i work through the kinks feel free to leave suggestions as to what you like and think needs more work in the story line and i will try and improve it thanks again.

I agree with the second comment, you need an editor to help with punctuation and structure of your story. It gets confusing switching between the characters in the way you are, but interesting start.

add some commas or restructure your sentences to make them more readable. It's very confusing.

I like the story, but i think it needs some work in how you present it. I personally feel that the background and buildup around the 2 couples is a bit lacking, i like a bit more "flesh" to the story so to speak. Also the rapid shifts back and forth between the 2 makes the story feel so... stilted. I would have made the individual parts longer so you can get a good feel for one storyline before the next comes, if you get what i mean.

Just my 2 cents.