Jimmy Palin You Asshole

Terry stared at Jimmy thoughtfully.

"What?"

"I'm thinking at your age young man in this situation I would have had the brains to suggest that to the asshole frustrating my ambition. It's early days Jimmy but for the first time I'm telling a new recruit, "I think you've got it."

"I know I have, I've sold lots of cars."

"That's what your references said Jimmy but the reality is those vehicles were mainly racing towards their use-by date. I'm talking about you being in the premier edge, selling the very big ticket items in the sixty thousand and upwards bracket and even winning fleet sales from our competitors."

Jimmy scratched behind his left ear. "So you think I'm the new you?"

"My mind is open to that but first let's see how you go. I'll send you home with a CD of our range and company laptop and company phone. The cost of those comes off your first month's check but those amounts are credited back to you on the day you have been with us for one year."

"I want the phone of my choice – working cars and people is all about talking to people on a phone when not in the yard or showroom."

"Okay asshole. I might have known you'd play tough. I suppose you want an office overlooking the courtyard?"

"Fuck the office Terry. Space in the storeroom will do me. I sell cars in the showroom, in a bar or calling on people at home. If you don't see me in the showroom you'll know I'll be around here somewhere probably fucking your wife or daughter in the storeroom."

"That's not funny Jimmy."

"Oh come on Terry, you know I was kidding."

"My daughter Dion is also a new-start salesperson here."

"Christ Terry, I'm sorry, I had no intention of making a crude remark about your daughter but I guess about your wife is okay, isn't it?"

"I suppose so."

"In that case I apologize for being crude about your wife."

"Family is family Jimmy but I guess being kicked out of your home you are not too big on family?"

"Yeah, so Vicki told you about me leaving home."

"Yeah. You just fuck her daughters Jimmy. Try out on Victoria and I'll wring your fucking scrawny neck."

They grinned.

Victoria arrived in Jimmy's room soon after she heard him drive up. She closed the door.

"So my little word in the right ear has worked out for you?"

"Yeah thanks. Give me a month at the yard you can increase my board."

"No but you can pay thirty bucks a week directly into the kitchen account. You are picky about your food and so are expensive to keep."

"Fine. Remind me to arrange the transfer in a month in case I forget."

Patting the sides of her attractive dyed blonde hair, Victoria said, "Did Terry have anything nice to say about me?"

"Yeah, he said of his three broads, you fuck the best."

The sound of a landing jet airliner filled Jimmy's ears and pain split across his head as he fell to the ground.

"What the hell?"

This time he went back two paces as Victoria whacked him across the nose.

"Oh dammit, you've hurt my hand," she wailed.

"Sorry," Jimmy said, attending to his bleeding nose with his handkerchief.

"Oh Jimmy, darling. I'm so sorry. Oh what a bully of a woman I am. Rest on the bed and I'll fetch ice."

By the time the ice pack was in place, Victoria had lost her remorse. "You jerk, if you even speak so despicably about my relationship with you know who again I'll scratch your eyes out."

"Yeah, yeah," Jimmy said, his voice muffled. "This is a fucking hard way of finding out you don't like being teased."

Victoria grinned and kissed above the icepack.

Veronica came in and took in the situation. "Oh god, what happened?"

"I hit..."

"Vicki hit me with this icepack to stop a nose bleed," mumbled Jimmy. "I walked into the side of the bathroom doorway."

"Oh is that all? Did you steal the Lexus in the driveway?"

"No it goes with my new job. I signed on this afternoon as a new car salesman with Gold Star Motors."

"Oh congratulations and you'll meet one of my girlfriends who is a new car salesperson. Her name is Dion King or have you already met her – a blonde with a figure to die for?

Victoria and Jimmy stared at Veronica, mouths open.

Later Victoria told Jimmy that disclosure had surprised her. She knew of course about Dion but the last time Terry had mentioned her she was still at college.

"Well considering what you two do there wouldn't be much incentive to talk about families, would there?" Jimmy said, poised to duck.

Victoria smiled and winked at him.

* * *

Jimmy couldn't believe it when he tailed Terry closing into a couple looking at an $88,500 Lexus when Terry kicked the back tire and said, "Hi folk, Sunday afternoon is a great time to buy a new car when the salesman has been to church and had lunch, leaving him in a mellow mood."

Jimmy thought it unbelievable that Terry had kicked the tire like a brainless yahoo with no intention of buying. But the spiel certainly was good, suggesting Terry was the man.

The couple promised to come back tomorrow after studying the brochure.

"Is that likely?" Terry asked as they watched the couple turn out of the lot. Terry muttered no and turned away but Jimmy saw the couple get into a two-year old Lexus.

"Very likely. They drive Lexus."

Terry looked to confirm that. "Jesus, I didn't ask what they drive, did I? I must be slipping."

"Give them a call."

"You heard them, they declined to give their phone number."

"Well possibly I can help you out there," Jimmy said. "They turned into our entranceway to back out and head off in the direction where they'd come from. Blow up this low-rez imagine on your computer from my cell phone camera and you may find their vehicle registration is discernable. With luck, they probably get their vehicle serviced here and/or purchased it from here."

"For a twenty-two-year old you're fucking sharp Jimmy. I don't know much about new technology."

"What you call new technology we geeks call old technology," replied Terry's under study. "I'll download the image and blow it up larger for you."

As they locked up for the night Terry said Jimmy could start at 9:00 next morning as the MVDA's regional training officer would be taking the third of six training sessions for new inductees, with emphasis on finance, the road readiness of new vehicles and closing a sale. You have had formal training, I take it?"

"No. Just one-on-one like with you yesterday."

"God, I must be losing it. Well you attend every session we sponsor, do you hear?"

"Okay you flush when you get excited Terry."

"You cheeky young pup. I..."

"Women don't like it. They read it as a sign of possible future heart attack."

"Huh?"

And so Jimmy began one-on-one tuition with Terry on what he understood about women.

CHAPTER 2

Jimmy introduced himself to Andrea the trainer and gave her a note from Terry and introduced himself to the other three new sales people. A tall blonde entered and glared at Jimmy.

"You're in my seat."

Ah he was being put in his place, thought Jimmy. Well perhaps. "What's your name honey?"

"Miss King."

"There wasn't no reservation tag on this chair for a Miss King or for anyone else for that matter. Now sit down and behave. You're holding up our class."

"No you get out of my chair."

"Fuck off blondie, you're boring."

"Please you two, enough of this," said Andrea. "It's disrupting my class that should have started three minutes ago. We are here to learn the finer points of selling vehicles. Dealing with personal abuse will be covered in a later session. Take your seat please Dion.

"No, I want that seat."

"Well take this seat you spoilt young woman," Jimmy said. He stood and said 'Ooops' as he twisted the metal-frame chair into an unusable piece of furniture.

"Thank god that's over, Andrea said.

"Dion you sit in the front, Jimmy you fetch another chair and sit well away from Dion."

During that session Dion demonstrated her superior knowledge to the class about some of the legalities involved in selling a vehicle and she knew ever question concerning loan finance put to her.

Andrea revealed that Dion had recently graduated with a master's in business administration and everyone including 'asshole' clapped and the smiling boss's daughter noticed that.

After morning tea they went out with clipboard and were asked to identify the twelve things wrong with the demonstrator vehicle as if it were prepared for immediate delivery for its new owner. They were given fifteen minutes to inspect the vehicle thoroughly.

When asked how many defects had they recorded, John and Dion had found five, Archie had noted six, Jimmy drew laughter when he reported fourteen and Andrea said 'Very funny Jimmy'. Dion said caustically, "There's always one clown in every class." The asshole winked at her and she immediately lost a little of her hostility and looked less certain. Frank said proudly he'd detected nine irregularities.

"Dion I'm surprised at your fountain of theoretical knowledge that you perform low on observation skills."

"She's been locked in an academic environment for four years Andrea. Don't you think you should give her a break?"

Dion turned round to give Jimmy and incredulous look and Andrea smiled and said quite right Jimmy.

Dion reported finding: Dashboard panel reports left-hand rear brake light bulb faulty; cigarette butt in ashtray; water drops apparent on rooftop; front seat left adjusted for a long-legged driver instead of normal legged driver; rear seat belts not clipped in to lie neatly; petrol tank quarter full instead of half-full as required by company policy.

"Excellent Dion," said Andrea. "Mostly cosmetic but nevertheless important points."

"But there was a counting error; I made that six items," Jimmy said.

Dion counted and said, "God he's right. Sorry and thanks Jimmy."

"Well Jimmy, since you have the mythical fourteen points, please proceed to defy the experts who prepared our vehicle for this test."

"Right Andrea. "The windscreen washer mix has too much solution to water; there's a stone chip on the driver's door, bottom left looking at the door; the headlights' adjustment at hi-beam has them up too high; the radio has not been set to strongest stations."

"Very good Jimmy. You and Dion had identified the full list. Which one did you miss Frank?"

"That car radio settings."

"Well for your information only about one in 150 inductees we put through this test gets that one. And now for your mythological faults Jimmy."

"Thank you for the opportunity to demonstrate the difference between attempting to check carefully and to check meticulously Andrea. I'm not attempting to demonstrate any superiority here, just to show how a meticulous coach I had in my previous job succeeded in instilling his experience into me. First, there's an oil leak, a tiny drip but it's there; it could be the engine oil was either over-filled or topped up messily. I may have detected under the vehicle the only oil drip there is likely to be. Or else a seal really is leaking. Second, the front passenger vanity mirror is missing. I could find no evidence it was ever fitted. Third, the wrong owner's manual is in the glove box. It's the one for the diesel all-wheel drive model. Fourth there is a tiny stone chip right where a driver of my height looks through the windscreen. That's all apart from saying John even with a score of five, you may have delivered this vehicle to the new owner with possibly fewer defects than most new owners discover after delivery."

"Thank you Jimmy. I can't believe we all missed that stone chip. No matter how small it is it must be attended to. The wrong manual, I think that happens at every dealership every now and again. The oil leak, well there is uncertainty that it is a leak and will have to be investigated. But the missing vanity mirror – that discovery took me completely by surprise. It's on every factory progress installation checklist, factory pre-delivery check list and dealer delivery check list and dealer buyer pre-delivery list. This has to be one in a million fuck-up... er did I say slip up?"

The class and tutor clapped Jimmy and grinned, "I promise I didn't remove the mirror.

As Jimmy went out to find the sales manager Dion fell into step beside him.

"I have a big apology to make," she began.

"It's okay. You've spoken to Veronica and what she told you about me has shocked me and you simply wanted to made sure I knew you were out of bounds."

"W-well yes. I'd come in thinking you'd look like a pig since you seem to act like one, having multiple sex partners but surprisingly you look rather, er, good."

"Er yes, the Street girls have been extremely accommodating but I must say, never more than one at the time."

Dion had 'forgive me' in her eyes when she choked, "Ohmigod, that's my fault. I misinterpreted what Veronica was saying."

"But does it matter? I still have sex with practically any female who wants to bed me."

"No, that's not as bad, nothing like it."

"What say you were told I'd done it with my sister, but only the once."

"Oh god."

"And my mother."

"Ohmigod... no!"

"No, and rightly so. Not with my mother."

"By why with your sister?"

"She was down after splitting up with her live-in boyfriend and had come home despondent. It was Saturday morning, the house was quiet and she wandered into my bedroom to find me in bed reading. And she came at me, not really begging, just in need."

"Oh, your poor sister. I can understand her moment of need."

"Yeah, I feel like that every day."

"God you men," Dion laughed with a suggestion of disapproval. "Is my apology accepted?"

Jimmy stopped. "If you kiss me."

"What, here in the open where everyone can see us?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

Dion sighed and said, "Veronica said you were something." She kissed Jimmy, a little hurriedly.

"Yes, apology accepted. When do we date? I have no commitment with any of the Street sisters."

"Friday night would be fine. God I can't believe I'm doing this."

"Why's that?"

"Mom suspects daddy is having an affair with Mrs Street."

"You have to be joking," Jimmy laughed attempting to avoid real deception. "Wouldn't you think a gynecologist gives his wife expert attention at a level carnally she'd not receive anywhere else?"

"Well I thought that but mommy thinks for a gynecologist it must be like looking for anything that is wrong with it rather than being dedicated to pleasuring it."

"Well that may be so but if your mom suspects your father could be looking elsewhere have you asked has she seen herself as the problem?"

"What?"

"Has she attempted to analyze why would your father look for a good fuck elsewhere?"

"God Jimmy you're crude but you certainly have made your point. It's something I must discuss with mother at an opportune moment."

Driving home that evening Jimmy was thinking he now had women problems. After being in his bed twice, both Mia and Charlotte had gone off him but not Veronica who was practically attacking him sexually. She'd had even caught him in the hallway on one occasion as he arrived home and sucked him off while her mother and two sisters were only yards away in the kitchen chatting. She was such a hottie but now he had her friend Dion in his sights. The problem was Dion would be no pushover. A rush of blood to the head left a huge image of a hairless pussy in his mind that he assumed was Dion's and he almost ran into the rear of a gas tanker slowing for a turning vehicle.

The women trouble began as soon as he entered the house. Veronica was lurking in the hallways but not for fellatio. "You sleaze-pit, Dion called and said you are dating her Friday."

"Well yes."

"You've never dated me despite me lavishing my talents on you."

"Well no."

"Well?"

"There's nothing I can say."

"Men!" Veronica snarled savagely and went through into the kitchen, slamming the door behind her. Jimmy really regretted that. As she went through the door, face flaming and lips curled back he'd had such a strong desire to shaft her.

Victoria came out, saw him and shook her head. "You have made Veronica very unhappy."

"He nodded. I accept I'm behaving badly."

Victoria said he'd disappointed her. She'd thought from the first time they'd met he knew how to treat women.

"I-I wanted that room."

Victoria sighed. "You deceptive asshole."

"Sorry. I believe no men know how to treat women as women wish to be treated. It's part of the mystery of the universe."

"Oh yeah? Well actually that sounds plausible. Well at least Terry thinks well of you."

"Men are easy to impress."

Victoria smiled and said, "True, you have quite a way with you Jimmy Palin you asshole. I presume you are aware Veronica is a lovely young woman and her beautiful friend Dion is a total bitch."

"It sticks out a mile," he said, and noticed Victoria look at his crotch.

Jimmy was helping Mia with the dishes after dinner when Veronica entered the kitchen. He positioned defensively between Veronica and the knife block. Then she surprised him as Mia left to do homework.

"Want to go for a walk down to the river?"

"What a wonderful suggestion; it's a lovely warm and still evening," he said, wondering if the plan was to stove in his head with a rock. Well he went with Veronica, thinking he deserved retribution for having treated her badly although still rather unsure what he'd done that had riled her and resulted in Victoria chastising him. Why can't women accept that it's just like going into a dress shop at an end of summer sale, sex can become very competitive?

They lay on the grassy riverbank, well clear of rocks and fallen branch ends that could be a very useful makeshift club. Jimmy had picked the clearest of sites for Veronica to spill her heart out to him and them attempt to strangle him.

But no, it wasn't at all like that.

"Have your way with me Jimmy."

He sighed thinking she read too many of those romance novels from the Twenties and Thirties. The way she wanted would be her way.

But no, it wasn't at all like that.

They had a great sixty-nine and then a robust missionary. While they rested Veronica said, "Jimmy?"

God, that subservience in her voice; she was about to tell him she was pregnant.

"You know I have Mike and Rogan hanging around me at the office?"

"Yes, you have mentioned them, more than once."

"Well sex with you is far better than with either of them and Mr Whittaker, my department manager. I'd be so grateful if you would continue shafting me while you are attempting to break down the resistance of Dion King."

"If it is to be tough going I might not bother."

"You will. At college she earned the name as the most under-fucked female on campus although it was known she gave it to some guy every six weeks or so when feeling compelled to made union."

"In that case for me Dion is history."

"She feels drawn to you Jimmy and doesn't understand why. So why you are attempting the break-through could you continue giving me my nightly fill?"

Jimmy gulped, the perfect solution was being presented to him.

"I'd be delighted to meet your request darling Veronica. Um...?"

"No mention or even suggestion will be made that you are continuing to shaft me."

They returned home in a tight hug, happy and exhausted. The house was in darkness and that suited them fine because their clothes soiled with sweat, dried liquids and grass stains. They made an ugly sight.

* * *

Jimmy dozed through a movie about women being clueless about sex that Dion found to be hilarious and then took her to a cheap restaurant in retaliation by lying and saying he wouldn't get his first check for another three weeks.

"You've sold five vehicle while Frank and I have only sold one."

"I have the drop on your two sweetie, your father is coaching me."