All Comments on 'June Gets Even: Fallout Ch. 03'

I am looking for feedback.

you really need an editor. "Twin peeks"? "Sleep on the coach"? You don't even realize what your mistakes are. An editor would be a tremendous help... and keep writing!

Overall I liked your take on this. It's nice to see believable consequences. As another commenter said the typos were distracting coach/couch was the most glaring, but in reading I also broke stride when you wrote plutonic instead of platonic.---- Still, much of the story felt detached. Think about the original story where there was so much hate and bile just at the surface. We got a taste that nasty revenge sex was still going on between Ralph and June, but based on the story it seemed the sex was more like something that was done to fill the time between that half hour after dinner when they were digesting their meals. In your story June is in denial (a good take, I think). As long as she in denial she would have to go to greater and greater lengths to maintain this state of disbelief. In other words she would be getting angrier at Jerry as long as he didn't come back home to grovel, she would be looking to cuckold/belittle him in even a bigger way. She could even fluctuate between anger and regret. You did this, but it felt muted. I wanted to see bigger anger and bigger regret. Divorces are ugly in the easiest cases, in this forget about it. Also the romance between Mary and Jerry had a bit too much of smooth sailing... if I was doing it I think I would have had them supporting each other, but still uncomfortable, them getting together a couple of times right before the divorce, and then Mary accidentally getting pregnant, this precipitating a marriage that ultimately, over time, goes smoothly, but really was forced on them by cicrcumstances (Of course that's my take and not your story).--- The other thing that struck me was that Jerry and Mary seemed stupid because in reading this it seemed like June or Ralph were pots ready to boil over, as in grabbing a gun and going nuts shooting the "traitorous lovers."

The prose needs work. There are numerous misused words, misspellings and grammatical errors that make the story hard to read. Language is your tool. Do you want it to be a hand drill or a power drill?

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There are stylistic problems too. While it might seem erotic, a man "exploding into her pussy" can be an unfortunate mental image. Those are the last things you want in storytelling, erotic or otherwise.

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The plot is overblown, and the scene with the attorneys is not credible. Any resemblance to a real courtroom is purely accidental. Any judge who ruled as that one did would be removed from the bench and disbarred. If you're going to write believably about the legal system, do your homework. Most aspiring authors avoid courtroom scenes because they're not easy. You should too.

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The story's pacing is uneven. Some scenes are too long, others are too short. I want the author to craft smooth transitions in the story, not yank me along by the nose from one vignette to the next. The writing has to be so good that I as the reader want to push ahead as fast as possible so I can find out what happens next. That's narrative drive, and it's not easy to achieve. Good storytelling enraptures us, and rivets us to our chairs because there's no place else we'd rather be than right here reading this story. It's easy to say, hard to do. Great authors manage it. It's why they're great.

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Keep writing. It's the best way I know to get better.

...but I did like your direction of the story. As the other reviewers pointed our the story needs some corrections and editing. I do look for more stories from you and thank you for your time.

Except for your grammar, as others pointed out, I really enjoyed your story. Given June's and Ralph's vindictive personalities I kept expecting more extreme treachery to attempt to break-up Mary and Jerry. You did a nice job with June's character. I was feeling sorry for her at the end. Actually, there are a lot of people out there that don't have a clue as to how much emotional damage their behavior causes. I also liked the "strong silent type" personality you gave Jerry. So many people mistake that type of person as shy, introverted or afraid when in reality they usually just observe others and speak when they have something worth while to say and then stick by it. Again, I really enjoyed your story. MORE PLEASE

I like stories on this site that develop characters and have a plot, as well as sex. Others have given some pointers as to the mechanics of writing, and I won't repeat them except to say that like anything else, the more you do it the better you get. Thank you for posting.

I liked the story but you made every effort to excuse what jerry and mary did as being a nothing thing.Also you made ralph and june look like fools, what they done was wrong but after that you had them doing everything wrong,they were married to the other two so when did they become so dumb and the other couple so smart and rightous.

I think that this one is more realistic than alot of the other stories. The Ties that Bind is very good also.

Keep them cumming...

Thank you was very very good. Loved it from start to finish. THANK you

Great... It became obvious from the beginning that June did not really love her husband to do that to him before confronting him for an explanation. You finished up by laying out that she had ignored and treated him badly for months prior to the affair. She finally admitted she had turned completely to her work so as to compete with him and his success. You finished with the fact that she "Was" not only competing but wanted to "Destroy" him as a man and then have him come back begging for forgiveness. I have a wife that tried to compete with me as well and failed. I ended up having to support her failure by picking up the pieces after she got into legal trouble. So, I know what can happen when a wife falls out of love somewhat and turns towards trying to compete with her mate... We survived out of her necessity and my unwillingness to give her up even though I should have. Of course, she never did the horrible things June did. My wife was much more subtle and not as vicious with her disrespect. More passive-aggressive I would guess...that being because I am very strong-minded yet forgiving in my outlook on life. The other characters (Ralph and Mary)complimented June and Jerry. Your story was very neat and nice in its flow. Thank You. It was realistic for me anyway!

Like the Story the last Chapter was the best. Both June and Ralph got what they Deserved NOTHING. not even each other June is Teaching but will she ever have Children of her own Very Doubtful. but who knows and who cares if she does it will be with Someone she will know is Second best at Best.

Well written, maybe a few spelling errors that proofreading several times could have been caught,but otherwise a good read. Entertaining. ML

I would rate this totally differently if it were tied in to the original story by the author - it says it is an alternate ending but required a complete rebuild of the primary story line - none of the alleged difficulty in the original ever happened and using revised history to justify the new ending is unsupportable.

It is total nonsense to think that the primary antagonists who started the whole thing with lies, deception, betrayal of trust, abuse of the relationships can possibly be portrayed as the innocents here without ignoring the primary story OR simply making this a new independent story line.

The object lesson that was used is sever but not nearly as abusive as portrayed - if a guy thinks he can cheat with impunity kick his ass - that works, leave him flat and take him for everything he has - that works, ignore the behavior and know it will continue - that works if you are a doorstop. Same thing for a cheating woman as stated in the original trust is essential betray it at your peril!

Steve

his is a fucking moron, Mary and Jerry cheated, and they where guilty and sorry for having done so. Mary almost died from her losing the baby. June and Ralph didnt have the cause to get so carried away and do what they did. June or Ralph hadn't given a damn about either of the spouses. Also June and Ralph just kept on fucking and didn't care who knew. So they got what they deserved. Mary and Jerry didn't hurt them, tie them up, hire a hit man. Nope they just divorced them. So for tavadelphin, who is no doubt a self proclaimed cuckold. Fuck him and kept writing.....20 stars.

or fetch a stick or something. You don't belong on this site.

lets see, as soon as one thinks its even the other doesnt concur. TK U MLJ LV NV

it's amazing that there are so many anon pussies make comment but life goes on. the last anon statement could only come from a happy homo so i wont respond to it.

he took a spoon to the Superbowl

Too long a story! I also think you need proper proof reading and editing. Confusing couch with coach does not do it and "smashed potatoes" is really a scream.

This is what happens when you take things too far. June wanted to show Jerry and Ralph wanted to show Mary. They showed so much they drove them into each others arms. Revenge sex never works out especially when you want the marriage to survive. I can't say it was a happy ending. All the spouses involved were decent people. Things were just settled the wrong way and as the expression goes, "Ye reap what ye sow."

DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE

CONSEQUENCES ABOUND

Some more than others.

that was a good and slow btb with a little real love in it. 5x5x5

You wrapped everything up nicely, but you dragged it out too much. A lot of fluff and air bubbles in the mix.

I'm not a fan of unhappy endings. June was a dumbass but she could've been redeemed with some counseling. Jerry and June should've sought marriage come counseling at the discovery of Jerry's affair. June took matters into her own hands and completely torched their lives as a couple. Jerry and Mary should never ended up together as a happily marrtied couple. The story rewarded the villains and the victims were punished. I am not a fan of unhappy endings in spite of how well written the story is. I gave 3 stars.

Story was way too long and straddled the inevitable point. The story warranted a five score due to the author's ruthless attempt at total exposure. The couple could've avoided their relationship demise by counseling prior to June's ambush. June's revenge was a case of self-implosion. The was very clear in description and emotion but overstated his point.

it ended, the hateful ambush happened, and Mary was a reconstructed virgin again? Then there were the meetings with the attorneys, no judge would order them to return and live together (both pairs divorcing in separate houses but not with their respective spouse), and the counselors, just as un realistic. Sorry but the timeline was equally flawed. As others have said, you needed a better editor.

This story is 6 years old and there has been nothing written since then. Thank goodness. If the story was edited by someone it is beyond me to understand how the author would allow it to be shown on Literotica. And it is beyond me to see how the current comments could miss this. I gave it a 2 and thought I was being generous! Given the lapse of 6 years it seems unlikely we will see more of kellyhockey. If we do, I certainly hope there have been courses in English grammar, spelling, story telling, and vocabulary taken in the interim.

It started out better than the previous chapters, until this line . . .

"If and when we make love." The whole reconstruction of her hymen came after the miscarriage. The affair didn't start until after he consoled her for the miscarriage. Something doesn't add up. How can she be a virgin?

who ever thought life is not returned. TK U MLJ LV NV

yuk can't strt and finish original tale of his own.

probably admiring the ribbons and other military memorabilia he bought at the pawn shop. can't be trusted

1 star

I can only hope this author meant for this to be a comedy. It certainly doesn't lack for comedic elements. The story is ludicrous. The characters are not believable by any stretch of the imagination. There are many loose ends.

Apparently "lose" is/was a favorite word of this author, but unfortunately it was misspelled multiple times. Verb tenses were often incorrect. Not a good story at all.

I kept asking myself why none of them seemed to have to work though this whole period of time.

Get an editor ! 1* .

where are you guys from, cuckolders union 1-800-whineee...fuck you morons

I liked your story. The only thing that confused me was when you said that Jerry slept on the coach, you didn't specify if it was the basketball coach, or the football coach.

prone to start dissension with no ability to finish or clear up. TK U MLJ LV NV

Well first of all no one, and I mean no one, mentioned that Mary was pregnant in order for her to have a miscarriage. There was also no mention of Mary and Jerry having an affair except for what they were falsely accused of by June, a vindictive whore who just wanted to fuck Ralph. There was also no explanation of how or even why Jerry had saved Mary's life. What....... you just thought to just throw that in the story as what, a filler ? But other than all that it was a pretty good story.

The dialogue is stilted and reads like it was written by a 14 year old. The content was ok. I gave it a 3.

Did I read the wrong "original"? I was under the impression Jerry's affair never happened

Seriously, Jerry cheats serially on his wife blaming a bad stretch of marriage, then clai ms he nearly suicided like a pussy over it? Mary cheats on her husband without talking to him or divorcing him over his attitufe? In any other story that little whore would be getting BTB for hypocrisy as well as cheating.

June and Ralph are just cartoon cunts.

The counselor defies belief. Nobody blames a cheating victim except feminist douchebags, much less demand she forguve him for serially cheating, without the possibility of divor c e. That guy is every cheating sluts fantasy.

One star fir making your characters into trailer trash.

even his ex wife told me he is a fag who sucks black cocks. gave this a 5

The author should have written this chapter in one page. The rest was simply beating a dead horse.

when you do something to harm your marriage, TK U MLJ LV NV

One interesting thing - when HIS job interfered with their time together, Jerry re-scheduled his work.

When HER work started dominating their life, June couldn't give a shit.

Thanks for your efforts. I enjoyed this version better than the others. Thanks!

I've read this story over a hundred times and I still love it. No matter how many times I've read it, Junes delusion still shocks me. Especially the " I have forgiven jerrys affair" bullshit... Jeez! this chick was so delusional. It must've been all that cum Ralph was depositing..

another cocksucking WIMP posting dumb cuck SHIT.

After reading his comment, I agree that anonymous 09/25/17 is a stupid cuckold because he didn't like this story. I thought this story was much better than the original version.

Life goes on.... as it should.

I hope to read more from you... thanks

So.

Whay did Ralph and Mary get a 40-60 split while Jerry and June get a 50-50?

As far as the revenge issue, June was the admitted planner and instigator.

Oh, I get it. This is your small dig at the current injustice of divorce settlements forced on us by activist judges.

Femists used to want equality. Now they want revenge. I beleive in equality but not revenge for something I had no hand in.

. . . that was awful. What a drag.

why should cheaters get to be happy while the ones they cheated on are miserable

As this story is another - maybe more realistic but also sad - ending for the original story, there are some points unclear:

- Here it es a miscarriage mentioned, that i didn't read in any other version. It would have been interesting, what this is about. How did Jerry save Marys life?

- Also this miscarriage took place weeks or month before the assault by Ralph and June. Furthermore there is a operation mentioned, where the maidenhood of Mary was restored. But when there was an affair between Mary and Jerry between miscarriage and the assaulkt, how is she still a vergin after the assault?

But thank for an alternative ending.

Good story

Written a while ago, but one of the best written on this site.

Not sure about this one. It has the bones of a good story, but was so stilted as to be almost unreadable.

The counter-BTB lol.The cheating bitch and bastard were over punished and ended up together.

I wonder if the birds started singing and the gray skies opened up and music started playing and beautiful light shone upon Mary and Jerry as they walked along. But then everything went silent and the sky clouded up and a funeral dirge started up when June and Ralph showed up.

The cheaters actually came out on top!

I'm envious. I've never experienced "plutonic" love in my life. I can believe, what you learn every day in this site! Thanks for the story and keep writing.

No one to like in this morass of cheating and revenge. Pity that Jerry and Mary had a child. The world would have been better off without those genes being propagated.

Sick.

Well, I hate to be stick in the mud but, yes but, you must have your work edited. A proofreader would have made a much better read. This piece has a great story line, and your readers loved it, but to many missing words, misspelled words, wrong usage of words can all be corrected if you let someone else proof it for you. Since I don't know if you are male or female; so I will behave, and not rant further. It flowed well. Good job. Keep writing, and get a proofreader!

XYZ

Fairly well written and the bones of a good tale but June and Ralph were just too self delusional to be credible and, although I'm a sucker for a happy ending, the Jerry Mary hook up was a little too convenient and sugary for my taste. Although the more romantically inclined may disagree.

LA

Man, in parts that dialogue is cringey. Decent enough effort above average, but the dialogue....

weird but had some interesting parts or thoughts. June is truly stupid.

I'd have to say that June is seriously fucked up in the head and has severe anger issues that cause her to react in very destructive ways, often to her own detriment. How can you want your husband back and be fucking some other guy the whole time and say shit like "when I'm done fucking him, we can have a marriage and love life again"? She is beyond delusional and it's clear she cares only for herself. Now given that she had a good marriage for a long time, presumably Jerry's affair affected her very deeply and I guess you could say fractured her mentally. Now she's just a vengeful selfish bitch that's out of touch with reality. Such a shame. That being said, if she could be triggered like that, she was a time bomb waiting to go off so it's for the best that Jerry moved on and ended up with someone more stable.

The thing about this story that surprises me most is how it made me hate the person that was cheated. Normally I'd sympathize with the person that was cheated on and want them to have their vengeance and what not. But June took it way too far and ended up becoming "the bad guy" IMO. If she wanted to fight for her marriage, she shouldn't have went with a stupid, cruel revenge sex ploy. And her actions afterward were the opposite of what a repentant spouse's would be. She was living with Ralph and still fucking him constantly all the while trying to get Jerry back. I mean really, what world is she living in? It was rather laughable really.

Plutonic? Also pretty much every character in this story was reprehensible. But Ralph was a turd blossom. And June was completely delusional. A bazooka to take out a bug was right. Maybe a large bug, like a cockroach, but still.