No More Wasted Time

"You were the one who went off to college and slept with some slut the first week away!"

"What can I say? I was a stupid eighteen-year-old kid." I shook my head before adding, "Frankly, there are some days I dream about going back in time and kicking my dumb ass." That actually made her smile, if only briefly. I think the fact that she could tell it was true helped.

Maybe I should have stopped there, but I couldn't. If what we once had was going to rekindle the right way then we needed to finish talking this out.

"We'd been fighting all summer and it was my first time away from home. College was scary and I'd been drinking, a lot. Said 'slut' came on to me, for what it's worth, and we didn't go all the way." Jess looked ready to interject, but I stopped her. "I'm not saying I didn't cheat on you. I did, but I regretted it almost immediately. I told you right after it happened, hoping we could work it out, but instead, you dumped me."

"What did you expect? I was hurt and angry. It was my senior year of high school and I did not deserve it being ruined by my college boyfriend cheating on me!"

"No, you didn't," I agreed, swallowing and pausing to give her a chance to calm down. "You had every right to your feelings, but I was still in love with you. I hoped that after you'd calmed down you'd forgive me and we'd move on." I shook my head at the painful memory.

"I called you from college all semester, and this was back before cell phones. I had to use the hall phone, but nothing I said mattered. You refused to forgive me. It damn near destroyed me."

"It was no picnic for me, either," Jess retorted. "And remember, I was the one that was wronged."

"I understand," I blew out a breath too strong for it to be considered a sigh. "And honestly, I'm not trying to make excuses. I just want you to understand what happened from my viewpoint so that you can understand my decision." We both fell silent for a few moments. This time it was Jess who broke it.

"You still haven't explained how any of this was your mother's fault." Her voice was calmer now. I guess she hadn't been looking forward to reliving that memory any more than me. I also think that in her way, Jess was letting me know that our break up was in the past and that she'd forgiven me for the stupidity of my youth.

I was pretty sure Jess had done that a couple of years after we broke up. We'd bump into each other every once in a while, when we were home on break from college. We even talked for a while once or twice at some length, but we didn't get back together until after Jess graduated college. Jess had her life and friends at her school, and I had mine.

"Well?" Jess prompted. "What did your mother do? This should be good."

It was a fair question, but answering it would force me to expose something about myself to Jess that I wasn't particularly thrilled about. Oh, I'd thought about it, more times than I cared to remember, but that was different than admitting it out loud, especially to Jess.

"It wasn't what she did. It was what she didn't do." Okay, so my reply was a bit cryptic, but this was not going to be fun. "What's your viewpoint on what happened after that second date that ended badly? The one where you had something to do the next morning and I tried to convince you to stay late after agreeing to get you home earlier."

"You called me once and left a confusing message. I called you back, but you weren't home. I tried a few more times over the next couple of weeks, but you stopped returning my calls. It was like you disappeared altogether. Three months later I found out you were engaged."

That was about what I expected to hear. I shook my head, doing the whole 'what might have been' thing in my head. It took some effort to shake the melancholy thoughts and get back to the point of the conversation.

"Adrian and I dated for a year and a half. I'd already broken up with her twice by the time you and I bumped into each other that last time, but each time she took me back. She loved me that much." I hated talking about this almost as much as my cheating on Jess. "But that didn't stop me from breaking up with her a third time when I saw you that summer. I was still so desperately in love with you."

"So then why did you to run back to her after that second date and ask her to marry you?" It was a fair question, just not an easy one to answer.

"I was ready to settle down," I began, slowly easing into the end of my explanation. "I always wanted kids and a family."

"And I wasn't?"

"Yes, you were," I agreed, shaking my head at the memory. "It was obvious."

"Then what happened?" Jess was sitting with her back angled so that it was against the car door. Well, as much as her seat belt would allow, anyway. It felt like she was as trying to get as far away from me as she could, yet oddly, she hadn't tried to pull her hand away from mine again.

"Being with you those two dates brought back up all of my insecurities. Things I thought I'd gotten past during college." The look of confusion on her face demanded a better explanation. "Jess, you were always the popular one. I didn't begrudge you that. Honestly, I was never quite sure why you agreed to date me in the first place."

"As I remember it, I asked you to the Sadie Hawkins dance." That memory made me smile. A Sadie Hawkins dance, back in the day, was a dance where the girls got to ask the guys to go. Today, I guess they did that anytime they wanted, but back when I was young, it was a rarity.

"Fair point, but we were talking about my insecurities, not my luck." Jess didn't smile, but her eyes did, just a little. It was time to get this over with.

"So there we were, dating again and both ready to settle down. Only, you'd broken up with me five years earlier and refused to take me back until after we graduated college. I knew you wanted a family and kids just as much as I did. The problem was that I wasn't sure you still loved me."

"Pardon?"

"Jess, I was afraid you were settling for me," I finally admitted. "And my ego couldn't take it. As much as I loved you, I didn't want that kind of relationship. Hell, if I'm being honest, I didn't want to set myself up for that kind of heartbreak." I fell silent. What else could I say?

"So, you had a choice between Adrian, who loved you enough to forgive you breaking up with her three times, and me, who you thought might be settling for you."

"Exactly," I replied, thinking that just maybe, she understood. Unfortunately, she did.

"You jerk!" Jess snapped, finally pulling her hand free. Only, she did more than that. Jess actually punched me in the arm. I was stunned. It got even worse when she hauled off and did it a second time. Suddenly, it was all I could do not to laugh, but I knew that would be a huge mistake.

"Did something that happened so long ago really warrant two punches?" I was trying to lighten the mood. It so did not work.

"Yes!" she snapped, obviously still angry and thinking about hitting me again, but thankfully she didn't. My shoulder hurt, but I deserved that, and more. It was the fact that I was afraid she'd hurt her hand that made me glad she stopped herself. "One for being too stupid to realize how I felt about you."

"And the other?"

"The other," she repeated more calmly. "Well, that was for what you did to Adrian. She was never my favorite person, but she deserved better than that." That caused me to pause briefly.

"Yeah, I did to her exactly what I was afraid you were going to do to me. I settled." I shook my head before adding, "You know, I really did love her. I still do, but it was never the same as the way I felt about you. I came up with all kinds of rationalizations about that, but deep down I knew the truth."

Jess shifted back into her seat, her anger slowly diffusing. I decided the best thing I could do was give her time to absorb what I told her. We sat in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. I waited, but I couldn't resist reaching out and taking her hand again when she didn't say anything after about ten minutes. I was relieved when she let me.

We drove the rest of the way to her house like that. Somewhere in the middle, Jess put on music. It helped us relax, which I guess was something we both needed by that point.

I pulled in front of Jess's place after a little over an hour, but didn't turn off the car. I wasn't sure Jess would invite me in and I didn't want the night to end. I guess she didn't either, because she didn't try to leave.

"You still haven't explained what your mother had to do with all this."

I snorted when I realized Jess was right. I hadn't explained to her why, for a large part of my life, I blamed my mother for ruining it. The funny part, or maybe it was the sad part, was that despite Mom being gone for years, and the fact that I loved and missed my mother every day, this was the one thing that she did that still bothered me. I never could let it go.

"I was confused after our second date and Adrian and I were talking again." I shook my head at the memory. "Say what you want about her, but Adrian was a rock in her way, and her love was something I could rely on, especially when my insecurities surfaced. Add to that the fact that you never returned my call, and it brought me to a decision."

Jess started to object, but I squeezed her hand to let her know that I wanted to finish what I was saying before we talked about it.

"For some reason, I distinctly remember that fact being the thing that pushed me over the edge. I wasn't confident in your feeling for me and you hadn't called me. I'd broken up with Adrian and yet she was still there for me when I needed her. At the time, the choice seemed obvious, but there was a part of me that resisted."

"But not enough."

"No, not enough," I agreed with difficulty. "I always told myself that I'd made a choice to marry the girl who loved me unconditionally instead of the one that was settling for me. That's how I survived the bad times early on with Adrian, and oddly, it worked, mostly. Not painlessly, but it worked."

"What changed?" Jess was a smart woman.

"Adrian and I were married about ten years when I went to visit Mom and Dad by myself," I said, still remembering how it felt when the floor dropped out from under me. "I did that some weekends to get away from Adrian when we were fighting. I don't know how my parents and I got on the subject of my past girlfriends, but when you came up my mother, ever so nonchalantly, admitted to not telling me you called a couple of times after our last date."

"She didn't?" Jess asked, clearly stunned.

"Apparently, Mom remembered how hurt I'd been when you and I broke up in college and didn't want me to go through that again. She also knew Adrian and I were talking again." I waited patiently and watch Jess's expression as what I said began to sink in. It didn't take long for the expected eruption.

"I can't believe it. I liked your mother! How could she?" Jess was hurt. I got that. It was nothing compared to how I felt after I found out.

"I think Mom also liked you, in her way," I offered, before explaining. "But you and I fought all the time, and it was obvious to her how much Adrian loved me. What more could a mother want for her son?" We fell quiet for a few moments as she once again absorbed what I was saying. I spent the time dwelling in the past and reliving the moment. I was more than a little thankful when Jess finally broke the silence.

"Your mother never told you I called, and that caused you to doubt how I felt just enough to choose Adrian," Jess said, shaking her head in amazement. "You know, I think you're right. Your mother is to blame."

"Not really," I sighed, admitting the truth to her, and finally to myself. "Or at least, only partially. I could have called you again, and if I had, everything might have worked out differently, but I was afraid of the same thing that caused her not to tell me." She was listening, but Jess shook her head when I was done.

"No, it was definitely your mother's fault." I'm not sure why, but her insistence made me laugh. That's when an odd thought struck me. I continued to laugh, but it really wasn't funny.

"Well, if we're going to blame her for my choice, we have to give her credit for tonight."

"How do you figure?" Jess asked, clearly curious about what I was getting at.

"It was bad enough that Mom kept the fact that you called a secret, but then years later she told me. Do you have any idea what that did to me?" I could see the truth dawning on Jess, but I continued to explain anyway.

"After that, I couldn't find peace when Adrian and I had our issues. My great rationalization about me making a choice to pick the woman who loved me unconditionally versus someone who would have settled for me became nothing." I shook my head in frustration at all the wasted time.

"You had cared enough to call me back. It didn't necessarily mean we were meant to be together, but the thought was always there in the background eating away. If it hadn't, maybe I would still be married to Adrian."

"Not likely," Jess disagreed. "You weren't in love with her and you knew it. The only reason why it lasted as long as it did was Bethany." Jess sounded confident and when I thought about it, I realized that she was probably right. Only, I wasn't as sure of it as she was.

"It also may have also had something to do with the fact that by that point you were already married to Robbie. You were lost to me, so what difference did it make if I stayed or left?"

"Robbie, don't remind me!" Jess said, shaking her head. "That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He was a good guy, but in retrospect, I only married him because I wanted kids." We exchanged a look and I realized that she was telling me that I wasn't the only one who married for the wrong reasons.

"What happened?" I asked because I thought she might need to talk about it. I'd certainly done plenty of talking about Adrian.

"We waited to have kids for the few years so that we could save for a house. Robbie felt strongly about that and I couldn't argue with the logic," Jess replied, obviously reliving painful memories. I waited patiently for her to continue.

"And then when it finally came time to start trying, nothing." Her sadness hurt to see, but all I could do was squeeze her hand and offer what comfort I could. "We were just getting ready to go see a fertility doctor when it happened. Robbie met Christine." She paused and shook her head. "It was love at first sight and our marriage didn't stand a chance."

"I'm sorry." They were the only words that seemed to fit. She surprised me by smiling.

"It's okay," Jess replied, pulling free of the past. This time she squeezed my hand. "At least it led to this moment."

"Life can definitely be weird, can't it?" I asked with a shake of my head. She nodded in agreement.

"My only regret is not having any kids, but I made peace with that a long time ago."

"I wanted a bunch more, but Adrian refused. She got bad post-partum depression." I paused, remembering how tough her refusal to have any more kids was at the time.

There was one particular argument that came to mind. It was when I finally accepted that Bethany was going to be an only child. It wasn't just that my ex refused to have any more kids. Adrian was scared to death of going through pregnancy and the subsequent depression again. I figured that out when she burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably the last time we talked about it.

"You're lucky to have Bethany." Jess's words brought me back to the moment.

"Yes," I agreed easily. There was no point in reliving the whole 'what might have been' thing. I'd been there too many times to count, and it never ended up well. I wanted a big family growing up and was so certain I would get it one day. Unfortunately, life doesn't always go as planned. Still, Bethany was a gift I never stopped appreciating. "Yes, I am."

It was time to try and lighten the mood again. "You know, if things work out between us, we could always adopt." Jess surprised me again. She reacted far better than I expected.

"I think we're a little old for that," she laughed, but then added, "Not that I won't hold you to that offer if, by some miracle, it does work out between us." I think her words surprised her more than me because a moment later she added somewhat ruefully, "So much for having made peace with not having any kids."

I was fifty-one and Jess was fifty. Part of me insisted that was way too old to start a family all over again, but it struck me that if Jess really wanted to adopt, I'd do it. The crazy part was that despite our age, I could see us starting a family together.

Maybe it was just my younger self's dreams resurfacing from when I first fell in love with Jess, or maybe it was the thought of sharing a child with her, but what started out as an attempt at humor was suddenly no longer funny.

"You'd make a great mom." I guess the seriousness of my response brought her back to reality.

"We were talking about us and how it could possibly make sense for us to get back together after all these years. We were not talking about kids. It's way too soon for that conversation."

"If you say so."

"And we're way too old," Jess added, almost nervously.

"Agreed." I meant it, too, but she could see what I was really saying. I saw the momentary flash of recognition and something more. I could almost feel when some old dreams of hers, probably very similar to my own, reawakened. With it came hope, but also far too many painful memories.

Deep down, Jess knew I'd give her kids any way I could if that's what she truly wanted. The thought pleased her, but also scared her to death. I understood when Jess decided to change the subject.

"You explained why you stayed with Adrian after it was obvious that you didn't love her, but why didn't you contact me after your divorce?" It was a good question and not one easily answered so I stalled.

"You know, I actually did think about leaving Adrian when I heard about your divorce. Hell, I thought about it a lot, but there was Bethany, plus the fact that you and I hadn't talked to each other in almost fifteen years at the time. I wasn't sure if you'd be the same person or if you even thought about me anymore."

Jess nodded in understanding, obviously deep in thought. "Is that why didn't you try and get in touch after your divorce?" That was the reason, but not the full one.

"It's been over twenty-five years since we saw each other last. That's a lifetime. I mean, sure you liked me enough to call me back after our last date and that might have changed how things ended up, but it was so long ago. I can't say I didn't day-dream about the possibility, but to actually try and track you down? Do you have any idea how crazy it would have been for me to show up at your door out of the blue?"

"Almost as crazy as me showing up to your daughter's wedding." That pretty much took the wind out of any defense I could have offered.

"There is that," I admitted with an actual laugh that was mostly at myself. "But then again, you were always the brave one in our relationship."

"Not really," she replied, looking suddenly melancholy. "I've just always known what I wanted when it came to us." That hurt. It hurt more than I wanted to admit. "Plus, if I'm being completely honest, I don't think I would have contacted you if Walt hadn't invited me to your daughter's wedding. It was too good a chance to pass up. I told myself I was coming to see how you and your siblings were doing. I told myself if was just curiosity, but deep down, I knew the truth."

"I really did think about trying to contact you," I said into the silence that followed. "But there was always a reason to put it off. Bethany's wedding was a good excuse. I didn't want to do anything that would add stress to the family dynamics."