On Condom Pond

It was a discovery of enormous magnitude and considering the quakes that would reverberate through the literary community it caught the interest of many scholars. The investigation went on for weeks as biographers, anthropologists and sex therapists wandered through the mud deep into the woods to a tiny shack, to the tiny shack. Once there they studied the writings on abandoned manuscripts, the notes scribbled on the rickety furniture and the odd and sometimes obscene poetry written on the walls. Handwriting and literary experts who studied the penmanship and the writing styles confirmed what everyone else had wondered, had guessed, had wished for: this shack was indeed the very shack inhabited by Henry David Thoreau's third cousin Marcus Attabury Troy while living and writing his not so classic, almost masterpiece Condom.

While it is well known that the house Thoreau built on Walden Pond was given to Ralph Waldo Emerson, who sold it to his gardener, who later sold it to two farmers who eventually dismantled the home for scrap lumber, the existence of the shack was a long hidden episode in the Walden drama. The shack his cousin built on Condom Pond remained a myth known only to the most dedicated and knowledgeable historians. Only with the discovery of this shack could the scholars confirm their suspicions about Thoreau's supposedly solitary life at Walden.

The fact that Thoreau often strolled into town and entertained guests at his house on Walden Pond during the time he wrote of his solitary life is well documented, but what he did with his lady guests was only rumored until now. The evidence now seems to confirm the rumors that something else was going on there. According to the rumors, it seems that cousin Marcus' shack on Condom Pond was only a short hike from Thoreau's house and in the day, there existed a well worn path between the two abodes, a path often taken by Thoreau and his lady loves.

It was at Marcus' shack that Thoreau supposedly carried out exquisite and perverse congress with his lady friends, all diligently recorded in Marcus' journals. With Marcus' sketches and stories of wild debauchery, the infamous "Hank David" became the first well known porn star of the young United States. While the study of artifacts found at the shack may, hopefully, confirm the rumors that "Hank David" was, in fact, Henry David Thoreau, literary experts are deeply engrossed in reading all of Marcus Troy's ancient pornography.

Of course, many people are already convinced of the true identity of "Hank David" and even skeptics agree that some of the sexual vocabulary used in modern times hints at Thoreau's sexuality. Consider that the phrase often used by pornographers today, "He fucked her thoroughly," was originally spelled, "He fucked her Thoreauly," and "fuck a duck," was originally, "fuck a duchess," possibly referring to Thoreau's dalliances with a well known duchess.

Historical research has also shown that the small pond adjacent to Walden Pond wasn't always called Condom Pond. Before the days of "Hank David" Condom Pond was called Coitus Interruptus Pond, but after Marcus Troy reported on "Hank David's" exploits the name was changed to Condom Pond. If the connection isn't obvious, you must remember that it was Marcus Troy who popularized condom use in the New World.

In excerpts from "Hank David Thoreauly Fucks Milly," Troy's second pornographic production first use of the condom in the United States is documented:

Hank David looked upon the beautiful and naked Milly as she reclined, her legs opened, waiting to be thoreauly fucked and said, "Ah Milly I want you now, see how rigid I stand as my Trojan Horse longs to penetrate your gates and release it's spermy minions within your walls."

"Oh yes my warrior, penetrate my gates, fill me with your spermy minions," Milly replied, running her finger into her gates.

"But Milly, my spermy minions are virile, all to ready to sow upon your fertile ground, I must keep them trapped."

"Well keep them trapped, just give me your mighty Trojan Horse, please fuck me thoreauly with it."

Hank David then wrapped his Trojan Horse, unrolling the thin film that would capture the spermy minions, keeping them from Milly's fertile fields. He then rolled in through her gates invading her castle again and again until her walls quaked and Hank David's spermy minions spilled into his Trojan Wrap.

Of course Trojan Wrap was eventually shortened to Trojan and Milly's fields remained unsown by Hank David's spermy minions. With the ongoing research, many experts feel that the confirmation of "Hank David's" true identity and the verification of Henry David Thoreau's visits to his cousin's shack will be announced in the upcoming months. Once the announcement is made we can all return to happily and thoreauly fucking our mates.

Please be advised that there is no truth to the rumor that the manufacturers of Trojan condoms are contemplating changing the name of their product to Thoreaus.