Perspectives Series: Martin

"Hello, gorgeous." I pulled her back toward me and pressed my lips to hers, and then I pulled back slightly and started flicking her tongue with mine in a teasing manner.

"You look good enough to eat."

"Thank you."

"What would you like to drink?"

"A Cosmopolitan, please."

"OK, one Cosmo coming right up."

It took every ounce of my willpower to keep my hands off her body in that outfit. It drove me wild with desire for her, and she knew it. She couldn't stop smiling; she was so proud of her little accomplishment. We walked up to the hostess and asked to be seated in the restaurant. As we were walking to our table I had a brief moment of Déjà vu. It was the very same booth that Teresa and I had sat at on our first date.

I don't know if that had anything to do with what happened next or not. Who really knows how the human mind works.

After we ate our dinner, I sat back in my chair and dropped my hands in my lap. With a big sigh, I said,

"What are we doing, Jill?"

Jill blinked hard and sat back. The smile fell off her face.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what is different this time around? Nothing feels different. I'm sitting here with my underwear in knots lusting after you like I've done a million times before. And in the end, where will it get us?"

"I don't know. And I don't know where this is going."

"Where do you want it to go?"

"I, uh, I don't know. I haven't, um, thought about it."

"Yes you have. Sure you have, sweetheart."

"Martin, I don't like your tone. It's scaring me."

"See, that's what happened last time. You got scared and ran and I was left with..."

"I didn't run. I was scared, but I didn't leave you."

"You might as well have. You didn't want to move forward with our relationship. It's the same thing. You think you aren't making a choice to leave, but you are."

"I didn't...consciously...decide to..."

"Look. I thought I could handle this, but I'm not sure. You hurt me pretty badly last time. I don't want to get hurt again."

Jill's eyes started to well up with tears. Her hands were visibly shaking.

"Martin, please."

"Please what?"

"I didn't realize that I hurt you. I didn't know, I swear. I thought you were mad at me."

"Yes, I was mad. I was mad as hell. You did absolutely nothing to make me believe that you were faithful to me."

"Wha...But I was faithful, I swear."

"I tell you what...I know how I feel about you, but I'll be damned if I will put my heart out there again until you figure out how you feel about me. I have too much on the line and I'm getting way too old for this shit. Take your time. When you know what's what, you call me and we'll talk. Talk. We're not going to have another mindless fuckfest of an affair. I'm already in a loveless relationship, I don't need another one."

I was surprised at how honest my little speech actually was. On the one hand, it shocked even me to hear the words. On the other hand, it just felt great to get it out. When did it become more important to be loved than to be laid? She is looking hot and ready to be fucked. I can't believe I'm walking away from a perfectly good piece of ass.

I tossed a $100 bill on the table and looked around for our waiter. They are never around when you need them, I swear.

I studied Jill. She was shaken, but not crying or devastated. She stared at an empty space on the table.

"If you want to go ahead and leave, you can. You don't have to wait on me."

Jill looked up from the table. "Okay," she uttered softly. She stood up and looked at me. "I..."

She stopped and shook her head, then she walked past me and out the door.

Chapter 21

My phone rang. It was Joann.

"Yes, Joann?"

~Simon Shaw is here to see you.

"Thanks send him in."

"Hey, how was Dubai?"

"Hot"

"It's hot here."

"No, it's humid here, it's hot there. There's a difference, believe me."

"Have a seat. I have your closing papers here. The buyers aren't coming in to sign until next week. Once you sign these papers, you're out."

"Hell, I haven't lived there in the past year. I don't know why I kept the place."

"Every page that you need to sign is marked with one of these tabs."

"Okay."

"How are you getting your stuff to Dubai?"

"I'm shipping everything I need. Hey, thanks for taking care of all the furniture in the house."

"No problem. It wasn't difficult to get a charity to take the furniture. You have a small storage unit for the rest of the junk the movers packed up. I have the storage key here somewhere."

"Here." Simon passed the papers over to me.

"Let me look. Good...Good...Good. I need you to read and initial these two statements here."

"Okay."

"I think I have another deal coming up. I'm going to approach Jason again. The last deal worked so well for him he has been chomping at the bit for me to bring him another one."

"That's good."

"Yeah"

"Hey, whatever happened with you and Jill after we saw her at Granfalloon?"

"She asked me out."

"And?"

"We're still working through it. She called me yesterday. We're meeting again next week."

"She was so smitten with you it was like I didn't even exist." Simon yawned.

"Am I keeping you up?"

"Jet lag"

"It doesn't matter unless she can come to terms with it, you know?"

Simon nodded and yawned again. "You're growing up, little brother."

"Shut up. How am I going to contact you after you get settled there?"

"I don't know. I'll e-mail you once I get an account set up."

"How is Jessie taking it?"

"I'm waiting until this thing is completely closed before I tell her."

"See, I think that's fucked up."

"It is. The whole thing is fucked up. I don't want to leave her, man. I seriously love her."

"Yeah? Then why are you leaving?"

"Because I'm obligated now. Anyway, you were the one that told me to take the job in the first place."

"Yeah, but you weren't serious then, were you?"

"No. Or I didn't know we were. I don't know. It doesn't matter now. It's a done deal."

Simon yawned again.

"Dude, go home and get some sleep. You're making me tired watching you."

"OK. I'll call you later in the week. I head out next Thursday and don't get back until August 21^st. Then I leave for good September 11^th."

"Isn't that bad luck?"

"It'll be fine."

The break from Jill did wonders for my self-control. Without her in the room, it was easy to make rational plans for how to protect myself from falling for her. It was a completely different story when she was near. My hormones would fight my brain and all would be lost.

We decided to meet somewhere different. Meaning, there would be no alcohol involved, and no privacy. We met at a coffee house downtown. We settled into comfortable chairs at a corner table. It offered enough privacy and comfort but was in a public place, and there was a two-hour limit on the meters so we would stay conscious of time.

It wasn't perfect. In a perfect setting, she would be dressed in a suit of armor and locked in a booth. That might be enough for me to keep my mind off wanting to fuck her.

We both took a deep breath at the same time and then laughed nervously at ourselves.

"I want to say something about the other night. I'm real sorry that I went off like that. I don't know where it came from or what made me do it. Anyway, I'm sorry; I just wanted to say that." I had been rehearsing that little speech all day.

"Don't be sorry. What you said was...it was..." She swallowed. "I needed to hear it. It was the right thing to say and I do need to talk, er, we need to talk, I mean."

I started to rethink the lack of alcohol. This would be a lot easier if we were a little more relaxed. I waited for her to continue.

"I don't want to just be a casual fling for you. I don't. I just don't have much experience with this sort of thing."

"I find that hard to believe."

"I don't. Not with relationships, anyway. Sex is a different story. I've had exactly two relationships in my life. The first one was Jake. He was my High School and College sweetheart. He taught me all about sex and love. I learned the first one better, I guess."

"Yes, he did a good job." I tried to lighten things up a bit.

She smiled. "Anyway, that didn't end up so well."

"What happened?"

"He asked me to marry him and I kept putting him off. He finally just got tired of waiting." She shrugged.

"Did you love him?"

Jill's eyes widened a bit and she started to busy her hands by playing with her teabag.

"I, yes. I think so, anyway. I was young and completely naïve."

"Why didn't you marry him, then?"

"Because I wanted to go out and experience things on my own."

"You wanted to see if there was anything better out there?"

"No, not like that. That's not how I thought of it. I more wanted to sew my wild oats, so-to-speak."

I nodded. "And did you?"

Jill nodded. "Oh, yeah. And I learned a lot. But looking back, I never let anyone get too close. I always had one foot out the door just in case things got too serious, you know what I mean?"

"I'm familiar with the concept, yes."

"I bet you are." She looked up at me and I grinned at her.

"Anyway, I don't know where I was going with this."

"Who was the second one?"

"Second one?"

"You said you've had two relationships."

"Oh, yeah. Well, this is my second one."

I sort of figured that was where that was going, but I never would have guessed at how inexperienced she actually was. It made me rethink some things.

"That's interesting. You really could've fooled me. You have such an easy manner with guys."

"I always have. I used to pal around with my brothers instead of my sisters. All my friends have always been guys. I just feel more comfortable talking to guys than girls."

"I wonder why that is."

"Girls are so manipulative, back-biting, and vicious."

"Men are too. They just hide it better."

"Maybe. What about you? Have you had lots of relationships?"

"Yes and no. I dated a girl in college that I really liked for awhile."

"And?"

"She slept with a friend of mine after a frat party one night."

"Not Simon?"

"No, of course not. That wasn't the end of it, though. I actually forgave her after she told me it would never happen again. Another 4 months later, she did it again. That was the end."

"Ouch! That must've hurt."

"Yep. But my first big love affair was when I was fifteen. We dated for over a year. She was my first."

"At fifteen?"

"Yeah, how old were you?"

"I'm embarrassed to say. Eighteen."

"Late bloomer, huh?"

"Catholic school girl in a strict Catholic home," she corrected me.

"Ah. Anyway, lots of short love affairs but nothing real major for me, I guess."

"Until Teresa."

I sat back. I wasn't even sure I defined my relationship with Teresa as major. I cocked my head to one side and thought for a moment.

"Um, I don't know if our relationship is what you call major. When I say major, I mean seriously in love."

"You haven't ever been seriously in love with Teresa?"

"I don't think so. I really, really liked her a lot at first and then...and then I got to know her. Now, I think I understand her more than anything else."

"You have to feel something for her."

"I do. It's just not what I'm supposed to feel, I don't think, after living with her for over 4 years. I care about her...kind of. I feel sorry for her, and I guess I feel a lot of guilt."

"Guilt about what?"

"I don't know. For convincing her to quit her job to stay at home. She hasn't worked for 4 years. She wouldn't be able to land a job now if her life depended on it. So we continue to live together like roommates. Except that I pay all the bills."

"Hasn't she ever pressed you to get married or anything like that?"

"Oh, yeah. She has mentioned marriage and she wants to get pregnant. But she just needs me to be the stand-in for those events. I mean, seriously, she would do them alone if she could. Actually, if she could find a way to be a lesbian, be married, have children and all of this was perfectly acceptable in society, she would do it in a second. She seeks approval from others so much she can't come to grips with who she really is."

"A lesbian?"

"Maybe. I don't know. The point is that she doesn't love me or want me in any way."

"I don't understand how you can continue to live with her then."

"Because it doesn't matter to me. We're not in a romantic relationship. We just live together."

"Do you have sex?"

Warning signals started going off in my head. If I don't tell the truth, can we ever be close? "Wow! If I didn't think you could see right through me, I would lie on this one. Um, sometimes. It's very seldom, but it does happen."

Jill nodded and looked down.

"I'm just going to lay it all out here so you know everything about Teresa and me. She is off the pill because she wants to get pregnant. Now, I don't think it's going to happen. She's been off the pill before and nothing happened."

"Do you think she has a problem?"

"No, I think I may be the one with the issue. Teresa had an abortion when she was younger so she can definitely get pregnant."

"Oh. I appreciate your honesty about it. I know it was hard for you to say it."

"Does it change the way you feel?"

"No. It scares me a little. What are you going to do if she gets pregnant?"

"Nothing. I'll continue to support her and the child and that's about it."

"Martin, help me understand where I fit in. You want me to tell you where I want this relationship to go, but you have no place for me in your life."

"Jill, this happened before you came back in my life. I'm not going to change directions on a whim. I didn't mean to imply that things would continue to go this direction with Teresa if you and I decided to be together. I'm just telling you where it is right now."

"But it's impossible."

"What is impossible?"

"Us...we, you and I are an impossible reality."

"Why?"

"Because...I don't know. Because you're trying to have a baby."

"I'm not trying; Teresa is trying."

"You say that like you aren't a participant."

"I know I am, but if I thought there was even a chance..."

"You can't have a relationship with me and be trying to have a baby with her." Jill crossed her arms as if she had just thrown down the gauntlet.

"Okay. Fair enough. Does that mean you're ready to commit to a relationship?" I thought it was a fair question.

"What do you mean by commit?"

"You know what I mean."

"I, uh, I don't think we're there yet."

"Right. So until you are ready, all this talk about having a baby is really just...academic, isn't it?"

Jill pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at me.

"If you want this, you're going to have to fight for it. I'm not going to drop everything and run after you only to get pushed away again." The ball is in your court; now what are you going to do with it, Jill?

Her face lightened up a bit and she sat back in her chair. "Okay."

We sat there in silence, each in our own private thoughts. I felt like I had been as honest as I could. If she decided she could handle the way things were, and she still wanted to go forward, I would know that our relationship was based on complete honesty. Well, so far anyway. I hadn't told her everything, yet.

I looked at my watch.

"We still have some time on the meters but maybe we need to take some time to mull all this over. What do you think?"

"I think that is a good idea. I have a lot to digest."

"I understand. It is what it is."

Jill nodded. "I like talking with you, though. I understand so much more about you now."

"Yeah, me too. About you, I mean."

"Can we get together again?"

"Sure. I'll leave it up to you to decide when, how would that be?"

"Perfect. I'll call you."

I felt a little pang in my stomach. This could be the end.

I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind in the following days. I went to the gym a lot more than I had been going.

Teresa caught me off-guard one day. She walked in on me in my video editing room in the basement while I was getting off to some vintage footage. She hiked up her skirt and slid down on top of me. She was ovulating. That was the only reasonable explanation. I felt a tiny bit guilty about it, but I was not in a position to refuse.

I was awoken in the middle of the night by her advances again. It's really difficult to refuse someone when you're sleepy.

By the next day, when Jill hadn't called, I took the lead with Teresa. I don't know if I did it because I was hurt that Jill hadn't called, or for some other crazy, mixed-up, psychological, sub-conscious, bullshit reason. We did it several times the next two days. If she was going to get pregnant, that would do it.

Jill finally called. I was a little surprised; I think I had all but given up completely on us.

We met at the same place.

We made small talk for about thirty minutes or so. I scooted my chair closer to hers and held her hand. I caressed her arm while she and I talked. This time Jill started the real conversation.

"I've been thinking a lot about what you said. I've been thinking about you and Teresa and me."

"Uh, huh."

"It's all so complicated."

"It doesn't have to be."

"I know, but it is."

"I've said it before; it is what it is."

"I can't figure out how to get past this."

"You don't have to figure out how to solve my situation with Teresa. You just have to decide what you want to do."

"And then what?"

"I'll work out the rest. You have to trust me to do that part."

"That's the problem. I don't know how to trust you."

"I know." I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed it. "I just want to know if you want to try."

Jill nodded. "I do."

I leaned toward her and she met me halfway. Our lips met for a brief kiss. We sat there looking into each other's eyes. I stroked her hair and gently lay curly strands behind her shoulder. She smiled.

"I didn't think you were capable of being this tender when I first met you. In fact, I thought you were kind of a cad."

I grinned, "I am."

"No you're not. You like people to think you are, but you're not."

I leaned closer to her ear, "Shhhhh, don't tell anyone." I kissed her again on her neck.

"Ohhhh, don't do that." She shivered and lifted her shoulders.

"Why not?"

"You know why not."

I kissed her again on her neck, running my tongue up to her earlobe.

"Martin, stop." Her voice was a faint whisper and her eyes were closed.

"Okay. You're right; we agreed not to involve sex until we had this whole thing figured out." I sat back in my chair.

She opened her eyes and looked at me. "You're not playing fair."

"All is fair in love and war, sweetheart."

"I take back what I said. Maybe you are a cad."

"I told you."

We agreed to graduate to a restaurant for our next meeting. We were calling them meetings rather than dates. I guess it was supposed to be less threatening or something.

It was two more weeks, however, until we could get together. Teresa had already informed me that our last effort didn't take, and that we were approaching another cycle. I honestly didn't care. She, on the other hand, was obsessed with taking her temperature and counting days. I was literally frightened by how adamant she got over having intercourse at certain times and in certain ways. I couldn't see how anyone could get pregnant under those circumstances, I swear. I was having difficulty performing under the pressure.

I would have felt guilty had Jill shown any sign of breaking. She was still remaining pretty distant on the phone and in our meetings. We would make a tiny bit of progress by the end of our time together and then things would completely cool off. I was just about ready to give up on it.