All Comments on 'Suspension of Disbelief Ch. 01'

Before I comment I am going to make some assumptions that, if they are wrong negates much of my feedback and covers my face in egg. Here goes:

Given that the sub-genre is Romance, and the author's pen name is Whyte_Horse, I will assume the author is female (Biog details don't say). This is pertinent because as I read the story I was convinced the narrator was a woman, and was rather taken aback by the subsequent appearance of the narrator's cock (at the appropriate scene). The first person narrator's mindset seemed very feminine in the language and expressions they were using:

'We just stayed there for a few moments, and it was actually really, really good, just big warm hugs.'

this is not how guys express themselves, even in interior monologue.

One of the hardest things in fiction is to write in a different gender from your own. John Cleese and Connie Booth each wrote respectively (at first) for the the genders of the characters in Fawlty Towers- and they were established professional screen writers by then. That's how hard it is. Men can be sensitive and gentle and caring - but they think and see the world differently from women. And that for me is the problem - I don't buy that the narrator is a man - even though I know he is. The narrator's mindset is that of a woman - and that is a major problem. The title may allude to this problem being deliberate, if so it is still a problem that gets in the way of the story, that is otherwise quite good.

Thanks for your feedback! I am actually male, and after your comments I went back and read it and I can see what you're referring too. I tried to incase the reader in a story of seduction that was made easy (the seduction) by the feelings the narrator had for her. My motivation was to try and shift away from the cliche 'wham-bam, thank you mam' style that seems to be taking over literotica, and make it more about 'making love' as opposed to 'raw-sex'. Perhaps it's testament to my mentality on the subject, but I wanted to make it a little senstive. However, I can agree with you that things like 'warm hugs' potentially doesn't allow a male reader (or possibly female) to empathize with the narrator, as they wouldn't find themselves thinking along these lines. I suppose without letting the audience establish the character of the narrator, it would be wise to stick to stereotypical conventions on how a man thinks. I'll go back over this soon, thanks again :-)