Talking With J. GuybyJGuy©
Joe sat up and slowly swung his legs over the side of the bed.
The pounding in his head, which was dull when he first awoke, increased as he sat up. “Christ, I gotta cut this shit out.”
His spasming chest sent him into a long series of hacking coughs finally subsiding with a bit of wheezing. He rubbed his eyes half believing that they had actually bulged out of his head every time he had coughed. “How many fucking cigarettes did I have last night?”
Joe stumbled into the bathroom and leaned against the wall for support as he pissed in the general direction of the toilet. Hearing the sound of liquid on liquid, he figured his aim was good enough. He wasn’t about ready to open his eyes.
Carefully stepping into the shower, he pulled the glass door to behind him. He managed to finish his shower with only two incidents of grabbing the soap dish for support when dizziness threatened to make him a statistic.
Finishing, he felt for the vanity and laid his face down on the cool countertop, with more than a little effort he rose up and looked in the mirror.
Bloodshot and puffy dark brown eyes stared sullenly back at him. His whole face in fact looked a little bloated.
Resting his head back down he blindly fumbled around the countertop until he felt the small bottle of eye drops. Flopping to the floor to lie down, he squeezed a drop or two into each eye. He rose up and blurrily searched the counter top until he saw the hemorrhoid cream and then flopped back down. He squeezed a little onto a fingertip and gingerly smeared it below his eyes. Even in the state he was in Joe managed a soft chuckle.
“Putting hemorrhoid cream on my face..heh heh...gets me every time.”
A very unsympathetic and condescending voice interrupted his brief moment of humor.
“You look like shit. Even warmed over shit would be an improvement to the way you look.”
“Go away J. Guy, I feel like shit.”
“Obviously. C’mon you pussy up and at ‘em. Time for work, technically past time for work. But, you’re only 30 minutes late already...heh.”
“Why the hell don’t you ever feel like I do after a night like that?”
“Hmm...maybe because I’m not such a fucking lightweight there party boy. Now c’mon a few aspirin, little ephedra, water, and you’ll be good as new. Speaking of good as new, what’s the plan for tonight’s festivities?”
Joe struggled to make it to one knee, and then slowly rose up holding onto the vanity for support. He grabbed his brush and started to run it through his long scraggly dark brown hair.
“The only plan for tonight is sleep, hopefully a trip to the gym if I feel any better.”
“The gym?! What the hell do I need to go to the gym for?”
As if to emphasize his point J. Guy looked down at his right arm as he tightened it up, the bicep rose obediently, a long vein running the crest. He popped both pecs repeatedly, grinning to himself as a child discovering he has feet for the first time.
“I said I’M going to the gym. Now go parade your fucking ego somewhere else would ya?”
“What?! Just having a little fun with ya my man.” A critical eye fell on Joe’s reflection from the mirror. “Geez, maybe you should get to the gym there flabby.”
“Cut the shit, it’s not that bad.”
“Yeah I guess you’re right, I’ve always appreciated tits on a man.”
“Fuck off, not everybody’s born with bulges and a six pack.”
“Oh you had one, you just drank a few out of it.” J. Guy made a big display of laughing at his own joke. “C’mon we need to get out of this apartment and see what’s out there for the taking.”
“We were out there last night and all I got to show for it is a fucking hangover and a case of dry mouth from hell! What happened before we left anyway?”
“Well....you sat there in a stupor staring off into the distance while I on the other hand, went and talked to a pretty little thing called Amy.”
“And so... I don’t happen to see her anywhere around....”
“Ahh...got cockblocked by the ugly girlfriend she had with her. Evidently Miss Priss didn’t feel I looked like the trustworthy type. Can’t understand it.” A sly grin that curled up only one side of his mouth said otherwise.
“Hmm, imagine that.” Joe mumbled as he brushed his teeth.
“Yeah, yeah...hey I know...let’s hit the strip club tonight!”
Joe spat the toothpaste out of his mouth with disgust. “Well, let’s see....another hangover and a hell of a lot less money in my pocket I can’t afford to spend anyway, and frustration over not getting any. Gee, think I’ll pass.”
“For Christ’s sake, grow a pair. C’mon...what about that black girl that we saw last time. The one whose ass was just a blur whenever that one song came on, what the fuck was that song?”
“Get Busy by Sean Paul. And the reason her ass was just a blur was because you were so fucking drunk you could barely make it up the steps for the table dance asshole.”
“Oh yeah, cool song. Wait a second, I was NOT that fucking drunk. As I recall you were the limp legged drunk. Christ, it’s kinda hard to talk to the ladies when you’re stumbling around looking like an idiot you know. You could try and help me out.”
“I was drunk before we even got there, what the hell do you expect?! And what the hell are you talking about help you out...when did you ever have a fucking chance with any dancer we’ve ever talked to anyway?!”
“Well there was that one, the blonde in the neon green....wore the leather chaps and vest.”
“Oh yeah and that went just so fucking great.”
“You’re the prick who decided to go out of town whenever I was gonna call her.”
“No....the boss decided I was going out of town.”
“What the fuck ever. So c’mon we’re going right? Right, yeah, yeah?”
“No WE’RE not. I TOLD you what I’m doing.”
“HEY....don’t get fucking all nasty and lippy with me just because you got a fucking hangover because you’re a fucking wuss and can’t hold your liquor. Christ I don’t know why the fuck I let you hang around me, you’re so damn weak and shit. You look like shit...goddamn... do something with your fucking hair...do a fucking sit-up or something every once in awhile...wear something besides those fucking baggy ass jeans and old ass shirts....fuck...you make me sick.”
Joe raised his head and tilted it towards J. Guy, ”Fuck you. Leave me alone.”
“Oh no buddy boy, it’s you and me man. You know you’d never fucking make it without me in this fucked up little shithole you call your life. It’s my life too asshole and I’m not about to live it like you. Always fucking whining about how shitty your life is, about being lonely, about drinking too much, smoking too fucking much. Goddamn, get of your ass and do something about things if they suck so fucking much. I’M the one whose always gotta take charge when you puss out. I’M the one that’s put a little charge in your ass to get you to have any fun. Now you fucking try and tell me we weren’t having any fun last night!
Throwing back a few, looking at a few nice pieces in that bar last night! Talking to one that chick, even if we didn’t get any off her, that wasn’t fun??!”
Joe’s voice was little more than a whisper....“There’s more to life than booze and trying to get a piece of ass.”
“What?? What did you just say? There’s more to life? Yeah...like fucking what?! Sitting around this shitty apartment yanking on your dick and playing video games? Give me a fucking break!!”
The wall shook with the force of the hit. The apartment seemed to echo the dull thud of it. Joe flinched and lowered his head even more.
“You fucking disgust me.”
Joe quietly pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled his socks on and pushed his feet into his work boots. He got back up and checked in the mirror to see if he could pass for one of the living yet.
J. Guy softened his voice a little, “Hey...hey. I’m sorry, you just aggravate me you know? C’mon you act like a little kid sometimes. I feel like I’m the only one trying to have any fun around here. What’s better than some hot looking chicks and some beer? Let’s go...get to work, you’ll feel better after lunch. You’ll come home and we’ll hit the strip bar, hell maybe a
couple of ‘em! It’ll be like it used to be, you know, you used to be a lot more fun.”
Joe’s voice was soft. “So were you, you didn’t used to be so mean when you’d get drunk.”
There was a sudden change to his eyes that was gone almost as quick as it was there “I used to not have any reason to be.” The voice was even and slightly ominous in the slow deliberation of it.
“And so what you think you do now?! What the hell?”
“Don’t you raise your voice to me you little fuck! Don’t you realize what a pathetic little boy you’d be if you didn’t have me around to protect you?!”
“I’m going to work. Then I’m going to the gym and going to sleep.” His voice was meek and his words lacked any conviction.
Joe knew that just because he turned away from the mirror and turned out the bathroom light, J. Guy was still with him. He would always be with him.
He turned the lock on the apartment door and blinking in the bright sun shuffled to his car.
One of these days we’ll do what I want to do, he thought to himself.
The fuck we will buddy boy, the fuck we will.
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