The Worst Christmas Story Ever

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All Lotta Tits wants for Christmas is a 16-inch-cock.
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sack
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Note: I'm a bit bummed out by all the serious Winter Holiday Contest stories this year, including my own previous entries, so am offering this bit of fluff for your amusement. Enjoy!

*

Lotta Tits was depressed. Christmas was coming soon and she hadn't been laid for months. You see, Lotta had a vagina that was 16 inches deep. The normal 6 inch cock barely excited her, and even a 10 inch monster was merely a tickle.

As Lotta moped around her ratty living room, her enormous tits swung from side to side. They were so big, she had given up wearing a bra long ago. Being five foot four and 250 pounds had its advantages. Lotta never had to worry about crowds, it was like Moses parting the Red Sea. And her neighbors upstairs could always help her up if she slipped on the ice and fell.

Lotta lived on the first floor of a two family house. The second level was occupied by Marvin and Hannah Finklewrinkleberg, a wonderful Jewish couple that worried about Lotta constantly. Since the walls were paper thin, the Finklewrinklebergs could hear all the antics downstairs with little trouble. Lotta was very outspoken, and had a shrill voice which carried for a mile. When she got upset and banged on the walls, the glasses in the Finklewrinkleberg's cupboard shook and the pictures on their walls vibrated out of alignment. Fortunately, Hannah was slightly hard of hearing, so she couldn't always make out the exact words. And Marvin just ignored everything, including Hanna's constant whining.

Besides her peculiar anatomy, Lotta had what you might call "gutter taste." She collected velvet paintings of Elvis Presley, had a large collection of Lava Lamps, and absolutely adored pink flamingos. She had placed a couple dozen on the front lawn before the neighbors complained and signed a petition. Now, only 6 dejected hot pink birds graced the tall grass, which Lotta was too lazy to mow.

In desperation, Lotta had placed a personal ad in the West Intercourse Advocate, a seedy local paper that had personal ads for every taste and whim. Her great aunt, Lotta Lotta Tits, sent her a check for $100.00 every year and Lotta had an idea as to how to put the money to best use. Her face brightened as she looked out the window, just in time to see the weekly Advocate being thrown onto her front step. She opened the door quickly to retrieve the newpaper, and clawed the pages passionately, anxious to see if her ad had been printed. As large pieces of newsprint crumpled down to the floor like confetti, Lotta let out a large whoop. Her ad was the only one under "Extremes", with a heavy black border around it:

WANTED: A SIXTEEN INCH COCK!

GIRL WITH DEEP VAGINA WANTS AND NEEDS YOUR SIXTEEN INCH MEMBER. UPON PROOF OF SIZE, YOU WILL BE PAID ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS, AND BE GIVEN A HOT SESSION OF EXTREME PLEASURE. SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY, BYOTM!!

Lotta frowned, wondering if most people would know BYOTM meant Bring Your Own Tape Measure. Oh well, too late now. She turned on her favorite show, Jerry Springer, while munching on potato chips.

During one of the commercials, Lotta dialed the number given by the newspaper to retrieve messages. She was delighted that she already had four. Writing down all the necessary information, Lotta made a few frantic phone calls and in a matter of minutes had arranged for two meetings. One within the next hour, and the second for early that same evening. Lotta figured that both men probably wouldn't have a sixteen inch cock, and if they did so what, it would just be double the pleasure!

Lotta tried to make the time go by more quickly by making a feeble attempt to clean her modest 5 room abode. She made sure the king sized bed had new Elvis Presley sheets, and dusted the cobwebs off her velvet paintings. After exactly one hour, the front doorbell rang.

Lotta jumped like a baby hippopotamus and opened the door in one fell swoop. A sandy haired man stood in the breezeway, holding a large box.

"Hi, I'm Stewart, I'm the one who answered your ad."

"I'm Lotta Tits. Nice meeting you."

"May I come in?"

"Of course."

Lotta stepped aside, eying the stranger's crotch. She didn't see any bulge at all, and wondered if he was just putting her on.

"So, can you show me why you answered the ad?"

"Of course, it's in the box. His name is Lenny."

"It's...in the box?" Lotta all of sudden felt very creepy. What kind of crackpot names his dick Lenny? She had really hit a nutcase this time!

"Yes, I had to take it off where it usually goes this morning, but don't worry, I'll put it back if you don't want it."

Lotta was about to vomit. She partially hid her eyes as Stewart opened the box and slowly unwrapped a large red cuckoo clock, standing exactly 16 inches tall according to a yardstick taped onto it.

"What the HELL is that?" Lotta was completely shocked.

"A sixteen inch clock...isn't that what you wanted?"

"It's COCK not CLOCK!" Lotta screamed at 80 decibels.

"Oh" Stewart mumbled meekly. "I thought it said clock."

"You are wasting my time!" Lotta continued to rant.

"Oh, please don't say "wasting time" in front of Lenny, he's very sensitive."

"Oh yeah, we'll here's what I think of Lenny!"

Lotta leaned over and pushed the clock with both her boobs. The timepiece rolled over several times, coming to rest on its back. At the same time, the jolted mechanism started to cuckoo frantically, as a brilliant red cardinal came in and out of swinging brown doors.

"Now look what you've done, Lenny's hurt!" Stewart looked like he was about to cry.

"Make it stop!" Lotta was frantic as the loud cuckooing was getting in her ears.

"I can't, you've broken Lenny!"

Stewart began to cry as Lotta began to scream.

"I'M GOING CUCKOO, I'M GOING CUCKOO!!"

*******

"Marvin, Marvin!" Hannah jostled her husband on the sofa as they sat watching All In The Family reruns. "Lotta's screaming she's going cuckoo!"

"She IS cuckoo!"

"No, but listen, I hear a cuckoo clock!"

"And I hear a symphony...turn the sound up!"

As Hannah reluctantly fidgeted with the volume knob, a door slammed downstairs. At the same time, Lotta's ranting stopped.

"I don't hear it anymore." Hannah looked slightly embarrassed.

"OY- VAY!" Marvin exclaimed in disgust. "Get me a bagel."

*******

After the cuckoo clock fiasco, Lotta took a long shower and spruced up for her second visitor of the day. She figured things could only get better, and tried to imagine what a hard 16 inch cock would look like. As she was salivating, the doorbell rang. Lotta answered it in a split second, bolting across the room so fast she almost tripped on her tits. Standing in the doorway was a 20 something punk, adorned with tattoos and wearing very baggy pants. Now THIS was more like it!

"Hi babe, I'm Lotta Tits!"

"And I'm Peter Prick. Like what you see, honey?"

Peter fingered an enormous bulge tenting out his thin track pants.

"Oh yeah, I can taste it now sugar."

"You'll taste it alright,"

Peter kicked off his pants and took a tape measurer out of his shirt pocket. He wore baggy white boxer shorts and she could see his long thin prick within. It had a delightful curve at the end and bobbed up and down in the sheer material.

"Sixteen inches exactly." Peter ran the thin tape against the long bulge in his underwear. "Now, pay up!"

"Not so fast, I want to taste it first!" Lotta was almost delerious at this point.

"Let's go in the bedroom." Peter grinned at Lotta wickedly. "We'll do it in the dark, then I'll pop on the light so you can see me shoot my load."

"Oh yes, Oh yes." Lotta couldn't believe her luck.

Once in the bedroom, Lotta turned down the nightlight and quickly got on her knees. Parting the wide flap of Peter's boxers, she could feel the hard cock flop out as it hit her in the face. Lotta opened her mouth wide and took about three inches down her gullet in one gulp. Peter's prick was delicious, having a faint odor of bacon and sausage combined.

"Oh yeah," Peter groaned. "Suck that cock, Suck that cock!"

Lotta tried to get more of Peter's dick in her mouth. All of a sudden, her head cocked to the side as a large section of Peter's member came off without warning!

"What the f-f-fuck!" Lotta spit out the cock and snapped on the light. Peter was laughing so hard his whole body shook. The little fucker had duct taped a foot long hot dog to his miserable 4 inch hard weiner!

Lotta looked down at the piece of meat on the floor she had tried to suck and quickly became enraged.

"YOU-YOU- TRICKED ME! YOU LITTLE SHIT!!"

"It was just a frat dare!" Peter tried to get his makeshift cock back in his boxers, but Lotta was too quick for him.

"I'll show you, you little shit, I'm going to rip your cock off."

With that, Lotta tried to yank off the duct tape, catching some of Peter's pubic hair in the process.

"OWWWWWW! YOU'RE HURTING ME, YOU'RE HURTING ME."

"I'LL HURT YOU A LOT MORE, I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR COCK RIGHT OFF. YOU HEAR THAT, RIGHT OFF!"

************

"Marvin, Marvin!" Hannah practically pushed her husband off the bed. "Lotta's ripping someone's coat off!"

"H-h-huhhuh?" Marvin had been dreaming about winning the lottery.

"Listen, she just said she was going to rip his coat off!"

"So let her, maybe she keeps them as souvenirs!"

"Oh, Marvin, this is two times in one day. I'm really worried about Lotta. She usually isn't like this."

"Yeah, she's only SLIGHTLY crazy...now go to bed!"

Hannah shook her head as Lotta continued to scream, interjected by a male voice howling in pain...

***************

The next day Lotta was in a slightly better frame of mind. She had carefully washed and boiled the foot long hot dog, and mixed it with baked beans. As she wolfed down her makeshift lunch, she prayed that the next visitor would be the real deal. He said he would come by at one o'clock and insisted he had a 16 inch cock. There was only one other possibility after this guy, as nobody else had answered her ad. Lotta paced the floor as one o'clock came and went. Just as her blood pressure was about to go through the roof, she could see someone coming up the front walk. Lotta swung the door open rapidly in anticipation. Her mouth dropped as a middle aged cowboy ambled into the room, followed by a small rooster.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Lotta couldn't believe someone would have a rooster as a pet.

The tall gangly stranger extended his hand.

"Howdy, I'm Lance Hagley and this here is my sixteen inch Cock, Dewey!"

Lance held up a yardstick next to Dewey. Sure enough, the beautiful bird was exactly 16 inches high!

"NOT THAT KIND OF COCK, I MEANT A REAL COCK!" Lotta was turning red really quickly.

"Well, I do have eight inches of love muscle myself, if you must know."

"THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!!" Lotta swiped her hand at Dewey, who flew up to her largest and most coveted Elvis painting. He trickled a watery turd down the great singer's face, covering his nose with gray goo.

"YOU LITTLE FUCKING COCK, THAT'S MY FAVORITE PAINTING!"

Lotta tried to knock Dewey off the wall. In the process, her left tit caught the edge of the painting and it came crashing down, killing the hapless bird instantly.

"OH MY GOD, I'VE JUST KILLED A COCK! "I'VE JUST KILLED A COCK!"

Lance groaned in agony. "She was my best bird, she even got the newspaper for me..."

"OH SHUT UP! I DIDN'T KILL DEWEY! ELVIS KILLED DEWEY! ELVIS KILLED DEWEY!" Lotta was screeching so loud her neck twitched.

****************

"Marvin, Marvin, wake up!" Hannah poked at her husband, who was trying to take a midafternoon nap. "I think there's been a murder downstairs!"

"Yeah sure, we should be so lucky!"

"No really, first I heard Lotta scream "I killed the cook!"

"She doesn't even HAVE a cook!"

"I know, but then she said Elvis killed Doofy, so she must have a cook named Doofy."

"Brilliant Sir Watson, so what are you going to do now."

"I'm calling the police...we could be accessories to murder!"

"OY-VAY!" was all Marvin could say.

Hannah picked up the phone and dialed the local police station. At the other end of the line sat Sergeant Rodney Blunder. It had been a slow afternoon at work, and he was looking forward to going home. As he was about to put his coat on, the phone rang.

"West Intercourse Police." Rodney muttered in a coarse voice.

"This is Hannah Finklewrinkleberg. I'd like to report a murder."

"A WHAT?" Rodney's voice went up to a falsetto. Murders were unheard of in West Intercourse!

"Well..." the whiny voice faltered a little. I'm not exactly 100 percent sure. But the woman who lives downstairs was screaming about killing a cook, then later about someone named Doofy.

"You mean she has a cook named Doofy?" Rodney started to wonder if he was dealing with a complete crackpot.

"I-I think so, but then later she was yelling that Elvis was the one that killed Doofy."

"ELVIS!" Sergeant Blunder was incredulous. "ELVIS WHO?"

"I think Elvis Presley, but I'm not completely sure!"

Rodney put the phone down and turned to his coworker, Ima Fuckup.

"You're not going to believe this...Hannah Finklewrinkleberg is claiming that Elvis Presley killed a cook living downstairs named Doofy."

"And you're George Bush!" Ima wan't amused. "Tell her to get a life!"

"We better send an ambulance there, just in case, and I'll follow them."

"You're crazy, but then, I kind of want to meet Elvis too."

"Come along then, let's go."

In a matter of minutes the siren of an ambulence could be heard in Lotta's driveway. Rodney and Ima pulled up right behind the paramedics, who were carrying a small stretcher.

Lotta opened the door in amazement. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"

"Good evening Madam, I'm Rodney Blunder and this is Ima Fuckup. We're investigating a possible murder!"

"OH FOR HEAVEN SAKES, IT WAS JUST A GODDAMN COCK!" Lotta looked like she was going to throttle Rodney right then and there.

"You mean...you don't have a cook named Doofy?" Rodney started to turn seven shades of crimson.

"That's Dewey!" Lance cradled the crushed bird in his arms. In the background, Elvis Presley continued to smile from his supine position on the floor.

"MY BIG PICTURE OF ELVIS CRUSHED DEWEY BY MISTAKE, IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"

Rodney, Ima, and the paramedics were herded out by Lotta, who started throwing flamingos at everyone in sight.

"OWWW!" Ima screeched. "A flamingo just bit me!"

"Keep going," Rodney assured her. "She's friggin' crazy."

After everyone left, Lotta kicked Lance out, having placated him with a gift of glow in the dark Elvis boxer shorts. Then she collapsed on the sofa and cried herself to sleep...

**********

Lotta had arranged for her last visitor to arrive about 5 o'clock the next day. That gave her time to clean Elvis the Destroyer up and put him back on the wall. Despite everything that had happened, she was still hopeful. After all, somewhere there had to be a person with a 16 inch cock.

At quarter to five the bell rang and Lotta flew to the door. She opened it slowly and practically fainted...smiling at her was the most handsome man she had ever seen.

He wore a leather vest over bare skin and loose baggy jeans. Sporting long black hair down to his shoulders, he looked like a rock star. Lotta could feel her juices starting to flow.

"I'm Lotta Tits! Pleased to meet cha'"

"I'm Terry." the stranger said in a surprisingly soft voice. "I'm the person who answered your ad."

"I know honey," Lotta smirked seductively. "Do you really have a 16 inch cock?"

"Absolutely...do you want to see it?"

"Let's go to the bedroom!" Lotta yanked Terry down the hall into her love nest. It was just getting dark, but there was still enough light to make out details. Lotta swiftly shucked off her one piece outfit as Terry kicked off his jeans. He wore no underwear, and a magnificent 16 inch cock stood straight out in front of him, bumpy and lumpy but a cock nevertheless.

Lotta whistled appreciatively. "Whoo-eee! Take me sugar, take me!"

She lay back on the bed as Terry mounted her, still wearing his leather vest. It seemed to take forever, but at last all 16 inches of his cock was deep inside her. Terry began to slowly thrust back and forth, as Lotta went into never-never land.

"OH YEAH, TAKE ME WITH THAT 16 INCH COCK, TAKE ME!!

Terry grunted and groaned and his increased his pace. "I 'm going to pop, Lotta, I'm going to pop."

Lotta tightened her cunt lips around Terry's cock as she had the most satisfying orgasm of her life.

"AAAIEEEE!" Lotta was concentrating so hard on her own orgasm she couldn't tell whether Terry was spurting or not. At last she was totally spent, and lay back on the bed, delightfully fucked out...

A few hours later Lotta awoke from her blissful sleep. Snapping on the light, she was surprised to see Terry's 16 inch cock was still completely hard. She nudged him awake, scaring him by the concerned expression on her face.

"Your cock...it's still hard!"

Terry got up from the bed sheepishly.

"Uh..Lotta, there's something I haven't told you.."

"What do you mean?" Lotta's hands started to shake.

Terry quickly whipped off his black wig, exposing lovely blond whispy hair.

"Terry is really short for Theresa."

The leather vest came off next, exposing small but definite breasts.

"And this..." Terry undid the 16 inch cock from around his waist "is really just a strap on. Incredible, isn't it?"

Terry held the flexible plastic 16 inch cock in his hands as Lotta felt, rather then heard a scream escape her throat.

"AAAAAAAHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

She got off the bed and ran frantically into the living room, ignoring Terry/Theresa's cries to stop. Mounting a rarely used staircase just off the kitchen, she passed the door to the Finklewrinkle's apartment. Lotta continued up a rickety flight of steps leading to the flat roof. Smashing through a storm door with all her might, Lotta ran to the edge of the roof and hurled herself off a crude balcony.

"GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!"

Lotta quickly hit the ground, but her tits were so big, she bounced right back up to the roof level, screaming like a banshee as she went up...and down, up...and down.

******************

"Marvin, Marvin!" Hannah pulled on her husband's pajama top. "There's a beach ball bouncing up and down outside!"

"So grab it and move to Florida...what do you want from me?"

"But it's....it's screaming!"

"I'd scream too if I lived in this climate, now go back to bed!"

So, with Lotta bouncing up and down into perpetuity, and the Finklewrinkleberg's constantly bickering, it is time for this story to end. Happy Holidays! Sack

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23 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
that was hilarious

ha... more please

MusedMusedabout 18 years ago
Truth in advertising

If only other bad stories were this good.

scribbledehobblescribbledehobbleover 18 years ago
Very amusing

You left the plumber out - He would have been called Plug Myhole no doubt! After the other stuff in the contest, it was really time for some not so good natured fun.

Nice job.

moonblademmoonblademover 18 years ago
...

Very amusing, Sack! Thanks for the smiles and good luck!

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
You're right--it was the worst story ever.

And I absolutely adored it!

Loved the ending line.

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