Used

"What do you mean? Oh, you mean-"

"Yes, I mean that night."

She looked down at the table and took a deep breath before continuing.

"I'm not going to bore you with my life story, but it wasn't a happy one when I met you. I needed the goth thing to help me deal with my nightmares. After that night, it didn't work anymore.

"Anyway, I was jealous and couldn't have you, so I decided to loathe you. I've done a lot of things in my life that I've regretted, but the worst was what I did to you. I still think about it almost every day.

"I have the DVD on my desk next to my computer. I've never watched it. Whenever I see it there, I feel ashamed. It's a reminder to me of how low I can sink if I'm not careful.

"One reason I wanted to see you was to ask you to forgive me. I know I have no right to ask, because I've never made it up to you. I thought a lot about what I could do for you, but there really is nothing that can compensate for something like that. If you can think of something, I'll find a way to do it -- no matter what it costs me.

"Now I'm going to really freak you out, Morgan, because the other reason I wanted to see you was to thank you. Like I said, after that night, the goth lifestyle didn't help me face life anymore, so I left it.

"That's not why I'm grateful. You sent a lightning bolt into my soul. I didn't realize it right away, because it was a slow process. But I'm a totally different person now. Maybe not totally different, because there are a few things from those days that stayed with me.

"Do you know that I have so many friends now that I feel like I'm living in a field of beautiful flowers? They all think I'm kind, generous, thoughtful and loyal, that I would never hurt a fly.

"Are you laughing inside? Yes, I've really fooled them, but I can't fool you. You know the disgusting, hateful woman who wouldn't think twice about ruining your life. That's why I need that disk that slaps my face every day and says to me, "Watch your step, bitch, or your friends will find out what you really are."

"You didn't ruin my life," I said.

I wanted to look at her face, but I was looking at my hands as I replied.

"I'm happier now than I've ever been. I've got a lot of friends too, real friends. I've changed a lot, too. I think I've grown up, and it sounds like you have, too. You look beautiful, and it sounds like you're a beautiful person. Just throw the disk away. You don't need it."

She didn't answer. I kept looking at my hands waiting for her to say something. Finally, I looked up at her. Her mascara was running down her cheeks, and her tears were falling on the table. She looked a mess, and she still looked beautiful. She wiped her eyes with her fists and that made even more of a mess. She jumped up from the table and ran to the ladies room.

When she came back, her eyes were still moist, but she was smiling that warm smile again. She sat down and looked at me for a while.

"I'll never forget what you said tonight, Morgan," she said. "It's much more than I ever expected. I won't forget what I did to you, but you've made me so happy tonight that I'll be able to bear it a lot better. I can't thank you enough. I won't bother you again. I promise. I've taken enough of your time. Just stay right there. I'm going to pay for our coffees and leave."

I didn't say anything as she got up and took her purse. She took a step and then she came back.

"This is so stupid, Morgan, but I have to ask you," she said. "I promise you I'll never contact you, but would you mind if I friended you?"

"No problem," I said.

I felt like I should say something else, but I didn't know what it was, so I just sat there looking at my hands.

"Thanks," she said and left. As soon as I didn't hear her heels clicking, I lifted my head and looked at her. I watched her as she paid the waitress and walked out the door. She turned her head back for a second and saw me and smiled. I tried to smile back, but I don't know if she saw me.

Things moved fast after that. Two days later I got a call from Jerry, and I agreed to meet him. It was at the same table at Denny's. We hadn't seen each other since that night. He didn't look different.

"The reason I tried to call you before wasn't just to say I was sorry," he said. "I wanted to explain about Lexi and me.

"She convinced me you didn't care about losing her. She promised me she had stopped having sex with you, and I would be the only one she'd ever have sex with again. She said it would be a hundred times better than with you. She had me snowed, and I was ready to do anything for her.

"I was filming you and Raven and getting all hot and hard thinking about Lexi and me doing some of the same stuff. We were leaving town for a resort the next day. When Raven started spanking you, I said something to Lexi, but she said that you and she had done that before.

"When Raven forced you to eat your come out of her ass, I was almost as nauseated as you were. I told Lexi I'd had enough, but she kept telling me this was good for you and for us, because you would never want to see her again -- and the break with you would be total. I didn't realize at the time that you would never want to see me again either.

"I can't explain what came over me when Raven started humiliating you. It was like Lexi had hypnotized me, or at least hypnotized my cock. I just did what she said.

"I looked at myself doing her and tried not to listen to the horrible sounds you were making. I never really saw what Raven was doing to you, but I know it must have been ghastly. When I saw Lexi climb onto you and force your face into her ass, I lost it and ran to the bathroom and threw up.

"That's what I wanted to tell you when you wouldn't take my calls. Now I don't even know why I wanted to tell you that. I have no excuses. The whole thing was disgusting, even at the beginning when you were enjoying it."

"I was enjoying it? I don't remember that."

"I do," Jerry said. "For the first hour, you and Raven were totally into each other, and both of you were glowing. If I hadn't known better, I would have sworn that the two of you had been lovers for a long time. She had a lot of orgasms, and she wanted you to come too, but she had promised Lexi she'd prevent you from coming until you did it in her ass."

"You don't know that," I said.

"Raven told me."

"So you still see Raven?"

"Not anymore," he said. "I saw her a few times after I broke up with Lexi. We never slept together. All we ever did was talk about what we did to you. She was a lot more shaken up about it than I was. She called me yesterday and told me about her meeting with you. That's why I decided to call you again."

"What happened to you and Lexi?"

"That was your fault," he said. "I was really in love with her until that Friday night. The next day we went to the resort, and we screwed like rabbits. We did that for the next month, and it was amazing. Sometimes she would tell me how much you liked something or how I did something in a slightly different way than you did. You always seemed to be there with us, no matter what we were doing.

"We stopped talking like we used to. She stopped being funny. It was like our normal lives were on hold. All the things I loved about her were gone. Don't get me wrong, the sex was amazing. But the rest was missing, and I think we both realized it at the same time.

"She's the one who had the guts to finally bring it up. I'm ashamed to say that I might have gone on with her like you did. But thank goodness, she made me realize what was happening.

"She said that she couldn't stop remembering what she had done to you. She had watched the video and gotten excited and then felt horrible about being turned on. While we were having sex, she was thinking about you all the time, even when she was coming. Did you know she loved you?"

"What?"

"She said she tried to tell you a few times, but you weren't ready to listen. She had a feeling that you were incapable of loving anyone, but she was hoping that someday you'd grow up and be ready to listen. Then she'd find out if you loved her, too.

"When you started talking about being used up, she realized that she wasn't going to be around when you finally woke up, so she gave up on you and put all her effort into getting you to make the video. She called it her keepsake. But you can't turn off feelings like a faucet.

"You know that sexy outfit she wore that night? She told me later that she had second thoughts about giving Raven what she demanded for her cooperation. She hoped that displaying herself for you would make you demand her for the video instead of Raven.

"What we did to you really messed us up. We couldn't have a normal relationship, so we decided to split as friends."

"Have you ever seen her again?" I asked.

"No," he said, "but I think about her all the time, and then I think about you. There are so many great things that Lexi and I have in common, but there's that one bad thing that overshadows all of them."

"I'm sorry."

"No," he said. "I'm sorry. Really sorry. I'm paying for what I did every time I think of her and what a wonderful thing I ruined. That should give you some satisfaction."

"No, it doesn't, Jerry," I said. "I had suppressed what happened until I saw Raven. Then it all came back. But that was good, because now I'm ready to deal with it. It belongs to a different part of my life.

"You and I have had hundreds of good times together and one really bad time. I know you're a great guy, and I forgive you for everything. Just like I forgive Raven. Hell, I even forgive Lexi."

"You do?" he said. "Are you just saying that, or do you really mean it?"

"I mean it," I said. "I'm not proud of the person I was, but none of us are the same anymore. Raven is amazing. I'm sure Lexi is too, and I forgive her and wish her a wonderful life."

I heard a noise, and I looked up and saw Jerry shaking. He had his handkerchief in front of his face. Before we left, we arranged to get together the following week.

When I got home, I looked at Facebook. I stayed on one page for a long time, and then I decided to write a few words.

***********

It turned out that one of the things Raven carried over from her old life was her crush on me. We're married and have two kids, but whenever we meet someone new, they still think I'm married to a model. I love to kid her about this, because it gets her red in the face and lights up her smile. I love her smile. I love everything about her.

Jerry called Lexi the next day and told her what I had said. She didn't believe him, so she came with Jerry when I met him the next week. When I repeated it for her, she fell apart, and everyone in Denny's watched her melt into a puddle on the table. After she pulled herself together, she couldn't stop hugging me, and then she couldn't stop hugging Jerry.

They have two kids also, and the four of us get together often, with the kids and without. Sometimes our other friends notice that there's something different in the room when we're all there.

"It's like you're all so natural together," one of them said. "You can say anything, and the others always know what you mean, even if no one else understands. It's like you've all been to hell and back together, and you're so tight that nothing could ever break you apart."

"You're very observant," I told him.