Whatever Creams Your Twinkie

Now, before I start offending anyone, I just want to say this: This submission is just a jab in the ribs to some of those fetishes that are a little....how should I say, WHOA! These are entirely my opinions and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Literotica or anyone else.

The first thing I'm going to mention is scat and golden showers. I seriously wonder about this one. The peeing not so much, but the pooping? I didn't think anyone liked to get shat apon. But I was very wrong. Apparently lots of people like to feel like a sexual god or goddess by covering themselves in as much crap as possible. Especially the Germans and the Japanese (I think these are the leading producers of scat porn). Sometimes, the shit and piss actually gets ingested. Now, perhaps one of you readers out there is into this sort of thing and can e-mail me with your version of why this is so arousing. Maybe I'll try to write a story about it. Like right now.

Gregor awoke early in the morning with a leisurely stretch . He smiled devilishly as he thought about his passionate encounters with Ava the night before. He just couldn't get that hot ass and those plump, juicy lips out of his mind as he made his way to the bathroom to empty his bladder. His cock was already tingling as he noticed the note on the bathroom door. It said: Lover, left you something to remember me by until we meet again. Always yours, Ava. Gregor entered through the door and immediately recognized the pungent fragrance. He followed it to the big iron tub, and inside was a big, steaming pile of erotic fecal fun. Gregor's cock was uncontrollably throbbing now as he embraced it in one hand and reached down with the other...

Jesus, I can't do it. I just can't. Convincing myself that I'm the fairy godmother of Flavor Flav would be easier than being comfortable writing an erotic story about turds. I just thought of something really funny. I wonder if the scat community thinks Mr. Hanky is a sex symbol. Hee hee. But seriously folks, on the real, human shit is loaded with disease causing micoorganisms, especially E-coli. Why do you think you hear about all these people in third world countries dying of all kinds of nasty diseases? Because they fertilize their crops with their own excretement and the water supply is usually contaminated with the like. Yeah, nothing turns me on like a good case of Hepatitis A.

Speaking of dying, I can't help but bring up everybody's favorite group of weirdos, the necrophiliacs. Most people think that this is a desire to fuck dead folks. Not necessarily. Evidently, this group is subdivided into 3 categories. There's the desire to fuck someone that's sleeping or passed out drunk(popular with high school boys and college fraternities, enter roofies), the desire to smother or choke another into a state of unconsciousness during the sexual act, and then there's actually fucking dead people. The scary thing about that last one is that some of these people that need to act out the fantasy of making love to the dead go and get jobs at funeral homes and morgues. It's still up in the air whether the number of mortuary/morgue employees that are necrophiliacs is high. But it's kind of gross to think about what may or may not have happened to Grandma Hansen in her final stops before the funeral. And don't get it twisted, it isn't just guys participating in this. You may think to yourself : "How the hell can a woman make love to a dead man?"

I'll go as far as I can with this until I feel so dirty that I end up in the shower in the fetal position crying.

As she finished her duties for the night, Lindsay felt like she was leaving something out. 2:12 a.m., the clock read. She was tired, and the funeral home was such a quiet and lonely place at this hour. But there was just something about him, something so tragic it called to her. She had only gotten a brief look at him when they brought him in this afternoon. He had died on his jobsite after falling off of some scaffolding. He looked so young, so beautiful. Lindsay walked downstairs and opened the double doors to the preparation room. And there, she saw him waiting for her on the embalming table, cold, white, and lifeless. She felt sad that she never knew this man in life, and looked down at the tag dangling from his big toe. His name was Matthew McConnell. Just knowing his name made her feel closer to him now as she leaned forward to kiss his cool, dry lips that still had a little blood on them. A fire of desire spread through her that she had never known before. She could not accept that she could not make love to this man simply because his heart was no longer beating. She knew he could satisfy her. Lindsay turned to the instrument table and picked up the trocar, a long needle used for removing the blood during the embalming process. Knowing he could no longer feel any pain, she took his beautiful flaccid cock in her other hand and exposed the underside of it. Slowly, she pushed the large needle into the base of his penis, stretching it further with the other hand to facilitate as much length as she could. When she was done, it was a much an erect cock as she could hope for. The sight of it was too much, she couldn't deny herself any longer. Lindsay removed her clothes and climbed up on the embalming table to straddle her dead lover...

Alright! The heebie jeebies have set in. Blech! But as you can see, it is entirely possible for a woman to have sex with a dead man. Understandable? No. Sane? Probably not. But possible. It's also probably possible to stick an entire watermelon in your ass but I don't recommend it. Like human shit, human corpses are also a host to a multitude of bacteria. After death occurs, the bacteria that naturally reside in the body go on a breeding frenzy in the absence of the living human components of the immune system. Picture one of P. Diddy's parties, but with bacteria instead of rappers and the Hilton sisters. Not only that, but every state in the U.S. has some kind of law against inappropriate liberties with a corpse. Can you imagine doing this and getting caught? You would quickly want to trade places with your sexual "partner" for all the humiliation you would experience as long as you lived. And I use the term 'partner' loosely as that implies "active participant".

So, what are you into? Do other people think it's fucked up? I have fantasies about really weird shit, and everyone that I've told has looked at me like I need to be on medication. Like, the one where Pinhead from the movie Hellraiser is ravaging my body while I'm chained naked to a giant stone ball. Or getting pounded from behind by Sasquatch or the Wolfman. The sad but great thing about my fantasies, though, is that they will stay fantasies because they involve fictional and mythical beings and there is no way to act them out. Not that acting them out would be wrong, but truth be told, if I saw a sasquatch or a werewolf in the woods I would probably shit all over myself and die of a heart attack. But if that happened, I know of at least two kinds of people that would STILL think I'm hot...